Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Another Try at Regular Blogging - December

Life has been hectic as usual!! My Liam is now 5 years old!!! His birthday was October 16 and we had a great day and some Toy Story themed cake and some ice cream :). I have to apologize for being REALLY lax on blogging. I'm still in school (just taking some online fitness classes) and working FT at the hospital (working OT usually).

The coveted birthday cake ;) All he wanted for his birthday was a Toy Story cake. 

We moved into a new place in mid-September and I'm still working with the BF/Fiance to furnish and get our place set up to how we like it. I'm honestly in kind of a rut lately. Life is kind of stagnant. Modeling is basically non existent and I can't seem to find my happy place like I used to have. I've gained back a significant amount of weight, I'm really unhappy with current job and I'm trying to do all I can to get out of the rut.

A lot in my life has changed so that might be why I am feeling overwhelmed with life and everything else. I honestly don't know. What I do know is that something has to change significantly and soon. On a much brighter note, my ACSM study pack came in (decided to rent and saved 50%) so the studying begins and I plan to take the test sometime in January/February around tax return time. That's one step closer to getting my life back on track.

We spent Thanksgiving in Lincoln County with John's family along with his 2 girls A & K and Liam. It was a great time. It was the first time I've missed Turkey day with my family since I've been back home but it was a nice change.

Work - Picked up a new freelance gig with a skincare company and have been applying like crazy within my hospital to transfer to a new and hopefully better department. In the mean time school starts back in about 6 weeks. I finished the semester strong with an A and a B.

Promise I will update soon! I miss blogging and I miss connecting with my readers.

With love,

Sunday, July 27, 2014

End of July, Oh How Time Flies!

Hey everyone,

WOW! It has been a full 2 months since my last post and again I have let life get in the way of things. I can't even put into writing all the ups and downs I have encountered since my absence, but I've been through a lot. Luckily, I'm STILL standing and I'm working my way to making sense of and sorting through my life again. I've now been at the hospital since March and working FT since May. I'm not in love with it, but it is currently what pays the bills. I'm still freelancing as a makeup artist and am working on a new project to start my own business.

I think every season, I go through a process and grow/change as a person. I have so many goals and so many things I want to see come to fruition in my life, but sometimes (like anyone) I get sidetracked. Nursing school is still a go, but I'm running into the age old dilemma of having enough $ to do the things I need and some things I want and to simply stay afloat. Liam needs a new bed and so do I. I would really like to move out of my current apartment. I'd like to stop working nights and working FT just to have benefits, but I NEED the insurance and so does Liam.

One of the dreams I'm working on setting sail is that of being as personal trainer and Nutrition Coach. I am really passionate about improving my life and health and the wellness and well being of others. As usual, money is my main deterrent and obstacle. But as with any other thing I have done in the past, I WILL find a way to meet my goals.

I honestly feel like your 20s is one of the most challenging decades of your life. I'm 26 years old and feel like I should be so much further. I want to do better and know that I can, but the process seems so slow and drawn out. I want a great and fulfilling career (or 2 or 3), a great husband, another child and to continue to raise my son. I want all of these things and sometimes I just wonder if they are for me. If these things are meant for someone like me?

Enough of harping on negative energy. Let's focus on the fact that I have an amazing 4 soon to be 5 year old son and just the thought of him alone fills my heart with warmth and happiness. I love my son and God knows I stay on the grind because and for him. I PROMISE to get back to some regular writing, if for no other reason than to keep myself sane. As always thanks for being my audience and thanks for the continued support of my blog.

Until again,

Monday, May 12, 2014

Out From Under the Rock

Hey everyone!

I know it has been 4 whole months since my last post and lemme tell ya..much has come to pass in my life since then. There is entirely too much to update on in such a small space, but I will attempt to at least fill you in on the most important aspects. Liam is doing great! He's 4.5 years old now...THAT much closer to the big 5! We took our first trip to the zoo last month with his preschool and we had a blast. He did have a meltdown at the end when it was time to go, but it was an overload for him and I realize that.

I finished my 1st semester of Nursing school and am so much more knowledgeable and so excited about my not-so-far-in-the-future career as a Nurse. That being said, this semester pushed me beyond exhaustion and I'm taking a break until next Spring. So I will resume the program January 2015 and continue from there. I caught Mononucleosis back in February and ended up missing more class than I needed to and didn't finish nearly as strong as I would have liked. After speaking with my professor, we both decided sitting out a semester would be the best bet for my future success in Nursing school.

I have hardly been shooting at all. I just honestly haven't had the time to. I did do a trade shoot with a new photographer in my area last week and I will show you some preview shots :). Photo credit to the lovely and talented Whitney Scheibel Photography :

I also now will be working Full Time night shifts as a Nurse Care Tech at the local university hospital which means I will finally have benefits and health/dental insurance. I'm so excited. Not to mention the steady paycheck is much needed.  Another perk, as a FT employee I get to utilize the tuition assistance program where they will pay up to 6 credits per semester (incl. Summer) which totals to 18 credits of classes per year! I couldn't be happier. 

I'm back in the Kickboxing gym and REALLY trying to work on my lifetime fitness/wellness. Current goal is to get back to my lowest weight at this same time last year. So yeah, that's about 30 lb to lose by the end of the Summer. I'm just trying to be better, feel better and look better. 

That's all I've got for today. It feels good to be back! 


Sunday, January 19, 2014

"Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times..."

I am of the belief that everything in life happens for a reason. Even with that belief at my core, it is still heartbreaking/disappointing and sometimes devastating when something I feel is right goes horribly wrong. I thought I had met the One and not just ANY One, the Right One. Turns out (again), this man wasn't who I believed him to be. Maybe deep down I really am a hopeless romantic. A friend of mine even told me that below the hard exterior (sometimes you have to dig real deep) is a great person and a great woman.

It was a whirlwind romance and it probably happened too fast, but in a short amount of time I began to see the flaws. Not just small things we could overcome, but things like jealousy, acting controlling and being unreasonably angry about things that were so insignificant. I saw those signs and tried to work through them, but I realized it was making me unhappy.

I am not a woman to be controlled or tamed. I'm a free, loving spirit. The man who has my love has it forever if he chooses, but not because he manipulates me and controls me into being his. I honestly thought things could last forever. At the start he made me so happy, he treated me perfectly. Never raising his voice to me, complimenting me daily and always letting me know how he felt about me. He made me feel loved, treasured and wanted. All the things a woman wants to feel when in a mutually exclusive relationship/courtship. 

Then the problems began and I realized it was beyond me. He has issues from his past relationship he still needs to fix and he can't possibly do that with me unless he is REALLY going to make the change. He's not at the point where he really can. It makes me feel even worse because I let him into Liam's life as well as mine. No, I don't believe he would ever cause any harm to Liam, but now I'm letting happen to Liam what I said I never would. I'm letting yet another man walk out of his life (the first being his sperm donor - or sorry biological "father"). It truly hurts me that I let someone into his life just to have them leave or taken away. I called things off because I couldn't take being made to feel like I was always doing something wrong or that  the things I were doing were never good enough...

The other part is that I finally gave my heart away again after 4 long years of trying to heal and repair the damage that had been done. I know it won't be another 4 years, but it WILL be a while before I can put that type of trust in any man ever again. Not to mention at the end of last year I also had a female friend break up with me as well, but that's another story. I'm not depressed about either really, I just want to know when and if EVER I will ever be truly happy giving and receiving passionate, true love from another person that is long lasting, truthful and more than just words tossed around meaninglessly. When will it be my turn? 

I want my family to be complete (by my definition). I want to be married. I want another baby. I want a dog. I want a house and I want my amazing little boy to grow up with a stepfather who loves him with the love he deserves to have. I want so much, but I'm beginning to wonder if those things are even in the cards for me...ever.So here I am ending my last days at 25 single and starting of the 2nd half of my 20s as a soon to be 26 y.o. single mom with a broken heart and a head full of dreams. 

Until again,