Man oh man! Has alot been going down in my life :/. I miss Poops so much, it is unbelievable. It must be this Spring weather and me wishing that he and I could go frolic in the park. I know he is well taken care of and having fun with mom and dad, but I miss him to pieces...I'm slightly pissed b/c he was dressed up in his vest and dress pants with tie and i'm pretty sure mom and dad DIDNT take pictures...REALLY?!? uggh I'm annoyed all over again thinking about it.
On another different note, I had a Bacardi 151 and Four Loko induced meltdown last night into today and even though I still physically feel kinda sh!tty, I feel much better emotionally. My biggest peeve is when I don't understand how or why I feel a certain way and I agonize over it and stress myself out about it...Needless to say I cried like a baby. I hadn't cried like that in a while...as good as it felt to get it out, I still can't even truly express how I feel. I know why I cried, but there are some things you really have to keep to yourself. I'm normally so collected when it comes to my emotions, so stoic even when it comes to love and I just let the hell loose.
MPL and I were walking and then all of sudden I got HELLA emotional. I have got to learn how to deal with my emotions better instead of letting it all out at once! But I'm all f--ked up. I am still in love with him, I don't know why and I don't want to be in love anymore. I am ready to be over it. Of course I wish things could work out, but they can't and I dont' think they will...EVER...
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Sucking it Up, Growing Up, Letting Go & Not Giving Up
So I have been fighting the inevitable: my time in NYC expired. I don't have the means to continue to live here and adequately support myself or my Liam here. I will be leaving behind so many people, so many memories and opportunities, but guess what not only will these things STILL be in NYC if I decide to return here and live. But I have something/someone so much more important than anything: Liam. I think I was beginning to lose sight of what/who is important in my life and just pushing and pushing, but I wasnt going anywhere. I had to really stop and think about what matters to me in my life. That's growing up. So here is the new Grown UP and not Giving Up Plan:
1) move back to KY w/ my parents until mid-2012
2) take the LSAT in October
3) apply to l-school in KY, FL & NYC
4) save $$$
5) make plans for 2012 based on law school
6) create a stability plan for Poops
7) continue my fitness plan
8) continue my modeling plans
The last thing I am going to slowly, but surely do: let go of him (yeah E.L.) I still have feelings for him for whatever reason, but right now he is not where he needs to be in life and may not be anytime soon. So yeah I still love him and in another life it might have worked, I have just vowed to never act on those feelings anymore. I went down that road and it got me nowhere.
So June 2011 - KY here I come :/
1) move back to KY w/ my parents until mid-2012
2) take the LSAT in October
3) apply to l-school in KY, FL & NYC
4) save $$$
5) make plans for 2012 based on law school
6) create a stability plan for Poops
7) continue my fitness plan
8) continue my modeling plans
The last thing I am going to slowly, but surely do: let go of him (yeah E.L.) I still have feelings for him for whatever reason, but right now he is not where he needs to be in life and may not be anytime soon. So yeah I still love him and in another life it might have worked, I have just vowed to never act on those feelings anymore. I went down that road and it got me nowhere.
So June 2011 - KY here I come :/
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Mama's Faced with Not So Fun Decisions :/
So here we go again, the exact same fate I sought to avoid months ago...my Poops and I must ONCE AGAIN be separated. WTF?!? This is not how things are supposed to go. I landed a better job, 1 FT + 2 freelance positions actually...Life sucks right now. I'm over it. I have literally done everything I can...I don't know what is left to do. Mom and Dad are coming to pick up Poops and this time he won't be coming back to NYC b/c I too am leaving. I have spent too much time trying to make it work, trying to survive here and I haven't been genuinely happy in a while. What makes me happy now is Poops! Knowing I can take care of him with no problems.
I have decided to try my luck in the SoFla area with my friend Mercedes. I have to get the care fixed, get out of this God forsaken lease and then I'm off to Florida. My plan is to be gone between June 15-July 1. I'm going to apply to law school there for next Fall pt and then when I finally have a job shortly after I arrive and find childcare, I'm going to get Liam and we will begin our new life for a couple of years anyways...at least until law school is over. I can't think of anywhere else to go from here....I'm stuck and out of luck right now. All my efforts are seemingly in vain...
On another note. I went to Queens County family court and filed both child support and full custody papers. I'm so over his father and trying to compromise. There is no compromise anymore. You don't do anything!!! Ok yeah the while >$300 you have spent on him since birth and the 20 days out of the past month you have watched watched your OWN son is a HUGE help. Oh please. Liam is much better off with no father than a 1/2 ass one. #hatedit!
What's left for me to do in NYC:
1) bye bye lease
2) continue personal training until I leave
3)get car fixed
4) say my good byes to my friends here :/
I have decided to try my luck in the SoFla area with my friend Mercedes. I have to get the care fixed, get out of this God forsaken lease and then I'm off to Florida. My plan is to be gone between June 15-July 1. I'm going to apply to law school there for next Fall pt and then when I finally have a job shortly after I arrive and find childcare, I'm going to get Liam and we will begin our new life for a couple of years anyways...at least until law school is over. I can't think of anywhere else to go from here....I'm stuck and out of luck right now. All my efforts are seemingly in vain...
On another note. I went to Queens County family court and filed both child support and full custody papers. I'm so over his father and trying to compromise. There is no compromise anymore. You don't do anything!!! Ok yeah the while >$300 you have spent on him since birth and the 20 days out of the past month you have watched watched your OWN son is a HUGE help. Oh please. Liam is much better off with no father than a 1/2 ass one. #hatedit!
What's left for me to do in NYC:
1) bye bye lease
2) continue personal training until I leave
3)get car fixed
4) say my good byes to my friends here :/
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Headed to the Laundromat...
Hey everyone. I have been totally incognegro lol. Excuse me for the long absence. I have had much to mull over in the past few weeks. I feel like I am at that point in my life where things are at a stand still yet again...Idk what to do. I feel like something needs to change in my life, but I don't know what that is...
So let's take it step by step:
Work - it's obviously NOT a hard job, but I am not challenged...I did make commission last month and can expect to receive a bonus check of $300, but something is amiss within me...I am just collecting a paycheck every 2 weeks and even then it seems no matter what i do, I NEVER have enough money
Miami trip 2011 - I know I will have the trip paid off, but will I even be able to buy any cute clothes/get my hair done/get a mani/pedi/have spending $?
$$$$ - always a constant concern for me. How to get more of it, faster quicker and on time....
Poops!!!!
Well I will get to the rest a little later. It's laundry time followed by Mommy/Poops time :).
Until again
FLMM
So let's take it step by step:
Work - it's obviously NOT a hard job, but I am not challenged...I did make commission last month and can expect to receive a bonus check of $300, but something is amiss within me...I am just collecting a paycheck every 2 weeks and even then it seems no matter what i do, I NEVER have enough money
Miami trip 2011 - I know I will have the trip paid off, but will I even be able to buy any cute clothes/get my hair done/get a mani/pedi/have spending $?
$$$$ - always a constant concern for me. How to get more of it, faster quicker and on time....
Poops!!!!
Well I will get to the rest a little later. It's laundry time followed by Mommy/Poops time :).
Until again
FLMM
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