Life 5:29

Wow! Can't believe May is coming to a close. I'm currently in week 3/8 for school. Can't believe I'm  almost 1/2 done with my 1st semester back! Grades so far: 83% in Anatomy (blah, just got an 80% on my 1st test), 80% in Psych (have to bring this up, was late turning in assignments from the first week) and 114% in Sociology (lol I shit you not, I have extra credit working for me).

We spent our Memorial Weekend in NYC and it wasn't as hellish as I knew it'd be. I found a new neighborhood in Brooklyn to love lol. Clinton Hill, which is right on the edge of Bedstuy, is gentrifying but it's a pretty cool 'hood with wine bars (you know these are my faves lol) and it's close to the A/C line and actually has ample parking. Plus,plus and plus.  Liam's father is still no better and we haven't reached any type of agreement, so to trial we go! *sigh* Liam seems to be doing fine after the visit, except the 8 mosquito bites in various places on his face, legs and arm. I wish those people knew how to use bug spray cuz they know those squitoes are bananas out in Rockaway!

This weekend had me truly contemplating if I want to really return to NYC. To deal with Liam's father, NO...but to accomplish my dreams and build a life for me and my son, YES. I just want to do the right thing for him and for us both. Sometimes I'm not 100% sure what that means. I know that I have to be better than I am now and be the best person I can be. I truly believe that something great is awaiting me and us and our lives. I can feel it. I'm so sick of being on the cusp of great things and not getting there. I am ready to get there. I have to get there for me and most importantly for Liam.

Also, I am really trying to narrow and hone in on the schools I want to apply to, continue to activate my plan and keep it moving towards my aBSN. Honestly, Stony Brook, NYU and Columbia are looking like my best bets in NYC. As usual, MIAMI (money is a major issue), but I'm looking at a scholarship program w/ a stipend through HRSA. So I'm hoping something works out with that and other things I can come up with from Fastweb and any institutional scholarship I may be able to get.

I have been really thinking about my next tattoo. I want to get something that has to do with Liam. I'm thinking L.I.A.M. on my right ring finger. I'm not 100% sure where to get the tat yet, but when I do I will of course post the pics. And for those you who know about my 1st tatt "amor y vida" you will know that it is going to be small lol. I have a low threshold for pain.

On another note, for real this time (I know I have said this like 2x before), but I am DONE with dating for a while. I'm looking at age 30 right now. Nothing more has really happened in that aspect of my life, but I'm tired of knowing what I want and not being able to get it. I'm no longer going to put myself in ridiculous situations. In a situation where someone still has feelings for another person, it will always be a lose lose situation on your end. Nothing good can come out of it...pero es la vida! I'm over the way my "luck" seems to happen and I have to keep my focus on things that I know I can change like the life my son and I are going to live and where.

Until next time :)

Cicely

10 Reasons Why Motherhood Was My BEST Decision

1) I discovered love on a level I never even knew existed

2) Liam has given me the motivation push I need to be my best self. Being the only person in charge of another human's life will give you a strong push in the right direction.

3) I get to look at my beautiful creation every day. Many times in life we work so hard for things and don't get to see the spoils of our labor...I have gotten to see my "spoils" grow from a 7lb 5 oz newborn to the 42 lb hunk of man-child he is today

4) I have learned to enjoy the small moments. Prior to having Liam, my life seemed like it was so fast paced. It was mostly work and school and few drunken nights. Now I take the time to stop and look at flowers, animals, beautiful murals, children playing, dogs outside and small things I may not have otherwise noted.

5) It lit the fire under my ass to finally do something about my weight in a permanent way. I want to continue to be a lifelong example for Liam. Examples are something that are instilled by words and actions.

6) I learned how strong I really am. When I made the decision to be a single mom (because I knew his father was not right for me), I didn't know what to expect. It was scary, devastating, confusing and I wasn't sure if I could/would do it. Thanks to family and friends' support I can, I did and am still doing it.

7) Liam inspired my first company L.I.A.M. Artistry, LLC. "Life is Always Made". Without him being in my life, my vision never would have come to fruition.

8) Liam is the reason I started this blog back in 2010. I was much younger mother than I am now and was looking for a way to get back to my writing roots and meet with people and share experiences. I have successfully done that.

9) It has given me a new perspective on relationships. I don't tolerate bullshit right from the jump. I now not only have myself to consider, but also the blending and combination of THREE lives. I am much more selective and sure about what I want in my life and in our lives. No 1/2 stepping over here sir!

10) Motherhood has empowered me as a woman. I got to view my body in a new light. I created a human life. I grew a baby! How amazing is that? :) I appreciate my body. I appreciate the things it can do. It allowed me to see and experience one of God's many miracles.

To all my fellow moms out there...what about you? What has/have your kid(s) brought to your lives?  What positive things has motherhood brought to your lives?

Tales of a Hot Mess Mommyhood

  There are times when I seriously feel inadequate as a mother. This mostly comes from me comparing myself to other women/families and comparing my child to theirs. I love Liam more than life itself, but I can’t help but to look at him some days and feel I have failed him. I feel bad that I can't do more for him because he deserves it. I know that sounds nuts, but it is true. I feel like his life would have been better had I A) been older and more stable when I had him or B) if he had been born into a much different situations with two parents.

#1 – No Dad around (ok fine a 1/10 time Dad…he’s around him about 10% of the time and has contact with him about as much)

#2 He has a slight speech impediment and will be meeting with a speech pathologist next month to address and treat the issue. I somehow feel there is something I could have done to prevent or correct this, even though I know it’s just one of those things.

#3 Preschool – he didn’t get in. He is young for his “grade” (mid-October birthday) and none of the schools around here really accept children before the October 1 cut off. I just feel that I didn’t prepare him enough. I didn’t ready with him enough or something. I know that this is not entirely true, but I always feel like when I can’t provide him the best opportunities available it’s my fault

#4 I work 6-7 days a week sometimes…enough said. There are times I get home and I’m just so tired and he wants to be around me and play and all I want to do is lay down. I feel bad about that.

#5 Our family unit has been blended with that of my Mom and Dad. I feel like my sense of family with him is fading away slowly. Before it was just me and him with everyone else visiting. Now sometimes I feel like a visitor in his life. L

#6 The fact that I don’t have my ish together is an impediment for him. With everything that goes on with court, life and negative crap I hear, I feel like what I’m doing is never good enough. Ever.

                It drives me up a wall! I know and God knows I am doing the best I can with what was dealt to me. Sometimes I just don’t feel like my life is moving forward. I moved back to Kentucky 11 months ago and I still don’t have shit to show for it…ok fine aside from the 44 lbs lost and a healthy and happy baby. Besides that, my life remains the same: all work, no play, stressed out, planning my next move in life and to the next state and trying to get shit together. This is why I want to be older. I know that I won’t be living like this in 10 years, hell I hope not in 5 years! There has to be a better way. This can’t be life.