Last days of 2013

Hey guys! 

It has been a couple of weeks and some interesting things have happened. John and I had our first major disagreement and didn't really talk for a couple of days, but we sorted it out and now things are better than ever. He is truly a great man and he really makes me feel warm and fuzzy. He is genuine, loving, caring and intelligent. He puts my comfort and feelings in front of his own and he is selfless. 

In other great news...I have been hired by MAC Cosmetics as a freelancer! I wish it had been PT Artist position, but if this is what's in the cards for now, I will surely take it. I feel so humble and so blessed to even have the opportunity. I have left the hospital behind and will now be focusing on freelancing, this blog, developing my makeup biz, modeling and passing my first semester of nursing school. No small order, but something I'm ready for. 

My WLJ will resume starting Monday and I am just looking forward to get back in better shape and FINALLY reaching my goal weight. I see so many good things happening starting now and continuing into 2014 and beyond. I am so blessed to have my health, my son and my family, amazing friends and a great man by my side! If I don't get a chance to write again, Happy New Year's!!!!

Until again,

Cicely

"You're the Ketchup to My Fries"

image courtesy of pinterest.com

It has been a while since I've had the ability to simply sit down and write, but boy is it on time now! :) I am one final away from this loong, looooong semester ending and my grades will be A,B,B. I am now going to study for my Dosage Calculation test which I have to take January 8. I'm also awaiting news on my clinical since by the time all of my documents were turned in to the Nursing department, EVERY good clinical spot/location was taken. 

My time at the hospital will probably be coming to an end. I gave my 2 weeks notice, but there is an opportunity for me to possibly take a position in the same office my mom works in, but we'll see how that goes. Otherwise, I will still be at Benefit and now working at Lane Bryant as well. I had an interview with MAC for the Fayette Mall store about a week ago and that would be a dream. So fingers are still crossed on that! 

Liam is great! I am working towards getting an official, medical diagnosis for Autism so that we can get ALL the services he needs. I'm applying for any help I can because one of the most effective therapies for him (called ABA) might have to come out of pocket. Out of pocket really means waaaay more than I can afford, but for now there is an option of free, outpatient Parent/Child Interaction Training (PCIT). I have to call the psychologist and try to schedule our first appointment ASAP.

Things with modeling these days are dormant. I won't be shooting til around February/March. There is just so much going on in general. But you guys know me and my mind is still churning. Making it a point to get to NYC for FFFW '14. Hoping to meet up with Liesl, see my friends and shoot a couple of times while there! :)

Down with the swirl hahaha :)

And now for the moment you've all been waiting for...as of December 6 I'm in a relationship with a great man. I hadn't mentioned him on the blog, but we have known each other for a little bit. I like him so much...I even put it on Facebook (which I have never done). His name is John and he makes me so incredibly happy. From the start, we've had an instant connection. And would y'all believe he's from Kentucky? lol We have such a strong connection in such a little bit of time that I'm so surprised by it and by him. I've honestly never met a man who was with me on the same level emotionally, maturity wise and also wanted the same things as me. I told him about Liam and the Autism situation and he still wants to be around. NOT that it should have changed his mind, but dealing with a child with developmental delays can be super stressful. 

He's divorced and has 2 beautiful little girls. He supports my modeling, he tells me how beautiful I am every day, he loves me just the way I am (you know even those things that us girls agonize about). He is kind. He's my friend as well as my boyfriend. I truly enjoy his company. I want him to meet my parents (:-O lol this NEVER happens). There is something so different about what we have. I feel like we're a team. I know it sounds crazy, but THIS is what I've been waiting 25 years for! He is all the things I want in a man: hardworking, honest, intelligent, good looking (at least I think so ;)) emotionally mature, employed (lol yes it's on there), caring, loving and a great dad. On top of those things, he adores me and accepts me for how I am as well (including stubborn and sometimes cranky like when I'm tired). He really cares about how I feel. He makes an effort to be sure I know this and I know how often he thinks about me. I've cried in front of him (no, he didn't make me cry).

 I was always thinking in the back of my mind that I would never find anyone like him and I won't lie, it is slightly terrifying. I don't want to mess this up. What if I'm wrong? What if he messes up? Am I ready for that kind of disappointment again? But this is a chance I have to take. I'd rather risk it and find true love than let fear run me away from one of the best things that could possibly happen to me...Me and John? I can see us hanging tough for the long haul. I mean the long, long haul...dare I say marriage? Like the title of the blog...he's the ketchup to my fries and I'm not letting him go anytime soon :). 

New Job, Nursing School and End of the Semester

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I have made the decision to quit working at the hospital. Mainly because I hate it lol and it is entirely too stressful to be the type of job it is! My hours fluctuate so much and no time in the near future will there be a chance for a steady PT position (which would consist of two 12 hr days on the weekend), so I just don't think it's worth it anymore. I tried it out, it didn't work and now I can move on. So I'll keep my freelance job at Benefit cosmetics and will now be working PT at Lane Bryant. It's a definite pay cut, but I told them upfront that while I am available 4 days per week, I will NOT be working more than 2. My Nursing class alone will be 14 hours of lab, clinical and lecture. Each component has it's own set of homework. I'm taking an MMA phys ed class just so I can be right at 9 credits for my loan. I know all too well from personal experience that when I work alot my grades suffer tremendously. I can NOT afford to fail out of Nursing school or have to retake classes. I can't and I won't.

I'm basically going to be working to put gas in my car (to work and school) and pay the bare minimum bills. It makes me sad that I won't really have any "extra" money. This will limit activities that me and Liam do and may even cut down on my gym time which Lawd knows I need. It means no more Asos/Forever 21 mini-sprees and REALLY tightening up on my budget and oh yeah, actually making one and sticking to it. The only other good thing about this is rent will remain low, I will qualify for child care assistance again and possibly Medicaid again (even though I'm on Mom's insurance...it's still too much for me to afford for dental work).

Things will get better I know this, but January will be a rough month. Less income and major adjustment. I also still have to buy my scrubs and some other Nursing supplies to be ready for my first day January 14. Mom has loaned me one of her stethoscopes to use until I can afford to buy my own (tax time baby! lol). I'm going to need some new pens, a new planner and a watch (non digital). Orientation is January 8 and early next week I'm going to turn in all my req vaccine info and my $43 background check so that I can FINALLY register for my NUR 114 class! 

Finally, I have 2 final exams and 2 papers left and the semester is over!!! December 11 is the final day for my last paper and I can't wait. This hasn't been a terrible semester, but I sure am glad it's over! My Thanksgiving won't be too eventful because I opted to work at the hospital due to the time and a half. (Whoccould pass that up?!) More updates to follow. 

Until again,

Cicely

Struggle: The Movement

image from http://shaneescommitment.blogspot.com/2012/06/virtue-lies-in-struggle.html

A lot of times (and a lot these days especially) I'm not always 100% sure about things. I've had enough people tell me that I inspire them and it FEELS good. It feels like I am actually making a contribution to this world, that I am not just some mass taking up precious space and Oxygen on this Earth. Even though Liam has not been officially diagnosed by a medical professional with Autism...I'm pretty sure he does have it. From the ADOS and ADIR tests at school and about a year of compiling observations and trying different strategies with him...I can at least confirm that the signs of a high functioning autistic child are there.

But I will not let this/these things define him. Above all else he is Liam, my first born and only child and an amazing little specimen of a human. I am now confronted with the task of getting him the help he needs and the therapy/help/support we need as a family to thrive. I have accepted that and I am ok with it. I just want him to be the best Liam he can be. I am the mother of an awesome, intelligent handsome little boy who happens to have Autism.

Then there are days like I have had lately where I feel myself becoming sad, disillusioned, unsure of the next step. Days when I'm just here...not actually present in the things I am doing, but simply floating. I am now tipping the scales with a 30 lb weight gain (yes of the 50 I lost). I have all these amazing plans to help and change the world, to be there for those who need it...How can I do these things when my life sometimes is on the verge of spiraling out of control? When sometimes I eat just to feel better, because it is one of few things I can control? How can I inspire someone to be better when I'm not even being the best version of myself. It's a strange place to be...

I don't define myself by my weight/size, but I do recognize when things are not on track. Whenever something seriously stresses me out, I pack on the pounds. This is not good for my physical or mental well being.


In my dreams/my thoughts/my goals/aspirations I see:

Cicely Carter, RN, NP, CPT and Health Coach (registered nurse, nurse practitioner, certified personal trainer)

Today, Sunday November 17 2013 I feel so far removed from that, I'm not sure how I'll ever get there. I usually don't get this deep, but today it was necessary. I feel like I have let my life spiral out of control...starting today I'm going to fight to get it back. I need balance in my life. Fun/work/personal goals/motherhood (i.e. time with Liam) and I just need some sense of peace and some help.

Help to get myself back on track, help to figure out how the hell I'm going to make it through my first semester of Nursing school and help to do everything I can to make sure Liam thrives...

I am putting these thoughts into the atmosphere and being conscious of what is going on in my life.

I'm asking you guys to keep me in your thoughts, good vibes and prayers if that's your thing...I need it today, I need it right now.

Getting it Together

A special salute to all the veterans who served this country and gave life and limb to protect their families and future generations of Americans and also the current men and women who serve and protect or nation's welfare. Hugs and love to all of you.

rando picture of me at work the other day lol

So I'm officially in Nursing school...NOW WHAT?

First things first I have to gather all my records of immunization and make sure I'm fully vaccinated before I can register for NUR 114. I'm only missing my Varicella (chickenpox) and then I can register. Then, I will need a stethoscope, burgundy scrubs and white shoes to complete my Nursing ensemble and an overcoat to complete my new Nurse student look. I will have to pay for my background check and then buy my dosage calculation book to get ready to take my first Dosage calc test the 2nd week of January.

Some things to think about:

Work is going to have to go down to NO MORE than 24 hrs a week. I will be in class 4 days a week; 2 of those days will be full EIGHT hour days. No games are to be played. I can't afford to get Cs or fail out at this point. Not.an.option.

I'm hoping I will qualify again for a childcare subsidy. I can't even afford to pay the $460 a month I pay now....no WAY that can happen with me barely working.

I will need to be looking into local Autism resources to try and get some more support/medical help for Liam.

I have REALLY got to tighten up the reigns and get my finances together...

*sigh* Sometimes being an adult blows lol. I'm very happy and super thankful for all I have been given, but sometimes I really get so tired of the back and forth and the ebb and flow...but I know it will pay off. I have to keep my eyes on the finish line and appreciate the process.

Until again,
Cicely

Cicely Plus Model Takes Seattle!

This year has been a roller coaster to say the least! With just my personal life and family life it was enough. I honestly wasn't 100% sure if I would continue to model anymore, my weight has gotten a bit out of hand, but despite all these things I FINALLY feel (like we all have those moments) that things/my life/my careers/my dreams are coming together. Like this is the beginning of the things I have been waiting for...

I wrote a while back about a collaboration between me and Liesl Binx for her Fall/Winter '13 collection. We "met" on Twitter, began communicating, graduated to Facebook, Instagram and the phone and now I'm here in Seattle and we have shot the first set for her line!!!! I met her amazing immediate family consisting of her mom, stepdad and awesome/gorgeous sister! I felt so welcome the entire time. This was truly a match made in fashion heaven.  It still seems like it's not happening lol. Here are some sneak peaks:

I will do another more complete post later,but this is what I have on hand for today! :)

Acceptance Letter

It's official...I'm accepted into the Nursing program at EKU! I was on edge for the past couple of weeks...I wasn't sure I would get in! I thought the 2 Cs in Anatomy and Physio would have done me in, but there IS a God and by some unknown miracle. I'm IN!

I have orientation January 8 and classes start the next week. I'll be taking Nursing 114. I'm sooo excited! Now I have to get all my immunization records together, pay for a background check, pay for liability insurance, buy wine colored scrubs and get my stethoscope! :) Finally, all this hard work I've been putting in since May 2012 is paying off. On this track I will  finish school December 2015 and be awarded my Associate Degree in Nursing. From there, the plan is still to go to grad school and become a Nurse Practitioner.

"When It All,it all Falls Down"

When it rains it certainly pours. I know that when things are bad they won't be bad forever. Let's get the negative news out of the way first:

1) Stemming from Dad's toe amputation 2 weeks ago an infection developed. When he went to doc to check in on said infection it turned out to be MDRO (multi drug resistant organism) called ecinobacter and he was kept. Next day turns out on top of Diabates,peripheral vascular disease, Dad also had clogged arteries in the heart. Yesterday afternoon open heart surgery was performed. He is currently in Cardiac ICU and doing well....the road to recovery will be a long one

2) I went from a low A to a D in one of my online classes because my simple ass forgot to take the midterm! I honestly thought I had more time than I actually did. Professor said NO to late midterms...FML! Now I have to bust my ass JUST to get a B.

3) I have now gained a total of 26 lb and I'm fed up! I've got to start TODAY getting my life and WLJ back on track. I feel like I'm losing control! :/

Now on to some good things:

1) Liam turned 4 Oct 16! Despite Dad being in the hospital he had a great day.

2) I booked my flight to Sea-Tac aka Seattle Washington! I will be shooting with Liesl Binx for the debut of her Fall line. I'm so fortunate and blessed for this opportunity.

3) I'm working more hours = more $

4) This semester is ALMOST over

5) I completed a boudoir shoot 3 weeks ago and the results are awesome!

Don't feel bad for me guys, just please keep Dad in your thoughts and prayers and send some light our way! Thanks so much.

Until again
Cicely

In the Trenches

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I have really been through the emotional ringer lately. There has been so much and I do mean sooooo much going on in my life. I finally complete all the diagnostic testing for Autism for Liam. I'm about 80% sure the results will come back that he is on the Autistic spectrum and that is not what even bothers me. What stresses me out is the fact that I can't be around enough to provide him a stable routine that would be ideal for a kid dealing with as much as he is. My work hours are all over the place and almost every time they call me into work...I go not because I want to, but because I know I need the money.This involves working 2nd shift, 3 shift and 12 hour days sometimes. It involved being so exhausted that all I want to do is sleep. It involves feeling like shit emotionally and physically due to the schedule wreaking havoc on my body and the fact that I'm away from my child so much.

Then, comes the frustrations of working all the time and still never really having money. My car needs breaks, Since August I have been paying 4x the price because I "make too much $" to qualify for child care assistance. My rent has also gone up and I honestly feel like I am only making enough to keep simply my nose out of the water to make a few labored breaths. How can someone with a 4 yr college degree and a year of college credits after possibly be THIS broke? It is depressing and so, so frustrating. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Modeling - I have a pending trip to Seattle that I don't even know HOW I'm going to make happen. I looked at this trip as an opportunity to finally take my modeling career up a notch, but I see that dream blowing away in the wind as I type.

Health - I've now gained bout 25 lbs of the weight I lost! I am sickened and saddened by it. I feel like crap and my release has been to stuff my face with food (picture of health I know). I am just so disappointed in myself. Starting tomorrow I have to go back to the gym. My schedule is so sporadic that I honestly plan to go to the gym and sometimes can't because when I work in the day I have to get Liam to school and pick him up from daycare.I have to, have to get some stability in my life or I'm going to see the same # on the scale where I started 2 years ago. I can't let that happen to me again.

I do feel better addressing these issues and fleshing them out on paper (well on screen). But I am just feeling a little helpless right now and that's a feeling that in not welcome for me.I am trying to be positive because Iknow things will get better, but if it doesn't happen soon. I'm not sure how much more I have left (not suicidal, but it is possible I will have to deal with some depression)

Fall - 3rd Year Blogversary

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I'm sooo terrible with blogging these days and for that I apologize. I seem to have the lack of "ganas" (desire) to do so and when I have coveted extra time, I usually doing homework, spending time with Liam or simply trying to gain some extra sleep. This month marks my 3rd year as a blogger! I can't believe the evolutions both this blog and my life have had since 2010. I am overall in a much better place and am raising a child who will soon be 4 years old!!! Where does time go?

I wrapped up an amazing shoot with Photography and Design by Lauren 3 weeks ago in August and you can see the newest additions to my modeling portfolio here: Cicely Carter Official Modeling Page or here Cicely Plus Model Facebook . I'm so proud of my work and how my portfolio has grown.

Liam is doing well in preschool and speech therapy. We are having him tested for Autism and honestly what I care about is that we get a diagnosis and can get him the help he needs to continue the thrive and excel in school and life.

Dating - y'all already know that story! lol

School - I applied for the Nursing program at EKU and am awaiting that response. I am applying to one other school and hoping and praying that I get in somewhere for the Spring semester for clinicals.

Work - I'm still at the hospital doing registration PRN and picking up all the hours I can. I have applied for numerous Nurse Aide/Tech positions specifically for overnights so that I can work 3 12 hour days and spend more time with Liam. Jesus be a FT overnight position with benefits so I can finally gain some financial stability in my life.

So sorry for the delay, but I'm back and trying to get back to regular and meaningful blog programming :).

Until again,
Cicely