Beauty Break: Mini Budget Roundup

Right now I'm REALLY feeling the following things:

New York Color Brow & liner pencil duo in dark brown #902 - this little duo (@ Walamart) goes for $1.99 and is now my go-to brow pencil :) happy brows + happy face = happy me! :) I of course only get the brown. Never have tried it as a liner though. It is actually pretty small!


The 3 Colors that have carried me through the last couple of weeks/months of 2011:

Maybelline Colorsensational #845 Nude Glow - apart of their Pearls collection, very shimmer & bronzey. I think this would be great in the Summer as well. Has been my go-to for the past couple of weeks. At Walmart it was around $7

Maybelline Colorsensational #465 Madison Mauve - another AMAZE color. This is a very nice medium purple shade. I pair this with my  MAC lipliner in Magenta. Looks tres magnifique!

Rimmel Lipcolour Mositure Renew #380 Vintage Pink Spf 18 - very light, Spring, mauve kind of color and I'm in love! This would work best for those with cool undertones as it is VERY blue. :) You can pick this up at Walmart or drugstore chains for about $6-7. Cheaper if there is 50% BOGO or clearance going on. I am pictured wearing said color below:

Adios 2011

In the past, I was one to make New Year's resolutions which mostly of course were dissolved within weeks or months of that new year starting. This year is different because my goals going into 2011 will be the same they have been for the past few months & I have already laid the foundation for these goals to come to fruition in 2012!!! They are not resolutions they are life changes in the right direction:

1) getting this compnay on it's feet and geared towards success. I want to take LIAM Artistry serious and I want others to as well

2) Saving money - alotting a specific amount per pay check - say $40/month?

3) investing money - a set amount per month (say $20) to start

4) continuing to invest in myself: health and education. I will continue on my path for ultimate health and I want to continue to grow as a person, woman, mother mentally.

5) figure out a way to become a licensed esthetician before the end of the year

6) work on being more patient with Liam and trying not to get burned out

7) move out of my parents house (again lol)

8) formulate and execute a concrete plan to leave KY and go to where ever else Liam and I are headed in our lives (again!)

9) continue to pursue a career in plus size modeling (more shoots, model development as much as I can)

10) be debt free (with the exception of student loans)

So what about you? Let's not even call them resolutions but what are some things that you are comitted to changing in your life? What will it mean for your life and how do you plan to get there?

Book Review: Black in Latin America by Henry Louis Gates, Jr

This book was awesome and so very enlightening. This is also apart of a documentary series that Gates, Jr. made as well. This study in Latin American culture examines the African remanants/sometimes well hidden communities of Mexico, Peru, DR, Cuba, Hati and Brazil. He seamlessly flows from one country to another including his own thoughts, parralells to race relations in the US and also leaves each area with a newfound respect for the black struggle there and most importantly leaves you with something to think about at each turn.

Gates, Jr meets with notable scholars from each country as well as local townspeople to find out what "being black" means in a particular country, to a particular person and in that particular society. As an African American, Latino or Blacktino, you will never be able to view the ideas of blackess quite the same. I truly am a fan of this book as the underrepresented and little heard of black communities in the Spanish caribbean/south american continent have always interested me. This book made me want to embark on the same type of cultural journey and look at it from an artistic point of view. All of the blacks of these societies have infiltrated their respective countries through song, dance, art, writing and performance. In many cases, this is the only way the African influence/prescence is even recognized. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book and recommend it to anyone interested in social and/or Pan-african/ Latino issues.

#random: Straight Hair, Don't Care

Decided to share with you guys the first time I have straightened my naturally kinky curls in about 8 months! Finally got some length, shine and body! :)

side view 

back view

" 'Cuz We Like to Partay"

Well finally the weekend is here. Me and the Poopster have had an incredible day thus far. No tantrums, no messes and just in general, got to enjoy the company of his sweet lil' face.

This afternoon/evening we are headed out to buy me a new phone (finally!), eat dinner w/ Myia and enjoy a holiday party with a friend I've known since we were 4! :) Needless to say Liam will be making his rounds with the ladies tonight! haha

I am much better than earlier this week and I'm gonna make things happen. No more defeated attitudes...for a while at least lol

I will be posting a few different things this weekend so stay tuned:

Weigh-in: goal was -3lbs, hmmm hope I'm -1 lol
Beauty Break: some new stuff :)
Dating? - it might be that time...
Xmas Cheer (with family photos & all)

Peace & chuleta grease,

Cicely

Passing Me Right On By

I look at some of my friends. There are ones struggling just like me, but doing it. There are ones who have attained success and there are the ones that are almost there. I am still trying my damndest to figure out how to make it, at anything that I am doing and currently the solution to that problem escapes me. I know what I want to do, I just don't know exactly how to do it. I'm feeling kinda lost again. Kentucky is sooooo limited in terms of opportunities. I started applying for jobs in beauty again because that's where the money is and that is TRULY what I want to do.

I'm just discouraged and in this instance my parents are zero help. They keep telling me to wait, wait and more f-in' wait. Weight is what bogged down the wagon as the saying goes. People keep telling me, "oh you're so young, you have time". I'm not that young and I don't have that much time. I have a baby to take care of, my life is no longer my own. I'm almost 2 f-in 4 years old...there is no end in sight. I feel like I have regressed. I'm not achieving anything in my life. My bachelor's degree doesnt mean shit b/c I can't make a career out of it. The jobs I want to work, are not hiring in my area. I can't even afford to move yet because I don't make enough money.

I'm losing steam, patience and my mind during this process. I'm trying to realize my dreams and provide for my son...is this even possible anymore?! Have I dreamed too big, is this where it all ends for me?! Is everything I envisioned just that: a vision? How do I turn this into reality? And I will be thinking about this...

Until again,
Cicely

Blogging w/ a Purpose

I draw inspiration for my blog posts from many places: the news, current happenings in my life, my son, my family, my friends and just whatever else may be out there in the atmosphere. When I began this blog on that fateful day (yeah yeah cliche I know) September 2010, I never anticipated for it to be anything like this! I have gotten really positive and reinforcing feedback and I know that at least for now I can't stop.

That is why for YOUS (yeah alla yous - *in my fake Brooklyn Italian-American accent* lol), I am revamping and going to make this blog better. Awards and all that jazz are great, but the most important thing to me is that my blog is always an honest outlet, an open forum and most importantly that I am helping someone else. Being a mom is a unique experience and being a single mom is one hell of a ride. But through everything, I wouldn't take anything back (ok, I would have chosen a better father for Liam *sigh*).

When I relaunch this blog in a couple of months, I will include the following:
About me (duh!)
The Single Mom (articles, findings, thoughts and opinions that directly affect any single parent or parents in general. I will address the issue of co/absentee parenting and feature things about Liam and his progress and of course pics of me and the kid)
The Aspiring Model (will chronicle the steps on taking towards modeling, agency submissions, contests that I do, pics from photo shoots etc, articles on + size models, opinions etc)
The Entrepeneur - all about my makeup biz and blogging pt - will include classes I take for either business, helpful hints for start ups, "behind the scenes" pics of events/ conferences I attend and more
The Journey: 16 x 25 - will chronicle my weight loss journey to be a fit size 16 by age 25 (about 13.5 months from now).Ideal measurements somewhere in the area of Bust 42.5-44, Waist 35.5-38, Hips 45-48. Will include my weekly weigh in vids, food/fitness info and other health related stuff
The Beauty Break (dedicated to (hair, makeup & fashion): tutorials, products reviews, rants & raves)
The Giveaways - you guessed it! :) All giveaways will be makeup, reading/writing and/or fitness/health related
So I want you guys to know (all 16 of my readers lmao) that I really truly appreciate your comments, your views and your input. I plan to attend a blogging conference next year b/c I want to be better, actually THE BEST blogger that I can be. :)

So you tell me: What can I do to make your reading experience more enjoyable? Let me know honestly. Do you like my lil mini features of Liam? Do you care about what is going on with us?! lol What do you want to see? What should stay? What should go? Now that you're here along this journey with me, I want to keep you guys as interested as possible! lol :)

Year 2, Month 2 - Liam

That devilish grin! <3

This is his "sexy" pose lol

The $ shot! :)

Snapshots: Liam's Xmas Program - December 9, 2011

I love this boy!

Reading of "The Night Before Christmas"

Close up of "King" lol

All the kiddos

Kiddos again

They were singing..except "king" lol

He had had enough! lol

Someone Should Pay "for these kids"?! GTFOHWTBS

http://youtu.be/bavou_SEj1E

This outrages this shit outta me! A direct quote "somebody needs to pay for all my children". Get the f**k outta here with this bullsh!t. It makes me sick to the bottom of my stomach for a variety of reasons:

1) You are a black woman (even though your simple as doesn't realize it) who the world and especially our white counterparts here in America will look at as representative of ALL black women. I am NOTHING like you.

2) You poor, defenseless, helpless and suffering kids. Wtf did they do to deserve this? It's not their fault you couldn't close up shop and get adequate birth control! That shit is FREE! Raising 15 children on the other hand is NOT!!!!!! STOP, just STOP

3) As a single parent, I am not above asking for help especially in hard economic times, but to feel that somebody owes me?! Hell naw! I work, pay taxes and am a contributing member to this country, no one owes me help for not being able to take care of myself or my child, but I damn sure have every right to seek it!

Uggh! I am so frustrated and disillusioned by this! Don't get me wrong, white women do it too...The difference, they are making money from it and it doesn't skew the way people think about white women. As a black woman, woman of color, blacktina, I know that this is something that will be seen as the norm for us. It's just saddening and sickening...What is your take on this?

#endrant

Week 16 WLJ Weigh-in

Finally reached the 4 month mark and instead of celebrating, had a minor setback. check out my vid!

http://youtu.be/JhjzHpdtIDE

This Mommy's got a FB page for Her Blog

Come like my other baby: The Single Momtrepeneur http://www.facebook.com/#!/TheSingleMomtrepeneur

:)

Mommyssori? lol Formerly Known as Cicelyssori

The above mentioned are names that I joked with one of my bosses about in terms of educating Liam for preschool. I have check out several options in the Central KY area and well...needless to say Preschool of any sort is a whole bunch of f#$%in' money. *sigh* Earlier this year I did read some books on at-home montessori/ home school and also found some blogs and did research online.

While I realize home schooling Liam for preschool would require a LOT of effort on my part, I do believe that Mom and Dad can pitch in and that if traditional preschool does not work out because of money constraints, I am more than willing to do it.

I have a basic groundwork/layout in mind already. The room I am currently typing in "the computer room" would become our class room. We would begin school around the same time as Fayete county and I'd make sure we'd have the same breaks. I would only do school with him about 3 hours per day 4-5 days per week and that would leave enough time for me to go to the gym and still work both jobs.

Subjects to be covered:
Art - this is very important to me
Music - equally important
Environmental Science - I just mean we would explore our backyard and parks, take trips to Children's exploratorium etc
Math - for his age basic counting and understanding the concept of 1 ball and 1 ball means 2 balls, etc.
Reading/writing - that would mostly be a focus on alphabet and sounds
World/social studies - which would include themes broken down on a 3/4 year old level

This is a HUGE undertaking! But I think all of us are up to the challenge! I would do progress reports and keep charts of his successes. :)

Mama's on a mission!
Cicely

Full Steam Ahead: This Weekend

There is alot going on with me this weekend. Well, not just for me, but Liam as well! Because my work week at the library is Mon-Thurs, today is my Friday.

Tomorrow, Friday Dec 9 - I have the custody hearing by phone at the courthouse bright and early at 9:30am. This time it will determine whether I have to waste MORE hard earned money traveling to NYC to deal with this bullshit (i.e. court dates for a trial that will last God knows how long). I'm going to be very firm and VERY real with the judge. In so many words I am going to tell her that I can NOT continue to be the ONLY one making these trips. Until Liam's FOTY (father of the year) can prove he can do his end of the bargain, I guess the only visitation they wil have is via phone and Skype. I am sick and tired LITERALLY of dealing with this shit. I barely (and stress on barely make enough money to survive). If it wasn't for the fact we lived with my parents, I wouldnt. I would have to be on welfare to make up for the $ I don't have or take up another 2 jobs. The next visitations that are in place, if his father does not come HERE to pick him up, I'm not doing it. This has got to end.

In brighter new tomorrow, Liam has his first Christmas program through daycare :). It will be @ 6:30pm and all the different age groups in the daycare center will do their own song and dance. I'm happier than a pig in mud about it and will post a vid, but definitely some pictures :).

Saturday, Dec 10- (12-5) I will be working for Smashbox & I have GOT to get my sales up! I mean REALLY. I'm aiming for $500 (goal is $750). So here's *crossing my fingers* that I can reach my goal.

*5-6:30pm - Liam, Mom & Dad are going to a close family friend's house so that he can do an Xmas craft! Yay! :) I love hanging his stuff on the walls and the fridge! Makes me so proud.

*Library Xmas party @ 6:30pm at our manager Ms. Betty's house! It is sure to be a blast. I can't wait! :)

Sunday Dec 11 - Liam and I will be meeting up with a former teacher of mine and her now 8 year old son and giving him his bday gift and the possibly going to see the Southern Lights display.

Can you say busy?!? :)

Until next time
Cicely

Chillin' the F#@k out!

Of course, that wasn't the advice I received, but I need to give my self a dose of that every now and again! I talked to a friend of mine and someone I have worked with in the past (photoshoot). Her name is Sam and she runs her own successful makeup services and consultation biz. Talking to her put a lot of things in prospective for me. #1 Right now I don't have to worry about going to beauty school paying thousands of dollars. I can already find employment without doing that as a makeup artist #2 by continuing to freelance and seek out freelance opportunities, I am already doing a great job #3 by promoting my business every chance I get, I will be fine. #4 I can take advantage of pro classes offere by MAC & MUFE & Smashbox and have access to training I want AND get product :)
She is truly an amazing artist and equally great person. Here is her blog:

http://samanthalennon.blogspot.com/

her official website : http://www.samanthalennon.com/
Thanks Sam

<3
Cicely

When Mom & Career Come to a Crossroads...

I have had an overload of thoughts and emotions and back and forth about this issue for sometime. Well pretty much since Liam has been born! I am 23, soon to be 24, a single mother working PT & random freelance hours living with her parents with a 2 year old! Sheesh! Life is grand *sarcasm*. I have student loan debt, medical bills to pay off and credit card debt to pay off...WOW! I'm really in pretty deep. The main debate I am having right now is what to do in my career and with my career.

I would REALLY like to go to beauty school to be licensed as a cosmetologist and/esthetician in order to open up some more doors in my budding beauty career. I am currently financially and geographically limited to a few (well 2 opportunities). Option A) I can take a 1,000 hr esthetics course in Louisville (some 70 is miles away) PT for 10-11 months {think gas, time on the road, work and Liam *sigh* overwhelming to say the least} OR Option B) right here in Lexington attend a 1800 hr cosmetology course FT and ONLY work weekends, meaning I'd have to give up my job at the library. If I take Option A, I can begin as soon as January and still work at the library. If I take Option B, the earliest I can begin is May!

Then there comes the prospect of careers in beauty I'd like to do and what actually works out as something that I can do: I'd love to be an Education Artist or Area Trainer. The problem there is I'd be travelling 75-90% of the time and I'd NEVER get to see my son. even for a starting salary of $45,000-50,000/yr, it wouldn't be worth the time I'd miss with him.

Then, what about my MLM company? I am taking the weight loss supplement V3 currently, but don't think I am really interested in selling it as much as I am in getting a discount on the product as an associate. I was introduced to the company Isagenix by a friend of mine and would probably pursue that option. If it worked out, I would actually quit the library sooner and begin beauty school and be able to work on marketing that business and doing my makeup in my cousin's shop! Jeez! So many decisions.

Happy December! Week 15 Weigh-in

I can't believe it's here already! This year has FLOWN by with superhero speed. Posted below is the link to my YT vid. Come check me out & find out just how much progress I've made thus far!!!

http://youtu.be/2GcE3Laz_Lw

Blame Game

From a recent Facebook discussion among women that I know, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about my previous relationships, what went wrong and how and most importantly who is to blame? My friend Monica said in her piece for the discussion something similar to that no matter how a relationship ends, both parties have to stake their claim in the ending of the relationship. There is never one completely "clean" party. I believe this is true as well. So before you go all "what the hell is she talking about?", hear me out.

The biggest example I have both recent and most significant is the time I wasted (yes, I still do think it was ultimately a waste of time, though I did learn valuable life lesson) with Liam's "father". Alot of wrong things went down in that relationship and in all honesty, it started with me. I knew deep down he was NOT the right one for me, but in the beginning he treated me well. We went out, he bought me things, he treated me the way I thought I deserved to be treated. I was 19 and it was only my 2nd serious relationship & I thought maybe this was what love really was. Then, came the baby mama drama, the text messages from random girls, the random drive by internet posts on his various social media pages and slowly but sruely shit began to deteriorate. I became more and more unhappy as the months and weeks passed by.

I was in love and for a little while believed some of the dumb shit and ridiculous stories he would tell me. I was such a fucking idiot- NO! really, don't sugarcoat it! I was. That was my biggest fuck-up, that was how I led to the ending of our relationship. I loved too hard, trusted too much and didn't walk away when my gut told me to do so. There were red flags, screaming horns and writing on the wall and I ignored it all. My final and ultimate moment of revelation came when I found out I was pregnant with Liam. When I knew there was no chance of us raising this baby together, no chance of us living together, no chance of me having a family with this dude and of course NO chance of us ever getting married, I realized that it wasn't what I wanted.

I reevaluated my life during those months of pregnancy and realized if the love I had felt for this man at one point were reciprocated, I wouldn't be pregnant and alone. I wouldnt be broke and figuring out how I'm going to move and where I'm going to live with my newborn baby. I wouldn't have had any of the negative experiences I did during my pregnancy. Things just became so clear and I felt so fucking dumb. It took 2.5 years to realize and confront and face the same things my parents and friends told me. WOW!

So I blame him for being such an asshole and taking advantage of the things I gave to him and the love I thought we shared, but I place the blame solely on myself for being the idiot that stuck around and continued to be mistreated. He should have never called me out of my name, he should have never pushed me when I was 7 months pregnant with my son, he should have never been cheating on me various time throughout our rocky relationship, he shouldn't have ever disrepected me,my family or my friends. I shouldn't have believed anything he said the times he came in late from work with me waiting for him and not able to sleep becuase I was worried and pissed. But most importantly, I NEVER should have tolerated that shit!!!

I now see what I want, deserve and will tolerate in a relationship. My tolerance for bullshit is so low, I don't know if I can ever be in another relationship. I see people much clearer now and when I see a negative picture I run clear in the opposite direction!

I know my worth now and I know how I want to be treated. At this point, it's not just me I need to think about, but also the most important person in my life, Liam. I can not afford to be in another unhealthy situation. Who cares about how it affects me? I care about the potential damage and danger it has for Liam. I will always listen to my gut, because it is never wrong.
So what about you? Who was to blame in the dissolution of your marriage/relationship? Do you accept blame for your role in the situation? How do you feel about it and what have you learned?

Until again,
Cicely

11/26 (W 14) Weigh-in & Measurement Update!

Here is my vid on Youtube detailing my weigh-in for Week 14 (Nov 26,2011)

http://youtu.be/InMqkwF32DU

Weight Loss/Goals Stats:

*15.2 lbs to reach 295 lb goal by December 31

* Total loss of 18.6 lbs

* 90 lbs to final goal


Measurement Stats

Aug 30, 2011                                               Nov 28, 2011

Bust : 52                                                        Bust: 49 (-3)
Waist: 54                                                       Waist: 49 (-5)
Hips: 60                                                         Hips: 55 (-5)
Arms (r- upper): 19                                        Arms: 18.5 (-0.5)
Thighs (r): 34                                                  Thighs: 31 (-3)

That is a total loss of 16.5 inches in 3 months! Wow! If I continue at this rate by 6 months I will have lost 33 inches overall!  

To Hell & Back - A Week of Updates!

1st order of business: Hope you all had an awesome Thanksgiving. 2nd: I want to send a special shout out to Shannon (youtube: thehairdoc) for taking the time out to not only msg me on YT, but to offer words of encouragement as well. It ignites a new fire in you when strangers reach out and for that I thank you! :)

Wow! It's Sunday and a little more than a week has gone by since my last post. Life has changed a bit since then. I think I should just start by getting the bad news out of the way:

*We did make it to NYC and I swear out of the times I have driven there, this was certainly THE longest.

*I spent almost all of my paycheck! Yeah I mean literally: hotel room for 1 night, gas all the way up, tolls, food - yeah it's ridiculous

*I learned that I can't trust ANYONE & I do mean ANYONE. It is too much detail to get into here, but it's truly ridiculous the things people go through to "protect" their children. I'm not going to lie. I'm the baby of the family and I was/am spoiled sometimes, but my parents made/make sure I appreciate the things they have done. They give me enough room to live MY life and raise My son and make my own decisions. I don't need Mom & Dad to hold my hand. I have never been nor will I ever be a coward and I am truly tired of people testing me and my patience. If you have a child, RAISE them. If they need something, PROVIDE it. That's YOUR job. As I have stated before, we(me & Liam) are doing AMAZING by ourselves. He has the best set of grandparents, great grandparents & people who love him that I've ever known. No amount of trickery is going to take that away. I will NOT let anyone take my child's solid foundation away. If you are not doing what is best for him, you are detrimental to the process. Step aside and let REAL PARENTS DO THEIR JOB. #endrant

*Having to deal with all sorts of ignorance

*although Poops didn't cry when we dropped him off, he was clingy the WHOLE next day!

*I only got to see a couple of my friends

The positives:
* I got to see my Gordito (Adam - my nephew) I love that boy! He is so big and chunky & handsome lol. I call him Chino too - he could pass for an Asian baby!

*got to spend bonding time with Mom - wben I am angry sometimes I take it out on EVERYONE & Mom makes sure I cut that shit out REAL quick. She is my rock

* i bought some new boots from Nine West outlet on STEEP discount

*got my African oil in Egyptian Musk form 125th street lol

*my baby came back from the visit physically unscathed, we have yet to see any emotional damage (aside from extreme seperation anxiety)

*had a nice Thanksgiving dinner courtesy of Adam's mommy

*got to see my sister from another mister/Liam's godmommy/aunt/daddy Monica

*got to see Thomas (aka PedoBear lol)

* lost another 3lbs

and what is most importantly (lmao) : I didn't have to choke that hoe! :)

The emotional ups and downs of this week were ridiculous and I'm sooo glad it's over. My life can go back to some semblence of normalcy - for now. Next court date for custody is Dec 9, i.e. right around the corner. Much to do between now & then...Ready for battle as usual...more posts to come later this week.

Until again,
Cicely

Refocusing and No Longer Doing ANYTHING 1/2 Assed!

I took some time this weekend to TRULY reflect on my life and where things are going. I'm 23, almost 24, and I just can't seem to get out of this life rut. When one thing goes well, all other things go by the wayside. I realized I am the ONLY thing curtailing my own success. Anyone who ever started their own company had to put in work! I have been so caught up in loathing some aspects of my life and trying to wish my way into a better one that I have been doing NOTHING to improve it!

The change starts with and within me. These next few months I am going to delegate just 10-15 hours per week developing my business and my blog. I will alot out time for work and get things done. I am ready to take my life and my careers to new levels and I am the one stopping me from getting there. The most bitter thing to swallow for those who have ill will towards you is YOUR success! I'm going to title this phase of my life: New Year, New Me, New Body, New Mind. I want to do a complete change of how I have been doing things in the past!

For L.I.A.M. Artistry, LLC
* I will create online visibility through youtube, facebook, modelmayhem and increase traffic on my website
* I will do a tutorial every week via YT showcasing makeup application on myself or a subject (under LIAM Artistry, not MissCicelyCarter)
* try to give the company a seperate identity apart from me
* I will revamp my website
*I'm going to enlist the help of a friend from high school who has his own advertising company to tie together the missing pieces
* build my kit (incl all new brushes)
*advertise and network the hell outta myself.
* I have a goal to make $3,000 in this business next yr. That is about $250/month. Totally doable!

For Single Momtrepenuer brand
* I'm enlisting the help of a fellow mommy blogger "Being Mrs. Jones" to redesign and redefine my blog image. I believe I have finally found my niche in the blogging world. (That will happen in January/February next yr) I was thinking of making this blog a dot com, but until I am generating hits and revenue like that...it can wait lol
* blog consistently! 3-5x/week
*have contests and giveaways
* the subjects covered on my blog will be something like this (I will have a menu with tabs! ^_^)L
About Me - a couple of paragraph explaining who i am, purpose of blog, my intentions, my life etc; The Mom - posts/pics of and relating to raising Liam, being a single mom, the struggle, the joys, the frustrations, Liam's milestones, the preschool process etc; The Makeup Artist- will talk about my adventures in freelancing, feature client (vids and pics), makeup trends, makeup reviews etc; The Weight loss Journey - all about my goal to reach a size 16, become healthy and be a successful plus size model.

Plus Size Modeling Career
*time to REALLY be serious
* toning my body is one facet only
*goal: do a photoshoot every 2-3 months (starting February)
*skin care regimen
*FFF Week 2012
* practice walking in heels again
*practice FACE
*practice runway walk


All this will be mine cuz I claim it. Now it is time to get my friends and family on board. I need all the support I can get. This begins today! Let's get it family. I'm not chasing dreams, I'm making them happen! Ms. Carter is about to be REAL busy!

It Was a Happy Day for Happy Feet 2!

Liam, Dad and I all went for an afternoon treat of Happy Feet 2 and Applebee's. I had a great day w/ 2 great men. I needed a day out and glad I got to enjoy it with them. I don't ask for much, I truly don't. It's moments like this I truly appreciate and am thankful for what I have.

<3 Cicely

A Mix of Feelings

So I have been dreading this trip since I knew about it last month and now the time is almost here. Liam's Thanksgiving visit to see his "father". People who don't know me may always wonder why I am such a Negative Nancy when it comes to this issue?
Here are the reasons:
1) the missing genetic piece in this equation has not had ANY sort of contact with Liam since April; no phone calls, no emails about him, no NOTHING

2) he is still behind on child support and ONLY began to pay child support b/c it was court ordered & the garnished it from his wages; prior to that in 18 months he had given me and Liam 2 small packs of diapers, $80 and yeeeaaaah that's about it

3) he is an idiot! there is no reasoning, no negotiating with this guy. He wants to have control over this situation. YET he has done nothing to augment the daily care, physical/mental development of my son and still feels it's his "right" to tell me what to do and how WE should live our lives.

4) I moved out of NYC b/c I could/can no longer afford to live there, he straight up  lied to the judge and told her I took him away w/o letting him know. His WHOLE family including him had known since last Christmas

5) I honestly feel he can't add anything positive to Liam's life: he can't teach him to be a better person, he can't teach him to be a real man, he can't teach him to be a father, he's not even intelligent and conscious enough to appreciate and understand the value of education.

He has fulfilled his role as a sperm donor, now if he will step aside and let me continue with REAL parenting, I have no objections to that! These are honest feelings and opinions, if you don't believe in my parenting style/ability, then that is on you. I know my son and I know my situation and this is currently what it is for us.

Afro-Kinky - Hair Chronicles

Since getting my last relaxer in 2007  and going through much trial and error I have come to appreciate the unique texture of my hair and its complexities. One thing that I don't like is the length or lack thereof. As of today I am in the 7-10 inch range. 7" being the shortest and 10" the longest, which isn't terrible. But not all of my hair is healthy. I badly need a trim and I need to begin the process of deep conditioning my hair every week for the next 5-6 weeks. Let's start with my natural hair type: I have some combination of type 4 hair.

I have found some amazing products that REALLY work for me and Liam's hair:

Oyin Handmade - they have an amazing lotion, detangler, deep conditioner & I also use their juice and berries detangler and refresher hair spray.

Bitoin and prenatal vitamins - I think have helped my hair growth, I know at least my nails r growing quicker.

Cantu Shea Butter deep conditioner - pretty good, costs around $6-7, was using it every day as a hair dress.

My Financial Future

So after reading a post by Candace from newyorkstateofmom.blogspot.com , I decided to revist my own spending habits budget!

Successes:
* I am 3 payments from paying off one of my biggest CC debts (last payment due January 2012)
* I do have a budget in place (not updated currently but I'm working on it)
* I am FINALLY finding the value in buying things DISCOUNTED - anything I can get on sale, no more full price unless it is necessary

What to improve:
*I need to start a college savings for Liam
* I need to begin my ROTH IRA once tax season hits
* I need to start my own personal "rainy" day savings (let's say $15 per pay period)
* tackle the rest of my CC debt

I am seriously considering becoming an Associate for Isagenix. I will try it for let's say 3 monrths and if nothing comes out of it and I don't make residual income, then I will continue to purchase their products at the discount price and that will be all.

I will continue to develop my makeup biz, spending some of my tax return on much needed supplies to keep me going. I'm hoping by freelancing w/ Smashbox I can generate more clientele.

I have much to work on and I'm going to take small steps to get there! Share with me some budget/money saving tips...What do you do to save on necessities?/What do you splurge on?

Single Life

Yep my dating life is bout as blank as the rest of this post lmfao! *sigh* There is NO scene in KY :(. Wacktastic!

Weigh-In Week 12 November 12, 2011

http://youtu.be/HGpu4unYBVc - link to my vid, come check me out

The Deets:

weight: 314.2 = -0.6lbs lost since last weigh-in :/
Goal: 19 lbs to lose by December 31, 2011
Total weight lost: 14.6 lbs
To final goal:  94

This week:
* Workout out 5x - start 1 day of 2x/day (before and after work)
* Start v3 (November 14)
* eat more times. less food
* check out personal trainers in the area

#Random Post: Rihanna - music opinion

I am not normally a HUGE fan of singers. I have a great respect for artists and musicians and those whole evolve in their craft. I'm not always into her style and hair choices, but even though Rihanna doesn't have the best voice, her music IS changing, evolving and she is GROWING as an artist. As Jay-Z's protege, he couldn't really ask for me. I read a stat where she is either tied with Janet Jackson's record or has already suprassed it for most #1 singles! That shit kray! lol. I will be the first to admit when Rihanna first came out I didn't think she would last because her image was too sqeuaky clean and her facade was not believable to me...

Since then, her music has gotten grittier, sexier and much more real. That is in part to her growing up and changing as a person and the unwavering skill of these people writing her songs hit after hit. Her two newest singles "We Found Love" and "You Da One" are truly in line with the type of hits she has been putting out in recent years and I truly don't think she is going anywhere soon. I purchased her last CD "Loud" and wasn't impressed much beyond her standout singles, but I do think with the two afromentioned leading singles I will either purchase those from iTunes or possibly even buy her next studio effort.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg00YEETFzg&feature=BFa&list=HL1321278083&lf=mh_lolz  "We Found Love"

"You Da One" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nttL0SXLBZE&feature=BFa&list=HL1321278083&lf=mh_lolz

Hump Day November 9, 2011

So I'm here at work at the library. I should be working on some type of programming plans for our winter break programs here at the library but instead I am blogging lol. I need to get another laptop as I have finally killed off the 2 I had (1 REALLY old and the other fairly new). I realize I must get some better tools in order to perfect my craft :).

I've had a really good week thus far and will share with you guys some of the highlights:

1) being off Sunday - spending time with Poops
2) working early both yesterday and today and getting to spend more time with Poops
3) finishing up my book discussions with the Linlee School and feeling like I was really reaching out to the kids and learning things from them - they even surprised me with a gift card to Applebee's - TOTALLY unexpected, but definitely appreciated.
4) I quit job #2 and will have my last day there Nov 19 - praise God!
5) I'm just in a general good mood

I hope things are going well for everyone else out there and until next time this is Single Momtrepenuer signing off. :)

Weight Loss Updates/ Goal Breakdown

Yes, I am still fat. No, I'm not as fat as before lmfao!

This is 11/5/2011 weight: 313.8 (-15lbs)

Now to break down my goals into what would be ideal for me, FFF Week '12 and just in general:

My 1st major goal = Dec 31, 2011 - weigh-in at 295

February 1, 2012 (my 24th birthday *cringe*) - 285

March 15, 2012 - 275 (this is around the time of that I would submit for FFF Week auditions by video and application online)

May 15, 2012 - 255

June 1, 2012 - 250

Aug 1, 2012 - 235

Oct 16, 2012 (Liam's 3rd bday; at this weight I would be 45 lbs UNDER my pregnancy weight) 220 FINAL GOAL!!!!!!!!!!

Some people will think I am nuts b/c I want to weigh 220. But if you see 220 lbs worth of fit lean, feminine body mass you would understand what I'm trying to do. I am an aspiring PLUS SIZE MODEL. The industry is over run with size 12s and 14s. I want to be a fit, flat tummied, cellulite free, rubenesque, curvy size 16. That is ok with me. :) If I am healthy, workout regularly and eat right, who is to tell me that a size 16 is still fat?! I won't care. I have seen fat. At my heaviest weight 328.8 lbs - THAT is fat. Wearing almost a size 24 W...THAT is fat. So when I get to my beautiful size 16, you, you and you over there, can't tell me nothing! :)

I Love Your Smile, Face & Oh, Yeah Pretty Much EVERYTHING About You!

Funk Be Gone - Happy November & Other Updates

Over a week ago, I wrote about my inexplicable funk. But chile, I'm better now lol. I have been able to put things into perspective and try to get a grasp on wtf is going on in my life! My #1 problem (and one I ALWAYS face) I am overextending myself. I put unnecessary pressure on myself and attempt to do 8 millions things at one time, by myself and sometimes in multiple directions! I decided I need to slow tf down and live my life piece by piece, section by section and most importantly, with less on my plate.

#1 - Job #2 has GOT TO GO. When I started there I had a specific goal in mind, but now that I have some financial help (in loan form), I am able to fulfill a debt that had a deadline swiftly approaching. I have my 2nd interview with MAC and will be freelancing for Smashbox in addition to my primary library job...what more could a girl want?

#2 - I got back (well better) into my workout groove. For the 2nd week in a row, I have only lost 1 lb each week but I will take it! I am no 19 lbs away from my first major milestone - getting back UNDER 300lb. Thank you God!

#3 - I am trying to stress less about this custody situation. Even though I have to begrudgingly spend my Thanksgiving in NYC, I am going to make the best of it. All I can do now is hope the judge sees how utterly useless and unfit to parent Liam's "father" is

#4 - I am going to rearrange and revamp my budget (again) and get tigther reign on my expenses and spending.

#5 - I am going to focus and schedule my time better with Liam. He deserves my <3 and attention and I owe him at least that much. Now that he is 2 y.o. We are going full force into Spanish, ABCs, #s and potty traning (revisited). I am pledging to spend an hr per day (not all in 1 block) towards his over development and of course look into gettin him into activities this winter time :)

I am just taking a step back, looking at my life and making the changes I see fit. My life HAS marginally improved since I moved outta NYC and that WAS the goal. Helathier, Happier and out of debt. I am slowly making it towards that EVERY day. I thank God for that. I have met some awesome people in the blog world and via Youtube on my weight loss journey. I am excited as to where this blog is taking me and where my life is headed as well.

Until again
Cicely
The Single Momtrepeneur :)

Stuck in a Funk

Yep it happens to the best of us. I have been in an inexplicable funk for about a week now. Life is just on a downward slope right now. I am exhausted, yet I have been up since 3:30 am. In all honestly I am mostly stressed about this custody bullshit and the impending loss to funds that I will have coming up in about 3 weeks.

Visitation was decided by referee as follows:

Liam to visit father Nov 22-Nov 26. As ALWAYS, I'm charged with bringing him TO NYC, his "father" is supposed to bring him back to KY.

I am #1 not over the moon about the idea of MY child being in that person's vicinity for that long and #2 not spending Thanksgiving with my family for the SIXTH year in a row, but more importantly not spending it with Liam...

This trip is going to cost me in more ways that one...I have to take time off from work and DRIVE. I'm just so over it right now. Both spending money that I need to be alotting to pay off debt and time that I should be at work earning money for me and my son to live. I'm tired of this f&*#er getting off easy. I am truly tired of getting the shit end of the stick EVERY TIME. I should have just dipped outta NYC without a word instead of "doing the right thing".

You know what I truly think about doing the right thing? It fuckin' sucks and gets you nowhere...well at least the places it gets you are stuck in situations of hardship that could have been avoided if you had just done with your impulses told u to.

I just feel like my efforts of being a good person/good mom are being thwarted and minimized each day. My son deserves so much more than this and so much better. I'm not optimistic about the future like I used to be, I no longer believe that people are inherently good. :/

I am just ready for this shit to go to trial to FINALLY prove to the family court that I am not only the better parent but that "father by genetics only" is a non motherfuckin factor. I am not a happy mama bear and I am truly not going to give up in this fight. Liam is MY son and i won't let anyone hurt him. Emotionally OR physically. I'm not depriving Liam of anything b/c guess what? His "father" already makes ZERO effort to contact/interact with Liam. In his 2 years of life, "ol' daddy dearest" is still the same p.o.s. of a person he has always been. Whether we lived around the corner from him for 2 yrs or around the globe, it will never matter because he will NEVER be a REAL father. Staking claim as a father is NOT ur natural born right, u have to earn that shit. I'm tired of people trying to enjoy the perks of what they havent earned and MOST importantly trying to upset the balance of MY son's life.

I am trouble, tired and upset beyond words...

#end rant

Cicely

New Revamped Blog...Coming 2012

So after much consideration and soul searching, I will rename and refocus this blog :)

It will be what it always has been and a little more. I want to take my stance as a serious blogger in the blogosphere and I am on a mission to be self employed by the end of 2012. My blog will focus on my business ventures both in makeup/esthetics, health/wellness AND plus size modeling.

I will continue to talk about my personal/every day life and also about single motherhood! I don't like to define myself under one label, but this name is something that TRULY fits my purpose and ME right now! :)

So in 2012 I will reintroduce my blog as http://www.singlemomtrepenuer.com/

So stay tuned and thanks for helping me take it this far :)

Cicely

Shedding Weight

-12 lb overall and I'm starting to shed some emotional baggage too!

And Another 1 Probably Bit the Dust...

I am so frustrated right now. EVERY single time I have an opportunity to do something with modeling, there is ALWAYS something in the way and I mean ALWAYS. Wtf does it mean? If I wasn't meant to do it would I be so close to doing it so many times? Wtf am I doing wrong? The timing is always so bad!

This time is actually LESS of a money issue and now is a scheduling issue. I have to work at job #2 Fri Nov 4 10a-3p, that means I would have to leave for NYC Wed Nov 2 and return in the night of Thrs Nov 3..which wouldn't be an issue if I could find flights during that time...which at this point I can't. Man Idk wtf I'm doing wrong. I'm trying to pay off my debts and settle things the right way and it is a HUGE impediment to me being able to do the things I love.

I'm truly on the verge of putting my aspirations to be a plus size model on the back burner for good. Something that will go under the category of; I came, I saw, I tried, it didn't work. Smh...idk wtf to think about it all...really.

I am in such a shitty mood. I just don't know wtf I am doing wrong. Every now and then I get this overwhelming feeling that I won't ever accomplish the things I want to or the things I was meant to do. I feel like all the things I planned are not what is really going to happen. I am scared of the future at times. More than that I am scared of failing. I can't spend my life TRYING to make it something I just have to do it. And it's like for every small triumph I have, I am left to face a bigger setback/obstacle...I truly don't know what to do anymore. I feel kinda lost.

Significant Crossroads in Plus Model Career

As has ALWAYS seemed to happen to me with modeling, I once in a while come across some great opportunities...but something always seems to be in the way of me realizing that particular goal at that particular time. It makes me think, I truly believe God puts obstacles in our way to see how we handle it. Like you SAY u want to do this, here is the opportunity I have bestowed upon you, how are YOU going to make it happen?

That is just where I am at right now! I have the ambition, the drive, now I need the means. I budgeted out my money and I will have enough to get what I need for the shoot and transportation once I'm there and work is no problem, BUT the biggest issue is now how the f--k am I gonna pay for the round trip plane ticket? I really only have a day or 2 to come up with the $/means/someone else's money to do it and I'm truly stuck...It's about $330 and that is as cheap as they come. From Louisville to MacArthur in L.I...I really want this and it would be awesome to update my portfolio. With about 36 hours left, what am I gonna do?!

Here are some deets of the shoots:

Client: Eddy and Bri

Specs: The shoot is TFP but lunch will be provided. An MUA will be on location for makeup but you will be required to come hair ready. You will also receive tear sheets from the shoot once the photos are posted to the site.

Requirements:
- 5'8" or taller - CHECK
- Size 14-24; You must be proportionate -CHECK
- You must know how to pose and take direction -CHECK!

This is an awesome opp and I have to make this happen?! I will update you as soon as I know how/if I can make this happen!

Updates :)

Wow! I have been slacking here because I have been working on fine tuning so many other areas of my life!

#1 now have a 2nd day time job; started this past Monday, I don't know how much longer it will last for the simple fact that I may have TWO job offers in the wings
a) received a call from Smashbox cosmetics to do freelance for them
b) have an interview with MAC for Freelance/Oncall or PT (12 hr/week) positions

#2 I have been going hard trying to lose this weight! Man I will do my official weigh-in tomorrow and hope to be another 2lbs down

#3 Liam is turning 2 on Sunday and even tho I have to work @ job #2 that day, we are gonna do cake and ice cream social when I get in from work :) I'm so happy for my lil man I can barely stand it!

#4 I am now an associate of Voyager Health and will be selling an AWESOME weight loss supplement called V3. I tried a sample and really liked the way it worked! So I decided to sell it and try to get a lil money on the side. It's much easier to push a product you believe in and KNOW is beneficial ! Check my website plusmodelworkout.voyagerhealth.com - contact me for info :)

#5 I'm trying to grow business for my makeup biz! I want to be self employed by this time next year. I don't mind still doing freelance makeup for other companies, but I want to be self sufficient with MY business and be able to live off of that solely and do the freelance to keep my skills sharp rather than out of necessity!

#6 STILL dealing with custody bull...I'm sending it up to God and moving on. He knows that His will be done and I'm going to keep doing what I'm supposed to do/been doing...take care of MY best man, my only son and my motivation :)

Follow me on YT for more current updates - MissCicelyCarter :) Thanks for reading guys! <3

I'm Losing it! -7.2 lbs that is!

lol Yeah I'm LOSING WEIGHT! #pow. I will be down to my first goal weight by the end of this year and nothing can keep me from it!

#empowered #teamkickass

Healthy IS Happy

There is a direct correlation to people in good health and higher levels of happiness :)

Just some food for thought for the day :)

Poetry Pause

Sight
written 10/2011 - sole intellectual propety and original concept of Cicely N. Carter

This is because I have never truly been seen.

Not one has felt the warmth from the fire that gleams within
or bothered to feed those flames.

There hasn't been one time where the enigma of my Aquarian mind
has been caressed and coddled
where my wildest dreams were fashioned into a reality by a vision other than my own

This is because no one sees me,
they don't care to discover the entricacies of my heart
unsheath the mind that covers my razor tongue
unearth the bare soul that lies within this vessel.

they see what they want and what they see is what they get.

Because I Care...About Me

The older I get the more I decide the less bullshit that I'm going to deal with. I am far from being the person I dreamed I'd be at this age, but I refuse to be derailed any further on my path to success. I have had to do some real soul searching these past few months and I'm not standing for the bullshit/fuckery/buffoonery of any kind. If you are not aiding me in reaching my destination, you are a deterrent and must be eliminated from my life.

My flaw when I was younger was letting too many people in, not appreciating myself and not TRULY valuing myself as a woman, person and someone who can contribute great things to the lives of those I encounter and this Earth.

The true purpose of this post is to affirm that I am done wasting time. I value myself, my life and the life of my son to do so anymore. If I'm taking steps, it HAS to be in a positive direction.

Losing Weight, Gaining Life

So I wanted to post about my successes thus far since being on my weight loss journey. I have had more time evaluate and reflect on myself as well...I see where I am, where I was and where I want to be. I'm going to write a list of The 5 Reasons I HAVE to Lose Weight:

1) My health - this is priceless. Once your health is gone, so is your quality of life. I am too young to not be LIVING & enjoying it. I want to see my son grow up and help guide him through life.

2) Liam - almost like #1, but I have to be a positive example for him. Being obese is not the lesson I want him to take from me. I want our family/household to be active and healthy. It starts with me.

3) I'm tired of being unhealthy - So I am generally a confident person, but the weight I have gained in the past couple of years has really taken a toll on me. I feel like and look like I have let myself go. Not good. I want to feel good in my clothes; sexy, confident, strong like I did when I was younger.

4) To be able to have a career as a plus size model - let's get real. Big can be beautiful but out of shape and proportion is not. I need to be toned, healthy and beautiful. I want all three of those things and NEED them to be working as a model. My goal is a size 16. If I became a 14, I wouldn't have a problem with that

5) to show off - yes I am being vain right now, but when you lose weight and tone your body and train it into shape, you have a right to show it off. I'm going to be classy, not trashy but sexy all the way. Mini skirts, fitted dresses, fitted tops and dare I say a 2 piece bathing suit one day?! Oh boy! I am truly looking forward to being comfortable and looking good in all that I wear! :)

Woke Up in a Better Mood & Better Headspace

On a very good note. I am now down 4.6 lbs and it feels good, yeeeaaah! lol

I will continue to pray about the custody situation and let God handle it.

I am now going to enjoy preschool hunting for Liam and have included Mom & Dad in the process as well :).

I am considering the following:

Sayre - the same private school I attended for 14 years. They now have a pre-k 3 and montessori program, although montessori is #1 for me

Lexington Montessori

Community Montessori

Children's Montessori School of Georgetown

Versailles Montessori

Today's agenda take Poops to the doctor to investigate the terrible cold, work, then try to get a workout in today!

Tomorrow we do Festival of the Horse in Georgetown :); I'm definitely taking pics and will post some on here.

I am going to enjoy my day/weekend with my love and not let anything or anyone get in the way of me doing that

Baby Love :)

What ALWAYS makes me happy :)

my fave :)

My Best is Not Always Good Enough

And that is exactly how I am feeling these days. I feel like one good thing will happen, just to make room for two more bad things. I know I am being tested, but I could just use a break for a minute. This custody thing SUCKS. I still maintain that I am doing what's best for the Poopster and I am aware and accept the sacrifices I have to make for him to have the life he deserves. I am by no means perfect, but I do feel like when it comes to this matter, I am being an adult about the situation to no avail.

All I know is I am doing this because I love my son and HE deserves the best. I just can't say anything else. If the shoe was on the other foot and I was in HIS situation - it would be SERIOUS. NOTHING BUT DEATH could keep me from my son. When Liam was in Kentucky before I was, I was depressed. I called multiple times a day, I wanted pics of him every day, I wanted to hear his voice everyday!!! For the simple fact, he wants none of those things, it is obvious this is a plan to get back at me! Fine, do what you have to do to me, but do NOT make MY son suffer b/c you're a damn fool! Get over yourself, please!

All I can do is pray to God for the strenght to do what I need to do and for guidance in doing the right thing.

Unitl again,
Cicely

Updates 'Cuz I'm Bad at This Lately!

Sooo much has been going on with me...the good and the bad. I had a short break from working out b/c I was sick for a few days. I am down 3 lbs (big fun since it's week 5 now! *sigh*).

I'm sick and tired of the custody b.s. :/

I'm broke and am actively looking for job #2...overnight would be best, but morning would work too!

Poops is 2 in 3 Sundays! Can't believe it. We are thinking a Monkey Joe's celebration and or the Horspark/Lex Children's museum :)

It's been a long time!

Yes, I admit. I have neglected you for far too long lol. Yep, I've been busy with work, trying to lose weight, working on being a good mom and letting life get in the way. I am currently sick with a mild cold b/c of this damn weather change. I feel like ish, but I'll be fine with some cough drops and more tea...*sigh* I dont even feel like eatin lol - yes might lose another lb or 2 this week. I have decided that June next year, I will be looking for a full time job in beauty. I will also continue to develop my own business, but I can't just let my dreams of being in beauty management die.

I have also resolved that I am moving back to NYC, I have to. Part of my survival depends on it. So once I get a handle on my debt, My goal will be saving $ to live in NYC again. I want to model again, I want to work in makeup again, I want me and Liam to forge our own lives independent of my parents. They may not understand, but I am doing what they always taught me to do: follow my dreams and my heart...both of which are in NYC.

But when I go back, I have a plan.

Have enough $ for 6 months rent and utilities expenses
Live in a place I can afford the rent
Go to school to get my waxing license
find the best montessori school for Liam + sitter/daycare - using the Child care assistance
be financially responsible
create a home out of a house/apartment
LIVE - go to the zoo, aquarium, yankee game with Liam. do the things we should have been doing but were too broke to enjoy
stay fit - join gym or PT with Diane

2013...I'm back baby!

First day of September!

Hey guys! I have been neglecting my blog somewhat! So my weight loss journey began once again Monday, August 29, 2011. I am down 1 lb, have worked out 3x this week and began weight watchers today. There is much more to come in my future.

Check out my youtube channel: MissCicelyCarter  for updates on weight loss stuff

Otherwise, life is ok. I am paying things off and trying to start the rest of my life one piece at a time. Thanks to all my friends and family for the support :)

More to come soon,

Cicely

Day 1 - I actually Moved My Ass

So yes, I did my first day of the Jillian Michaels Shred-it with Weights (Kettelebells) and I am loving it! :) It truly kicked my ass! :) I miss that feeling. I got a great burst of enegery. My hunger was down today and I was in a overall MUCH better mood. That being said, I am still far from where I want to be but moving steadily in the right direction.

My goal is to work out 5x this week. I will begin my gym membership at the YMCA this Thursday and start Weight Watchers this Friday or Saturday. I AM going to make this change, PERMANENTLY. I owe it to Liam as well as to myself :).

P.S. Full Figured Fashion Week next June in NYC??? Yep! here I come. I'm going to audition and I'm going to ace it and launch my plus model career once for all dammit. I'm focused, man!!! (Jay Z voice)

Physical Fitness - Long Overdue

I am officially on my way. The Plan: Take it step by step + week by week. Every week I am setting a goal for my self and every month I am setting a goal for myself.

I am going to alternate 2 Jillian Michaels DVDs: 30 Day Shred & Shred-it With Weights (Kettlebell workout) AND supplement that with Weight Watchers and going to the YMCA gym. So my first week goal is to work out 5x, consume at least 1 bottle of water/day, no pop and eat healtheir.

I'm doing my goals in stages: Short term -50lbs in 5 months
September - goal is -10lbs
October- goal is -10lbs
Nov : -10lbs
Dec: -10lbs
January: - 10lbs

So by Feb 1 (my 24th birthday) I will be 50 lbs lighter.

Ultimate goal: This time next year - August 2012 - 100lbs lost and a size 14/16, (whichever comes first). Because of modeling, I am more concerned with size/measurements and less with weight. Overall I want to be healthy and active AND in plus size model shape :).

The work begins tomorrow! With 30 day Shred!

Poetry Pause

Heart/Mind (read as Heart Over Mind)

written 8/2011 - sole intellectual propety and original concept of Cicely N. Carter


I know how dumb I may seem
because every single day
something reminds me of you.

Even though logic dictates my brain
the rhythm in my chest knows I feel
otherwise.

Poetry Pause

Haiku : Beat

written 8/25/2011 - sole intellectual propety of Cicely N. Carter

When u look @ me
my heart skips a beat, buh-boom.
i want this for life

Let's Just Kiss & Say Goodbye!

Young Single Mama Series: Mommy Gets Tired, Too

Since this blog is to encompass the many aspects of my life, I realized i have not been devoting much time to really discussing single motherhood. Many suggestions, entries I have to write on this subject are geared towards single moms, but I'm sure can be applied to married mom and moms in committed relationships.

Today's Topic: "Damn, I'm Tired"

Back in 2009 when I was a scared, pregnant 21 year old expectant Mom, I couldn't have fathomed what my life would be like 2 short years later. While I am no expert still on child rearing, I can tell you this: TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS TAKING CARE OF THAT BEAUTIFUL SON OR DAUGHTER YOU LOVE SO MUCH.

When Liam was born, I thank God for the miracle of being able to have a few choice friends and of course Mom and Dad for ongoing and unconditional support, even though far from us. They helped support me in ALL ways imaginable. I couldn't have made it through the first year of Liam's life without their invaluable aid and advice. While on maternity leave, things were much easier to handle, but once the honeymoon was over and it was back to work and school FT for me, life got much more challenging.

I will tell you some of the things that went to the wayside: my health, my appearance, my happiness to an extent. All because I wasn't exactly sure how to balance things and I was in overdrive. My day went by so fast and was consumed with so many things, sometimes I'd walk out of the house and forget to brush my teeth, put deodorant on or even simple things like comb/brush my hair. I was caught in the moment, trying to be SuperMom/Daughter/Cicely.

I now know that is impractical. I CAN'T do it all alone. At least not expecting results. So I want moms to know this: DO NOT feel guilty for doing things for yourself.

Examples:

taking a nap! - sounds so simple and so small, but this can make a world of difference in your state of mind and how you feel physically

treat yourself - go get your hair done, mani/pedi, read a book alone in the library for an hour, buy some new jeans or new shoes, take a walk outside around the block/to the park for your sanity. It is necessary every once in a while to do these things. You are a mom, but you are a woman, a daughter, wife, girlfriend, sister, friend, human!

frustration is ok- I used to feel bad when I would get agitated with Liam, thinking "what kind of mother does that?" All kinds. I am human, not a robot. When I am frustrated or overwhelmed, I pause and take a few seconds to reflect. "I love Liam. I love myself. Things will be ok". It helps me to regain control

mothering is not an exact science - no one is perfect and there is no one way to raise YOUR child. Do the best job you can do and enlist the help of those close to you and seek their advice. I'm not much of a disciplinarian, but I like sticking to routine for Liam. When we are in sync, it helps me get things together

ask for help or accept it when offered...need I say more?! lol

These are just a few suggestions to get you started! Please leave comments or any more suggestions you might have ! :)

In the Future

Sooo seeing some of Rihanna's tattoos got me thinkin lol When I get to my goal weight I'm going to reward myself. There are some obvious things like new clothes, new shoes - hell a new wardrobe!

The List (when goal weight/size is reached)

1) Get my last 4 tattoos:
words in latin (one 2 on lower rib cage to hip, 1 underneath underarm where bra sits; I still have no idea where I will put the one dedicated to Liam-foot? ankle?)

2) buy a skirt - slightly above knee length #pow lol

3) buy a fitted ress (like cocktail/going out dress)

4) eventually i think i should run in a race/marathon just b/c its something i've never done and i would like that sense of accomplishment




When I think of more, I will keep adding to the list :)

Poetry Pause

Air Travel
written 8/22/2011
A Cicely Carter original - written on Paris Pike on the way home from work

if nothing eva really dies
then did my love for u just
stay on ground waiting for u to board
while I was really flying high
amongst the clouds

waitin for u to come along?

was it something i said
that really changed
the course of this flight?

or did u cancel the itinerary at the last minute?

was i only a test flight to break in
the plane for the next passenger?
or was i much anticipated,
the 1 u had been dreamin about boardin all this time?

i only regret i never got to see our destination.
my trip to Love ended
with a layover in Heartbreak

here i remain.

reclaimed my suitcase
from baggage area 808

i'm waitin for u here
giving u the last chance

my heart beats on the conveyor belt
churning through with the rest of the freight

pick Her up
or She's gone for good.

I only write when I am emotionally moved to do so. He did this to me. Some of the realest lines I've written in months. Felt good to get it out...This is a work in progress. As u read it now is in its raw form, just like the words flowed to my head and down to the pen and on the paper.

sole intellectual propety and original concept of Cicely N. Carter

Think It's Time to Rename My Blog...

The more I mull over it and seriously envision my future, I think law school is out of the picture. I love the notion of fighting for justice and deciphering complex legal jargon, but I can't envision myself doing it forever. I think it would be one of those things that I start off with all the gusto in the world, but then slowly begin to lose steam as the job and its harsh realities set in. I don't want that to be my career. I have always been driven by things I believe in, feel passionate about and that ,whether immediately or later, help people. I truly enjoy working with kids and it puts a smile on my face, but this isn't what fulfills me, what makes me feel complete. It only took 23 years to figure it out, but what I truly want to do lies in art form, creative expression. This is who I am and for now want to be. I'm not realizing my creative potential. I am a writer first, an aspiring model second & a growing makeup artist. I am interested in things that change and evolve and that require constant learning and training.

Being a freelance makeup artist brings me joy. I LOVE to buy makeup, I love to apply makeup on others. I love the variances of peoples' faces, I love teaching people new techniques, i love having people being satisfied with something I do for them. I love the textures, colors, brushes, finishes, smells, mixing, adding, sculpting, contour, shapiong. Here is where my heart lies.

On the other side, I love to model. Giving "face" is about one of my most favorite things in this world. I love the look of clothing and how it fits the female form. I love the movement of the body and discovering more about its placement. I love haute couture, I love heels, I love looking at models in print ads, i am infactuated with the indsutry...There is where my heart lies

I love spending time with my son, I love watching him grow, reading to him, cooking with him, dancing with him, smelling his hair after a bath, powdering him with baby powder, tickling him until he laughs uncontrollably, watching him sleep, kissing his feet and hands, giving him kisses, giving him hugs. This is where my heart belongs.

I NEED all 3 of these things wrapped in 1. :) So with that in mind...I can no longer be FutureLawyerModelMama...what am I now?

How Is August Almost Over?

*sigh* I can't believe I have bene out of New York about 9 weeks now. It makes me sad, but more focused at the same time. There were things I HAD/Still HAVE to do & I wasn't getting any closer being there. I think I might move back, I really want to. Mainly, to make my last and final attempt at having a modeling career. I want this for myself, I want it for Liam. I can't deal with living the rest of my life never knowing if I could have made it or not...

I am making a promise to continue to take care of myself. ALL of myself: mentally, physically, emotionally. I want to grow and continue to be a better person, better mom, better everything. I'm not looking for love or validation from any1. I want to be a peace with myself and do what's right by and for my son.

The next to I move (be it to NYC or anywhere else). I'm going to be smarter, wiser and more prepared. Most importantly, I'm going to be focused!!!

When I break, I B R E A K

So obviously posting a blog in a public forum i.e the internet enables and allows millions of people to see your page and even people you may not like, but that's life. Last time I checked this is MY blog and this is about MY life and MY opinions. You have opinions, I have opinions, Liam has opinions, the whole world has opinions about something, about everything.
I really have no interest in what drama is going on in other people's lives b/c guess what?! I don't care.  I couldn't actually care less.  If your not a friend of mine, someone I care about or family, you're a non muthafuckin factor :) . So if you feel something is explicitly addressed to you, then why not say something about it? Last time I checked that is how adults resolve issues. If you disagree with anything I post/have to say, that's fine. It is YOUR opinion, but what it comes down to is this is NOT YOUR BLOG! So if you want to vent/voice opinions, start your own and run amuck. But trust, I won't be reading or caring about ANYTHING you have to say.

That is all

FLMM

In a Bad Headspace

I have heard that phrase used before and never really thought much of it, but these past couple of weeks I have truly been in a bad headspace. I am over this custody issue already! Liam's "father" and I have been fb messaging back and forth since July 23 and NOT ONE F--KIN TIME DID HE ASK HOW LIAM WAS, ASK WHEN HE CAN CALL TO TALK TO HIM, ASK ABOUT HIS HEIGHT/WEIGHT. NOT ONE FCUKIN TIME!!! How much more obvious can I make it that he doesnt give 1 shit about MY son?! What more is it going to take?! It's plain as fuckin day and I am truly tired of dealing with that loser. He is doing this to be spiteful and nothing more and I am sick of it literally. It enfuriates me, is making me lose sleep and eat everything in sight. I don't have to prove how much of a better parent I am when it is so obvious that he is such a terrible one. Only God knows what will happen with this case, but God truly knows who Liam belongs with. God knows who cares, loves him and wants everything good for him and who is doing everything in their power to make it happen.

My only regret in my entire life is having a kid with that loser. That is completely independent of Liam. NOTHING will ever make me feel different about him. I just can NOT deal with his father. I have never seen so much ignorance and spite rolled up into one person. It's truly sickening. I guess I have semi-resolved that this is now out of my hands. but it truly vexes me every day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!

TODAY AUGUST 16TH IS MY MOMMY'S BDAY! :) i <3 MY MOMMY!

the Bad, the Worse & the REALLY Ugly...Who Has This Shit All Figured Out Anyway?!

August 2011 - So I'm finally working (20 hrs/week for the time being) and I still feel like my life is as stagnant as it has been since I got my degree September 2010. I have been desperately clamoring for job #2, but to no avail. 1 year later and I don't have SHIT to show for it :(. Oh yeah, monthly student loan bill, creditors that I owe and unpaid doctor bills for me and Poops. On top of having to live with Mom and Dad (which isn't as horrible as before), I have gained like 10 lbs since I have been home. I link that directly to stress. I am stressed the hell out: the custody bullish, semi-depressed about the direction of my life, not having enough money and really having no one to help me sort all this shit out...IDK wtf to do anymore honestly. I need more money and I have got to lose some weight.

I am slowly killing myself...it hurts my fuckin soul to write this number down...I got on the scale last week and I weigh 328 lbs!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! *tears* I wanted to scream! I was horrified by that number... I never thought I would get there.  I am fuckin disgusted by that, dee-skus-tid! I've never weighed that much EVER. My weight before I was pregnant with Liam was like 278, while pregnant with Liam b/w 258-260, my weight post pregnancy 250...In March/April 2011 when I was working out with Diane - I was @ 312lbs, I lost 6 lbs while working with her and got down to 306lbs....since 2009 I have gained +/- 70-85 lbs!!!! Omg!!! How the fuck did I let this happen??!!! I really need help. This is truly a psychological problem for me. I eat when I'm not even hungry, it's a stress reliever for me and I'm 100% sure it is directly linked to a traumatic event in my past.

I feel like such a loser - too bad not in the losing weight sense. I am desperate for things to do. Something to change. The more stressed I am, the more weight I gain, the more I get depressed. My clothes don't even fit right anymore. :/ I feel truly helpless to all this shit right now. But I know I have to take action. I did apply for financial assistance so I could use the local YMCA, but I won't know anymore about that until this week. I am certainly not reaching for sympathy b/c there are people who are much worse off than I am. But today, August 14 2011 and forward, I really have no clue wtf im gonna do with my life, myself and most of all for the baby! I just need a sign that things are going to be alright and i won't feel nuts, depressed, alone, angry, confused, disillusioned for much longer...

This custody/visitation shit is draining me both mentally and financially. I have to spend most of Liam's child support money and my 1st paycheck to do this shit. I hope and pray to God i am doing the right thing. I hope that Liam's interests prevail in this case. God knows his "father" does not love him, i just pray the courts can see that. IDK wtf to do anymore, I'm truly exhausted! I need a restart and a jumpstart button on my life. I am barely holding on...

Mommyhood/Parenthood

Hey. There has been much going on in my life. Lately, the bane of my existence is this ridiculous child custody/visitation case Liam's "father" & I have going on. That guy is such a loser. I kick my self in the ass every other day for have EVER been involved with him. I honestly wish he would do Liam a favor and relinquish his parental rights...#realtalk.

He is truly only upset b/c now that they are garnishing his wages for back child support, it has cut down his $ supply. Not my fault, not my concern. He tried to attack my parenting skills when we were in court last time and you all know that truly pissed me off. My son is healthy, strong, beautiful, smart and emotionally stable because of ME, MY family, MY friends and the sacrifices WE have made, not because of anything his father has done. He honestly makes me sick to my stomach. The best I can do is pray over the matter. I just have to have faith that God will allow things to happen that are in Liam's best interest...

So I'm not perfect or the best mom, but I am working on being the best for Liam. I'm working on being more patient and attentive to his needs, I'm working on being financially stable for him, I'm working on being physically fit so I can try to be sure I'm around to see him grow up, I'm doing what I can to get him into a great preschool, the same school I went to for 14 years. I want to give him the best of everything and I truly believe that alot of time around his father is not that. His father is a vile, selfish person who only thinks about how things can benefit him...He wants joint physical custody so he wont have to pay so much child support...what an idiot! I refuse to let him play with my child's life. Liam is a person with feelings and needs like every1 else...most importantly he is MY person, he is the ONLY person that means so much to me....

Until again,
FLMM

Beauty Drive-by Post

I liked my makeup yesterday. Different look for me, so I decided to post it! Boo yow! :)

Prodcuts used: MAC mineral bronzer, Benefit Sippin N Dippin cream shadow, L'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes, MUFE Aqua Lip liner #18C, MAC NC45 concealer underye + brows, Anastacia brow powder in Dark, Black Opal eyeliner, L'Oreal HIP eyeshadow duo