Stuck in a Funk

Yep it happens to the best of us. I have been in an inexplicable funk for about a week now. Life is just on a downward slope right now. I am exhausted, yet I have been up since 3:30 am. In all honestly I am mostly stressed about this custody bullshit and the impending loss to funds that I will have coming up in about 3 weeks.

Visitation was decided by referee as follows:

Liam to visit father Nov 22-Nov 26. As ALWAYS, I'm charged with bringing him TO NYC, his "father" is supposed to bring him back to KY.

I am #1 not over the moon about the idea of MY child being in that person's vicinity for that long and #2 not spending Thanksgiving with my family for the SIXTH year in a row, but more importantly not spending it with Liam...

This trip is going to cost me in more ways that one...I have to take time off from work and DRIVE. I'm just so over it right now. Both spending money that I need to be alotting to pay off debt and time that I should be at work earning money for me and my son to live. I'm tired of this f&*#er getting off easy. I am truly tired of getting the shit end of the stick EVERY TIME. I should have just dipped outta NYC without a word instead of "doing the right thing".

You know what I truly think about doing the right thing? It fuckin' sucks and gets you nowhere...well at least the places it gets you are stuck in situations of hardship that could have been avoided if you had just done with your impulses told u to.

I just feel like my efforts of being a good person/good mom are being thwarted and minimized each day. My son deserves so much more than this and so much better. I'm not optimistic about the future like I used to be, I no longer believe that people are inherently good. :/

I am just ready for this shit to go to trial to FINALLY prove to the family court that I am not only the better parent but that "father by genetics only" is a non motherfuckin factor. I am not a happy mama bear and I am truly not going to give up in this fight. Liam is MY son and i won't let anyone hurt him. Emotionally OR physically. I'm not depriving Liam of anything b/c guess what? His "father" already makes ZERO effort to contact/interact with Liam. In his 2 years of life, "ol' daddy dearest" is still the same p.o.s. of a person he has always been. Whether we lived around the corner from him for 2 yrs or around the globe, it will never matter because he will NEVER be a REAL father. Staking claim as a father is NOT ur natural born right, u have to earn that shit. I'm tired of people trying to enjoy the perks of what they havent earned and MOST importantly trying to upset the balance of MY son's life.

I am trouble, tired and upset beyond words...

#end rant

Cicely