Tales of a Hot Mess Mommyhood

  There are times when I seriously feel inadequate as a mother. This mostly comes from me comparing myself to other women/families and comparing my child to theirs. I love Liam more than life itself, but I can’t help but to look at him some days and feel I have failed him. I feel bad that I can't do more for him because he deserves it. I know that sounds nuts, but it is true. I feel like his life would have been better had I A) been older and more stable when I had him or B) if he had been born into a much different situations with two parents.

#1 – No Dad around (ok fine a 1/10 time Dad…he’s around him about 10% of the time and has contact with him about as much)

#2 He has a slight speech impediment and will be meeting with a speech pathologist next month to address and treat the issue. I somehow feel there is something I could have done to prevent or correct this, even though I know it’s just one of those things.

#3 Preschool – he didn’t get in. He is young for his “grade” (mid-October birthday) and none of the schools around here really accept children before the October 1 cut off. I just feel that I didn’t prepare him enough. I didn’t ready with him enough or something. I know that this is not entirely true, but I always feel like when I can’t provide him the best opportunities available it’s my fault

#4 I work 6-7 days a week sometimes…enough said. There are times I get home and I’m just so tired and he wants to be around me and play and all I want to do is lay down. I feel bad about that.

#5 Our family unit has been blended with that of my Mom and Dad. I feel like my sense of family with him is fading away slowly. Before it was just me and him with everyone else visiting. Now sometimes I feel like a visitor in his life. L

#6 The fact that I don’t have my ish together is an impediment for him. With everything that goes on with court, life and negative crap I hear, I feel like what I’m doing is never good enough. Ever.

                It drives me up a wall! I know and God knows I am doing the best I can with what was dealt to me. Sometimes I just don’t feel like my life is moving forward. I moved back to Kentucky 11 months ago and I still don’t have shit to show for it…ok fine aside from the 44 lbs lost and a healthy and happy baby. Besides that, my life remains the same: all work, no play, stressed out, planning my next move in life and to the next state and trying to get shit together. This is why I want to be older. I know that I won’t be living like this in 10 years, hell I hope not in 5 years! There has to be a better way. This can’t be life.