What I Thought I Knew, I Really Know Nothing of

It has been almost 2 months since my last entry and I'm truly sorry about that. I have had some huge ups and some downs as well mixed in. But guess what I'm still here and surviving!!! Sometimes, barely but I'm here. So let's talk about the bad (and I will include a second post to follow) 

Motherhood - We have finally figured out the groove and details and Liam will now be attending the county Headstart until the end of the year (end of May), receiving speech therapy and will start full force in September 2013 in the 3 year old class. Remember his October birthday does NOT meet the cutoff here. But I have no issue with that as long as he gets the services that he needs. 

The education team (psychologists, speech therapist, occupational therapist and director of the Headstart) have raised concerns that Liam may have an Autism Spectrum Disorder. I'm not 100% sure what to think. They will be conducting more in depth studies/observations of him, but I am honestly scared. I dont know what to think. When looking at some of the symptoms, he does seem to fit the bill for Autism Spectrum Disorders...I just don't want to label him before I know anything. Even if the diagnosis ends up being right, I dont ever want to label him. So I'm just waiting to see where and how to proceed from here.

It just makes me sad, like maybe there is something more I could have done, but we will make it through this and become a stronger family because of it. It still makes me tear up even now writing this. I got the news about a week ago and it is still sinking in. I think the worst part is that even though my parents are supportive, they don't really know how I feel and all these important, life changing decisions are in no one's hands but my own. The fate of this kid's life in in MY hands. It is up to me to ensure that I make the best of whatever life throws at us and that he is resilient and comes out of  his childhood virtually unscathed. Frankly, I'm scared, scared as hell. I really don't want to mess this up like so many other things I have in my life. No matter what, I always want to do what is best for my son. He deserves the best and I'm doing all I can now to make sure that happens.

School - I'm still on the verge on crashing and burning, but there are still 5-6 weeks left in this semester and there is a possibility I can pull of 1 B and 2 Cs. Sad when I settle for that, but hell it is what it is. I am almost done with the online Certified Nursing Assistant class and am hoping to take my state test by mid-May (or right after classes finish). Then the job hunt begins for an overnight CNA position in a hospital. *sigh* So that means that my library job will have to go.

Sorry to give you guys such a brief run through, but I felt like I was keeping you guys out of the loop. I've had a rough time, but guess what I'm prevailing and I'm going to keep fighting my way to my goals and through the rest of this thing called life. As always thanks for reading and thanks for continuing to support me on my journey.

~Cicely

Rolling With the Punches

image courtsey of mmaboxingfitness.com

I am finally finding some time (at 4 am while doing homework as well) to write this post. It has been about a week coming. A few posts back I mentioned that my semester was decent in the Fall, but that I had one turrible and I do mean turrible grade. I try to be transparent as possible, but I was so embarrassed by that grade I couldn't even publish it for the blogosphere to see. Well, 'fess up time...I got a D in Physiology (YIKES!) That makes 1 of 3 Ds in my entire college career (sophomore and junior years in college were rough working 40 hours a week + 15-18 credits a semester in class). 

Because of that D I won't be able to start clinicals in the Fall. Even though I have EVERY OTHER requisite finished and all grades are acceptable (besides that one), because the D will still be my official grade when admissions makes their decision I can't start the program here until Spring 2014 (January NEXT year). I'm not going to lie, upon hearing this news I was devastated and in a funk for about a day and a half. I had a cry and then I realized that it is no one's fault but my own. I could make every excuse in the world, but I know where I went wrong. I was exhausted, suffering from lack of sleep and well when I noticed was my grade was headed south, it was too late to withdraw. So I tried to finish out the class the best I could and D is what ended up being my current legacy. 

I am now of course taking the class over and striving for a B, but boy oh boy have I learned from this experience. I am NOT Superwoman, I can NOT do EVERYTHING at once and do it well and I really need a break. With those things in mind, I have resolved to take this Summer off from school because I don't HAVE to go and I need the mental/physical rest. I want to get some sanity back, recharge, refocus on my weight loss journey (finally dropping these last 40ish lbs),  modeling and be fresh and ready to finish my fall semester and the 1 or 2 last requisites I have to take with STELLAR grades. 

I honestly look at this setback as the wake up call I needed to get my life together lol. I'm going to continue to kill it at the gym, be at least another dress size down by the end of summer (size 16 is so close, yet so far lol), focus on getting a job in my field (I will be done with my Certified Nurse Aide course by early April), spend precious QT with Liam, save some money and set a concrete plan for where I want to go to Nursing school and how I'm going to get there. 

I will be applying to some of the New York schools I wanted to apply to originally (for a Summer 2014 or Fall 2014 start) and every scholarship I can find. I will of course reapply here and my even start Nursing I in the Spring, but my ultimate goal (because my heart and mind are still set on it) would be to attend school in NYC so I can get both my degrees at the same time - BSN/MSN that is. Everything comes with a price though and not just monetary. I have a LOT of things to weigh in this decision, not only my career goals/aspirations, but the future of my little man and what is best for him. It may come down to it that he may have to stay with Mom and Dad if I decide on Nursing school NYC because the Summer session will be brutal. From May-August I would have to take 20-21 credits...but I'm not going to count my chickens before they hatch. 

I said all of that to say this: the lesson learned is that flexibility is key. No matter how well thought out/planned/written to a T your goals/plans are, always leave room for changes/unexpected events. Even in Statistics we learn that there is room for a margin of error, the standard deviation. So plan your life, create a solid plan, but realize that nothing rarely works on a linear path. I  liken my life to a maze: there was one starting point, I have come to many blockades and have had to turn around,  but I always end up finding my way back and closer to the next opening that is slowly moving me towards my ultimate goals (i.e. adventure/challenge). 

"Go Shawty It's Ya Birthday"

 I wasn't necessarily dreading this day, but I wasn't exactly looking forward to it either...Then I realized something...Hell, I'm STILL here. Not only have I survived NYC living, I have also managed to graduate college with degree #1, learn and grown in single motherhood, mend a broken heart AND lose weight. Now I'm back in school, working jobs that make me happy and trying to get my modeling career off the ground.  I'm happy to say that today, February 1, 2013 at 25 I am the BEST version of myself that I have ever been and that's f-in' awesome. 

Why I Think Being 25 (and beyond) is Amazing 

1. I love my body! Cellulite, stretchmarks, birthmark, spider veins and all. I have worked hard to be where I'm at and hell, I EARNED it!!

2. Wine - I love it, it loves me. We appreciate each other. We GET each other lol

3. Knowledge - I STILL don't know everything, oh yeah and NEVER well. I'm cool with that ;) 

4. Parenthood - Being a mom is AWESOME. I'm empowered, challenged, completely in love and got to grow actually create one of the coolest people I know ;)  

5. Relationships (or lack thereof) I have never felt so good being single and enjoying time with myself

6. Career - I have figured out what I want to be when I grow up

7. "Let's Talk About Sex Baby" - I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about sex. Hey I AM an adult (really, real this time) 

8. Risky Bidness - I take risks in my decisions, I expand my scope and consider things I may not have before -although more calculated than before - I realize this is my ONLY life and I'm not getting younger. I want to lead by example for Liam. That means living out loud and sticking by the actions I take and mistakes I may make along the way.

9. Improvement - I actively seek out ways to improve myself and quality of life because well...those things REALLY matter to me. 

10. Estilo - I have finally discovered MY sense of fashion and style. This really happened over the past couple of years - but I LOVE wearing dresses...body con is my BFF! 

11. Timing - Everything does NOT have to happen now - if it is meant to be, it WILL happen when it is time for it to! "Nothing happens before its time"

12. "Sometimes I like doing hoodrat things with my friends" lol - It's OK to get a little ratchet sometimes - only at appropriate times and ONLY when you recognize you are being ratchet lol!!!!!

13. "Bills, Bills, Bills" Even though bills suck, YEAH they REALLY do - it IS empowering to buy your own shizz. Yep I live in MY apartment, I drive MY car, I spent my entire paycheck on MY bills lol 

14. Let loose - Dancing around the house/apartment in your undies is COMPLETELY acceptable and actually high recommended. :) 

15. "Let your soooooooooouuuuul glooooowwwww" The only person you should aspire to be is the best version of yourself- I love me some me :) 

Cicely Plus Model New Stuff

My recent designed comp card:

Conceptual photo shoot - Me channeling the goddess Persephone

January Thus Far...

image courtesy of: http://us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/visualhunter/visualhunter1211/visualhunter121100016/16439792-january-desk-calendar-2013.jpg

You guys already know I try to stay busy and needless to say I generally succeed lol!

What's going on with me?

Trip to NYC for a plus model casting and a photo shoot is in store for this weekend. It's also a mini pre-25th birthday celebration. I have some new modeling work that I will post here separately and I'm THIS close to being signed to an agency here in Cincinnati (yaaaay-yaaaayeeee *Ice Cube voice*). Because they don't do exclusively plus like agencies in mega cities like I'm used to, the process is pretty different.Not in a bad way at all, but I REALLY feel it in my bones that this company is the right fit for me and that with them I will actually be getting work (bridal shows, commercials, hopefully some print etc) and I will be well on my way to plus model stardom...or well at least a career as a working model :).

WLJ - I'm still on it. Holding fast at my current weight and REALLY taking a look at my eating habits. Trying to and eventually will push all bread and yeast out of my diet. I'm about 98% sure it is the cause of my adult acne and bloating I feel periodically (non -period related). We'll see. I'm going to start with one week of grain/flour/wheat free and then continue with 2 weeks, 3 weeks and finally a month. At that point I should be able to keep going ;). I'm OWNING a dress size 18 by the end of May. I'm not settling!!! And I'm going to be in that 16 by the time Liam is 4 years old if NOT sooner!

School is back session and I'm taking Pilates (which is NO joke. I'm gonna have abs of steel by the time this class is over), Physiology (again - no I didn't fail but my grade WAS sub par) and Stats. I am certainly projecting As & Bs this semester (Hell NOT like I have a choice) and deadlines for applying to Nursing school are coming up as well!

I'm still taking my CNA class which I REALLY need to get a move on and finish up. My goal is to be done by the end of February. I'm hoping to be able to knock some work out during my travels to NYC!

Liam is great. He is back in daycare and thriving once again. I'm happy I made that decision (a post on that at a later date). I am still trying to arrange for him to attend the local public preschool here so that he can get the speech help he needs at NO COST (we are on all the waiting lists I know of in 2 counties) and I can finally get my handsome and intelligent boy on the straight and narrow lol.

Otherwise, life is great. I am humble, appreciative and just living and trying to do right. I hope all has been and is well with you guys!

Until again,

Cicely

Road to Nursing School 2013 and Beyond

I have been reevaluating my school choices one more time...I REALLY wanted to go to Columbia in NYC and do their ETP program. I even started the process and had my reqs all lined up. I was checking out dates for the GRE and well I was ready. biggest issue was I had not saved enough $ and I KNEW I was not prepared to be in the city with Liam by myself once again. Now, after this semester (Physiology + Stats), I will only need Chemistry and an optional Physiology lab and I will be able to again apply for Columbia as well as NYU for 2014 school year.

The biggest issue is that if I stay here at EKU I will be granted an Associate degree in Nursing by Spring 2015. That means it will take me about 20 months to get a 2 yr degree that I already have about half the credits for (b/c I have to take the classes in sequence and can only take the classes Fall/Spring and no Winter or Summer). If I get into NYU or Columbia I will finish actually around the SAME time with a BSN and right on track for my MSN (esp. in Columbia's program). I will of course incur more debt...

I really feel like I need to make this happen. I don't think Columbia is the end all be all of Nursing schools, but I do know that being there can get me to where I want to be...but at what price?

I am still applying to EKU's Nursing program and hope to get in for Fall 2013 and take the basic Nursing one, get CPR certified and be able to finish the Fall strong...I think this will make my application for Columbia even stronger, but I am worried about transferring Nursing schools. It doesn't happen too often and is generally not advised.

Then, there comes the issue of the HRSA scholarship I'm applying for...if I get the scholarship and begin at EKU...what is the likelihood of me being able to transfer the scholarship to Columbia or NYU? Will the apply funds for BSN/MSN? If not, how am I going to navigate this? I NEED that scholarship. *sigh* There is just so much at stake. I know that I want to be an NP by age 30. That is my goal. I'd like to have my DNP by 35ish.

I'm going to have to do a lot of praying and meditating over this matter. I know that if it's meant to be it WILL work out and I will have to adjust my life accordingly. I will meet opposition from my family, have support from my friends, but I know I have to make this happen for me and Liam, by any means necessary.

Weigh in...what would u do in the same situation? If I stay I have family support, cost of living is cheaper, but it will take at least another 2 years longer to finish all the schooling I want to do. If I leave in 2014, I will have the time to save $, I have contact/ties in NYC to help me get on my feet, I will be going to an amazing teaching/research school and have a multitude more of opportunities, but as we all know NYC living is hard.
 I'm willing to hear opinions, criticisms and/or words of encouragement. Sometimes I need another POV to make me look at the situation as a whole and not just from my "my way or the highway" mentality.

The Year That Lies Ahead...

Impossible is a word that has never been in my vocabulary. I don't believe there is any such thing. What limits us is our minds! Even if I can't always accomplish things in the literal sense, we live in a world where literal meaning is just one aspect of a bigger picture. I look back on this year and although I didn't get done a lot of what I though I would, I did accomplish some major things that have changed the direction of where my life was headed previously.

Let's review where I was the exact same time 365 days ago:

Take from post Adios 2011 :

"1) getting this company on it's feet and geared towards success. I want to take LIAM Artistry serious and I want others to as well

2) Saving money - alotting a specific amount per pay check - say $40/month?

3) investing money - a set amount per month (say $20) to start

4) continuing to invest in myself: health and education. I will continue on my path for ultimate health and I want to continue to grow as a person, woman, mother mentally.

5) figure out a way to become a licensed esthetician before the end of the year (ended up discovering a couple months later I actually wanted to be a Nurse/Nurse Practitioner) 

6) work on being more patient with Liam and trying not to get burned out

7) move out of my parents house (again lol)
8) formulate and execute a concrete plan to leave KY and go to where ever else Liam and I are headed in our lives (again!) 

9) continue to pursue a career in plus size modeling (more shoots, model development as much as I can) 

10) be debt free (with the exception of student loans) "

Looking back I accomplished 60% of my goals from last year! I think that's great! :) I'm proud of myself. I hope you all did something this year to make yourselves proud. All the people I know REALLY put in work this year and I think that is amazing! I will be working on my vision board tonight as me and Liam bring in our new year pretty low key. 

2013 for me:

1) save and invest $ (myself and Liam)

2) get HRSA scholarship

3) maintain 3.0 + GPA

4) finish CNA course and get hired at a hospital

5) continue to shoot, work on branding myself and be published as a plus size model and be agency-signed in a national publication (website, comp cards and new business cards)

6) continue to work on being a great Mom and nurturing Liam academically, mentally, physically and spiritually. Continue to grow as a Mom 

7) lose these last 50-ish lb - Size 16 here I come!!!

8) get certified as and work as a group fitness trainer

9) get accepted into and finally begin Nursing program/clinicals

10) take time to smell the flowers

11) walk in fashion shows

12) go out and socialize more

13) decorate my apartment to my taste

14) contemplate and seriously consider a move out of KY (if I feel it is the right fit for me and Liam)

15) inspire, encourage, ignite the fire in others

16) be a better friend

17) be a better Me! 
18) continue to decide if home school is the right decision for me and Liam
19)  develop this blog (make it official with new design and revamp...finally! lol) 

Merry Christmas 2012

Liam and I wish a happy, amazing and loving Christmas to you and yours! Will do a post a little later about some of the Xmas goodies we got :)

He would NOT stop playing with this damn box! lol That was his face when he saw nothing was in there !!! :p

Sweet face!

He makes me so happy

He was trying to run away! lol

He was saying something to me :)

I like this one

Until again,

Cicely

End of Semester

Hey guys!

I'm tired as hell lol. That has been the story of my life lately. It looks like I will be ending the semester with 2 Bs and a grade that is NOT a B! I'm waaaay too embarrassed to even share that grade with you guys, but just know that I will be taking Physiology over in the Spring and I WILL get a B in it.

I know where I am falling short: simply not having enough time to study. But what can you do? I worked my entire way through my B.A. and it looks like I will have to work my way through my ADN/BSN/MSN as well. It's not working I mind so much, it's getting up in the middle of the night, making time for Liam and making time to do what I need/have and rarely want to do. I'm always tired and seem to always be running around like a crazy person.

The only thing that motivates me is that there is a very bright light at the end of this winding tunnel. I will be a Nurse Practitioner! A licensed medical professional with the capability to help, heal and treat people. I am claiming that by my 30th birthday in 2018 I will be an NP or at least in my last semester of an MSN program. I'm saving my DNP - Doctorate of Nursing Practice (currently the terminal degree in Nursing practice) for around age 35/36. I know I will be a good Nurse :).

In other news, Liam and I are going to get some holiday pictures done and you know I will post them! His face just brings me so much joy. That's a feeling I hope never changes. I want to be able to look at him in 20 years,40 years and 60 years and still feel this same warmth and joy and pride.

16 days 'til Xmas...saay whaaaat? Can't believe this year is really coming to a close. I need to get back on my weight loss journey hardcore. This semester derailed me a bit, but I'm ready to be on it. I want to lose 40 lb between now and June. I'd like to have the final 30-40 lb gone by this time next year.

Hope all you guys have been well! :) Look for a YT video coming soon.

Until again.
Cicely

Mama's 2013 Goals

photo credit: Sarah Kranz

One month from today will be January 1, 2013. The start of a new year and the beginning of great things for Liam and I. I can feel it in my bones. Things will be amazing, life changing and confirming will happen for me in the year 2013. For now here is a small compilation of personal, family and other goals that I have (not in order and I'm sure I will add more):

1) Walk in FFFWeek 2013 in NYC

2) Get ACE certified as a group fitness instructor

3) Lose these last 50-60 lb  (size 16 here I come) 

4) get my CNA certification 

5) get signed by an agency

6) work on Liam's speech by integrating speech exercises at home

7) decorate our apartment! 

8) get the HRSA scholarship for Nursing

9) begin making larger payments on student loans

10) make sure to schedule time to do things with Liam EVERY week

11) shoot every 2 months

12) update my shoe collection (which is slim)

13) get Liam fully potty trained
14) fix and solidify Liam's nighttime routine
15) save $
16) learn to be conversational in a 3rd language
17) learn to do more with my natural hair
18) finally learn to sew - begin working on some designs (for myself)

19) get into and finally begin the clinical phase of Nursing degree (Fall 2013)
20) complete and keep my goal of working out 5 days/week (beginning in January)
21) get Liam involved in some sort of physical activity
22) travel a little (other than to NYC lol)
23) find a new church home
24) get more regular about posting YT videos
25) begin working as a CNA
26) Walk in Tropical Divas fashion show
27) walk in Curves Rock Fash Weekend
28) be shot for Eddy and Bri website
29) have no Cs in the Spring semester