Before & After

This picture is courtesy of my girl GetFitAsh (follow her on Youtube)....This shows my progress thus far but I still got some more to go! It's a struggle but one worth sticking out. 

Convenience

noun

1.

the quality of being convenient;  suitability.

2.

anything that saves or simplifies work, adds to one's ease or comfort, etc., as an appliance, utensil, or the like.

3.

a convenient  situation or time: at your convenience.

4.

advantage or accommodation: a shelter for the convenience of travelers.

Today's post is brought to you by "convenience", making life easy since the dawn of time. I have been thinking about this for the past couple of days and well it boils down to these three things (imho).

1) Humans will ALWAYS do the most convenient thing! Why? Because it's EASY. EASY is fun, it's good, it requires no effort. Like that Easy button from Staples, just press it and #bam!

2) When things go outside of what is convenient for us, chances are unless there is something significant to gain from our efforts, we won't follow through with it

3) We all fall victim/use this for our own personal gain to this at one point or another.

Lesson: I am the type of person who rationalizes the things that people do. I pay very close attention to details and pick up clues from what people do/don't say and their actions. I try to give muhfuggas the benefit of the doubt lol, it is one of more flaws that I have. A recent text convo with DD made me really think about this: When I was in NY it was convenient (relatively) for us to hang out those six nights in a row. So yes, I'm sure he could have found better things to do, but after all "Cicely the Novelty" was only gonna be in town for a short week.  

From something he texted me and gathering from things he hasn't said, I feel it in my bones that I was just that girl of convenience. It's one of those "Ain't that some shit?" moments lol, part of my f--ked up life. It's funny how I can take this all in stride. He may not have intended to be like that, but it is what it is. I get more clues than anything from what people don't say. I haven’t sent him a text message since Wednesday and am honestly just waiting to see how long it takes him to get back in contact with me first. I believe it is safe to conclude that he won’t be coming to Kentucky and I surely won’t be holding my breath on that one. I think he intentions were well, but good intentions are just that. I need action behind words.

I have an incredible talent for expecting the least/worst out of people. When they show me something else, I get a glimmer of hope,  but usually people live up to my low expectations. Sometimes I feel like my life is a play or a movie that I am just watching unfold. It's like I see these things happening or I sense them, but I am a spectator in my own life. Kinda weird right? There are a couple of more clues that will point giant arrows to the point I am currently trying to get across, but I will only write about those when they come to fruition. In the meantime, I'm gonna sit back and let things unfold as they may and get out my bowl of popcorn and 3-D glasses to watch as the plot comes to fruition. But like my man Jay says "on to the next". In my case, it's on to myself. I'm 100% sure dating is not my steez anymore. All I can care about is my son, my career and getting this $. Once Liam is grown, I'm changing my blog to The Lifelong Bachelorette :). There's nothing wrong with being alone, I won't be lonely but I'll be living the sola life and enjoying every minute of it.

My Dream Board Revisited

I can't believe it has been about 3 months since I made that board. I think, in part, I owe the time and vision I put into that board for some of my success thus far. Check it out here: my vision board.

Here are some of the areas I see developing/coming into fruition:

Momtrepreneur - when I put that phrase on there, I wasn't sure what facet of my life it would mean, but I now think it was so that I would be able to develop and  brand both myself and my blog. :)

weight loss - since that board I have lost over 20 lbs. That has to mean somethin, right? Whatever it means I'm happy. I claimed my vision for myself on that board. Phrases like "healthier family", "slim down", "Isabbody challenge", "220" (my goal weight) and "hot mama body".

preschool prep - Liam and I started a toddler/adult program and I'm sure he has gained something from it. I truly enjoy going with him every Wednesday and spending that time with him

love -well....I gave my lack of a love life another chance. I'm pretty sure the stars are still no aligning on that one yet. But hell if it works out and I end up never getting married/having a steady beau in my life, then it's all about me and Liam. Eventually it will be all about me and I can travel the world and fulfill my dreams all by my lonesome.

unstoppable - I included this phrase because that's how I am and how I want to continue to be.

What have you accomplished so far this year? What do you still have left to do?

Why I Can't Wait til My 40th Birthday!

Some people are gonna think I'm crazy for writing this post, but I am over my 20s. Dead and gone. Don't get me wrong, I DO enjoy being "young" but since having a baby at 21 and graduating college a year after that, I've had mostly work and hardly any play. I look at it like this: I can have flashes of fun now, but my main goal and concern is to raise my son upright and provide for him. Shaking my ass on a regular basis doesn't fall into that. So around 39/40 when Liam should be off to college or at least 18 years old...here are some things I'm going to accomplish:

1) getting my MFA in Creative Wtg - and I'm paying my own tuition or scholarships, but NO loans

2) traveling the world for months at a time and writing and photographing - that would be the life!!!

3) treating myself ALL the time. Weekly manis, pedis and waxing and hair did on the regular

4) working on writing a book about my life

5) still continuing to write poetry

6) hitting up lounges/concerts/events because I really wasn't able to in the past

7) enjoying every moment of life

8) being debt free or damn near

9)   dating...or maybe not! Just enjoying myself and the company of other adults

10) work on still being the best mom I can be and the transition my little boy will make from teen to young adult!

Pura Locura: Summer 2012 class/work schedules

Here's what my life is looking like May 14-July 6. This is a jam packed schedule. Sadly when I begin to go  to class on Mondays because of my new work schedule, I will have to miss my YMCA class those 8/9 Mondays until class is over. So I will have to make it up by taking other gym classes and/or going to gym on my own. I'm going to really have to start going on the weekends! *sigh* But Mama's gotta do what Mama's gotta do. I'm willing to sacrifice now to be where I want to be in the attainable future.

*Did I mention I'm taking Sociology online too in conjunction with all this other stuff? lol* - Also M-Th I will still be spending time with Liam in the am before daycare and when I get home! Won't be much though :/

Mondays
Bio 9-9:50am
Work 10:30am-4:15pm
Psych 5-8pm
Gym - after Psych (1 hr)
study 

Tuesdays
Bio + lab 9-11:55am
Work 12:30-4:15pm
Psych 5-8pm
Gym - after Psych (1 hr)
study 


Wednesdays
Bio 9-9:50am
study time 10ish-11ish
YMCA Get Fit Club 11:30a-12:30p
Work 1-7pm
study 


Thursdays

Bio + lab 9-11:55am
Work 12:30-6:30pm
Gym - after work (1-1.5 hrs)


Fridays
TRX class if NOT working for Benefit
spend time with Liam
Study


Saturdays
if not working, spend time with Liam
study


Sundays
church if not working
spend time with Liam
study

Wordless Wednesday

Mama's Weight Loss and Life Updates

Boobies, Booties & Bikinis

Since the onset of Spring, I have been eyeing bathing suits left and right. I keep thinking about with my transforming body what will work the best. Then I kept seeing articles about bodacious babes in bikinis. like this one : http://jezebel.com/5880552/brazils-plus+size-bikini-enthusiasts-make-waves or the latest post from plus size fashion blogger Gabi Fresh: http://www.gabifresh.com/2012/04/i-just-got-back-from-fantastic-trip-to.html

Now I know that I'm 24 years old and over 200 lbs, it is time to wear my first bikini! Sounds crazy but this 43 lbs that I've lost is really changing my perception of myself and the view I have of my body.

Now the first obvious impediment is that fact that there is NO beach anywhere near us! NONE

The second...but am I really going to wear it out of the house...AND have photographic evidence? lol

The third...what style will I wear.To answer the last question, here are some options I'm REALLY feeling:

  Monif C. Sao Paulo High-waisted Bikini
which is now of course sold out! $128

http://www.lehona.com.br/pdf/lehona_moda_praia_plus_size.pdf This is the link to the Lehona swimsuit line (Brazilia moda of course. I LOVE almost all of these, I'd only wear 2-3 but they are all well made and versatile.Some are even reversible)

I also came across this beauty from modcloth.com in a google search a retro option

So I say come on Summer. To be honest I won't REALLY be debuting my swimwear til the END of the Summer, but better late than never right?  I'm ready to debut my bikini bod for the first time ever :).

Do any of you out there have the guts to wear a bikini? If so how do you wear your bikini? :)

"You're Too Pretty to Be Single"

As I sit here in my undies prepping to go to work (kinda sorta lol) and jamming to Kings of Leon (whom I discovered listening to VH1 early mornings with a then-newborn Liam), I keep thinking about life, love and relationships. I swear fo' gawd if one more person says I'm "too pretty to be single" I'm going to f--in scream!!!

Apparently being in a happy, healthy and successful relationship ain't got ish to do with your looks. If that was the case I'd be married by now?! lol I'm just really over it. People keep telling me that I just have to wait and I'll find someone. I don't just want someone, I want the right someone. I guess it really only bothers me cuz I'm getting old as hell and I just knew when I was 16, I'd be married by 25 and might have a kid or two and be happy as a pig in sh*t....well not quite.

I'm pretty sure this is only an issue because everyone and they mama seems to be getting married or engaged or is in decent relationships. It makes me wonder if there is really something wrong with me or is the timing just that bad (ALL the time though) ? I mean, don't get me wrong I have my share of bad habits/bad things about me, but nothing that should keep me from having a healthy, real relationship.

Dealing with all the BS I have in the past between long term relationships and single dates I have been on, I know 100% what I want in a man and subsequently in a relationship. That might be the underlying issue. I have had so much of what I don't want that I am too strict in "requisites"? Shhhhiii I don't know. I blame my Dad for setting that precedent. If a man can't treat me like a treasure the way my Dad did when I was a little girl and to some extent now, that's a general sign of "hell no" for me.

In a relationship I only give what I feel is given. That has been my M.O. in the past. If your ish is not up to par, why should mine be? Now I won't even get into a relationship that has this kind of inbalance. It is supposed to be 100% from both ends, together we make 200%.

Maybe I expect too much from other people? I like to think I only hold people to standards that I myself can comply with and live up to. I'm naturally into building relationships and rapport with other people. This is where the notion of caring too much comes into play. Shit, I really do care about people. I care about how they feel, about the things they are going through and more. I put value into making sure other people are taken care of and feeling ok. Sometimes even when those same people wouldn't do the same. But what I can't seem to find is someone who will do the same for me whom I am mutually attracted to and want to be with.

I'm just going to stop having a pity party for myself and live. When I briefly touched on the subject to someone, they told me to keep the DD option open. I can't even get into that situation. I truly feel that is a disaster waiting to happen. I cant even think about a relationship track with him now or anytime in the near future. We, for now, will just be friends. That's about all the cards are going to allow now.  "*sigh and double sigh*

I'm not sure that love was meant for me...

Gretchen Wilson - Redneck Woman (1 of my faves lol)

Gretchen Wilson - Here For The Party

Kings Of Leon - Notion

Kings Of Leon - Use Somebody

Bucket List 2012...to be continued

I finally have some time on my hands to make this list of things I want to do before I die. They are not in any particular order, but dammit, I'm gonna try my hardest to make these things happen before I take my last breath! :)

1) travel to the following countries (and take Liam to some if not ALL) :
Italy, France, Brazil, Dominican Republic, Cuba, Mexico, Australia, Russia, Aruba, England, Ireland, Scotland, Fiji
2) wear a 2 piece bathing suit...oh and look GOOOOD in it lol - Yes, I do mean a bikini
3) become an RN, then NP (by age 30 is the goal for that one)
4) learn a 3rd and fourth language (French and Portuguese)
5) live abroad for at least a month
6) dabble in amateur photography
7) become an agency signed plus model
8) learn to sew
9) design/sew my own clothes
10) get my MFA in Creative Writing
11) publish a book
12) take Pole class lol (actually a lot of pole class.I want to get good)
13) spend an entire 8 hour day pampering myself (hair, nails, massage, body wrap, the WORKS)
14) do public speaking engagements
15) do something with film/theater/radio (acting, voice over, etc)
16) find the man of my dreams, fall madly deeply, head over heels, incessantly in love. then get married and live happily together through good times and bad...ehh right! lol
17) be proud of my body 100%
18) do a lingerie/budoir shoot for my portfolio and then at every 10 year milestone in my life (30, 40, 50, 60,70 etc)
19) learn to play acoustic and electric guitar
20) skydiving (would be ridiculous and I'm scared shitless!...this is why it must happen)
21) go camping and truly enjoy it
22) perform my own poetry in front of an audience
23) travel to an exotic location for a photo shoot
24) visit a monastery
25) design and have a pair of shoes custom made
26) continue to blog and build  a successful brand (that's where you guys come in lol)
27) be able to pay my parents' bills :)
28) go to Brazilian or Trini Carnaval
29) get better at ice skating
30) ride/drive a motorcylce
31)

My ENFJ Personality -So Accurate it's Scurry lol

courtesy of : http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/teacher.asp

"Even more than the other Idealists,Teachers have a natural talent for leading students or trainees toward learning, or as Idealists like to think of it, they are capable of calling forth each learner's potentials. Teachers (around two percent of the population) are able - effortlessly, it seems, and almost endlessly-to dream up fascinating learning activities for their students to engage in. In some Teachers, this ability to fire the imagination can amount to a kind of genius which other types find hard to emulate. But perhaps their greatest strength lies in their belief in their students. Teachers look for the best in their students, and communicate clearly that each one has untold potential, and this confidence can inspire their students to grow and develop more than they ever thought possible.

In whatever field they choose, Teachers consider people their highest priority, and they instinctively communicate personal concern and a willingness to become involved. Warmly outgoing, and perhaps the most expressive of all the types, Teachers are remarkably good with language, especially when communicating in speech, face to face. And they do not hesitate to speak out and let their feelings be known. Bubbling with enthusiasm, Teachers will voice their passions with dramatic flourish, and can, with practice, become charismatic public speakers. This verbal ability gives Teachers a good deal of influence in groups, and they are often asked to take a leadership role.

Teachers like things settled and organized, and will schedule their work hours and social engagements well ahead of time -- and they are absolutely trustworthy in honoring these commitments. Valuing as they do interpersonal cooperation and harmonious relations, Teachers are extraordinarily tolerant of others, are easy to get along with, and are usually popular wherever they are.
Teachers are highly sensitive to others, which is to say their intuition tends to be well developed. Certainly their insight into themselves and others is unparalleled. Without a doubt, they know what is going on inside themselves, and they can read other people with uncanny accuracy. Teachers also identify with others quite easily, and will actually find themselves picking up the characteristics, emotions, and beliefs of those around them. Because they slip almost unconsciously into other people's skin in this way, Teachers feel closely connected with those around them, and thus show a sincere interest in the joys and problems of their employees, colleagues, students, clients, and loved ones."

Flo Rida - "Wild Ones" ft. Sia

The Wanted - "Glad you came"

Fun - "We Are Young"

Travel Review - Air BnB

The best part about this post is that I'm NOT being paid by AirBnB to do it! lol I just enjoyed the experience so much I had to blog about it!

I found www.airbnb.com in a Google search I conducted back in March. I needed a place to stay in NYC for a week that wasn't going to cost much over $500.  The website is extremely user-friendly and uber social in that it's kind of like a meet up for travelers. You make a profile, can included a picture or pictures, type a little blurb about yourself and you can even include a short vid about.

Through a couple of days search I found the perfect place. My criteria was a little tricky because I needed a place that was also child-friendly because my son was going to be there for the first couple of nights. Once you find a place that works within your budget/qualifications and has time available for you, you contact the host and submit a request to stay at the property. I submitted my request for a 1 bedroom apartment in Brooklyn and was approved the next day. Once you are approved for the property and your payment goes through, Air BnB reveals the host's contact information to you and vice versa. I contacted my host shortly afterwards and worked out the details of my trip.My host was a lovely woman named Stephanie who has a property in the up and coming area of Ditmas Park. For the things I had to do on my visit, it was perfect! I was near Queens and there was ample parking. The neighborhood is a growing/changing one and there are so many little spots for wine and good eats. I was enamored when we first arrived.

My check-in was seamless. I picked up the keys from the neighbor and was all set. My host left a list of important phone numbers for me and kept in contact through text during my stay. I truly had an amazing, hassle free time on this visit thanks to the ease of Air BnB and of course the helpful efforts of my host.

Pros of Air Bnb:
*ability to customize a search for the right place for you to stay
*world wide travel accomodations
*great prices ranges
*hassle free payment
*secure payments
*user friendly website layout
*constant notifications of status change/messages from hosts
*didn't feel like privacy was invaded. I like the fact you don't have anyone's contact info until the payment has been accepted


Cons of AirBnb: 
*none! :) My only wish would be that I had the ability to travel and use their service more :)

Here's my profile over on their website: http://www.airbnb.com/users/show/1937441

Lessons on Survival

a sonnet - written by and sole intellectual property of Cicely N. Carter. Material is protected and cannot be used, replicated, duplicated or copied without explicit and written permission of Cicely N. Carter

Hollow inside and empty thoughts,

metal clang of gilded bells.

12 strikes for the sleep I fought,

the heat, runnin’ from the blistering of Hell.

Bewildered and dazed nowhere to turn,

faded smiles of happier times it tells,

of life’s hard knocks the mind begins to learn,

simpler a duty, to the Devil a soul sells.

Poetry Just Breathed New Life Into Me...

Omg found my Poetry manuscript from my Advanced Poetry workshop from Spring 2010...:)!!! It just gave me life. I have to write an essay on my hair and kind of do a memoir type thing for a scholarship contest to win $1,000 towards tuition...I remembered I wrote a prose poem about my hair and BAM! I found it. I'm so excited.

This certainly tells me that one day (in 20 years or so), I will have to return to school for my MFA! Writing and poetry gives me life I tell you LIFE!!!! :) I'm on a high right now. I will post one of my favorites right now!

Remember all these poems were written by me in 2009 or 2010

The Father, the Son and the Psychologist

I meant to do this post sometime last week, but of course my last few blog entries have been consumed with Lover Boy lol (DD) and my plots on how to get back to NYC. Liam's father and I had to meet with the court appointed psychologist last week as a kind of last ditch effort to get us to compromise, so that the Dr. could make his reports and I'm sure so that he could feel out where we both were.

Here are the things I realized from that hour in the ring with them both:

#1 I am 100% over Liam's father. I honestly have been since January 2011 (or sooner). There are no feelings of love left in me for that man. I don't hate him or want to kick his ass (as much), but there is certainly no love lost.

#2 That it wasn't really me. I completely take my portion of the blame in ANY situation if I'm wrong...the only things I was wrong for: falling in love with the wrong man, having a baby by the wrong man, thinking that somehow, someway (even before Liam) that he would realize what a good woman he had and want to do better, expecting someone to change on my terms and being unhappy in a relationship that I felt had no potential growth. He admitted that he cheated and that there was drama and girls calling me and that he told me lies. He told the psychologist that when I was further along in my pregnancy like (7 or 8 months) that he finally realized he wanted to be with me and have a family. By that point I just couldn't take it anymore. I knew with him I would never be happy.

#3 That he thinks I was wrong for springing the support and custody papers on him right before my grand exit from NYC. Maybe the sneak attack was NOT the best way to go about it, but it had to be done. We were not even at the point where I could have sat down with him and have a rational conversation.

#4 He thinks I'm bossy and controlling. Bossy, yes! Controlling, no. I honestly don't have what I consider to be a weak personality, but I don't think I'm domineering either. I'm the youngest child and I have a way of being able to get people to do what I want them to lol. I realize I am somewhat of a brat. If I don't get my way sometimes I am upset by it...the only things I tried to control between us was the direction of our lives together. I gave up after a while because I realized I can ONLY control where Cicely is headed. If S. didn't want to come with me, he had to stay behind and eventually that's how it played out.

#5 if S. acted like a normal human being capable of communication, I would be able to work with him/successful co-parent. I still don't see the type of effort I know he can put in...why do I have to do everything? *sigh*

#6 In hindsight, everything is clearer, less dramatic and not nearly as bad as while it is happening. I had to go through this to become a better person...

Nursing School, NYC and Oh Yeah the Rest of My Life

I have been mulling over this idea for the past couple of days and just had to get it down on paper, so to speak. I have been thinking this:

I should finish all my Science, Sociology, Stats classes here at EKU Summer '12, Fall '12 and Spring '13 and then apply to an accelerated BSN in NYC. I will save most of my tax return from next year. Apply for every scholarship known to man and bust it out, grinding my azz off, raising my son and actually LIVING in NYC. 

 Why in the hell would I do that? 

#1 The ASN at EKU is only a 2 yr program and even though I have completed 70% of the degree it would still take me TWO YEARS to finish...eh what?!

#2 IF I can make it work, survive monetarily, actually have some sort of help from Liam's dad (or not), can afford daycare and have my ish legit...I can finish my nursing degree by the time I'm 26 and have a BSN instead. I would then work and try to start my M.S. to become a Nurse Practicioner by age 30. 

#3 Modeling! I am NEVER going to have a career/ make any headway if I can't be where the action/casting are happening. I'm going to be 25 next year! The closer I get to 30, the less my chances for having success truly are. Even though is plus size modeling the age is extended out, I want to try my hardest and put myself in the position for any and all opportunities I can get.

#4 Freelance writing and blogging...the city! That's where its at baby! 

#5 being back with my friends and the city I call home. I love my family and appreciate all the things they have done for me, but NYC is where my heart stays and that's where I want to lay my head down to rest every night. 

#6 I want Liam to be exposed to all the culutral goodness that NYC has to offer. We may not live there forever, but I want him to know and love his birthplace and the place that I love so much and why. 

The school's that are in my radar to apply to: Columbia, NYU, Suny Stony Brook (way far out in LI) and Suny Downstate in Brooklyn. From the first 2 I know the prices will be exorbitant. Stony Brook has what I've heard is a great program but if I was living in Brooklyn that would be an 1.5 hrs driving one way! Downstate makes the most sense in terms of prereqs and monetarily, but their program is competitive and I have heard some horror stories about the administration! *sigh* 

Here's what the timeline would look like:

May- Dec 2012 in class at EKU

Oct 1 - still apply for admission into the ADN program at EKU

January/Feb - begin to submit application for the accelerated programs at the aforementioned schools

January-April - file FAFSA, taxes, apply for EVERY scholarship known to man for nurses of color, students 25+ and any other nursing scholarship I can find. 

January-May 2013 -finish last reqs for the ABSN programs

May/June 2013 - move to NYC!?!?!?

June-September --> start my accelerated BSN?!?!

It is A LOT to undertake. I know this and I'm not scared by it. A little overwhelmed, but if it means making this life happen for me and my son...I'm all about it...

Any thoughts?

Until next time,

Cicely

Piri Thomas dies at 83; Latino writer

Piri Thomas dies at 83; Latino writer

I'm so sad I hadn't realized he had passed away! Down These Mean Streets is one of my favorite autobiographies!RIP Piri!

Mama the Model 2nd Feature of 2011

Come check me out in the new Rack Plus Magazine :)

http://www.joomag.com/magazine/rackplusmagazine/0832058001333059036

:) I know this is what I'm meant to do, man! :) I feel it.

Poker Face

"Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(she's got me like nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face(she's got me like nobody)" - Lady GaGa

As much as I am an extrovert, I am very in tune with my own feelings. Sometimes forcing me into a dream like state in the middle of the day (actually sometimes during a conversation lol). I have the ability to slip inside myself at intervals and get lost in thought. This past week there was much of that going on.

I have finally found the problem with DD. Since he is still in the middle of the divorce (they are  separated and not living together), he is not far enough removed from it to move on yet. I'm pretty sure he is still in love with her.  I do think he is branching out and trying to forget, trying to bury those muddled, confused and scattered feelings he has inside. Which is where I step in and why he has been dating in the first place. I really should have seen this coming. You can't get over a 16 year marriage in a few short months. He is only 42, so most of his adult life was spent loving and caring for the same woman. I don't fault him for that. I have finally reached the point at the end of last year, beginning of this year that I can truly say I am 100% over Liam's father and the damage he caused. Still scarred, but I know for a fact that there are no feelings left there. I have moved on. I am also about three years removed from that situation. DD is not. Time heals all as they say and I hope that with time things become easier and clearer for him and that he can actually forge a new life.

He truly is a great guy and under different circumstances, things could have developed much differently. I don't fault him at all because I am a sucker. I am a sucker for a guy that treats me right and as much as I put up a front, I am a sucker for love. I was overzealous. I enjoyed his company,our conversation and even if only for a few short hours having the attention of this man. One of my fatal flaws is caring too much and it always has been. When I'm a friend to someone, I am there 100%. When I am in relationship I don't think I have ever given 100%, but it has been pretty damn close and every single time I am let down, cheated on, toyed with and left scarred. So that the next time, there is less of me in the reserves to give. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When watching Desperate Housewives a few weeks ago,there was a flashback to Brie (spelling?) Van De Camps' childhood. Her mother taught her a lesson about composure and never revealing how you really feel even at crucial moments when you are expected to crack. This is my defense mechanism. I refuse to let anyone,especially a man, know how I feel. When DD and I were out on our dates and he would constantly stare at me and remark how "beautiful","stunning" I looked or how "intoxicating my smile is" and there was the part of me that just thought "wow, he's dreamy" and the other part (dominant) that thought "he is really full of shit/how many chicks does he use THIS on"? He also complimented me on my drive, my personality and how I really am how he expected after months of emails, texts and calls.

It has nothing to do with self esteem. I love myself and who I am as a person. Flaws and all. What I don't get is how so many people can tell me I'm great, beautiful etc...but that no one ever taken the chance to appreciate and cherish that about me. Being pretty is great and having a nice body is too, but these things are fleeting. I want someone to appreciate me inside and out. All or nothing. I think the years of being taken for granted have put a damper on the more vivacious parts of me. Some of my friends tell me that I have a light, an electricity about me,something magnetic...I don't get how that is when I can't seem to find someone, the Right One.

I don't think that DD was/is "the one" for me, but I did expect this to have a little more potential than what reality seems to be playing out. It seems every time I am positive and willing to open up some, it does not work. As I talked about this briefly with my friend Katherine, at least I got wined and dined for a week right? lol (as I sit here typing this laughing and in tears). But that's not how I looked at it. That can happen with anyone. I like(d) this guy and it made it that much better to spend time with someone I actually wanted to. What I am going to do is just fall back. Less calls, less texts and an occasional check-in (although maybe not romantically, I would still like us to cross paths. Just to know he is doing alright and things in his life are better). It is totally my lot in life to meet someone great and it not be able to work out. I don't want to be a rebound, a second choice, better of two choices or something to do to pass the time.

I have learned a few things over this week.One of those being that this is the type of love I want. I see this man fighting so hard to save his marriage, to save himself and his family and to make sense of the changes that are happening so swiftly. I hear and see this pure vulnerability. His entire life is changing and to a large extent, there is nothing he can do about it. I find it admirable that someone would fight so hard. It proves how much she/their life/their kids and all this really means to him.   It makes me realize that in a similar situation that I would very well do the same thing. I want a man who will fight like that for me...*sigh* I'm a hopeless f**king romantic. It's in my nature .

*Side note* He is also an amazing photographer. In a strictly business way, I totally want him to shoot me one day. We were playing around with his camera one day last week and he got some very nice shots of me. I believe in his ability behind the camera and mine in front of it...we will both certainly get portfolio quality work.

I'm 100% sure it is time to enact a hiatus from dating again. There will be no more Match.com. That has run its course. I really want to believe that things will be different and that life won't be this complicated. I'm not angry or disappointed. A little sad maybe, but I see this as another learning curve. All I can really do now is what I've always done: focus on me and of course my better half and continue to give my readers some hell of some blog entries to ponder. :)

So to exit with more poignant song lyrics:

"Back to life,

back to reality.

Back to the here and now"- Soul 2Soul

Until next time,
Cicely

Miguel-Arch & Point-Official video HD

My Date with D.D.

As thus far one of the only things that has gone right about my past few days in NYC. DD and I went on our first date. I was nervous as hell and opted for my default "all black everything". In my defense, it was a nice midi skirt and long sleeve shirt with a little spandex in it and everything fit nice.  I decided to wear some nude wedges and add some more dimension to the outfitI really didn’t think I looked first date ready, but again the custody issues were hanging over me. I almost didn’t go because my mood was that down. Since Mom agreed to stay in with Poops (since we still had him with us), I had the night to myself. This was Sunday night into Monday (weeelllll into Monday –no NOT like that. Get your mind outta the gutter please lol). With the mood I was in and all the custody ish weighing me down I told him all I could honestly use was a drink (or eight lol) and nice conversation. And because I was running on CP time I ended up being like 20 minutes late, he didn’t mind luckily. He greeted me with that wonderful smile of his and a nice, warm hug. He decided we should hit up a little dive bar in Little Italy and had some great conversation over tequila shots lol (no really-again my choice).

I knew my feet would be hurting so I brought my flats. When my feet couldn’t take it anymore, he carried my other shoes (Nine West wedges and at one point I even got him to carry my purse lol). We finished the drinks and convo and headed to a little Mexican bar/restaurant that happened to be closed and the bartender was nice enough to let us come in and have some Margaritas since he and some friends were still there drinking it up anyways. After that we walked over to a little pub and had another drink and a nice conversation right up until the bar closed (remember this is NYC on Easter Sunday around 2 am). From there we hit a hookah bar/lounge in Soho, listened to music and stayed for a little bit. *Random side note* -This Haitian guy (yes, he told me he was Haitian) pulled me aside on my way back from the bathroom and was asking what I was doing with “this white guy”, which I politely responded that he was my date. The guy proceeds to tell me that he could treat me better and that if we left then DD wouldn’t even notice lol. All I could do was laugh. I wasn’t drunk, just feeling a little nice. But that was a hot ass mess! I digress. Back to date night: At that point it was waaay past my bedtime and time to head back to Brooklyn lol. He was such a gentleman and in true, manly, chivalrous fashion paid for everything, held doors open like he was supposed to, pulled out chairs, held my hand down some questionable stairs, helped me in his truck (or the limo as we jokingly called it all night). He gave me his coat when the temperature dropped later in the night and he was great.

We decided to grab a bite to eat at a 24 hour diner a couple miles across Manhattan Bridge on the Brooklyn side. We had hot chocolate and huevos rancheros. After that it was home time and he needed to leave for a class he had in the morning. So we headed to my sublet I don’t think either of us were ready for the night (well morning by this time) to end. He parked in front of the building. I stayed in the car until the sun came up literally, we talked, we kissed and I had an amazing time. We enjoyed each other’s company from about 10:45 Sunday night until 6:15 Monday morning. I never got bored and I wasn’t even really that tired. He is a Tony the Tiger Grrrrreat kisser btw lol. He also has some of the most intense blue eyes I have ever seen. We had a running joke about him having X-Ray vision and in a way I don’t doubt it. He has a way of looking that sees right into you, hard to explain but very captivating.

As someone who hasn’t been taken on a REAL ADULT date ever, (not even when I was actually dating Liam’s father) it felt good to be treated like a lady, a woman. To have someone put care into the little things. To have things done with no expectations is wonderful. I think this is certainly my most successful date thus far. I feel very comfortable with him, there were no akward moments. I truly think he was the breath of fresh air I needed. In all honesty, he makes me feel like a teenage dream…Yes, I mean the Katy Perry kind. You have to realize although this is our first “date” we have been talking since mid-December, so this is about four months in the making. I am so looking forward to seeing him Wednesday and hell, maybe even another day after that if his schedule permits. If nothing else comes out of this and we remain in contact and just as friends, I now have a standard to which all my future dates have to look up to and it is HIGH! J

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Day 4 #Nando25

See the lesson in this link here: http://nandoism.com/2012/04/04/day-4-nando25-challenge-the-meanings-we-attach-to-life-situations/


How I am going to Challenge the meanings I associate and create new ones:
What NEW meanings will you create for yourself in these areas?


LOVE - no longer will I view love an something intangible and something I can't obtain. I will love and try to become fearless when I am in love. I will give of myself to those who deserve it and accept nothing less in return. I will stop hiding behind my failed relationships and the scars I carry. I will emerge new, whole and ready to love and be in a loving relationship like I deserve


CAREER - For me this will mean being happy. It will not always be easy forging the different careers that I want, but it will mean that I accomplish a sense of inner peace, belonging and most important fulfillment. I won't give up when the going gets hard.


WEIGHT-  I will not get comfortable with this 40 lb weight loss. I will continue to lose weight and create a healthy lifestyle for me and my son. I will NOT let my weight determine who I am or who I can become.I will be a confident curvy goddess. 

Nando's 25 Day Challenge -Day 3: Scams

When doing this segment of this "better me" challenge I had to really look beyond the surface of some of the things I do. The biggest scam/facade/mask I hide behind is commitment and truly letting someone into my heart and my life.I just feel like I can't do that 100%. I can't relinquish that much power, I can't loosen up the reigns.

I know that being in love means putting my heart is someone else's hands to do what they please with it. I don't think I can handle the type of betrayal, heartbreak and mistrust that sometimes goes along with the ending of a relationship.So every guy I meet, I put up a wall. They can be a great guy, a good fit for me, but no matter what I sabotage my own chance at happiness.

I'm not sure that if I continue on this path I can ever be truly happy. I look at every guy that comes my way and virtually eliminate him before he has the chance. I don't want to keep doing this and miss my chance with a great guy. Miss the chance for Liam to have a great male role model in his life. I need to evaluate and reassess what I am doing and love smarter than I did before.

So what do you guys think about self-sabotage? Have you ever fallen victim to it?

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