Nursing School, NYC and Oh Yeah the Rest of My Life

I have been mulling over this idea for the past couple of days and just had to get it down on paper, so to speak. I have been thinking this:

I should finish all my Science, Sociology, Stats classes here at EKU Summer '12, Fall '12 and Spring '13 and then apply to an accelerated BSN in NYC. I will save most of my tax return from next year. Apply for every scholarship known to man and bust it out, grinding my azz off, raising my son and actually LIVING in NYC. 

 Why in the hell would I do that? 

#1 The ASN at EKU is only a 2 yr program and even though I have completed 70% of the degree it would still take me TWO YEARS to finish...eh what?!

#2 IF I can make it work, survive monetarily, actually have some sort of help from Liam's dad (or not), can afford daycare and have my ish legit...I can finish my nursing degree by the time I'm 26 and have a BSN instead. I would then work and try to start my M.S. to become a Nurse Practicioner by age 30. 

#3 Modeling! I am NEVER going to have a career/ make any headway if I can't be where the action/casting are happening. I'm going to be 25 next year! The closer I get to 30, the less my chances for having success truly are. Even though is plus size modeling the age is extended out, I want to try my hardest and put myself in the position for any and all opportunities I can get.

#4 Freelance writing and blogging...the city! That's where its at baby! 

#5 being back with my friends and the city I call home. I love my family and appreciate all the things they have done for me, but NYC is where my heart stays and that's where I want to lay my head down to rest every night. 

#6 I want Liam to be exposed to all the culutral goodness that NYC has to offer. We may not live there forever, but I want him to know and love his birthplace and the place that I love so much and why. 

The school's that are in my radar to apply to: Columbia, NYU, Suny Stony Brook (way far out in LI) and Suny Downstate in Brooklyn. From the first 2 I know the prices will be exorbitant. Stony Brook has what I've heard is a great program but if I was living in Brooklyn that would be an 1.5 hrs driving one way! Downstate makes the most sense in terms of prereqs and monetarily, but their program is competitive and I have heard some horror stories about the administration! *sigh* 

Here's what the timeline would look like:

May- Dec 2012 in class at EKU

Oct 1 - still apply for admission into the ADN program at EKU

January/Feb - begin to submit application for the accelerated programs at the aforementioned schools

January-April - file FAFSA, taxes, apply for EVERY scholarship known to man for nurses of color, students 25+ and any other nursing scholarship I can find. 

January-May 2013 -finish last reqs for the ABSN programs

May/June 2013 - move to NYC!?!?!?

June-September --> start my accelerated BSN?!?!

It is A LOT to undertake. I know this and I'm not scared by it. A little overwhelmed, but if it means making this life happen for me and my son...I'm all about it...

Any thoughts?

Until next time,

Cicely

Piri Thomas dies at 83; Latino writer

Piri Thomas dies at 83; Latino writer

I'm so sad I hadn't realized he had passed away! Down These Mean Streets is one of my favorite autobiographies!RIP Piri!

Mama the Model 2nd Feature of 2011

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:) I know this is what I'm meant to do, man! :) I feel it.

Poker Face

"Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(she's got me like nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face(she's got me like nobody)" - Lady GaGa

As much as I am an extrovert, I am very in tune with my own feelings. Sometimes forcing me into a dream like state in the middle of the day (actually sometimes during a conversation lol). I have the ability to slip inside myself at intervals and get lost in thought. This past week there was much of that going on.

I have finally found the problem with DD. Since he is still in the middle of the divorce (they are  separated and not living together), he is not far enough removed from it to move on yet. I'm pretty sure he is still in love with her.  I do think he is branching out and trying to forget, trying to bury those muddled, confused and scattered feelings he has inside. Which is where I step in and why he has been dating in the first place. I really should have seen this coming. You can't get over a 16 year marriage in a few short months. He is only 42, so most of his adult life was spent loving and caring for the same woman. I don't fault him for that. I have finally reached the point at the end of last year, beginning of this year that I can truly say I am 100% over Liam's father and the damage he caused. Still scarred, but I know for a fact that there are no feelings left there. I have moved on. I am also about three years removed from that situation. DD is not. Time heals all as they say and I hope that with time things become easier and clearer for him and that he can actually forge a new life.

He truly is a great guy and under different circumstances, things could have developed much differently. I don't fault him at all because I am a sucker. I am a sucker for a guy that treats me right and as much as I put up a front, I am a sucker for love. I was overzealous. I enjoyed his company,our conversation and even if only for a few short hours having the attention of this man. One of my fatal flaws is caring too much and it always has been. When I'm a friend to someone, I am there 100%. When I am in relationship I don't think I have ever given 100%, but it has been pretty damn close and every single time I am let down, cheated on, toyed with and left scarred. So that the next time, there is less of me in the reserves to give. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When watching Desperate Housewives a few weeks ago,there was a flashback to Brie (spelling?) Van De Camps' childhood. Her mother taught her a lesson about composure and never revealing how you really feel even at crucial moments when you are expected to crack. This is my defense mechanism. I refuse to let anyone,especially a man, know how I feel. When DD and I were out on our dates and he would constantly stare at me and remark how "beautiful","stunning" I looked or how "intoxicating my smile is" and there was the part of me that just thought "wow, he's dreamy" and the other part (dominant) that thought "he is really full of shit/how many chicks does he use THIS on"? He also complimented me on my drive, my personality and how I really am how he expected after months of emails, texts and calls.

It has nothing to do with self esteem. I love myself and who I am as a person. Flaws and all. What I don't get is how so many people can tell me I'm great, beautiful etc...but that no one ever taken the chance to appreciate and cherish that about me. Being pretty is great and having a nice body is too, but these things are fleeting. I want someone to appreciate me inside and out. All or nothing. I think the years of being taken for granted have put a damper on the more vivacious parts of me. Some of my friends tell me that I have a light, an electricity about me,something magnetic...I don't get how that is when I can't seem to find someone, the Right One.

I don't think that DD was/is "the one" for me, but I did expect this to have a little more potential than what reality seems to be playing out. It seems every time I am positive and willing to open up some, it does not work. As I talked about this briefly with my friend Katherine, at least I got wined and dined for a week right? lol (as I sit here typing this laughing and in tears). But that's not how I looked at it. That can happen with anyone. I like(d) this guy and it made it that much better to spend time with someone I actually wanted to. What I am going to do is just fall back. Less calls, less texts and an occasional check-in (although maybe not romantically, I would still like us to cross paths. Just to know he is doing alright and things in his life are better). It is totally my lot in life to meet someone great and it not be able to work out. I don't want to be a rebound, a second choice, better of two choices or something to do to pass the time.

I have learned a few things over this week.One of those being that this is the type of love I want. I see this man fighting so hard to save his marriage, to save himself and his family and to make sense of the changes that are happening so swiftly. I hear and see this pure vulnerability. His entire life is changing and to a large extent, there is nothing he can do about it. I find it admirable that someone would fight so hard. It proves how much she/their life/their kids and all this really means to him.   It makes me realize that in a similar situation that I would very well do the same thing. I want a man who will fight like that for me...*sigh* I'm a hopeless f**king romantic. It's in my nature .

*Side note* He is also an amazing photographer. In a strictly business way, I totally want him to shoot me one day. We were playing around with his camera one day last week and he got some very nice shots of me. I believe in his ability behind the camera and mine in front of it...we will both certainly get portfolio quality work.

I'm 100% sure it is time to enact a hiatus from dating again. There will be no more Match.com. That has run its course. I really want to believe that things will be different and that life won't be this complicated. I'm not angry or disappointed. A little sad maybe, but I see this as another learning curve. All I can really do now is what I've always done: focus on me and of course my better half and continue to give my readers some hell of some blog entries to ponder. :)

So to exit with more poignant song lyrics:

"Back to life,

back to reality.

Back to the here and now"- Soul 2Soul

Until next time,
Cicely

Miguel-Arch & Point-Official video HD

My Date with D.D.

As thus far one of the only things that has gone right about my past few days in NYC. DD and I went on our first date. I was nervous as hell and opted for my default "all black everything". In my defense, it was a nice midi skirt and long sleeve shirt with a little spandex in it and everything fit nice.  I decided to wear some nude wedges and add some more dimension to the outfitI really didn’t think I looked first date ready, but again the custody issues were hanging over me. I almost didn’t go because my mood was that down. Since Mom agreed to stay in with Poops (since we still had him with us), I had the night to myself. This was Sunday night into Monday (weeelllll into Monday –no NOT like that. Get your mind outta the gutter please lol). With the mood I was in and all the custody ish weighing me down I told him all I could honestly use was a drink (or eight lol) and nice conversation. And because I was running on CP time I ended up being like 20 minutes late, he didn’t mind luckily. He greeted me with that wonderful smile of his and a nice, warm hug. He decided we should hit up a little dive bar in Little Italy and had some great conversation over tequila shots lol (no really-again my choice).

I knew my feet would be hurting so I brought my flats. When my feet couldn’t take it anymore, he carried my other shoes (Nine West wedges and at one point I even got him to carry my purse lol). We finished the drinks and convo and headed to a little Mexican bar/restaurant that happened to be closed and the bartender was nice enough to let us come in and have some Margaritas since he and some friends were still there drinking it up anyways. After that we walked over to a little pub and had another drink and a nice conversation right up until the bar closed (remember this is NYC on Easter Sunday around 2 am). From there we hit a hookah bar/lounge in Soho, listened to music and stayed for a little bit. *Random side note* -This Haitian guy (yes, he told me he was Haitian) pulled me aside on my way back from the bathroom and was asking what I was doing with “this white guy”, which I politely responded that he was my date. The guy proceeds to tell me that he could treat me better and that if we left then DD wouldn’t even notice lol. All I could do was laugh. I wasn’t drunk, just feeling a little nice. But that was a hot ass mess! I digress. Back to date night: At that point it was waaay past my bedtime and time to head back to Brooklyn lol. He was such a gentleman and in true, manly, chivalrous fashion paid for everything, held doors open like he was supposed to, pulled out chairs, held my hand down some questionable stairs, helped me in his truck (or the limo as we jokingly called it all night). He gave me his coat when the temperature dropped later in the night and he was great.

We decided to grab a bite to eat at a 24 hour diner a couple miles across Manhattan Bridge on the Brooklyn side. We had hot chocolate and huevos rancheros. After that it was home time and he needed to leave for a class he had in the morning. So we headed to my sublet I don’t think either of us were ready for the night (well morning by this time) to end. He parked in front of the building. I stayed in the car until the sun came up literally, we talked, we kissed and I had an amazing time. We enjoyed each other’s company from about 10:45 Sunday night until 6:15 Monday morning. I never got bored and I wasn’t even really that tired. He is a Tony the Tiger Grrrrreat kisser btw lol. He also has some of the most intense blue eyes I have ever seen. We had a running joke about him having X-Ray vision and in a way I don’t doubt it. He has a way of looking that sees right into you, hard to explain but very captivating.

As someone who hasn’t been taken on a REAL ADULT date ever, (not even when I was actually dating Liam’s father) it felt good to be treated like a lady, a woman. To have someone put care into the little things. To have things done with no expectations is wonderful. I think this is certainly my most successful date thus far. I feel very comfortable with him, there were no akward moments. I truly think he was the breath of fresh air I needed. In all honesty, he makes me feel like a teenage dream…Yes, I mean the Katy Perry kind. You have to realize although this is our first “date” we have been talking since mid-December, so this is about four months in the making. I am so looking forward to seeing him Wednesday and hell, maybe even another day after that if his schedule permits. If nothing else comes out of this and we remain in contact and just as friends, I now have a standard to which all my future dates have to look up to and it is HIGH! J

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Day 4 #Nando25

See the lesson in this link here: http://nandoism.com/2012/04/04/day-4-nando25-challenge-the-meanings-we-attach-to-life-situations/


How I am going to Challenge the meanings I associate and create new ones:
What NEW meanings will you create for yourself in these areas?


LOVE - no longer will I view love an something intangible and something I can't obtain. I will love and try to become fearless when I am in love. I will give of myself to those who deserve it and accept nothing less in return. I will stop hiding behind my failed relationships and the scars I carry. I will emerge new, whole and ready to love and be in a loving relationship like I deserve


CAREER - For me this will mean being happy. It will not always be easy forging the different careers that I want, but it will mean that I accomplish a sense of inner peace, belonging and most important fulfillment. I won't give up when the going gets hard.


WEIGHT-  I will not get comfortable with this 40 lb weight loss. I will continue to lose weight and create a healthy lifestyle for me and my son. I will NOT let my weight determine who I am or who I can become.I will be a confident curvy goddess. 

Nando's 25 Day Challenge -Day 3: Scams

When doing this segment of this "better me" challenge I had to really look beyond the surface of some of the things I do. The biggest scam/facade/mask I hide behind is commitment and truly letting someone into my heart and my life.I just feel like I can't do that 100%. I can't relinquish that much power, I can't loosen up the reigns.

I know that being in love means putting my heart is someone else's hands to do what they please with it. I don't think I can handle the type of betrayal, heartbreak and mistrust that sometimes goes along with the ending of a relationship.So every guy I meet, I put up a wall. They can be a great guy, a good fit for me, but no matter what I sabotage my own chance at happiness.

I'm not sure that if I continue on this path I can ever be truly happy. I look at every guy that comes my way and virtually eliminate him before he has the chance. I don't want to keep doing this and miss my chance with a great guy. Miss the chance for Liam to have a great male role model in his life. I need to evaluate and reassess what I am doing and love smarter than I did before.

So what do you guys think about self-sabotage? Have you ever fallen victim to it?

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