Saturday Morning Insomnia

As usual, there is alot on my mind. Mostly $ related, but basically encompassing everything. I hav an interview this a.m. @ 11 in JFK for a retail store there. At this point I need a second job to finish paying off these bills :/ before I leave. So we'll c how that goes.

There is just never enough $ I just cant seem to make enuff.:/ I miss Mr.Poops :/ tomorrow is Mother's Day. No I didnt even get shit for Mom, 2 pts for me :-(

So I will probably see MPL today & I resolved that I wont cry. I fuckin refuse. I also am not even gonna talk about whatever happenes b/w us. Its dead, ya se acabo todo. I really just cant go back there & I really dont want to. *sigh* fml

Until again,
FLMM

This Right Here's For You...

Elijah,
Before I dont ever get the chance to talk to you again, I realized that keeping things inside is hurting no one but myself. I am still in love with you and I love you. You continue to tell me that I can do better. You can also do better than what you're doing. Who you are right now does NOT have to be who you continue to be and who you will end up being.
I know a lot of bad things have happened in your past and you still have to deal with that. Way before you met me, you had so much to live for and people who love you and will have your back no matter what. As long as you are alive, tomorrow is another day, another chance to do right. It's painstakingly clear to me that you dont understand how I truly feel about you, maybe you never will. When I look at you , I dont see everything bad. I see someone who has so much love inside of him, who is lost from the things he set up to do and who, just like me, is still trying to figure out the person he will become.
I know how it feels to give someone so much of yourself and for them to rip you apart. To make you question everyone and everything. To make you wonder what you ever did that was so bad and so wrong to make someone treat you like that. You start to wonder how and if you offended God and what you can do to right the wrong things you might have done. I understand all too well about that.
Before I met you I resolved that I was never going to fall in love again, that for 2011 and on my life would be focused on reaching my dreams and raising an intelligent, wonderful man. Then, I met you and for whatever reason we liked each other and there was something about you that I couldn't shake. I can't explain why I feel the way I do about you, but I know what's in my heart and what I'm compelled to say. I know that thinking of you would make me smile, that seeing you play with Liam made me happy, that the small amount of time that we spent together I was happy (well mostly).
So I know that it was hard for you to believe me and I'm not even too sure that it really matters right now. But it matters to me to tell you, so that it was never a secret: if and when you needed me, I would have been there for you. I have never let my friends or my family down and I love those people like none other. The love I have for you was/is on the same level, but in a different way and I've never let them down and never will. With you I saw a chance for me to do something different, to let myself go and try to trust someone for the first time in three years. I never worried about me breaking your heart, but somehow I knew it would be you that would break mine. I am always the one who ends up losing in the end because I take a chance on people. I see the best in others, sometimes when they can't even see it in themselves. It is because I open myself that I am prone to getting hurt. Nothing would have been perfect between us but I can guarantee I wouldn't have broken your heart and when things were bad or worse, good or better, I would have been there through it all start to finish.With me, you never would have been alone (in the non-stalker way of course)...
I don't even know if any of this matters anymore, if you even care or what it will change if anything. All i know is that you changed me. Almost as soon as you ignited something new inside me, you also put out that fire in the same breath. I don't know what this means to you and I have no control over your reaction. What I do know is that aside from the hate I used to carry in my heart towards Liam's father and the undying love I have felt for Liam since he was inside my tummy, this is the realest thing I've ever felt.
So I laid all that shit bare and I put it out in the atmosphere and it's there. Do what you want with it, don't care, ignore it, cry about it, sleep on it, mull over it, do what you please. I'm done

Good bye,
Cici

Heartbreaks & a Few Mistakes. Meantime In Between Time

TGTIT - Thank God Tomorrow is Thursday (i.e. pay day lol) Uggh this day is dragging. Been at work 3 hrs and 35 minutes and I'm #done, #overit and #hatedit right now lol. Also have been a much more active member of Twitter and I must admit it is actually REALLY fun! :)


I miss my Poopsalopolous :/ lol Yes a new found nickname. My lil baby boo. He is getting too grown. I miss him so much and hope and pray we never have to be separated like this again at least not until he goes to college!

808s & Heartbreaks continue...but not for much longer! I have decided, especially in light of recent events that all I can do is tell MPL how I feel and felt and move the hell on. At this point, after I leave NYC  I may never see him again and even if I do, I may never have the chance to tell him all that I feel & purge these feelings out of me. He will probably never understand that I would have been there through the rough times he's going through now and the brighter times in the future. He will never understand that I want Liam to have a REAL Dad and eventually want to have more kids and it COULD have just possibly, maybe been with him. He will never understand that I just wanted him to put in the effort like I was and man up. I realized he didn't have alot to offer (in terms of tangible things), but the intangible (love and the way he could have treated me) would have been enough until he could get the rest of his life together. He will never understand that had he just been 100% with me from the beginning, it would have been easier for both of us to walk away.
He will never understand that I actually do understand the hurt he has left over from his ex, as I had something of the same extent happen to me. I'm not completely recovered yet, but everyday I get closer. I know what is like to need the time to heal from something so terrible. But I am still living and trying to better my life. All I wanted was for someone to love me, support me and to be apart of my son's life. Yes, I want a fuckin family! Well obviously. But you know what at the end of the day I won't sweat it. I'm not desperate and I realize what I have: a beautiful son that makes me eternally happy, a loving family, great friends and the drive and ambitions to do and accomplish everything I put my mind to. Yes, that is a FutureLawyerModelMama. That's what makes me who I am and makes me one of a kind. If any man who wants to be involved with me can't see that...I'm not the one to force him.

June 17/18 I'm outta NYC!!!!

Cupid's Chokehold & June Departures

Man oh man! Has alot been going down in my life :/. I miss Poops so much, it is unbelievable. It must be this Spring weather and me wishing that he and I could go frolic in the park. I know he is well taken care of and having fun with mom and dad, but I miss him to pieces...I'm slightly pissed b/c he was dressed up in his vest and dress pants with tie and i'm pretty sure mom and dad DIDNT take pictures...REALLY?!? uggh I'm annoyed all over again thinking about it.

On another different note, I had a Bacardi 151 and Four Loko induced meltdown last night into today and even though I still physically feel kinda sh!tty, I feel much better emotionally. My biggest peeve is when I don't understand how or why I feel a certain way and I agonize over it and stress myself out about it...Needless to say I cried like a baby. I hadn't cried like that in a while...as good as it felt to get it out, I still can't even truly express how I feel. I know why I cried, but there are some things you really have to keep to yourself. I'm normally so collected when it comes to my emotions, so stoic even when it comes to love and I just let the hell loose.

MPL and I were walking and then all of sudden I got HELLA emotional. I have got to learn how to deal with my emotions better instead of letting it all out at once! But I'm all f--ked up. I am still in love with him, I don't know why and I don't want to be in love anymore. I am ready to be over it. Of course I wish things could work out, but they can't and I dont' think they will...EVER...

Sucking it Up, Growing Up, Letting Go & Not Giving Up

So I have been fighting the inevitable: my time in NYC expired. I don't have the means to continue to live here and adequately support myself or my Liam here. I will be leaving behind so many people, so many memories and opportunities, but guess what not only will these things STILL be in NYC if I decide to return here and live. But I have something/someone so much more important than anything: Liam. I think I was beginning to lose sight of what/who is important in my life and just pushing and pushing, but I wasnt going anywhere. I had to really stop and think about what matters to me in my life. That's growing up. So here is the new Grown UP and not Giving Up Plan:

1) move back to KY w/ my parents until mid-2012
2) take the LSAT in October
3) apply to l-school in KY, FL & NYC
4) save $$$
5) make plans for 2012 based on law school
6) create a stability plan for Poops
7) continue my fitness plan
8) continue my modeling plans

The last thing I am going to slowly, but surely do: let go of him (yeah E.L.) I still have feelings for him for whatever reason, but right now he is not where he needs to be in life and may not be anytime soon. So yeah I still love him and in another life it might have worked,  I have just vowed to never act on those feelings anymore. I went down that road and it got me nowhere.

So June 2011 - KY here I come  :/

Mama's Faced with Not So Fun Decisions :/

So here we go again, the exact same fate I sought to avoid months ago...my Poops and I must ONCE AGAIN be separated. WTF?!? This is not how things are supposed to go. I landed a better job, 1 FT + 2 freelance positions actually...Life sucks right now. I'm over it. I have literally done everything I can...I don't know what is left to do. Mom and Dad are coming to pick up Poops and this time he won't be coming back to NYC b/c I too am leaving. I have spent too much time trying to make it work, trying to survive here and I haven't been genuinely happy in a while. What makes me happy now is Poops! Knowing I can take care of him with no problems.

I have decided to try my luck in the SoFla area with my friend Mercedes. I have to get the care fixed, get out of this God forsaken lease and then I'm off to Florida. My plan is to be gone between June 15-July 1. I'm going to apply to law school there for next Fall pt and then when I finally have a job shortly after I arrive and find childcare, I'm going to get Liam and we will begin our new life for a couple of years anyways...at least until law school is over. I can't think of anywhere else to go from here....I'm stuck and out of luck right now. All my efforts are seemingly in vain...

On another note. I went to Queens County family court and filed both child support and full custody papers. I'm so over his father and trying to compromise. There is no compromise anymore. You don't do anything!!! Ok yeah the while >$300 you have spent on him since birth and the 20 days out of the past month you have watched watched your OWN son is a HUGE help. Oh please. Liam is much better off with no father than a 1/2 ass one. #hatedit!

What's left for me to do in NYC:

1) bye bye lease
2) continue personal training until I leave
3)get car fixed
4) say my good byes to my friends here :/

Headed to the Laundromat...

Hey everyone. I have been totally incognegro lol. Excuse me for the long absence. I have had much to mull over in the past few weeks. I feel like I am at that point in my life where things are at a stand still yet again...Idk what to do. I feel like something needs to change in my life, but I don't know what that is...

So let's take it step by step:

Work - it's obviously NOT a hard job, but I am not challenged...I did make commission last month and can expect to receive a bonus check of $300, but something is amiss within me...I am just collecting a paycheck every 2 weeks and even then it seems no matter what i do, I NEVER have enough money

Miami trip 2011 - I know I will have the trip paid off, but will I even be able to buy any cute clothes/get my hair done/get a mani/pedi/have spending $?

$$$$ - always a constant concern for me. How to get more of it, faster quicker and on time....

Poops!!!!

 


Well I will get to the rest a little later. It's laundry time followed by Mommy/Poops time :).

Until again
FLMM

A Week Later & A Change of Heart

So I am 6 lbs lighter bitches!! lol j/k! But I LOVE LOVE LOVE working out. I love how I feel so much better. I am REALLY going to lose 75 lbs by next year. Hell maybe more. I'm ready to be back in plus model shape, I am ready to feel good in my skin. I'm ready to REALLY be a MILF hahahaha :). I am 23, I still have plenty of miles left and I want to enjoy what is left of my youth!
Other news, Poops is 17 months old as of today. And he makes me just as happy as the day he was born :).
#3 - I am totally and completely single - not giving my heart away no more!!! :/
#4 - I need a 3rd/4th job lol
 #5 - I'm going to Miami bitch May 19-23!!!!! Mom is coming up to watch Poops and I'm super psyched for my first ADULT vacation.


Be back soon,
FLMM

"808s and Heartbreaks" : FLMM Edition

Sometimes it takes me a while to sort of the words to accompany the things that I feel. At least to be able to VERBALLY express things. Through writing as usual there is no issue. This week I have written about 5 poems which says alot since I havent written anything since Nov 2010. I needed to vent, to let out some pent up emotion and that's exactly what I did. Problem is, I need to convey all these feelings to one person and I'm pretty sure he will never get it!

I have tried to discuss things at many times, but the opportunity/mood wasn't right or there was alcohol involved. Well it's time for me to stop with the p*ssyfootin' and bullsh!t and get real, get raw and get to the point. Said person claims they "love" me. I'm skeptical about that statement. When I say something and mean it, I verbalize it and externalize it. I say it and show it...for sake of anonymity we will call him MPL...

This is technically our 2nd go-round of being considered a "couple". I broke up with him b/c I didn't believe he was sincere, once I spoke with him and cleared it up, I was inclined to give him a 2nd chance. Now is where I'm trying to figure out if I made a mistake. Everything  that has gone on since then points to that.
He also claims that he "loves me" and wants to see where things go b/c I accepted him at his worst point. I think he may have doubted my sincerity as well, but I quickly cleared that up. I'm not going to judge someone b/c of some bad choices they may have made or the negative things that are going on in their lives. To me, I saw someone who I could relate to on certain levels and someone who had a story to tell. Deep down I felt like we were searching for the same thing: love.

But somehow, something changed. I don't know what it was and now I don't know what to do/how to fix it. What I do know is that it wasn't me. So I'm gonna pose some questions:
Is it wrong to want affection from the person who is supposed to be your significant other? (i.e. cuddling, kissing, etc)
Is it wrong to want to talk to them and have a conversation about how their day went and anything that might be on their mind?
Is it ok to NOT want to talk to them when they are in a stage of drunken ignorance?
Can I feel a little sad if I don't feel like I'm getting the attention I need or deserve?

The bottom line is I don't feel like he is putting enough anything into this alledged relationship. I keep using that term b/c I feel like that's all it is: ALLEDGED. I am honestly confused as to why he would want to be in a relationship and do NOTHING to develop it. I will say that he has made small steps, but HE was the one who asked ME out! So if you feel the way you say u do, then why why why why why why why are not NOT showing me?

When I love a person I show it. I don't feel like he is giving me the chance to do that. I'm not happy, when I'm not happy it's time to change things! I am gonna put it out there...yeah I love him, but the feelings are starting to go away. I'm starting to wonder if I really was fucked up in the game thinking there was a possibility for me and him to EVER work? Yes he has problems, as do I, but if you are not willing to work on things and grow together and open up: THERE IS NO POINT.

You can't be in a successful relationship and have no trust, communication or sense of commitment. Yeah I'm a serial monogamist, but I do finally now understand why all of my relationships thus far have gone south. Communication! MPL doesn't want to communicate with me, doesn't want to open up and put himself out there, then I can't force him and I don't want to be with him.

If MPL is truly ready to take the plunge and accept the challenge, then I know for a fact we'd actually stand a chance. When I'm in love and in a relationship, I am committed to making things work. I believe that partners should empower each other and spark something inside one another. I should feel motivated, understood,  supported and loved by my partner and will give the same in return. Notice how none of this boiled down to material things: money, car or what you can do for me.

MPL, you need to understand that you had none of those things when I met you and that I am willing to be there for you when shit is good, bad and worse. I knew/know what the situation is and I still decided to stick around. You still got to meet Liam and I still want you to be apart of our lives. I'm not saying it's easy to let someone in, cuz it's not. But if you are sincere in your motivations and really want to be in my life and Liam's life, then you will understand that as long as you need us, we'll be around. I'm not easily persuaded and I know what I feel. I feel like it's time for you to man the fuck up and realize who and what you have in front of you. It's me Cici: the smart ass, the mother of Liam, the aspiring lawyer, the intelligent woman who can cook when she really wants to or feels like it, that came from KY home of the Waffle House, aspiring model and currently makeup artist, fun to chill with, can tell her anything, can bring her home to meet your mama, always ready for a debate, has a good heart, who fell in love with a Marine, who is ready to give it her all. Nothing in life is easy, but you don't have to shut everyone out. I'm like Tevin Campbell "I'm Ready". I'm not perfect and all I can do is strive to be a better person. I am putting it all out there and if you don't want to accept it, then I can't make you. But you are not letting me be anything at this point and if that's how it has to be then, it's over.


Signing off,
FLMM

What's New with FLMM?

I recant a previous statement that I made about my plans for law school. I WILL be applying for law school fo 2012 admission. My school list essentially remains the same with the addition of Hofstra U Law school. It's in Hempstead, L.I. and since I'm driving now and would be living in the Queens/Bk.Li area, it makes sense.
While talking with my personal trainer, Diane, she made me realize that I should just go for my dreams. Why wait around? I'm not getting any younger and everyday that passes by is an opportunity for me to get my life moving in the right direction. I feel a very positive vibe about that. Right now I am restless and need to bring some purpose back into my life. I'm currently working on my weight...only 68 more lbs to go til goal...I am working on my overall health as well. Working on being the best mom and caretaker and working on getting my finances in order.

I do lament that while I do have an amazing support group of friends, that I don't have a partner to share all the joy and struggle with. To help me raise Liam, to see me through my good and bad points and to really be a rock in my life...oh well I guess in due time...

I am slacking on doing things for the business as I have run into a recent lack of funds. I have the website up and running and am waiting for the LLC paperwork to come back through! I need to get back on my grind! Will keep you guys updated!

FLMM