Thursday, May 31, 2012

It's the Way I'm Feelin', I Just Can't Deny

Days like this I sit around and contemplate my life. I think about what my life would have been like if I was still a carefree girl in her early 20s without a child to care for. I wonder if my life would be any better. I wonder what I would be doing without Liam here with me.

I still maintain that Liam is the best decision I have made in my life thus far,but I have to be honest in admitting that sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. If you had asked me that 3 years ago I could have told you with a concrete answer, I was sure. Now I feel like some days my 20s are passing me by in a whirlwhind, like I will wake up tomorrow and be 30.

I can't lie sometimes I need a break. From life, work, Liam, everything. I wish I could pause time and return and press play whenever I felt like it. I know I haven't lost myself, but I'm just not 100% sure what being ME means anymore. When you become a mother sometimes your identity becomes so defined by your child that you forget who you were before that blessing came into your life. I remember I used to laugh a lot. I was almost always smiling. I had great friends. I went out and had a GREAT time. I drank, I pulled all nighters, I ate junk food lol.

Besides the week of dates with DD back in April, the last time I had gone out was in June 2011...I know life is not all about partying, but I worry sometimes that I may not be able to strike and keep a balance. I don't want to be that mother who is running out every other night and living it up and not spending time with her child, but I don't want my 20s and 30s to pass by without me enjoying my life as a woman either.

I used to be so sure of myself and have these awesome,amazing, off the wall ideas and plans for my life and now most of them can't happen within the time frame I would have liked. I'm not blaming Liam and I'm not regretting my decision. I guess sometimes I just wish I could have my old life back for a little bit. Being a mother has forced me to grow up,to come to grips with the harsh realities of life.

I now worry about moving back to NYC. Maybe Mom and Dad have been too much of a crutch for me. How am I going to coordinate childcare? Who will watch Liam if I need a night/overnight/weekend/day to myself? How will I make the time to study? How often will I be able to work out? Will doing freelance makeup even be a possibility anymore? Can I really, truly do this alone with all the crazy things that life throws at me?

I worry if I will ever really have a modeling career? How the hell will I have enough time/energy/money/resources to get all this done? What will this mean for Liam? *sigh*  I'm going nuts just thinking about it...

I have been at a weight loss plateau for the past 3 weeks. I have weighed the same. I fear I might be psychologically sabotaging myself. The most weight I have lost at any time is around this amount (44 lbs). I have been eating more and bad foods and being way less diligent about tracking my eating...Idk wtf is going on with me.

I hate being a worrier, but these are things that keep me up at night. I hate the feeling of lost control.

Mama the Model is a Slacker

I'm sleeping on my dreams here people! I was messaged on Model Mayhem a couple of weeks ago and fear b/c of my trife life as of late I might have missed out on an opp to walk in a show! FML! If modeling is one of many things I want to do, time to get my ish rigorous and take it seriously! I will be emailing the contact today for the show and if I missed it...I'm going to kick my own ass. More modeling updates:

*I'm in desperate need of new shots! Haven't updated since January - yikes
* need business cards
* need to work on my walk
* need to actively seek out ALL opps in my area
* need to prepare to submit to agencies by Spring/Summer next year

Uggh! Sometimes I am overwhelmed, but I know I can't sleep on this! I have loved modeling for 5 years. It's not a love affair I'm willing to give up. Single Mom, Nurse, Plus size model, makeup artist, MILF lol all in a day's work. I know what I have to do, time to put boots to asses and get it DONE!!!

I need some motivation guys! Throw some my way. Let it soak into my soul and push me forward! Any advice on how to be more focused and put all I need to do in action?!


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Beenie Man - I'm Okay Drinking Rum & Redbull

Khago - Nah Sell Out

Drake - Take Care (Explicit) ft. Rihanna

The words to some of this ring so true for me...*sigh*

"I know you’ve been hurt by someone else
I can tell by the way you carry yourself
If you let me, here’s what I’ll do
I’ll take care of you
I’ve loved and I’ve lost"

"Pushing me away so I give her space
Dealing with a heart that I didn’t break
I’ll be there for you, I will care for you
I keep thinking you just don’t know
Trying to run from that, say you’re done with that
On your face girl, it just don’t show
When you’re ready, just say you’re ready
When all the baggage just ain’t as heavy
And the party's over, just don’t forget me
We’ll change the pace and we'll just go slow
You won’t ever have to worry,
You won’t ever have to hide
You've seen all my mistakes
So look me in my eyes"

Wayne Wonder-Saddest Day Of My Life

I LOOOOVE my Dancehalll!!!!

Life 5:29

Wow! Can't believe May is coming to a close. I'm currently in week 3/8 for school. Can't believe I'm  almost 1/2 done with my 1st semester back! Grades so far: 83% in Anatomy (blah, just got an 80% on my 1st test), 80% in Psych (have to bring this up, was late turning in assignments from the first week) and 114% in Sociology (lol I shit you not, I have extra credit working for me).

We spent our Memorial Weekend in NYC and it wasn't as hellish as I knew it'd be. I found a new neighborhood in Brooklyn to love lol. Clinton Hill, which is right on the edge of Bedstuy, is gentrifying but it's a pretty cool 'hood with wine bars (you know these are my faves lol) and it's close to the A/C line and actually has ample parking. Plus,plus and plus.  Liam's father is still no better and we haven't reached any type of agreement, so to trial we go! *sigh* Liam seems to be doing fine after the visit, except the 8 mosquito bites in various places on his face, legs and arm. I wish those people knew how to use bug spray cuz they know those squitoes are bananas out in Rockaway!

This weekend had me truly contemplating if I want to really return to NYC. To deal with Liam's father, NO...but to accomplish my dreams and build a life for me and my son, YES. I just want to do the right thing for him and for us both. Sometimes I'm not 100% sure what that means. I know that I have to be better than I am now and be the best person I can be. I truly believe that something great is awaiting me and us and our lives. I can feel it. I'm so sick of being on the cusp of great things and not getting there. I am ready to get there. I have to get there for me and most importantly for Liam.

Also, I am really trying to narrow and hone in on the schools I want to apply to, continue to activate my plan and keep it moving towards my aBSN. Honestly, Stony Brook, NYU and Columbia are looking like my best bets in NYC. As usual, MIAMI (money is a major issue), but I'm looking at a scholarship program w/ a stipend through HRSA. So I'm hoping something works out with that and other things I can come up with from Fastweb and any institutional scholarship I may be able to get.

I have been really thinking about my next tattoo. I want to get something that has to do with Liam. I'm thinking L.I.A.M. on my right ring finger. I'm not 100% sure where to get the tat yet, but when I do I will of course post the pics. And for those you who know about my 1st tatt "amor y vida" you will know that it is going to be small lol. I have a low threshold for pain.

On another note, for real this time (I know I have said this like 2x before), but I am DONE with dating for a while. I'm looking at age 30 right now. Nothing more has really happened in that aspect of my life, but I'm tired of knowing what I want and not being able to get it. I'm no longer going to put myself in ridiculous situations. In a situation where someone still has feelings for another person, it will always be a lose lose situation on your end. Nothing good can come out of it...pero es la vida! I'm over the way my "luck" seems to happen and I have to keep my focus on things that I know I can change like the life my son and I are going to live and where.

Until next time :)


Saturday, May 19, 2012

Common - The Light

Love this! One of my fave Common songs

Ol' Dirty Bastard "Baby I Gotcha Money"

This is the illest song! :)

Updates on Mama's Life

I made it through the first week of Summer session lol!!! 7 more weeks to go. It feels nice to be back in the school groove. It makes me use my limited time more efficiently. I made it to the gym 5x this week and got all my homework done on time and till spent time with Poops. I think that's a homerun.

Here's what is forthcoming in the next week:

Work at the library
Finish an article for an online mag I contribute to
Go to Cincinnati for makeup training with Sue Devitt on Tuesday, then do some library work from home
class Mon-Wed (1st Anatomy quiz on Monday)
Try to get at least 3 workouts in (Get Fit Club M,W)
Study for first lecture exam Tues, June 1
Leave to NYC on Thurs-stay until Monday am

So as usual another jam packed week! I'm disappointed with my weight loss progress this week. I havebeen eating too much of the wrong thing and even though I worked out pretty hard this week, I'm sure I'll be up about 2 lbs. Blah! But I am still trying to reach my goal by May 31 and it is doable! I need to get up on my ish and get it together!

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Mama's Mini-Hiatus

So I am on day 2 of my self imposed mini-hiatus. I won't be blogging but once a week or so and am limiting and almost eliminating social networking until July 6! This is a tall order for me esp. since I communicate with most and so many people via social networks, but I must gets As/B this Summer.

I'm taking Psych and Sociology online and while they are not hard, require me to get things done on time and thoroughly. My focus can and will get taken away by straying to my networks. Bio will be study, memorize, read, memorize, study lol - Mom can help me study as she has taken both Anatomy and Physiology. My first quiz is coming up Monday! Wish me luck!

My goals this semester: get all As and if that doesn't work out that way...2 As and 1 B.

I am of course still on my WLJ and have lost another 3 lbs. I'm 5 lbs away from my next goal that I would like to reach by May 31. As you know my end of Summer goal is to lost 34 lbs to weigh in at 250. Wooo!

Liam is great and adjusting well to our new schedule which involves him getting to daycare around 7:45 now instead of 10! He stays until my Dad picks him up around 3pm.

I know that I have to sacrifice things I enjoy doing now to get where I want to be next year and beyond. I am truly excited about my new career. I never thought that one day I'd be a medical professional. Hell, a medical anything. But I am passionate about helping people and changing the lives of those I come in contact with.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

The Hot List

I just had to let you guys get a sneak peek into the type of men I lust after lmfao! I love me some white guys as y'all know, but every now and then I'm attracted to a guy outside the norm because of his tremendous talent or hell just because he's fine as hell! :) An important thing to note is almost all these boys are Silver Foxes. I think I mean 35+ and making it look GOOD! So all you Mamas out there (and some of you boys out there too lol), this is my gift to you! Some Mother's Day eye candy! :)

Gerard Butler -he's ruggedly handsome. Has a great smile and that accent! Yesss! lol

Lenny Kravitz -I have loved Lenny for over a decade. He is so talented and handsome and that BOD! Praise the Lord, that bod! lol

Pitbull - I have been a Pitbull fan since his days back on TVT records. I love this man. He has the awesome ability to reinvent himself and come out better and stronger and he came from the 'hood and turned his life around. Plus he's got those blue eyes. AND he can rap/sing/talk in Spanish/English...Dallleeeeeeeeee! lol 

Joe Maganiello (Alcide from True Blood) - should be against the Laaaaawww!!!!

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Olivier Martinez - there is something subtle sexy about Olivier. mm mm mmm lol
Olivier Martinez, olivier, martinez

Gotye - he is another subtle sexy. He's a little on the slim side for me. But I like very Euro thing and as I've mentioned before I am a sucker for blue/green eyes. 

Caleb Followill (singer) from Kings of Leon - he is a good ol' down home boy. Has a deep Tennessee accent, he's kind of a ginger, plays the hell out the guitar and a gritty soulful voice.I say YES! lol 

Patrick Dempsey - he damn near fitty (46) but he still got it lol
Patrick Dempsey

Paul Walker - I've liked him for a while too. HOT DAMN! and he's a blue eyes too!

Stephen Moyer- Bill from True Blood...yep!

Alexander Skarsgard- lawd bejeebus! fine, blue eyes and bout 6'3...he's a keeper lol

Boris Kodjoe - foooiiinnneee lol

Saturday, May 12, 2012

10 Reasons Why Motherhood Was My BEST Decision

1) I discovered love on a level I never even knew existed

2) Liam has given me the motivation push I need to be my best self. Being the only person in charge of another human's life will give you a strong push in the right direction.

3) I get to look at my beautiful creation every day. Many times in life we work so hard for things and don't get to see the spoils of our labor...I have gotten to see my "spoils" grow from a 7lb 5 oz newborn to the 42 lb hunk of man-child he is today

4) I have learned to enjoy the small moments. Prior to having Liam, my life seemed like it was so fast paced. It was mostly work and school and few drunken nights. Now I take the time to stop and look at flowers, animals, beautiful murals, children playing, dogs outside and small things I may not have otherwise noted.

5) It lit the fire under my ass to finally do something about my weight in a permanent way. I want to continue to be a lifelong example for Liam. Examples are something that are instilled by words and actions.

6) I learned how strong I really am. When I made the decision to be a single mom (because I knew his father was not right for me), I didn't know what to expect. It was scary, devastating, confusing and I wasn't sure if I could/would do it. Thanks to family and friends' support I can, I did and am still doing it.

7) Liam inspired my first company L.I.A.M. Artistry, LLC. "Life is Always Made". Without him being in my life, my vision never would have come to fruition.

8) Liam is the reason I started this blog back in 2010. I was much younger mother than I am now and was looking for a way to get back to my writing roots and meet with people and share experiences. I have successfully done that.

9) It has given me a new perspective on relationships. I don't tolerate bullshit right from the jump. I now not only have myself to consider, but also the blending and combination of THREE lives. I am much more selective and sure about what I want in my life and in our lives. No 1/2 stepping over here sir!

10) Motherhood has empowered me as a woman. I got to view my body in a new light. I created a human life. I grew a baby! How amazing is that? :) I appreciate my body. I appreciate the things it can do. It allowed me to see and experience one of God's many miracles.

To all my fellow moms out there...what about you? What has/have your kid(s) brought to your lives?  What positive things has motherhood brought to your lives?

Friday, May 11, 2012

Artists/Bands You Never Knew I Loved

Kings of Leon! - fcukin' love this band. Became a fan in 2009 when I first heard "Sex on Fire". Been a fan ever since


Gotye - recently discovered his music. A fan already!

The Script - have some amazing songs and well written

Dave Matthews Band - amazing music and lyrics.

Goo Goo Dolls - love them. There are much more than "Iris", but still an excellent song

Lady Antebellum - great country/pop group

Maroon 5 -love me some Adam Levine and the guys in the band are great musicians

No Doubt - have loved them since Tragic Kingdom. Bought that CD in the 5th grade.

Tracy Chapman

Madge! Madonna is the ish

Barenaked Ladies

Sheryl Crow

Shania Twain

More to be added...I'm all about good music no matter the genre!!!

Cheaters/Los Infieles

 I had to make a post about this because it has been weighing heavily on my mind...some of the girls at the library and I had this discussion. One of my coworkers is in a long term relationship and still deep down believes that her boyfriend will one day cheat. The second who is younger than both of us (turning 21 in July) was in a serious relationship in her teens and was cheated on.

I'm not the type of person that believes in absolute truths when it comes to people or the common stereotypes that we as a society place on a particular sex or ethnicity.  All black people are not good at sports, all Asians are not great at math, and the list goes on. With that said, I don't believe that ALL men are cheaters, but I'd be willing to bet that the percentage is somewhere in the 90s (and by 90s I mean 98% of men lol).

From personal experience, cheating was the most devastating event that has happened to me in the course of a relationship. That relationship was with Liam's father. It's not just the cheating that rips up your heart, it is the lies, the level of deception and the fact that you were not good enough to be told the truth by someone who allegedly loved you as much as you did them.

Because of this experience and several other less heart wrenching ones, I know that I can never trust anyone 100%. It's nothing personal to the next guy and it's not to say that I dont trust anyone, but it does mean that I don't think I can ever have that "Free Falling" (Tom Petty version). Cheating is a deal breaker for me every time.  It just makes me wonder about this thing called love and are there really people out there with honest intentions anymore?

What do you guys think? Does every man cheat? Does every one cheat? Should cheating be something tolerated or even expected in a relationship? Is fidelity a lost art these days?

Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know (feat. Kimbra)

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this song!!

Officially a Student (Again) & Random Musings

Hey  guys!

I have not been so diligent in posting this week. I have not really had much to say that I think people will give a sh&t about, so hey I spared you guys lol. I am still in the process of trying to narrow down the aBSN programs I want to apply to. My undergrad GPA is less than desireable because of 1 terrible grade I had in my 2nd to last semester that KILT it. Literally! :( So there are some programs I BARELY make the cut off for. I know I can write my ass off and will get awesome recs and I also need to kick ass on the GRE. Last, but certainly not least I have to get a 3.5 or above in my prereqs. Out of the 26 credits I'm taking from Summer, Fall, Spring I have room to only get 2 or 3 Bs...So yeah it's all laid out I need to DO IT like Nike!

This mother's day weekend: I'm working today and tomorrow freelancing for Benefit in Sephora and then Smashbox in Macy's. I will be helping my mom do a charity walk for her job. I will be working on reading 3 chapters and doing a journal entry for Sociology.

Bio and Psych start Monday. I am excited about this semester. I'm ready to kick ass and get the next phase of my life and career going! :) I want to finally be at a job that I love and get paid a salary I love! :) I want the flexibility and stability in my life and Liam's! He deserves it and I'm truly excited about being able to help people in a tangible way! :) I truly feel I have found one of my main callings! It does something to my soul to know that I will actually be able to directly impact people's lives. This is what life is about!

I will be posting one other time this weekend, but otherwise I'll be gone til next week! Thank you as always for reading!

Oh yeah and don't will be relaunched soon. Still working on making it perfect! :)

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Wordless Wednesday

I haven't done much writing this week. Forgive me for that! Wanted to share a few pictures of me and Liam today. It was the end of our Toddler/Adult program that we had been doing since February! I was so glad Liam and I did this program and I'm happy to have spent this time with him. :)

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Back on Track

Sometimes I fall off a bit, but I will not give up on achieving a healthy lifestyle for me or my son. I gained 2 lbs last week due to poor eating habits. But I know one thing, I'm BLASTING the fat this week. I am staying on track. I want to lose this weight so bad. I'm almost at the 1/2 way point. I'm not stopping now. There is too much at stake for me to quit.

I keep thinking about the things I want to do that are health/wellness related. I want to motivate people, I want to study bodies and the issues of weight loss. I want to become a personal trainer, I want to become a Nurse Practitioner who helps hundreds and thousands of people to avoid the same pitfalls that shaped the beginnings of my life and eating habits.

I want to help people live. I want to inspire them to do better and I want to show them how. In order to do these things...Gandhi said it best "you must be the change you want to see in the world".

So if you have fallen off your goals, need the extra motivation or just got stuck in a rut. Reflect about why you are doing this in the first place.Becoming healthier and leaner...what does this mean to you? for you and for your family?

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Nursing School NYC '13 or Bust

It's so strange because this time about 2 years ago, I was finalizing my list of law schools that I wanted to attend and studying for the LSAT...funny how life has a way of steering you in a new direction. But don't worry law school is still on my radar one day as well as my MFA in Creative Writing :). Mama's got plans I tell ya, PLANS! So now I'm at the point my academic career where shit is crucial! Like my/our life(ves) (hyperbole) depends on this. I'm taking 9 credits this summer all Pre-reqs for programs I'm interested in and 10 credits in the Fall (again pre-reqs). In terms of classes that will leave me with about 2 classes left to complete (Stats & Chem and possibly another Bio)

My Top Choices - based on location, price, program
(almost all of these apps HAVE to be completed by November 15, 2012)

1) SUNY Stony Brook - Long Island - has campus apartments, could still keep my car, child care center near campus, still in NY (not 5 boroughs tho), state school, 12 month program
*I am also applying to their 2 year traditional program just in case

2) Pace University CDP program -bsn + msn to be FNP

3) Columbia ETP program - have to also take GRE for this. what seems to be an amazing program that would allow me to get my BSN, work for 1 year and then return to get my MSN and become an Adult Nurse Practitioner which is my goal. From there I would delve more into what I would like to become my Fitness Nurse specialty. I think this would be the best professionally, but not the best logistically and financially which of course are MAJOR considerations

4) Lehman (now y'all know I'm a little anti-Bronx, but they do have an accelerated program that again would be at those great CUNY rates)
The info online about their program is vague, so I will have to do some more research and request info.

5)NYU- prices are ridiculous but it's worth a try. I need options

6) Still applying to EKU anyways for their accelerated program (not so accelerated at 21 months!)

7) Univ of KY-again not accelerated, but what the hell

Now you in the HELL am I going to make this happen?

*GPA -in all honestly I can't afford anything below a 3.5/ That is a crazy high standard for someone who is not so strong in Science, but I have to get there...
* with the help of, I have a goal to apply for 4 scholarships for $300 or more per month
*those refund checks from school? Save as much as possible.
*HRSA scholarship - if I got that would have my tuition paid for, a monthly stipend and would have to work for an HRSA approved site for 2-4 years
*United Way here in Kentucky has a program to help people save $ for school, small or biz or a house down payment
*next year's tax return - in the bank!
*save money EVERY month
*apply for departmental/institutional scholarships at whatever school accepts me
*keeping this goal in mind...I want to be under $50,000 $75,000 in loan debt by the time I am done with ALL my education
*get kick ass Letter of Rec...I can only think of 2 possibilities right now: my soon to be psych or a&p 1 teacher and one of my bosses at work...I need a third...we'll see.

I have a shitload of things on my plate...but come hell or high water this will get done. I might be half crazy and emaciated by the time it's all done, but I will get it done.

Friday, May 4, 2012

My Top 10 Workout Songs

These are the songs I love to rock out to when I’m “up in the gym just workin’ on my fitness”. There are my favorite 10 out of about 70 songs I include on my playlist titled “Cici’s Workout Plan” lol
1.        “Give Me Everything” –Pitbull ft. Ne-yo & Nayer
2.       “Look At Me Now” – Chris Brown ft. Busta Rhymes & Lil’ Wayne
3.       “We Found Love” – Rihanna ft. Calvin Harris
4.       “Rack City”- Tyga
5.       “T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever) – Will.I.Am ft. J.Lo & Mick Jagger
6.       “…In Paris” –Kanye & Jay-Z
7.       “XXXO” – M.I.A.
8.       “No Hands” – Wacka Flocka Flame ft. Wale & Roscoe Dash
9.       “Tonight (I’m Loving You)” Enrique Iglesias ft. Ludacris
10.   “Bon, Bon” - Pitbull

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Raising a Toddler Boy

I wrote this at the request of a friend who now has a 13 month old running wild around the house lol. Toddlers are a whole new animal. I'm not attempting to dissect them and study them, merely to shed light on the struggle lol.

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means a child expert, psychologist,therapist, guru or anything of the like. I am simply a young, first-time, single mommy who is driven nuts at frequent intervals by her 2.5 year old son named Liam.

What I have Learned about Toddlerhood:

1) It's NOT infancy. Gone are the days of the docile, sweet smiling baby you birthed. Long gone! lol They ain't coming back baby. We must now deal with this animal called the Toddlersaurus lol

2) Your child is forming his identity apart from you. He will rebel against you, but this is normal. "No" will become his favorite word and some days you will be his arch nemesis. These are just growing pains :).

3) What has been his favorite food for the previous year will now be something he throws, pushes away and/or spits at you. This too is normal. Ex: Liam used to love, love, love cheese. Now he won't touch the stuff...but he does actually eat burssel sprouts..hmmm lol

4) Some days he'll be as easy Sunday morning. He will smile when you wake him up, help you get him dressed for the day and even put on his coat...but the other half of the week, you will have to fight him, console him, coddle him, beg him and force him into submission as you struggle to leave the house on time

5) It is unpredictable! I wake up almost every day to a different boy...but that's the fun part..right? RIGHT?

6) I know my son loves me. Now "Mommy" and "Mama" are staple words in our house. I hold up a picture of us and he points and i.d.s me as Mommy. It makes my heart melt. He smiles his devilish grin at me. He pulls me back into bed to cuddle with me and cradle my face. He misses me when I'm gone. Apparently I am just as important to him as he is to me.

7) It does get easier. One day at a time and as he grows and matures, I feel better about the decision I make in his life.

8) Discipline. It is necessary! Or that kid will steam roll right over your ass. In true Black/Latino fashion we use a plastic spatula to ward off any bad behavior. All we have to do is wield this small instrument and all you see are baby buns running in the opposite direction. It's quite entertaining actually lol. Collectively me, Mom and Dad use time out, spatula and menacing looks. This seems to work quite effectively.

9) Male presence is important. So although Father of the Year is not really in the picture, Liam has my Grandpa and my Dad to compensate for the lack of testosterone. Makes me feel better that these 2 positive males are in his life.

10) This stage won't last forever and while I whine, gripe, stress and complain. When the 2s,3s,4s are gone, I'm going to miss the little man he used to be.

So rest assured if you can relate to this post, you are certainly doing something right! Raising kids is no small task. Raising kids as a young, single mother can be HELL! But it's worth it. My son is worth it. This life that I'm making for us is certainly worth it.

Poetry Pause

The following is intellectual property and original concept of Cicely N. Carter (April 14, 2012)

Of Dreams
written in a moment of realization while walking the streets of Manhattan

The smoke's haze lingers
over heads
like halos over fallen angels.

Cattle driven, prodded by routine
and aimless roaming.

One distant light gleams
like the remnants
of hope
in my eyes.

Tales of a Hot Mess Mommyhood

  There are times when I seriously feel inadequate as a mother. This mostly comes from me comparing myself to other women/families and comparing my child to theirs. I love Liam more than life itself, but I can’t help but to look at him some days and feel I have failed him. I feel bad that I can't do more for him because he deserves it. I know that sounds nuts, but it is true. I feel like his life would have been better had I A) been older and more stable when I had him or B) if he had been born into a much different situations with two parents.

#1 – No Dad around (ok fine a 1/10 time Dad…he’s around him about 10% of the time and has contact with him about as much)
#2 He has a slight speech impediment and will be meeting with a speech pathologist next month to address and treat the issue. I somehow feel there is something I could have done to prevent or correct this, even though I know it’s just one of those things.
#3 Preschool – he didn’t get in. He is young for his “grade” (mid-October birthday) and none of the schools around here really accept children before the October 1 cut off. I just feel that I didn’t prepare him enough. I didn’t ready with him enough or something. I know that this is not entirely true, but I always feel like when I can’t provide him the best opportunities available it’s my fault
#4 I work 6-7 days a week sometimes…enough said. There are times I get home and I’m just so tired and he wants to be around me and play and all I want to do is lay down. I feel bad about that.
#5 Our family unit has been blended with that of my Mom and Dad. I feel like my sense of family with him is fading away slowly. Before it was just me and him with everyone else visiting. Now sometimes I feel like a visitor in his life. L
#6 The fact that I don’t have my ish together is an impediment for him. With everything that goes on with court, life and negative crap I hear, I feel like what I’m doing is never good enough. Ever.

                It drives me up a wall! I know and God knows I am doing the best I can with what was dealt to me. Sometimes I just don’t feel like my life is moving forward. I moved back to Kentucky 11 months ago and I still don’t have shit to show for it…ok fine aside from the 44 lbs lost and a healthy and happy baby. Besides that, my life remains the same: all work, no play, stressed out, planning my next move in life and to the next state and trying to get shit together. This is why I want to be older. I know that I won’t be living like this in 10 years, hell I hope not in 5 years! There has to be a better way. This can’t be life. 

B.o.B - Don't Let Me Fall

My new theme song

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

My Own Self-Proclaimed: Hot Mama Body Challenge

Today marks day 1 of a 90 day or about 3 month challenge I am doing for myself. I still can't believe I have lost 44 lbs in 9 months. I lost a toddler (literally! - Liam weighs 42 lbs). I have a very specific goal and that is to lose 35 lbs during this time (May 1-August 1). I want it bad! When I lose this weight, it will put me at 30 lbs to goal. I will treat myself with a photo shoot and I will be at a total weight loss of 78 lbs. What the challenge will consist of:

*Working out AT LEAST 4x/week. Even with school, I am trying to bump it up to 5x (maybe not 5 days, but I will have to do some 2a days if I can)
* Having 2 cleanse days with Isagenix per week. They will have to be hybrid cleanse days (i will eat only fruit and veggies along with the Cleanse for Life powder that day)
* being extra diligent with the calorie counting
* water, water, water - I have fallen off with my water consumption. Need to pump that back up in a hurry
*limiting any sugary drink to 1 8oz serving a week or less
*put more variety into my workout. I don't want my body to get stuck in a rut and neither do I! :)
*I will do measurements and weigh ins (today, Day 15, Day 30, Day 45, Day 60, Day 75, Day 90)

This is me day 1 of challenge 285.2 lbs

Any suggestions on what to do? What not to do? I'm really trying to jumpstart my body and my routine again and blast this fat! Leave your comments and ideas :).