Last days of 2013

Hey guys! 

It has been a couple of weeks and some interesting things have happened. John and I had our first major disagreement and didn't really talk for a couple of days, but we sorted it out and now things are better than ever. He is truly a great man and he really makes me feel warm and fuzzy. He is genuine, loving, caring and intelligent. He puts my comfort and feelings in front of his own and he is selfless. 

In other great news...I have been hired by MAC Cosmetics as a freelancer! I wish it had been PT Artist position, but if this is what's in the cards for now, I will surely take it. I feel so humble and so blessed to even have the opportunity. I have left the hospital behind and will now be focusing on freelancing, this blog, developing my makeup biz, modeling and passing my first semester of nursing school. No small order, but something I'm ready for. 

My WLJ will resume starting Monday and I am just looking forward to get back in better shape and FINALLY reaching my goal weight. I see so many good things happening starting now and continuing into 2014 and beyond. I am so blessed to have my health, my son and my family, amazing friends and a great man by my side! If I don't get a chance to write again, Happy New Year's!!!!

Until again,

Cicely

"You're the Ketchup to My Fries"

image courtesy of pinterest.com

It has been a while since I've had the ability to simply sit down and write, but boy is it on time now! :) I am one final away from this loong, looooong semester ending and my grades will be A,B,B. I am now going to study for my Dosage Calculation test which I have to take January 8. I'm also awaiting news on my clinical since by the time all of my documents were turned in to the Nursing department, EVERY good clinical spot/location was taken. 

My time at the hospital will probably be coming to an end. I gave my 2 weeks notice, but there is an opportunity for me to possibly take a position in the same office my mom works in, but we'll see how that goes. Otherwise, I will still be at Benefit and now working at Lane Bryant as well. I had an interview with MAC for the Fayette Mall store about a week ago and that would be a dream. So fingers are still crossed on that! 

Liam is great! I am working towards getting an official, medical diagnosis for Autism so that we can get ALL the services he needs. I'm applying for any help I can because one of the most effective therapies for him (called ABA) might have to come out of pocket. Out of pocket really means waaaay more than I can afford, but for now there is an option of free, outpatient Parent/Child Interaction Training (PCIT). I have to call the psychologist and try to schedule our first appointment ASAP.

Things with modeling these days are dormant. I won't be shooting til around February/March. There is just so much going on in general. But you guys know me and my mind is still churning. Making it a point to get to NYC for FFFW '14. Hoping to meet up with Liesl, see my friends and shoot a couple of times while there! :)

Down with the swirl hahaha :)

And now for the moment you've all been waiting for...as of December 6 I'm in a relationship with a great man. I hadn't mentioned him on the blog, but we have known each other for a little bit. I like him so much...I even put it on Facebook (which I have never done). His name is John and he makes me so incredibly happy. From the start, we've had an instant connection. And would y'all believe he's from Kentucky? lol We have such a strong connection in such a little bit of time that I'm so surprised by it and by him. I've honestly never met a man who was with me on the same level emotionally, maturity wise and also wanted the same things as me. I told him about Liam and the Autism situation and he still wants to be around. NOT that it should have changed his mind, but dealing with a child with developmental delays can be super stressful. 

He's divorced and has 2 beautiful little girls. He supports my modeling, he tells me how beautiful I am every day, he loves me just the way I am (you know even those things that us girls agonize about). He is kind. He's my friend as well as my boyfriend. I truly enjoy his company. I want him to meet my parents (:-O lol this NEVER happens). There is something so different about what we have. I feel like we're a team. I know it sounds crazy, but THIS is what I've been waiting 25 years for! He is all the things I want in a man: hardworking, honest, intelligent, good looking (at least I think so ;)) emotionally mature, employed (lol yes it's on there), caring, loving and a great dad. On top of those things, he adores me and accepts me for how I am as well (including stubborn and sometimes cranky like when I'm tired). He really cares about how I feel. He makes an effort to be sure I know this and I know how often he thinks about me. I've cried in front of him (no, he didn't make me cry).

 I was always thinking in the back of my mind that I would never find anyone like him and I won't lie, it is slightly terrifying. I don't want to mess this up. What if I'm wrong? What if he messes up? Am I ready for that kind of disappointment again? But this is a chance I have to take. I'd rather risk it and find true love than let fear run me away from one of the best things that could possibly happen to me...Me and John? I can see us hanging tough for the long haul. I mean the long, long haul...dare I say marriage? Like the title of the blog...he's the ketchup to my fries and I'm not letting him go anytime soon :). 

New Job, Nursing School and End of the Semester

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I have made the decision to quit working at the hospital. Mainly because I hate it lol and it is entirely too stressful to be the type of job it is! My hours fluctuate so much and no time in the near future will there be a chance for a steady PT position (which would consist of two 12 hr days on the weekend), so I just don't think it's worth it anymore. I tried it out, it didn't work and now I can move on. So I'll keep my freelance job at Benefit cosmetics and will now be working PT at Lane Bryant. It's a definite pay cut, but I told them upfront that while I am available 4 days per week, I will NOT be working more than 2. My Nursing class alone will be 14 hours of lab, clinical and lecture. Each component has it's own set of homework. I'm taking an MMA phys ed class just so I can be right at 9 credits for my loan. I know all too well from personal experience that when I work alot my grades suffer tremendously. I can NOT afford to fail out of Nursing school or have to retake classes. I can't and I won't.

I'm basically going to be working to put gas in my car (to work and school) and pay the bare minimum bills. It makes me sad that I won't really have any "extra" money. This will limit activities that me and Liam do and may even cut down on my gym time which Lawd knows I need. It means no more Asos/Forever 21 mini-sprees and REALLY tightening up on my budget and oh yeah, actually making one and sticking to it. The only other good thing about this is rent will remain low, I will qualify for child care assistance again and possibly Medicaid again (even though I'm on Mom's insurance...it's still too much for me to afford for dental work).

Things will get better I know this, but January will be a rough month. Less income and major adjustment. I also still have to buy my scrubs and some other Nursing supplies to be ready for my first day January 14. Mom has loaned me one of her stethoscopes to use until I can afford to buy my own (tax time baby! lol). I'm going to need some new pens, a new planner and a watch (non digital). Orientation is January 8 and early next week I'm going to turn in all my req vaccine info and my $43 background check so that I can FINALLY register for my NUR 114 class! 

Finally, I have 2 final exams and 2 papers left and the semester is over!!! December 11 is the final day for my last paper and I can't wait. This hasn't been a terrible semester, but I sure am glad it's over! My Thanksgiving won't be too eventful because I opted to work at the hospital due to the time and a half. (Whoccould pass that up?!) More updates to follow. 

Until again,

Cicely

Struggle: The Movement

image from http://shaneescommitment.blogspot.com/2012/06/virtue-lies-in-struggle.html

A lot of times (and a lot these days especially) I'm not always 100% sure about things. I've had enough people tell me that I inspire them and it FEELS good. It feels like I am actually making a contribution to this world, that I am not just some mass taking up precious space and Oxygen on this Earth. Even though Liam has not been officially diagnosed by a medical professional with Autism...I'm pretty sure he does have it. From the ADOS and ADIR tests at school and about a year of compiling observations and trying different strategies with him...I can at least confirm that the signs of a high functioning autistic child are there.

But I will not let this/these things define him. Above all else he is Liam, my first born and only child and an amazing little specimen of a human. I am now confronted with the task of getting him the help he needs and the therapy/help/support we need as a family to thrive. I have accepted that and I am ok with it. I just want him to be the best Liam he can be. I am the mother of an awesome, intelligent handsome little boy who happens to have Autism.

Then there are days like I have had lately where I feel myself becoming sad, disillusioned, unsure of the next step. Days when I'm just here...not actually present in the things I am doing, but simply floating. I am now tipping the scales with a 30 lb weight gain (yes of the 50 I lost). I have all these amazing plans to help and change the world, to be there for those who need it...How can I do these things when my life sometimes is on the verge of spiraling out of control? When sometimes I eat just to feel better, because it is one of few things I can control? How can I inspire someone to be better when I'm not even being the best version of myself. It's a strange place to be...

I don't define myself by my weight/size, but I do recognize when things are not on track. Whenever something seriously stresses me out, I pack on the pounds. This is not good for my physical or mental well being.


In my dreams/my thoughts/my goals/aspirations I see:

Cicely Carter, RN, NP, CPT and Health Coach (registered nurse, nurse practitioner, certified personal trainer)

Today, Sunday November 17 2013 I feel so far removed from that, I'm not sure how I'll ever get there. I usually don't get this deep, but today it was necessary. I feel like I have let my life spiral out of control...starting today I'm going to fight to get it back. I need balance in my life. Fun/work/personal goals/motherhood (i.e. time with Liam) and I just need some sense of peace and some help.

Help to get myself back on track, help to figure out how the hell I'm going to make it through my first semester of Nursing school and help to do everything I can to make sure Liam thrives...

I am putting these thoughts into the atmosphere and being conscious of what is going on in my life.

I'm asking you guys to keep me in your thoughts, good vibes and prayers if that's your thing...I need it today, I need it right now.

Getting it Together

A special salute to all the veterans who served this country and gave life and limb to protect their families and future generations of Americans and also the current men and women who serve and protect or nation's welfare. Hugs and love to all of you.

rando picture of me at work the other day lol

So I'm officially in Nursing school...NOW WHAT?

First things first I have to gather all my records of immunization and make sure I'm fully vaccinated before I can register for NUR 114. I'm only missing my Varicella (chickenpox) and then I can register. Then, I will need a stethoscope, burgundy scrubs and white shoes to complete my Nursing ensemble and an overcoat to complete my new Nurse student look. I will have to pay for my background check and then buy my dosage calculation book to get ready to take my first Dosage calc test the 2nd week of January.

Some things to think about:

Work is going to have to go down to NO MORE than 24 hrs a week. I will be in class 4 days a week; 2 of those days will be full EIGHT hour days. No games are to be played. I can't afford to get Cs or fail out at this point. Not.an.option.

I'm hoping I will qualify again for a childcare subsidy. I can't even afford to pay the $460 a month I pay now....no WAY that can happen with me barely working.

I will need to be looking into local Autism resources to try and get some more support/medical help for Liam.

I have REALLY got to tighten up the reigns and get my finances together...

*sigh* Sometimes being an adult blows lol. I'm very happy and super thankful for all I have been given, but sometimes I really get so tired of the back and forth and the ebb and flow...but I know it will pay off. I have to keep my eyes on the finish line and appreciate the process.

Until again,
Cicely

Cicely Plus Model Takes Seattle!

This year has been a roller coaster to say the least! With just my personal life and family life it was enough. I honestly wasn't 100% sure if I would continue to model anymore, my weight has gotten a bit out of hand, but despite all these things I FINALLY feel (like we all have those moments) that things/my life/my careers/my dreams are coming together. Like this is the beginning of the things I have been waiting for...

I wrote a while back about a collaboration between me and Liesl Binx for her Fall/Winter '13 collection. We "met" on Twitter, began communicating, graduated to Facebook, Instagram and the phone and now I'm here in Seattle and we have shot the first set for her line!!!! I met her amazing immediate family consisting of her mom, stepdad and awesome/gorgeous sister! I felt so welcome the entire time. This was truly a match made in fashion heaven.  It still seems like it's not happening lol. Here are some sneak peaks:

I will do another more complete post later,but this is what I have on hand for today! :)

Acceptance Letter

It's official...I'm accepted into the Nursing program at EKU! I was on edge for the past couple of weeks...I wasn't sure I would get in! I thought the 2 Cs in Anatomy and Physio would have done me in, but there IS a God and by some unknown miracle. I'm IN!

I have orientation January 8 and classes start the next week. I'll be taking Nursing 114. I'm sooo excited! Now I have to get all my immunization records together, pay for a background check, pay for liability insurance, buy wine colored scrubs and get my stethoscope! :) Finally, all this hard work I've been putting in since May 2012 is paying off. On this track I will  finish school December 2015 and be awarded my Associate Degree in Nursing. From there, the plan is still to go to grad school and become a Nurse Practitioner.

"When It All,it all Falls Down"

When it rains it certainly pours. I know that when things are bad they won't be bad forever. Let's get the negative news out of the way first:

1) Stemming from Dad's toe amputation 2 weeks ago an infection developed. When he went to doc to check in on said infection it turned out to be MDRO (multi drug resistant organism) called ecinobacter and he was kept. Next day turns out on top of Diabates,peripheral vascular disease, Dad also had clogged arteries in the heart. Yesterday afternoon open heart surgery was performed. He is currently in Cardiac ICU and doing well....the road to recovery will be a long one

2) I went from a low A to a D in one of my online classes because my simple ass forgot to take the midterm! I honestly thought I had more time than I actually did. Professor said NO to late midterms...FML! Now I have to bust my ass JUST to get a B.

3) I have now gained a total of 26 lb and I'm fed up! I've got to start TODAY getting my life and WLJ back on track. I feel like I'm losing control! :/

Now on to some good things:

1) Liam turned 4 Oct 16! Despite Dad being in the hospital he had a great day.

2) I booked my flight to Sea-Tac aka Seattle Washington! I will be shooting with Liesl Binx for the debut of her Fall line. I'm so fortunate and blessed for this opportunity.

3) I'm working more hours = more $

4) This semester is ALMOST over

5) I completed a boudoir shoot 3 weeks ago and the results are awesome!

Don't feel bad for me guys, just please keep Dad in your thoughts and prayers and send some light our way! Thanks so much.

Until again
Cicely

In the Trenches

http://rebloggy.com/post/depression-depression-quotes/31751357155

I have really been through the emotional ringer lately. There has been so much and I do mean sooooo much going on in my life. I finally complete all the diagnostic testing for Autism for Liam. I'm about 80% sure the results will come back that he is on the Autistic spectrum and that is not what even bothers me. What stresses me out is the fact that I can't be around enough to provide him a stable routine that would be ideal for a kid dealing with as much as he is. My work hours are all over the place and almost every time they call me into work...I go not because I want to, but because I know I need the money.This involves working 2nd shift, 3 shift and 12 hour days sometimes. It involved being so exhausted that all I want to do is sleep. It involves feeling like shit emotionally and physically due to the schedule wreaking havoc on my body and the fact that I'm away from my child so much.

Then, comes the frustrations of working all the time and still never really having money. My car needs breaks, Since August I have been paying 4x the price because I "make too much $" to qualify for child care assistance. My rent has also gone up and I honestly feel like I am only making enough to keep simply my nose out of the water to make a few labored breaths. How can someone with a 4 yr college degree and a year of college credits after possibly be THIS broke? It is depressing and so, so frustrating. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Modeling - I have a pending trip to Seattle that I don't even know HOW I'm going to make happen. I looked at this trip as an opportunity to finally take my modeling career up a notch, but I see that dream blowing away in the wind as I type.

Health - I've now gained bout 25 lbs of the weight I lost! I am sickened and saddened by it. I feel like crap and my release has been to stuff my face with food (picture of health I know). I am just so disappointed in myself. Starting tomorrow I have to go back to the gym. My schedule is so sporadic that I honestly plan to go to the gym and sometimes can't because when I work in the day I have to get Liam to school and pick him up from daycare.I have to, have to get some stability in my life or I'm going to see the same # on the scale where I started 2 years ago. I can't let that happen to me again.

I do feel better addressing these issues and fleshing them out on paper (well on screen). But I am just feeling a little helpless right now and that's a feeling that in not welcome for me.I am trying to be positive because Iknow things will get better, but if it doesn't happen soon. I'm not sure how much more I have left (not suicidal, but it is possible I will have to deal with some depression)

Fall - 3rd Year Blogversary

http://www.brainleadersandlearners.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/celebrate.gif

I'm sooo terrible with blogging these days and for that I apologize. I seem to have the lack of "ganas" (desire) to do so and when I have coveted extra time, I usually doing homework, spending time with Liam or simply trying to gain some extra sleep. This month marks my 3rd year as a blogger! I can't believe the evolutions both this blog and my life have had since 2010. I am overall in a much better place and am raising a child who will soon be 4 years old!!! Where does time go?

I wrapped up an amazing shoot with Photography and Design by Lauren 3 weeks ago in August and you can see the newest additions to my modeling portfolio here: Cicely Carter Official Modeling Page or here Cicely Plus Model Facebook . I'm so proud of my work and how my portfolio has grown.

Liam is doing well in preschool and speech therapy. We are having him tested for Autism and honestly what I care about is that we get a diagnosis and can get him the help he needs to continue the thrive and excel in school and life.

Dating - y'all already know that story! lol

School - I applied for the Nursing program at EKU and am awaiting that response. I am applying to one other school and hoping and praying that I get in somewhere for the Spring semester for clinicals.

Work - I'm still at the hospital doing registration PRN and picking up all the hours I can. I have applied for numerous Nurse Aide/Tech positions specifically for overnights so that I can work 3 12 hour days and spend more time with Liam. Jesus be a FT overnight position with benefits so I can finally gain some financial stability in my life.

So sorry for the delay, but I'm back and trying to get back to regular and meaningful blog programming :).

Until again,
Cicely

Cicely Plus Model - August 2013 Preview Pics

Check these out from my photo shoot August 31. Shot by the oh so talented Lauren Morris of Photography and Design by Lauren. 

Caged

http://wantcy.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/lets-run-away.jpg

I know I have spoken on this throughout my blog, but at heart I am a wanderer, an adventurer and I like to be in new places doing new things. My ideal life would be working in a place and then moving when I got tired/fulfilled my purpose there. That to me is perfection. Being a single parent and having a child thrown in the mix makes it super difficult to accomplish that.

 I have lived back in Kentucky for a little over 2 years now and I've felt trapped for the past year or so. I NEED to move, I need a fresh view and fresh air. Honestly, if it wasn't for Liam I would probably have never made it back to these parts.So I need to plan a trip. I'm thinking Europe because a friend of mine will be living in England getting her master's and I can visit more than one country at a time easily. What do you think? If you could go anywhere where would you go?

I need some new scenery in my life...

Until again
Cicely

This Heart O' Mine

Photo courtesy of :https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSIAOw7NFsXOnlHiyeFyNcw7X1pTYmsPvgZDF0YMz8hWFokLVJI

I have been doing so much introspection these days. Life has a way of making you think and think and think. I have been in deep thought about so many aspects of my life. Most recently, some things have come into focus about my love life and the future of.

What I have learned about this heart o' mine:

1) It's guarded. - This should be obvious, but I didn't realize it so much until lately. I'm bitchy, I'm hard on people and I don't take (what I perceive to be) bullshit. I feel like I have had to deal with so much dishonesty and lies from my past relationships, that I have to be a hard ass.

2) It's big. On the other hand I love deeply. I love fully and if it's anything but a relationship I almost love unconditionally. This love extends to my closest friends, my family, of course Liam and to some of my kids from my library job. I love people. I am an extrovert and I just love giving love.

3) It's determined. I don't want to settle for just anyone. I know and understand the quality of man that I want and I'm REALLY trying to keep hope alive that he's out there...somewhere looking for me too.

Those are just some of the things that have been rolling around in my head lately. Sorry it has taken me so long to write again. Be on the lookout for more entries this week.

Until again,
Cicely

Style, Hair and Catching up

 out on a Summer night

 style post accessories

 style post whole outfit

Outfit of the night- date night Aug 11, 2013

NEW - Rue 107 + Retro Pop Drss ;)

 new do' - straight hair dont care and ends trimmed to the gawds lol Aug 9, 2013

This has been a short round up of my doings since my last entry! I promise to write more soon. Class will be starting next week for me and for Liam! ? :)

Adios,

Cicely

New Start

image courtesy of: http://www.jobsinme.com/media/graphics/photos/articles/how_to_get_a_new_job_off_to_a_good_start.jpg

Hey out there,

Well you know I have been on the job hunt for CNA positions and well really full time positions in the healthcare field that can work with and around my school schedule and I've finally take a step in the right direction! I'll be starting my new position July 18, but won't be leaving my beloved library job until August 15 :(.

I'm truly sad about it and will miss what I do. I'll miss those bad as kids and the stress of programming and that damn grant paper work and all the other things I usually complain about.

In my new position I'll be a Registration Clerk at a local hospital mostly doing ER 2nd/3rd shift. Although this is not the hands on position that I will be doing when I find employment as a CNA, it is a step in the right direction and works well with my schedule right now (i.e. it came right on time). I will get more pay, more hours initially and they have provided for my school schedule.

Again, this is not my "dream" position (i.e. one where I can deal with direct patient care and learn the ins and out of RN duties), but one step at a time I am getting there. I am still awaiting the results from my state test and then hopefully will be able to hear back from hospitals and begin to interview!

If all goes to plan, no later than October 1 I will be working 3 nights a week, 12 hr shifts (probably 7pm-7am), still freelancing on the weekend for Benefit, kicking ass in Chem (the goal is a B) and working on all the other fabulous things I want to accomplish.

I'm truly blessed and I don't want to take that for granted. I'm thankful that although this is not exactly what I want, it is right now what I need! I really believe that all my hard work/struggle/blood/sweat/tears now will not only shape me into a better person and mother that I will come out of Nursing school as one hell of a Nurse (and eventually Family Nurse Practitioner).

Ciao,
Cicely

Cicely June 2013 Updates Go Fund Me Campaign

Cicely as the Face of LieslBinx...Upcoming Project

I've started a campaign on GoFundMe.com please com support and check out what I'm trying to do ;) 

Support Cicely as Face of Liesl Binx Fall 2013

This page is dedicated to my journey to travel to Seattle and and support a fellow plus size girl, Liesl Binx, as she launches/develop her first fashion collection (Fall '13) and as I venture to continue to gain positive exposure in the plus industry. Most recently I was featured in the international online magazine Volup2 (www.volup2.com) Grace issue. I'm still pushing forward to make my dreams happen. Here's your chance to participate! :) 

About the Line:
This sharp fashion forward sportswear collection can be worn by plus size women of most ages as the designs offer a wide range of flexibility. Liesl uses classic silhouettes with unique on-trend design elements to spotlight the fuller figure. Focusing on perfect fit, and fabric choices along with functional garment construction this collection offers a new standard in plus size fashion. Inspired by self-love and body architecture Liesl presents you with her debut collection.

Check out: www.lieslbinx.com

Updates: Half Way Through 2013

I finally am going to make time to get back to my baby (i.e. this blog). I feel like I have been cheating myself and YOU, my readers out of content, inspiration and the love I used to show for one of the things I love to do. So I have returned to redeem myself! I'm back! :)

There is so much going on I'm not even 100% sure where to begin. Let's start with Liam! He completed about 6 weeks of Headstart and had his speech therapy and got into a routine. His speech is and has improved by leaps and bounds. I'm so proud of him and so happy for the progress that he's made.

School - I BARELY creeped by my Spring semester. I will go ahead and admit that I bombed Physio again and didn't get the C I needed to complete my pre-reqs, so as 3rd time has proved to be the charm for me, I am taking it again currently and have a solid B in the class. I FINALLY figured out the issue: I couldn't take the class with other classes AND while working. Now that it is my only class and I focus solely on that I am actually learning the material and excelling! Sheesh!

I finished my CNA class, did clinicals and just took my State CNA test June 14. I'm hoping I did well! I was super nervous.


Modeling - I was featured in a major publication, Volup2 magazine and I'm so happy with the work me , the photographer and the male model put in. I am still working towards being agency signed and trying to use all avenues to get my name and face out there. I also have another project currently in the works and hoping for that to take off :).

Work - I'm still at the library of course, but am sure I'll be leaving no later than mid August.I love my coworkers, my kids and what I do, but I have to move on to pursue my Nursing career and to provide more financial stability for me and Liam.

"Love" Life - y'all know I have to put that in quotes lol. Earlier in the Spring I dated a guy who I thought was decent enough, that turned out to be not the right situation for me. I really need to learn to listen to my intuition. I know what I want, I know what I deserve and I truly need to STOP settling. I'm promising myself that I won't settle for just ok and alright anymore. The next man I date I want to be long term...I'm looking for marriage material, father to my child and future kids material.

That being said lol, I did meet someone new. I get a waaaay different vibe from him. We talk about deep things, things that matter to me. We talk about finding our direction and purpose in life. He is vulnerable and it shows, he's been hurt and we've talked about it. He's dealt with a lot in his life and I really like his attitude/outlook on life. He has no kids, he wants to eventually have a family. We both have a love and appreciation for good music. I think in most aspects he's certainly on my level/we see things eye to eye. It's really refreshing. And we agree to and ARE ACTUALLY taking things super slow. There has been no making out, nothing, Just hand holding and a couple of quick pecks. It's really sweet. :).I'm really enjoying this whole patience thing and just letting things be and not rushing into things I'm not ready for...

Happy Father's Day & A Letter to my Future Husband

I want to take this time to wish all the fathers, grandfathers, uncles and father figures who value their role and the lives they change and better every day. And now, prompted by something similar I saw on Instagram I wanted to write a letter to my future husband, Liam's future step dad and the father of anymore kids I might have.

Dear Future Husband,

I am so blessed to have you in my/our life(lives). I love and appreciate everything you do and you make me so happy.I love that you cherish our children, that you take the time to help them with their homework, give them advice and help to keep them on the right path. Not only are you my partner in parenting, but you are a great provider and think of us in all that you do. When you are with our children, I can see the love you have for them in your eyes. I can hear it in your voice as you speak with them.

You are truly a gift from God and I wasn't sure I would ever meet you. Not only do you love the family we had from the start, but your love gets greater and you get better as a father as our family grows. I don't feel like a blended family because Liam is our son and to me and him, you are his father. I thank you for everything you do and for always supporting me and doing what's in the best interest for our family.Marrying you and growing our family was one of the best decisions I have ever made and there is no one more perfect to share this life with than you.

Again I thank you so much for all you do for me and our kids and we celebrate you on this day and all days for all that you give so selflessly.

Love always,
Cicely

My Spring in Fashion

I owe you guys a REAL blog post and promise to come through on that shortly. In the meantime, check out some style posts I've done:

Society of Curves™: Face of the Week: Cicely N. Carter

Society of Curves™: Face of the Week: Cicely N. Carter: Model Bio: Cicely N. Carter is a 25 year old college grad, blogger, makeup artist, lover of all things fashion and a single mother to one...


Yours Truly ;)

What I Thought I Knew, I Really Know Nothing of

It has been almost 2 months since my last entry and I'm truly sorry about that. I have had some huge ups and some downs as well mixed in. But guess what I'm still here and surviving!!! Sometimes, barely but I'm here. So let's talk about the bad (and I will include a second post to follow) 

Motherhood - We have finally figured out the groove and details and Liam will now be attending the county Headstart until the end of the year (end of May), receiving speech therapy and will start full force in September 2013 in the 3 year old class. Remember his October birthday does NOT meet the cutoff here. But I have no issue with that as long as he gets the services that he needs. 

The education team (psychologists, speech therapist, occupational therapist and director of the Headstart) have raised concerns that Liam may have an Autism Spectrum Disorder. I'm not 100% sure what to think. They will be conducting more in depth studies/observations of him, but I am honestly scared. I dont know what to think. When looking at some of the symptoms, he does seem to fit the bill for Autism Spectrum Disorders...I just don't want to label him before I know anything. Even if the diagnosis ends up being right, I dont ever want to label him. So I'm just waiting to see where and how to proceed from here.

It just makes me sad, like maybe there is something more I could have done, but we will make it through this and become a stronger family because of it. It still makes me tear up even now writing this. I got the news about a week ago and it is still sinking in. I think the worst part is that even though my parents are supportive, they don't really know how I feel and all these important, life changing decisions are in no one's hands but my own. The fate of this kid's life in in MY hands. It is up to me to ensure that I make the best of whatever life throws at us and that he is resilient and comes out of  his childhood virtually unscathed. Frankly, I'm scared, scared as hell. I really don't want to mess this up like so many other things I have in my life. No matter what, I always want to do what is best for my son. He deserves the best and I'm doing all I can now to make sure that happens.

School - I'm still on the verge on crashing and burning, but there are still 5-6 weeks left in this semester and there is a possibility I can pull of 1 B and 2 Cs. Sad when I settle for that, but hell it is what it is. I am almost done with the online Certified Nursing Assistant class and am hoping to take my state test by mid-May (or right after classes finish). Then the job hunt begins for an overnight CNA position in a hospital. *sigh* So that means that my library job will have to go.

Sorry to give you guys such a brief run through, but I felt like I was keeping you guys out of the loop. I've had a rough time, but guess what I'm prevailing and I'm going to keep fighting my way to my goals and through the rest of this thing called life. As always thanks for reading and thanks for continuing to support me on my journey.

~Cicely

Rolling With the Punches

image courtsey of mmaboxingfitness.com

I am finally finding some time (at 4 am while doing homework as well) to write this post. It has been about a week coming. A few posts back I mentioned that my semester was decent in the Fall, but that I had one turrible and I do mean turrible grade. I try to be transparent as possible, but I was so embarrassed by that grade I couldn't even publish it for the blogosphere to see. Well, 'fess up time...I got a D in Physiology (YIKES!) That makes 1 of 3 Ds in my entire college career (sophomore and junior years in college were rough working 40 hours a week + 15-18 credits a semester in class). 

Because of that D I won't be able to start clinicals in the Fall. Even though I have EVERY OTHER requisite finished and all grades are acceptable (besides that one), because the D will still be my official grade when admissions makes their decision I can't start the program here until Spring 2014 (January NEXT year). I'm not going to lie, upon hearing this news I was devastated and in a funk for about a day and a half. I had a cry and then I realized that it is no one's fault but my own. I could make every excuse in the world, but I know where I went wrong. I was exhausted, suffering from lack of sleep and well when I noticed was my grade was headed south, it was too late to withdraw. So I tried to finish out the class the best I could and D is what ended up being my current legacy. 

I am now of course taking the class over and striving for a B, but boy oh boy have I learned from this experience. I am NOT Superwoman, I can NOT do EVERYTHING at once and do it well and I really need a break. With those things in mind, I have resolved to take this Summer off from school because I don't HAVE to go and I need the mental/physical rest. I want to get some sanity back, recharge, refocus on my weight loss journey (finally dropping these last 40ish lbs),  modeling and be fresh and ready to finish my fall semester and the 1 or 2 last requisites I have to take with STELLAR grades. 

I honestly look at this setback as the wake up call I needed to get my life together lol. I'm going to continue to kill it at the gym, be at least another dress size down by the end of summer (size 16 is so close, yet so far lol), focus on getting a job in my field (I will be done with my Certified Nurse Aide course by early April), spend precious QT with Liam, save some money and set a concrete plan for where I want to go to Nursing school and how I'm going to get there. 

I will be applying to some of the New York schools I wanted to apply to originally (for a Summer 2014 or Fall 2014 start) and every scholarship I can find. I will of course reapply here and my even start Nursing I in the Spring, but my ultimate goal (because my heart and mind are still set on it) would be to attend school in NYC so I can get both my degrees at the same time - BSN/MSN that is. Everything comes with a price though and not just monetary. I have a LOT of things to weigh in this decision, not only my career goals/aspirations, but the future of my little man and what is best for him. It may come down to it that he may have to stay with Mom and Dad if I decide on Nursing school NYC because the Summer session will be brutal. From May-August I would have to take 20-21 credits...but I'm not going to count my chickens before they hatch. 

I said all of that to say this: the lesson learned is that flexibility is key. No matter how well thought out/planned/written to a T your goals/plans are, always leave room for changes/unexpected events. Even in Statistics we learn that there is room for a margin of error, the standard deviation. So plan your life, create a solid plan, but realize that nothing rarely works on a linear path. I  liken my life to a maze: there was one starting point, I have come to many blockades and have had to turn around,  but I always end up finding my way back and closer to the next opening that is slowly moving me towards my ultimate goals (i.e. adventure/challenge). 

"Go Shawty It's Ya Birthday"

 I wasn't necessarily dreading this day, but I wasn't exactly looking forward to it either...Then I realized something...Hell, I'm STILL here. Not only have I survived NYC living, I have also managed to graduate college with degree #1, learn and grown in single motherhood, mend a broken heart AND lose weight. Now I'm back in school, working jobs that make me happy and trying to get my modeling career off the ground.  I'm happy to say that today, February 1, 2013 at 25 I am the BEST version of myself that I have ever been and that's f-in' awesome. 

Why I Think Being 25 (and beyond) is Amazing 

1. I love my body! Cellulite, stretchmarks, birthmark, spider veins and all. I have worked hard to be where I'm at and hell, I EARNED it!!

2. Wine - I love it, it loves me. We appreciate each other. We GET each other lol

3. Knowledge - I STILL don't know everything, oh yeah and NEVER well. I'm cool with that ;) 

4. Parenthood - Being a mom is AWESOME. I'm empowered, challenged, completely in love and got to grow actually create one of the coolest people I know ;)  

5. Relationships (or lack thereof) I have never felt so good being single and enjoying time with myself

6. Career - I have figured out what I want to be when I grow up

7. "Let's Talk About Sex Baby" - I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about sex. Hey I AM an adult (really, real this time) 

8. Risky Bidness - I take risks in my decisions, I expand my scope and consider things I may not have before -although more calculated than before - I realize this is my ONLY life and I'm not getting younger. I want to lead by example for Liam. That means living out loud and sticking by the actions I take and mistakes I may make along the way.

9. Improvement - I actively seek out ways to improve myself and quality of life because well...those things REALLY matter to me. 

10. Estilo - I have finally discovered MY sense of fashion and style. This really happened over the past couple of years - but I LOVE wearing dresses...body con is my BFF! 

11. Timing - Everything does NOT have to happen now - if it is meant to be, it WILL happen when it is time for it to! "Nothing happens before its time"

12. "Sometimes I like doing hoodrat things with my friends" lol - It's OK to get a little ratchet sometimes - only at appropriate times and ONLY when you recognize you are being ratchet lol!!!!!

13. "Bills, Bills, Bills" Even though bills suck, YEAH they REALLY do - it IS empowering to buy your own shizz. Yep I live in MY apartment, I drive MY car, I spent my entire paycheck on MY bills lol 

14. Let loose - Dancing around the house/apartment in your undies is COMPLETELY acceptable and actually high recommended. :) 

15. "Let your soooooooooouuuuul glooooowwwww" The only person you should aspire to be is the best version of yourself- I love me some me :) 

Cicely Plus Model New Stuff

My recent designed comp card:

Conceptual photo shoot - Me channeling the goddess Persephone