Autism & More

As I stated in a previous post, much has come to pass since my blog post last year. I am in the process of going from full time status at work to Per diem Pool. Being in the "pool" allows me the flexibility I need to be home during the week to take Liam to school, a requirement of only 40 hours a month of work and more hourly pay. In exchange, I will give up my FT benefits which include (decent and reasonably priced) health insurance and 6 credit hours of tuition paid per semester.

The truth is while I could use the benefits, I NEED the flexibility for Liam. He is in his first year of all day school. We have homework daily, he is involved in an after school program and he will soon be receiving at-home services. 

I feel like lately Autism has been taking over our lives. I applied for a waiver for Liam back in April 2014. We were approved April of this year. My intention was to get him supplemental therapies/help for his ASD diagnosis and essentially set him up the best I can to get the help he needs and to thrive. That process is almost complete. We should begin getting in-home therapy in the next month or so.

In addition, I applied for SSI for him as well, just because you know anything I can do/get to help him I will certainly do. I had an in-person interview to go over income, some basics about Liam etc. Then, we were scheduled for a psych eval by an independent psychologist or the SSI office's choosing. From that evaluation I kind of feel like I was dealt another blow. For the second time (and this time STRONGLY),  a psych clinician has told me that believe Liam may have a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. It was kind of like someone punching me in the stomach. I know it's not the end of the world, but I just feel like I'm barely holding my shit together some days.

I just feel overwhelmed and sad and disappointed that he has yet another thing to deal with. When I  grieved his ASD diagnosis, I had finally gotten to a place where I felt like I could help him cope. Where I could cope. Where I kind of felt like things would be alright. Now I just think "How the fuck can he deal with yet another issue?". Please don't get me wrong and think that I'm looking for a pity party here. I'm certainly not. I just never expected to deal with all this. More importantly, I wanted my child to be "normal" - whatever the hell that means, whatever the hell my vision for that used to be.

Now, I just worry if he will be able to have REAL friends, form great relationships with people, be happy, be successful (whatever that means for him) and thrive in life. How will he do when I'm not around? I'm almost constantly surrounded by worry of things I only barely have control over. Also, as a single mom I feel the worry so much more intensely.

Please feel free to share words of encouragement. I would definitely welcome and appreciate it right now!

Until next time,
- Cicely

Nursing School List '13 Revised

I have done more research. Added, taken away, considered new places and am currently going with this list (not in order of course):

My Top Choices - based on location, price, program 
(almost all of these apps HAVE to be completed by November 15, 2012)

1) SUNY Stony Brook - Long Island - has campus apartments, could still keep my car, child care center near campus, still in NY (not 5 boroughs tho), state school, 12 month program
*I am also applying to their 2 year traditional program just in case. BSN only

2) Pace University CDP program -bsn + msn to be FNP/ also has a 2 yr option and can still apply for MSN

3) Columbia ETP program - have to also take GRE for this. what seems to be an amazing program that would allow me to get my BSN, work for 1 year and then return to get my MSN and become an Family Nurse Practitioner which is my goal. From there I would delve more into what I would like to become my Fitness Nurse specialty. I think this would be the best professionally, but not the best logistically and financially which of course are MAJOR considerations

4) Lehman (now y'all know I'm a little anti-Bronx, but they do have an accelerated program that again would be at those great CUNY rates)
The info online about their program is vague, so I will have to do some more research and request info.

5) NYU- prices are ridiculous but it's worth a try. I need options

6) Still applying to EKU anyways for their accelerated program (not so accelerated at 21 months!) - not as enthused about this b/c I would certainly have to go elsewhere for my FNP

7) UK-again not accelerated, but what the hell


8) UMass Boston - I would still be in the Northeast, prices are pretty comparable to the other out of state programs I'm considering


9) U of Cincinnati - I'm not a Cincy girl AT ALL, but would qualify for their metro tuition (same as OH in state and they have an accelerated pathway program for BSN/MSN)


10) Drexel University in Philly - has a seemingly good program that would also allow me to get BSN/MSN. 


IF anyone has 1st hand information or knows anyone else who went to these schools, don't hesitate to comment/contact me about it! :) 

Nursing School NYC '13 or Bust

It's so strange because this time about 2 years ago, I was finalizing my list of law schools that I wanted to attend and studying for the LSAT...funny how life has a way of steering you in a new direction. But don't worry law school is still on my radar one day as well as my MFA in Creative Writing :). Mama's got plans I tell ya, PLANS! So now I'm at the point my academic career where shit is crucial! Like my/our life(ves) (hyperbole) depends on this. I'm taking 9 credits this summer all Pre-reqs for programs I'm interested in and 10 credits in the Fall (again pre-reqs). In terms of classes that will leave me with about 2 classes left to complete (Stats & Chem and possibly another Bio)

My Top Choices - based on location, price, program
(almost all of these apps HAVE to be completed by November 15, 2012)

1) SUNY Stony Brook - Long Island - has campus apartments, could still keep my car, child care center near campus, still in NY (not 5 boroughs tho), state school, 12 month program
*I am also applying to their 2 year traditional program just in case

2) Pace University CDP program -bsn + msn to be FNP

3) Columbia ETP program - have to also take GRE for this. what seems to be an amazing program that would allow me to get my BSN, work for 1 year and then return to get my MSN and become an Adult Nurse Practitioner which is my goal. From there I would delve more into what I would like to become my Fitness Nurse specialty. I think this would be the best professionally, but not the best logistically and financially which of course are MAJOR considerations

4) Lehman (now y'all know I'm a little anti-Bronx, but they do have an accelerated program that again would be at those great CUNY rates)
The info online about their program is vague, so I will have to do some more research and request info.

5)NYU- prices are ridiculous but it's worth a try. I need options

6) Still applying to EKU anyways for their accelerated program (not so accelerated at 21 months!)

7) Univ of KY-again not accelerated, but what the hell


Now you ask...how in the HELL am I going to make this happen?

*GPA -in all honestly I can't afford anything below a 3.5/ That is a crazy high standard for someone who is not so strong in Science, but I have to get there...
* with the help of Fastweb.com, I have a goal to apply for 4 scholarships for $300 or more per month
*those refund checks from school? Save as much as possible.
*HRSA scholarship - if I got that would have my tuition paid for, a monthly stipend and would have to work for an HRSA approved site for 2-4 years
*United Way here in Kentucky has a program to help people save $ for school, small or biz or a house down payment
*next year's tax return - in the bank!
*save money EVERY month
*apply for departmental/institutional scholarships at whatever school accepts me
*keeping this goal in mind...I want to be under $50,000 $75,000 in loan debt by the time I am done with ALL my education
*get kick ass Letter of Rec...I can only think of 2 possibilities right now: my soon to be psych or a&p 1 teacher and one of my bosses at work...I need a third...we'll see.

I have a shitload of things on my plate...but come hell or high water this will get done. I might be half crazy and emaciated by the time it's all done, but I will get it done.

Tales of a Hot Mess Mommyhood

  There are times when I seriously feel inadequate as a mother. This mostly comes from me comparing myself to other women/families and comparing my child to theirs. I love Liam more than life itself, but I can’t help but to look at him some days and feel I have failed him. I feel bad that I can't do more for him because he deserves it. I know that sounds nuts, but it is true. I feel like his life would have been better had I A) been older and more stable when I had him or B) if he had been born into a much different situations with two parents.

#1 – No Dad around (ok fine a 1/10 time Dad…he’s around him about 10% of the time and has contact with him about as much)

#2 He has a slight speech impediment and will be meeting with a speech pathologist next month to address and treat the issue. I somehow feel there is something I could have done to prevent or correct this, even though I know it’s just one of those things.

#3 Preschool – he didn’t get in. He is young for his “grade” (mid-October birthday) and none of the schools around here really accept children before the October 1 cut off. I just feel that I didn’t prepare him enough. I didn’t ready with him enough or something. I know that this is not entirely true, but I always feel like when I can’t provide him the best opportunities available it’s my fault

#4 I work 6-7 days a week sometimes…enough said. There are times I get home and I’m just so tired and he wants to be around me and play and all I want to do is lay down. I feel bad about that.

#5 Our family unit has been blended with that of my Mom and Dad. I feel like my sense of family with him is fading away slowly. Before it was just me and him with everyone else visiting. Now sometimes I feel like a visitor in his life. L

#6 The fact that I don’t have my ish together is an impediment for him. With everything that goes on with court, life and negative crap I hear, I feel like what I’m doing is never good enough. Ever.

                It drives me up a wall! I know and God knows I am doing the best I can with what was dealt to me. Sometimes I just don’t feel like my life is moving forward. I moved back to Kentucky 11 months ago and I still don’t have shit to show for it…ok fine aside from the 44 lbs lost and a healthy and happy baby. Besides that, my life remains the same: all work, no play, stressed out, planning my next move in life and to the next state and trying to get shit together. This is why I want to be older. I know that I won’t be living like this in 10 years, hell I hope not in 5 years! There has to be a better way. This can’t be life.