So I have been fighting the inevitable: my time in NYC expired. I don't have the means to continue to live here and adequately support myself or my Liam here. I will be leaving behind so many people, so many memories and opportunities, but guess what not only will these things STILL be in NYC if I decide to return here and live. But I have something/someone so much more important than anything: Liam. I think I was beginning to lose sight of what/who is important in my life and just pushing and pushing, but I wasnt going anywhere. I had to really stop and think about what matters to me in my life. That's growing up. So here is the new Grown UP and not Giving Up Plan:
1) move back to KY w/ my parents until mid-2012
2) take the LSAT in October
3) apply to l-school in KY, FL & NYC
4) save $$$
5) make plans for 2012 based on law school
6) create a stability plan for Poops
7) continue my fitness plan
8) continue my modeling plans
The last thing I am going to slowly, but surely do: let go of him (yeah E.L.) I still have feelings for him for whatever reason, but right now he is not where he needs to be in life and may not be anytime soon. So yeah I still love him and in another life it might have worked, I have just vowed to never act on those feelings anymore. I went down that road and it got me nowhere.
So June 2011 - KY here I come :/
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Mama's Faced with Not So Fun Decisions :/
So here we go again, the exact same fate I sought to avoid months ago...my Poops and I must ONCE AGAIN be separated. WTF?!? This is not how things are supposed to go. I landed a better job, 1 FT + 2 freelance positions actually...Life sucks right now. I'm over it. I have literally done everything I can...I don't know what is left to do. Mom and Dad are coming to pick up Poops and this time he won't be coming back to NYC b/c I too am leaving. I have spent too much time trying to make it work, trying to survive here and I haven't been genuinely happy in a while. What makes me happy now is Poops! Knowing I can take care of him with no problems.
I have decided to try my luck in the SoFla area with my friend Mercedes. I have to get the care fixed, get out of this God forsaken lease and then I'm off to Florida. My plan is to be gone between June 15-July 1. I'm going to apply to law school there for next Fall pt and then when I finally have a job shortly after I arrive and find childcare, I'm going to get Liam and we will begin our new life for a couple of years anyways...at least until law school is over. I can't think of anywhere else to go from here....I'm stuck and out of luck right now. All my efforts are seemingly in vain...
On another note. I went to Queens County family court and filed both child support and full custody papers. I'm so over his father and trying to compromise. There is no compromise anymore. You don't do anything!!! Ok yeah the while >$300 you have spent on him since birth and the 20 days out of the past month you have watched watched your OWN son is a HUGE help. Oh please. Liam is much better off with no father than a 1/2 ass one. #hatedit!
What's left for me to do in NYC:
1) bye bye lease
2) continue personal training until I leave
3)get car fixed
4) say my good byes to my friends here :/
I have decided to try my luck in the SoFla area with my friend Mercedes. I have to get the care fixed, get out of this God forsaken lease and then I'm off to Florida. My plan is to be gone between June 15-July 1. I'm going to apply to law school there for next Fall pt and then when I finally have a job shortly after I arrive and find childcare, I'm going to get Liam and we will begin our new life for a couple of years anyways...at least until law school is over. I can't think of anywhere else to go from here....I'm stuck and out of luck right now. All my efforts are seemingly in vain...
On another note. I went to Queens County family court and filed both child support and full custody papers. I'm so over his father and trying to compromise. There is no compromise anymore. You don't do anything!!! Ok yeah the while >$300 you have spent on him since birth and the 20 days out of the past month you have watched watched your OWN son is a HUGE help. Oh please. Liam is much better off with no father than a 1/2 ass one. #hatedit!
What's left for me to do in NYC:
1) bye bye lease
2) continue personal training until I leave
3)get car fixed
4) say my good byes to my friends here :/
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Headed to the Laundromat...
Hey everyone. I have been totally incognegro lol. Excuse me for the long absence. I have had much to mull over in the past few weeks. I feel like I am at that point in my life where things are at a stand still yet again...Idk what to do. I feel like something needs to change in my life, but I don't know what that is...
So let's take it step by step:
Work - it's obviously NOT a hard job, but I am not challenged...I did make commission last month and can expect to receive a bonus check of $300, but something is amiss within me...I am just collecting a paycheck every 2 weeks and even then it seems no matter what i do, I NEVER have enough money
Miami trip 2011 - I know I will have the trip paid off, but will I even be able to buy any cute clothes/get my hair done/get a mani/pedi/have spending $?
$$$$ - always a constant concern for me. How to get more of it, faster quicker and on time....
Poops!!!!
Well I will get to the rest a little later. It's laundry time followed by Mommy/Poops time :).
Until again
FLMM
So let's take it step by step:
Work - it's obviously NOT a hard job, but I am not challenged...I did make commission last month and can expect to receive a bonus check of $300, but something is amiss within me...I am just collecting a paycheck every 2 weeks and even then it seems no matter what i do, I NEVER have enough money
Miami trip 2011 - I know I will have the trip paid off, but will I even be able to buy any cute clothes/get my hair done/get a mani/pedi/have spending $?
$$$$ - always a constant concern for me. How to get more of it, faster quicker and on time....
Poops!!!!
Well I will get to the rest a little later. It's laundry time followed by Mommy/Poops time :).
Until again
FLMM
Thursday, March 17, 2011
A Week Later & A Change of Heart
So I am 6 lbs lighter bitches!! lol j/k! But I LOVE LOVE LOVE working out. I love how I feel so much better. I am REALLY going to lose 75 lbs by next year. Hell maybe more. I'm ready to be back in plus model shape, I am ready to feel good in my skin. I'm ready to REALLY be a MILF hahahaha :). I am 23, I still have plenty of miles left and I want to enjoy what is left of my youth!
Other news, Poops is 17 months old as of today. And he makes me just as happy as the day he was born :).
#3 - I am totally and completely single - not giving my heart away no more!!! :/
#4 - I need a 3rd/4th job lol
#5 - I'm going to Miami bitch May 19-23!!!!! Mom is coming up to watch Poops and I'm super psyched for my first ADULT vacation.
Be back soon,
FLMM
Other news, Poops is 17 months old as of today. And he makes me just as happy as the day he was born :).
#3 - I am totally and completely single - not giving my heart away no more!!! :/
#4 - I need a 3rd/4th job lol
#5 - I'm going to Miami bitch May 19-23!!!!! Mom is coming up to watch Poops and I'm super psyched for my first ADULT vacation.
Be back soon,
FLMM
Friday, March 11, 2011
"808s and Heartbreaks" : FLMM Edition
Sometimes it takes me a while to sort of the words to accompany the things that I feel. At least to be able to VERBALLY express things. Through writing as usual there is no issue. This week I have written about 5 poems which says alot since I havent written anything since Nov 2010. I needed to vent, to let out some pent up emotion and that's exactly what I did. Problem is, I need to convey all these feelings to one person and I'm pretty sure he will never get it!
I have tried to discuss things at many times, but the opportunity/mood wasn't right or there was alcohol involved. Well it's time for me to stop with the p*ssyfootin' and bullsh!t and get real, get raw and get to the point. Said person claims they "love" me. I'm skeptical about that statement. When I say something and mean it, I verbalize it and externalize it. I say it and show it...for sake of anonymity we will call him MPL...
This is technically our 2nd go-round of being considered a "couple". I broke up with him b/c I didn't believe he was sincere, once I spoke with him and cleared it up, I was inclined to give him a 2nd chance. Now is where I'm trying to figure out if I made a mistake. Everything that has gone on since then points to that.
He also claims that he "loves me" and wants to see where things go b/c I accepted him at his worst point. I think he may have doubted my sincerity as well, but I quickly cleared that up. I'm not going to judge someone b/c of some bad choices they may have made or the negative things that are going on in their lives. To me, I saw someone who I could relate to on certain levels and someone who had a story to tell. Deep down I felt like we were searching for the same thing: love.
But somehow, something changed. I don't know what it was and now I don't know what to do/how to fix it. What I do know is that it wasn't me. So I'm gonna pose some questions:
Is it wrong to want affection from the person who is supposed to be your significant other? (i.e. cuddling, kissing, etc)
Is it wrong to want to talk to them and have a conversation about how their day went and anything that might be on their mind?
Is it ok to NOT want to talk to them when they are in a stage of drunken ignorance?
Can I feel a little sad if I don't feel like I'm getting the attention I need or deserve?
The bottom line is I don't feel like he is puttingenough anything into this alledged relationship. I keep using that term b/c I feel like that's all it is: ALLEDGED. I am honestly confused as to why he would want to be in a relationship and do NOTHING to develop it. I will say that he has made small steps, but HE was the one who asked ME out! So if you feel the way you say u do, then why why why why why why why are not NOT showing me?
When I love a person I show it. I don't feel like he is giving me the chance to do that. I'm not happy, when I'm not happy it's time to change things! I am gonna put it out there...yeah I love him, but the feelings are starting to go away. I'm starting to wonder if I really was fucked up in the game thinking there was a possibility for me and him to EVER work? Yes he has problems, as do I, but if you are not willing to work on things and grow together and open up: THERE IS NO POINT.
You can't be in a successful relationship and have no trust, communication or sense of commitment. Yeah I'm a serial monogamist, but I do finally now understand why all of my relationships thus far have gone south. Communication! MPL doesn't want to communicate with me, doesn't want to open up and put himself out there, then I can't force him and I don't want to be with him.
If MPL is truly ready to take the plunge and accept the challenge, then I know for a fact we'd actually stand a chance. When I'm in love and in a relationship, I am committed to making things work. I believe that partners should empower each other and spark something inside one another. I should feel motivated, understood, supported and loved by my partner and will give the same in return. Notice how none of this boiled down to material things: money, car or what you can do for me.
MPL, you need to understand that you had none of those things when I met you and that I am willing to be there for you when shit is good, bad and worse. I knew/know what the situation is and I still decided to stick around. You still got to meet Liam and I still want you to be apart of our lives. I'm not saying it's easy to let someone in, cuz it's not. But if you are sincere in your motivations and really want to be in my life and Liam's life, then you will understand that as long as you need us, we'll be around. I'm not easily persuaded and I know what I feel. I feel like it's time for you to man the fuck up and realize who and what you have in front of you. It's me Cici: the smart ass, the mother of Liam, the aspiring lawyer, the intelligent woman who can cook when she really wants to or feels like it, that came from KY home of the Waffle House, aspiring model and currently makeup artist, fun to chill with, can tell her anything, can bring her home to meet your mama, always ready for a debate, has a good heart, who fell in love with a Marine, who is ready to give it her all. Nothing in life is easy, but you don't have to shut everyone out. I'm like Tevin Campbell "I'm Ready". I'm not perfect and all I can do is strive to be a better person. I am putting it all out there and if you don't want to accept it, then I can't make you. But you are not letting me be anything at this point and if that's how it has to be then, it's over.
Signing off,
FLMM
I have tried to discuss things at many times, but the opportunity/mood wasn't right or there was alcohol involved. Well it's time for me to stop with the p*ssyfootin' and bullsh!t and get real, get raw and get to the point. Said person claims they "love" me. I'm skeptical about that statement. When I say something and mean it, I verbalize it and externalize it. I say it and show it...for sake of anonymity we will call him MPL...
This is technically our 2nd go-round of being considered a "couple". I broke up with him b/c I didn't believe he was sincere, once I spoke with him and cleared it up, I was inclined to give him a 2nd chance. Now is where I'm trying to figure out if I made a mistake. Everything that has gone on since then points to that.
He also claims that he "loves me" and wants to see where things go b/c I accepted him at his worst point. I think he may have doubted my sincerity as well, but I quickly cleared that up. I'm not going to judge someone b/c of some bad choices they may have made or the negative things that are going on in their lives. To me, I saw someone who I could relate to on certain levels and someone who had a story to tell. Deep down I felt like we were searching for the same thing: love.
But somehow, something changed. I don't know what it was and now I don't know what to do/how to fix it. What I do know is that it wasn't me. So I'm gonna pose some questions:
Is it wrong to want affection from the person who is supposed to be your significant other? (i.e. cuddling, kissing, etc)
Is it wrong to want to talk to them and have a conversation about how their day went and anything that might be on their mind?
Is it ok to NOT want to talk to them when they are in a stage of drunken ignorance?
Can I feel a little sad if I don't feel like I'm getting the attention I need or deserve?
The bottom line is I don't feel like he is putting
When I love a person I show it. I don't feel like he is giving me the chance to do that. I'm not happy, when I'm not happy it's time to change things! I am gonna put it out there...yeah I love him, but the feelings are starting to go away. I'm starting to wonder if I really was fucked up in the game thinking there was a possibility for me and him to EVER work? Yes he has problems, as do I, but if you are not willing to work on things and grow together and open up: THERE IS NO POINT.
You can't be in a successful relationship and have no trust, communication or sense of commitment. Yeah I'm a serial monogamist, but I do finally now understand why all of my relationships thus far have gone south. Communication! MPL doesn't want to communicate with me, doesn't want to open up and put himself out there, then I can't force him and I don't want to be with him.
If MPL is truly ready to take the plunge and accept the challenge, then I know for a fact we'd actually stand a chance. When I'm in love and in a relationship, I am committed to making things work. I believe that partners should empower each other and spark something inside one another. I should feel motivated, understood, supported and loved by my partner and will give the same in return. Notice how none of this boiled down to material things: money, car or what you can do for me.
MPL, you need to understand that you had none of those things when I met you and that I am willing to be there for you when shit is good, bad and worse. I knew/know what the situation is and I still decided to stick around. You still got to meet Liam and I still want you to be apart of our lives. I'm not saying it's easy to let someone in, cuz it's not. But if you are sincere in your motivations and really want to be in my life and Liam's life, then you will understand that as long as you need us, we'll be around. I'm not easily persuaded and I know what I feel. I feel like it's time for you to man the fuck up and realize who and what you have in front of you. It's me Cici: the smart ass, the mother of Liam, the aspiring lawyer, the intelligent woman who can cook when she really wants to or feels like it, that came from KY home of the Waffle House, aspiring model and currently makeup artist, fun to chill with, can tell her anything, can bring her home to meet your mama, always ready for a debate, has a good heart, who fell in love with a Marine, who is ready to give it her all. Nothing in life is easy, but you don't have to shut everyone out. I'm like Tevin Campbell "I'm Ready". I'm not perfect and all I can do is strive to be a better person. I am putting it all out there and if you don't want to accept it, then I can't make you. But you are not letting me be anything at this point and if that's how it has to be then, it's over.
Signing off,
FLMM
What's New with FLMM?
I recant a previous statement that I made about my plans for law school. I WILL be applying for law school fo 2012 admission. My school list essentially remains the same with the addition of Hofstra U Law school. It's in Hempstead, L.I. and since I'm driving now and would be living in the Queens/Bk.Li area, it makes sense.
While talking with my personal trainer, Diane, she made me realize that I should just go for my dreams. Why wait around? I'm not getting any younger and everyday that passes by is an opportunity for me to get my life moving in the right direction. I feel a very positive vibe about that. Right now I am restless and need to bring some purpose back into my life. I'm currently working on my weight...only 68 more lbs to go til goal...I am working on my overall health as well. Working on being the best mom and caretaker and working on getting my finances in order.
I do lament that while I do have an amazing support group of friends, that I don't have a partner to share all the joy and struggle with. To help me raise Liam, to see me through my good and bad points and to really be a rock in my life...oh well I guess in due time...
I am slacking on doing things for the business as I have run into a recent lack of funds. I have the website up and running and am waiting for the LLC paperwork to come back through! I need to get back on my grind! Will keep you guys updated!
FLMM
While talking with my personal trainer, Diane, she made me realize that I should just go for my dreams. Why wait around? I'm not getting any younger and everyday that passes by is an opportunity for me to get my life moving in the right direction. I feel a very positive vibe about that. Right now I am restless and need to bring some purpose back into my life. I'm currently working on my weight...only 68 more lbs to go til goal...I am working on my overall health as well. Working on being the best mom and caretaker and working on getting my finances in order.
I do lament that while I do have an amazing support group of friends, that I don't have a partner to share all the joy and struggle with. To help me raise Liam, to see me through my good and bad points and to really be a rock in my life...oh well I guess in due time...
I am slacking on doing things for the business as I have run into a recent lack of funds. I have the website up and running and am waiting for the LLC paperwork to come back through! I need to get back on my grind! Will keep you guys updated!
FLMM
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Poetry Pause
The One
I'm just a sorry excuse for a sometimes girlfriend,
Good enough for some things,
but not to really trust.
Tell me u love me,
then throw it away just like me, the piece of trash I am.
I'm the same one that never had a good thing to say,
that never asked how you were doing or hoped to make your day better,
I never actually gave a f*ck about anything you ever confided in me.
I went back and told EVERYONE.
I actually was just using you,
In fact, I plotted on you the first time we met,
to be sure I could come and completely destroy your life.
I never cared about the fact that you drink away your problems,
that you get so drunk you pass out and wake up the next morning to start it all over again.
I never liked your kisses or laying next to you with my head on your chest,
Anything you ever told me, I made sure to judge you about your lifestyle, the decisions you made and the way you chose to deal with your problems.
I never saw a future with you anyways,
I decided to string you along and play with your emotions,
and make sure you got hurt.
When I told you I loved you,
I didn't mean it.
Jk...Jk...
sole intellectual propety and original concept of Cicely N. Carter
I'm just a sorry excuse for a sometimes girlfriend,
Good enough for some things,
but not to really trust.
Tell me u love me,
then throw it away just like me, the piece of trash I am.
I'm the same one that never had a good thing to say,
that never asked how you were doing or hoped to make your day better,
I never actually gave a f*ck about anything you ever confided in me.
I went back and told EVERYONE.
I actually was just using you,
In fact, I plotted on you the first time we met,
to be sure I could come and completely destroy your life.
I never cared about the fact that you drink away your problems,
that you get so drunk you pass out and wake up the next morning to start it all over again.
I never liked your kisses or laying next to you with my head on your chest,
Anything you ever told me, I made sure to judge you about your lifestyle, the decisions you made and the way you chose to deal with your problems.
I never saw a future with you anyways,
I decided to string you along and play with your emotions,
and make sure you got hurt.
When I told you I loved you,
I didn't mean it.
Jk...Jk...
sole intellectual propety and original concept of Cicely N. Carter
Poetry Pause
Clouds
The paper gets cloudy, soggy with tears
I made the effort to be with you and buried my fears.
It wasn't enough and I began to see,
no matter what I did we could never be.
I wish I were wrong, could change your mind,
but all hope for that has been left behind.
I tried in vain, it just wasn't enough,
guess for me Cupid has run out of luck.
The tears fall heavier with each word I write,
blurring my vision 'til paper's out of sight.
I broke the one promise I made to myself,
I shouldn't have loved you, so hard like I fell.
original work and sole intellectual property of Cicely N. Carter 3/8/2011
The paper gets cloudy, soggy with tears
I made the effort to be with you and buried my fears.
It wasn't enough and I began to see,
no matter what I did we could never be.
I wish I were wrong, could change your mind,
but all hope for that has been left behind.
I tried in vain, it just wasn't enough,
guess for me Cupid has run out of luck.
The tears fall heavier with each word I write,
blurring my vision 'til paper's out of sight.
I broke the one promise I made to myself,
I shouldn't have loved you, so hard like I fell.
original work and sole intellectual property of Cicely N. Carter 3/8/2011
ObviouslyVeryEmotionalResponse (O.V.E.R.)
It only took a few weeks to come into fruition,
a lonely stroll down 6th Avenue on a bustiling after-work evening.
The tears that ran down my face couldn't be sabotaged
by the wide grin and chuckle that escaped my gnarled mouth.
I smiled because it was so simple, laughed because of the situation I had landed my self in this time.
What I really wanted to do was throw a fuckin' tantrum.
Sob uncontrollably until I'd wrung out the last tear.
original work and sole intellectual property of Cicely N. Carter 3/8/2011
a lonely stroll down 6th Avenue on a bustiling after-work evening.
The tears that ran down my face couldn't be sabotaged
by the wide grin and chuckle that escaped my gnarled mouth.
I smiled because it was so simple, laughed because of the situation I had landed my self in this time.
What I really wanted to do was throw a fuckin' tantrum.
Sob uncontrollably until I'd wrung out the last tear.
original work and sole intellectual property of Cicely N. Carter 3/8/2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I Have Returned!
So sorry everyone! My life has been kinda hectic lately. I get home and crash and then wake up early to do it all over again. Finally, I have www.liamartistry.com and my biz is in the process of being a registered LLC!!! So I am now the Chief MUA/Founder of L.I.A.M. Artistry, LLC. I'm so happy about that.
Work is going ok. I am currently here in KY to pick up my Liam. We are going to be driving back to NYC in my car with Monica, who now also lives with us. (yes, MY car). It's a '95 Buick Century Special and yes...I love it lol. I need to get a CD/mp3/radio for it and some better sound but otherwise he's gorgeous I basically live on the border of Queens and Long Island, so this is TOTALLY a plus for me in many ways:
1) chores like grocery shopping and laundry become MUCH easier
2) more frequent trips to L.i. :)
3) able to travel for mua work in NJ and Long Island
I need to get back in my groove and resume studying for the LSAT once again. My goal is to now study 3 hours a week and then do practice tests biweekly up until the big day. I need to REALLY focus on cracking logic games and I know I can ace this one. So much has been going on with me lately. I am thinking and thinking and maybe I will still apply for L-school for fall 2012. I will see what score I get on the LSAT and then take it from there.
I am also now working with a personal trainer, although it hasn't been yielding the rapid results I would have hoped. I'm sure 99% of that is my fault for slacking on the DIET part of it. But Diane is really cool and gave me a great price for a package of workouts with her. I just know I have got to get into plus model shape for real this time. 75 lbs is my goal to lose by February next year.
As much as I hate to admit it...I think I have fallen in love again..."if NOT, he is the prototype" lol This whole situation happened out of nowhere. Certainly didn't expect and still dont know what to think. I feel a connection with him. He is eccentric, complex, guarded and sometimes nuts. But then he can be sweet, serious and loving at the same time. I really don't know where this all came from...I don't know what it means. What I do know is that I want him around and I want to see where this goes...
I will be trying to write 2 entries/week and stay on top of things!
Love,
FLMM
Work is going ok. I am currently here in KY to pick up my Liam. We are going to be driving back to NYC in my car with Monica, who now also lives with us. (yes, MY car). It's a '95 Buick Century Special and yes...I love it lol. I need to get a CD/mp3/radio for it and some better sound but otherwise he's gorgeous I basically live on the border of Queens and Long Island, so this is TOTALLY a plus for me in many ways:
1) chores like grocery shopping and laundry become MUCH easier
2) more frequent trips to L.i. :)
3) able to travel for mua work in NJ and Long Island
I need to get back in my groove and resume studying for the LSAT once again. My goal is to now study 3 hours a week and then do practice tests biweekly up until the big day. I need to REALLY focus on cracking logic games and I know I can ace this one. So much has been going on with me lately. I am thinking and thinking and maybe I will still apply for L-school for fall 2012. I will see what score I get on the LSAT and then take it from there.
I am also now working with a personal trainer, although it hasn't been yielding the rapid results I would have hoped. I'm sure 99% of that is my fault for slacking on the DIET part of it. But Diane is really cool and gave me a great price for a package of workouts with her. I just know I have got to get into plus model shape for real this time. 75 lbs is my goal to lose by February next year.
As much as I hate to admit it...I think I have fallen in love again..."if NOT, he is the prototype" lol This whole situation happened out of nowhere. Certainly didn't expect and still dont know what to think. I feel a connection with him. He is eccentric, complex, guarded and sometimes nuts. But then he can be sweet, serious and loving at the same time. I really don't know where this all came from...I don't know what it means. What I do know is that I want him around and I want to see where this goes...
I will be trying to write 2 entries/week and stay on top of things!
Love,
FLMM
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