The Visit -Destroying a Toddler's Life Near You

Ok so that was a slight hyperbole, but I'm really f**ked up about Poopie's visit now. The past couple of nights I have had trouble staying asleep. Yesterday I stuffed my face when I was supposed to be doing a cleanse and I can NOT stop thinking about it. I just think it will be so detrimental to him under the circumstances it is happening. Just 'cuz I don't feel like back linking (yeah, yeah I'm lazy I know). A brief summary of the current absentee father: he has not called, spoken to or seen Liam since Thanksgiving and that was only an overnight visit. He has not even made an attempt at contact with him and this visit is supposed to last a week. I don't even know how to tell Liam about this visit. He doesn't recognize his father as "dad", I just feel so helpless. I might fall all the way the hell apart behind this!

I just can't fathom what court in the U.S.of A would do that to a child? He is 2.5 years old and you are forcing him to spend time with people he hasn't seen or heard from in 5 months....I can't stand it. I'm torn up. I may not eat for the entire week. The only upside to that is I might lose some weight, but I digress. I know that when we go to pick up Liam, his separation anxiety issues will be worse than they were last time. He is very particular and sensitive to people leaving him. To make matters worse.We have to meet with the evaluator from court in the middle of the week pick up Liam to do so. It's gonna destroy me again knowing I can't keep him with me and he has to return to them. 


Some people may read this and think I am selfish and trying to keep his other family away. Those who know me and this situation know that it is NOT the case. I don't want my son around anyone who is going to treat him second rate. My son deserves love, attention and appreciation in all forms. These people are not equipped to give my son what he needs at all. On top of everything else, his father owes us $1500 in child support arrears. This trip is going to cost me a total of about $1000 (gas, place to stay, metrocard and food), I had to use my tax return money and work EVERY weekend in March to be able to afford this and I'm still going to be broke.When we get home after the trip, I will barely have enough money for gas to last me til my next pay day. I just can't understand how someone could be so selfish and irresponsible and play with my son. My son's life and wellbeing are not games. He is a person, a human, a little boy. He is my son.

I really can't even type about this right now. This is one of my worst nightmare's come true and there is nothing I can do to get out of it! I'm going to have to do a LOT of praying on this one.

Any advice? What would you do.....?

Nini in Purple -Mama the MUA at work

A friend stopped by yesterday while I was in Sephora. Here's her "beating" :)

Self LOVE!

I had to write this post just to say I love myself! It is so easy to get caught up being a mom, friend, sister, daughter and all the other roles that must be played daily to remember that you are a WOMAN sometimes. Things I hated about my body 10 years ago, I now appreciate and embrace. I am confident, I know my self worth and hell, if I could marry me, I probably would hahaha (just kidding).

I am not perfect and I don't want to be, but my imperfections work for me and not against me!

It's not just the new clothes, having my hair done, new shoes, there is something internal in my that has been reignited. That same passion for life I once had as a teen and in my earliest twenties has returned and is now better than ever.

I am a mother to a beautiful toddler who I love more than anything!
I LOVE to blog. I express myself and my passions almost daily and people actually care about it! lol :)
I love my jobs. - All 10,000 of them hahaha
I love who I am becoming in my life and in myself.
I am comfortable with my imperfections and live to improve daily.
I am a being capable of loving and deserving of love unconditional.
I am assertive and strong.
I am taking what I want and kicking ass.
I am physically strong. My 200 lb + frame does TRX, Yoga, Cycling, I can run miles dammit!!! :)
I demand things from a potential mate and I'm not shy about expressing how I feel.
I am woman, hear me ROAAAAARRRR! ;)

I a Bad Mama Jamma! I'm a bad ass. I'm cool. I'm great! I'm a "curvy goddess"! :)

I am ME. Cicely. Betta act like you know!

Mean in My Blue & Green

makeup

view 1

view 2

view 3

3/4 view

last one

Shirt: mom's drawer lol

Pants: mom's closet

shoes: Nine West (sale purchase)

Talbot's Outlet and Goodwill Mini Haul

 this is my first purchase from Asos Curve. The classic black skirt in jersey material and midi length. Makes my gams looks GREAT! I wasn't sure how their sizing was so I ordered a 22 and I now wear a 20. It is enormous in the waist and fitted in the butt and hips but I like it and am gonna get it taken in. 

 the back of  my $11 dress from Talbot's Outlet.There is a deep rectangle cut out! Paired it with my new beige Nine West wedges <3

 this is the front of the dress paired with a coral belt (Talbot's) and white shoes(Baker's)

 front view of the dress plain

paired with tan belt from Talbot's and shoes

amazing skirt I got from the Misses department at Macy's! from their Bar III line :) 

another view. it looks plain here but the material is a very light polyester and very flowy and fem

 OOTD March28, 2012; shirt from the Goodwill, pants from my mom's closet and shoes a previous Nine West purchase

 thrifted from Goodwill. I will be getting the sleeves cut off the shirt and the skirt taken in a little bit,

another Goodwill find. This is a 14/16I'm guessing b/c it had no tag.I'm thinking about having a tailor add color blocking.

The Requisites

Today has been an interesting day, I have been thinking about a lot about my romantic life (not nearly as active as I'd like) and discussing with a couple of friends different aspects of my life. Do I want to get married? Is that REALLY a possibility in my future? If I met the "right"guy, would I know it and how would I react?


I'm going to layout the things I want/require in a man. If he exists/existed, this is what he would be like: (not in order)

1) intelligent (I prefer some college education - at least a year- and beyond)

2) charming (romantic,a good flirt)

3) health conscious (works out, eats healthy most of the time; I woud like for this to be something we enjoy together and as a family unit w/ Liam)

4) relationship-ready (no baggage, no hangups, ready to love and be loved)

5) prepared to be a father FIGURE (not a replacement father to my son, but someone who is willing to help me raise and mentor him. Help him develop into a good man)

6)  at least 6 years older than me(no more than 20 years my senior though)

7) gainfully employed (I mean he is not still wondering and contemplating where to begin his career. He is already established in his field(s)and seeks only to further educate himself not b/c he just figured out what he wanted to do but b/c he is seeking enrichment)

8) treats me like a Queen and an equal(I want to be respected, cherished, loved, pampered to an extent, yet treated like a partner and not someone beneath him)

9) responsible and serious about the future (this can take on many forms, but I do mean financially stable, retirement/investments, possible property owner) Please just know what a retirement fund is and know the importance of saving $.

10) has some type of religious faith and/or spirituality

11) 2 kids or less (and that's only if they are from the same woman/marriage and even then, it could still be a deal breaker depending on the details of your situation)

So idk...that's just my take on things...What about you guys out there?Do you have the "List"or do you just play it by ear? Let me know :)

Single Mama vs. Divorced Dad & Single Guy

I have been reading through some new blogs and thinking a lot about the dating process. I have been thinking about my place as a Mom, a woman and a single woman/single mom. One interesting thing that came up is the transition from single and alone mom to single and dating mom. Eventually (years from now) will I become The Married Momtrepeneur? lol I still think that no matter my relationship status I may always on some level operate as a single mom. But THAT is just a random thought.Now on to the meat and potatoes of this post:

I have a couple of like interests (because love is entirely too strong of a word). The DD (divorced dad) is currently the strongest contender. I really like this guy. He is witty, educated, has good conversation, has piercing blue eyes, was previously a photographer whose current job is working on planes. He is the father of 2 biracial children and seems to be a good dad. He is 19 years my senior (turning 43 in April) and claims to be"smitten" with me. His words, not mine. He is a total silver fox and definitely my type. But he is on the end of a divorce and I really don't know where things could or would go. Actually, I will be straight up, the only thing I think that can come out of this is a rebound on his part. It seems to be much easier for men to come out of a divorce and begin actively dating than for a woman. Not that I can even blame him, that is the situation and that's life. I'm 100% sure that a divorce, custody proceedings and the financial strain puts anyone in a bad, needy, emotional space. I understand where he is coming from in that aspect. So what can I do? Keep my guard up...as usual. See where things go but keep my expectations low and my guards high. But no matter what, I know my worth.

Frankly, I am truly tired of having to guard myself against everyone and everything. I am mentally ready for a REAL, strong, healthy, long lasting relationship and have finally (mostly healed) from the debacle that was 2.5 years of my life with Liam's father. Why is it so hard to find a quality man? I know I have a lot to offer the right person. I know with the right person by my side, I can continue to develop and flourish as a woman/person. I know that I can be a great girlfriend/significant other/wife. Thus far, I have not been in the right relationship with the right man to let my true, giving self shine through. 

Let's move on to the second guy, SG (single guy). He is a very nice guy.I feel like he is the type of person that has truly learned from his past negative experiences.We have talked about lots of deep things and have really gotten to know each other pretty well.He is not the best looking guy but he makes up for that by being a seemingly good person. He seems mature, wants to one day be married or at least in a serious, long term relationships. He currently has no kids, but would like to in the future (yeah I'm still on the fence about the another kid thing, just not sure if it is my cup of tea. It would have to be at least 7-10 years from now) Problem is I like him, but I'm not into him.I don't like him like THAT. The other problem is that he is into ME like that and I really don't know what to do. He is a sensitive guy and I think that me telling him that things won't work out between us won't go so well. I would like to still talk to him occasionally, just not romantically maybe. The way I feel about it is that he may think I am leading him on, which I honestly didn't intend to do. I do like him and have told him that, but I never said I was ready to jump into a relationship with him. Especially because this relationship would be long distance. I just don't have the same type of feelings I think that he has for me and I'm not sure how that is going to work out. How the hell do I get myself into these situations? *sigh* 

Cicely WLJ Week 31

"Heavy",Good News

Ok so that was admittedly a terribly joke...but I did chuckle to myself lol. Don't judge me! ;) I weighed in yesterday at 293, this morning I weighed in at 291.4....needless to say I am going with 291.4 as my final weight haha! If I go by that number, I have lost 1.6 lbs since last week. I'm proud of myself and this week have some very specific goals to accomplish. I am a little under 2 weeks until I head to NYC for "The Visit" - yeah sounds like a horror movie lol. I have two dates lined up, a host of friends to see and of course the visit to the psychologist with Liam to get this court stuff finished.

My personal WLJ goal was to be 285 by the time I get back to NYC April 6. Idk how that is going to go but I'm really going to try for that goal.

Here's what my week is looking like in terms of fitness:

Mon - Get Fit Club
Tues - TRX
Wed - GFC
Fri - TRX

So I know I am at least working out 4x this week. Then I decided to reduce my caloric intake again and go down to 1660. That means I will have to get more creative about the way I choose what I'm eating and of course need to stay on top of my water intake. I'm so very happy with finally breaking 293!

Another small triumph I had was being able to buy from the Misses department in Macy's. I'm sure that I'm a solid size 20 (bottoms) now and an 18/20 in tops. On a whim, I tried on this beautiful color blocked skirt from the Bar III line at Macy's and fell in love. They day I wear it, I will do an outfit of the day post. I also copped this HOT jersey midi skirt from ASOS Curve and again I'm in love. It is a body-con type of fit and it makes my curves look GOOD :). I need some accessories and cute blouses to pair with these two pieces and I'm date night ready.

I'm also thinking about changing my weigh-in day one last time to Sundays. That is the true beginning of the week and seems to make more sense. I might actually be able to stay on top of my video making for my WLJ if I do that ;).

Nursing +Fitness = Certified Fitness Nurse

From the beginning when I became interested in Nursing school, I knew where my areas of interests would be: Bariatric surgery, plastic surgery and/or nutrition. I may have found a way to combine my love of helping people, my new enthusiasm for fitness and my soon to be new career in Nursing.

I can become a R.N. AND a personal trainer. This will be at least 1-2 years down the line b/c a) i need to get to my goal weight b) i need to become ACE certified and c) I need to become an RN. The idea of this truly makes me happy. I realize I will be working for the rest of my life haha! Not because of money issues, but because working and being engaged with people truly makes me happy. I can still advance to becoming a NP and that will give me even MORE opportunities in my career.

This is so exciting. A year ago, I never would have imagined me concocting all these things. Now, I see things much clearly. I can still work for myself, work PT in a couple of other settings, but have the flexibility I see to vacation and spend time with Liam! :) Wow! :) So I know that in some realms of Nursing there are job shortages, but for someone like me, no matter what job I'm doing I always find a way for it to work for me.