In the Trenches

http://rebloggy.com/post/depression-depression-quotes/31751357155

I have really been through the emotional ringer lately. There has been so much and I do mean sooooo much going on in my life. I finally complete all the diagnostic testing for Autism for Liam. I'm about 80% sure the results will come back that he is on the Autistic spectrum and that is not what even bothers me. What stresses me out is the fact that I can't be around enough to provide him a stable routine that would be ideal for a kid dealing with as much as he is. My work hours are all over the place and almost every time they call me into work...I go not because I want to, but because I know I need the money.This involves working 2nd shift, 3 shift and 12 hour days sometimes. It involved being so exhausted that all I want to do is sleep. It involves feeling like shit emotionally and physically due to the schedule wreaking havoc on my body and the fact that I'm away from my child so much.

Then, comes the frustrations of working all the time and still never really having money. My car needs breaks, Since August I have been paying 4x the price because I "make too much $" to qualify for child care assistance. My rent has also gone up and I honestly feel like I am only making enough to keep simply my nose out of the water to make a few labored breaths. How can someone with a 4 yr college degree and a year of college credits after possibly be THIS broke? It is depressing and so, so frustrating. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Modeling - I have a pending trip to Seattle that I don't even know HOW I'm going to make happen. I looked at this trip as an opportunity to finally take my modeling career up a notch, but I see that dream blowing away in the wind as I type.

Health - I've now gained bout 25 lbs of the weight I lost! I am sickened and saddened by it. I feel like crap and my release has been to stuff my face with food (picture of health I know). I am just so disappointed in myself. Starting tomorrow I have to go back to the gym. My schedule is so sporadic that I honestly plan to go to the gym and sometimes can't because when I work in the day I have to get Liam to school and pick him up from daycare.I have to, have to get some stability in my life or I'm going to see the same # on the scale where I started 2 years ago. I can't let that happen to me again.

I do feel better addressing these issues and fleshing them out on paper (well on screen). But I am just feeling a little helpless right now and that's a feeling that in not welcome for me.I am trying to be positive because Iknow things will get better, but if it doesn't happen soon. I'm not sure how much more I have left (not suicidal, but it is possible I will have to deal with some depression)