Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Blame Game

From a recent Facebook discussion among women that I know, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about my previous relationships, what went wrong and how and most importantly who is to blame? My friend Monica said in her piece for the discussion something similar to that no matter how a relationship ends, both parties have to stake their claim in the ending of the relationship. There is never one completely "clean" party. I believe this is true as well. So before you go all "what the hell is she talking about?", hear me out.

The biggest example I have both recent and most significant is the time I wasted (yes, I still do think it was ultimately a waste of time, though I did learn valuable life lesson) with Liam's "father". Alot of wrong things went down in that relationship and in all honesty, it started with me. I knew deep down he was NOT the right one for me, but in the beginning he treated me well. We went out, he bought me things, he treated me the way I thought I deserved to be treated. I was 19 and it was only my 2nd serious relationship & I thought maybe this was what love really was. Then, came the baby mama drama, the text messages from random girls, the random drive by internet posts on his various social media pages and slowly but sruely shit began to deteriorate. I became more and more unhappy as the months and weeks passed by.

I was in love and for a little while believed some of the dumb shit and ridiculous stories he would tell me. I was such a fucking idiot- NO! really, don't sugarcoat it! I was. That was my biggest fuck-up, that was how I led to the ending of our relationship. I loved too hard, trusted too much and didn't walk away when my gut told me to do so. There were red flags, screaming horns and writing on the wall and I ignored it all. My final and ultimate moment of revelation came when I found out I was pregnant with Liam. When I knew there was no chance of us raising this baby together, no chance of us living together, no chance of me having a family with this dude and of course NO chance of us ever getting married, I realized that it wasn't what I wanted.

I reevaluated my life during those months of pregnancy and realized if the love I had felt for this man at one point were reciprocated, I wouldn't be pregnant and alone. I wouldnt be broke and figuring out how I'm going to move and where I'm going to live with my newborn baby. I wouldn't have had any of the negative experiences I did during my pregnancy. Things just became so clear and I felt so fucking dumb. It took 2.5 years to realize and confront and face the same things my parents and friends told me. WOW!

So I blame him for being such an asshole and taking advantage of the things I gave to him and the love I thought we shared, but I place the blame solely on myself for being the idiot that stuck around and continued to be mistreated. He should have never called me out of my name, he should have never pushed me when I was 7 months pregnant with my son, he should have never been cheating on me various time throughout our rocky relationship, he shouldn't have ever disrepected me,my family or my friends. I shouldn't have believed anything he said the times he came in late from work with me waiting for him and not able to sleep becuase I was worried and pissed. But most importantly, I NEVER should have tolerated that shit!!!

I now see what I want, deserve and will tolerate in a relationship. My tolerance for bullshit is so low, I don't know if I can ever be in another relationship. I see people much clearer now and when I see a negative picture I run clear in the opposite direction!

I know my worth now and I know how I want to be treated. At this point, it's not just me I need to think about, but also the most important person in my life, Liam. I can not afford to be in another unhealthy situation. Who cares about how it affects me? I care about the potential damage and danger it has for Liam. I will always listen to my gut, because it is never wrong.
So what about you? Who was to blame in the dissolution of your marriage/relationship? Do you accept blame for your role in the situation? How do you feel about it and what have you learned?

Until again,

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

11/26 (W 14) Weigh-in & Measurement Update!

Here is my vid on Youtube detailing my weigh-in for Week 14 (Nov 26,2011)

Weight Loss/Goals Stats:

*15.2 lbs to reach 295 lb goal by December 31

* Total loss of 18.6 lbs

* 90 lbs to final goal

Measurement Stats

Aug 30, 2011                                               Nov 28, 2011

Bust : 52                                                        Bust: 49 (-3)
Waist: 54                                                       Waist: 49 (-5)
Hips: 60                                                         Hips: 55 (-5)
Arms (r- upper): 19                                        Arms: 18.5 (-0.5)
Thighs (r): 34                                                  Thighs: 31 (-3)

That is a total loss of 16.5 inches in 3 months! Wow! If I continue at this rate by 6 months I will have lost 33 inches overall!  

Sunday, November 27, 2011

To Hell & Back - A Week of Updates!

1st order of business: Hope you all had an awesome Thanksgiving. 2nd: I want to send a special shout out to Shannon (youtube: thehairdoc) for taking the time out to not only msg me on YT, but to offer words of encouragement as well. It ignites a new fire in you when strangers reach out and for that I thank you! :)

Wow! It's Sunday and a little more than a week has gone by since my last post. Life has changed a bit since then. I think I should just start by getting the bad news out of the way:

*We did make it to NYC and I swear out of the times I have driven there, this was certainly THE longest.

*I spent almost all of my paycheck! Yeah I mean literally: hotel room for 1 night, gas all the way up, tolls, food - yeah it's ridiculous

*I learned that I can't trust ANYONE & I do mean ANYONE. It is too much detail to get into here, but it's truly ridiculous the things people go through to "protect" their children. I'm not going to lie. I'm the baby of the family and I was/am spoiled sometimes, but my parents made/make sure I appreciate the things they have done. They give me enough room to live MY life and raise My son and make my own decisions. I don't need Mom & Dad to hold my hand. I have never been nor will I ever be a coward and I am truly tired of people testing me and my patience. If you have a child, RAISE them. If they need something, PROVIDE it. That's YOUR job. As I have stated before, we(me & Liam) are doing AMAZING by ourselves. He has the best set of grandparents, great grandparents & people who love him that I've ever known. No amount of trickery is going to take that away. I will NOT let anyone take my child's solid foundation away. If you are not doing what is best for him, you are detrimental to the process. Step aside and let REAL PARENTS DO THEIR JOB. #endrant

*Having to deal with all sorts of ignorance

*although Poops didn't cry when we dropped him off, he was clingy the WHOLE next day!

*I only got to see a couple of my friends

The positives:
* I got to see my Gordito (Adam - my nephew) I love that boy! He is so big and chunky & handsome lol. I call him Chino too - he could pass for an Asian baby!

*got to spend bonding time with Mom - wben I am angry sometimes I take it out on EVERYONE & Mom makes sure I cut that shit out REAL quick. She is my rock

* i bought some new boots from Nine West outlet on STEEP discount

*got my African oil in Egyptian Musk form 125th street lol

*my baby came back from the visit physically unscathed, we have yet to see any emotional damage (aside from extreme seperation anxiety)

*had a nice Thanksgiving dinner courtesy of Adam's mommy

*got to see my sister from another mister/Liam's godmommy/aunt/daddy Monica

*got to see Thomas (aka PedoBear lol)

* lost another 3lbs

and what is most importantly (lmao) : I didn't have to choke that hoe! :)

The emotional ups and downs of this week were ridiculous and I'm sooo glad it's over. My life can go back to some semblence of normalcy - for now. Next court date for custody is Dec 9, i.e. right around the corner. Much to do between now & then...Ready for battle as usual...more posts to come later this week.

Until again,

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Refocusing and No Longer Doing ANYTHING 1/2 Assed!

I took some time this weekend to TRULY reflect on my life and where things are going. I'm 23, almost 24, and I just can't seem to get out of this life rut. When one thing goes well, all other things go by the wayside. I realized I am the ONLY thing curtailing my own success. Anyone who ever started their own company had to put in work! I have been so caught up in loathing some aspects of my life and trying to wish my way into a better one that I have been doing NOTHING to improve it!

The change starts with and within me. These next few months I am going to delegate just 10-15 hours per week developing my business and my blog. I will alot out time for work and get things done. I am ready to take my life and my careers to new levels and I am the one stopping me from getting there. The most bitter thing to swallow for those who have ill will towards you is YOUR success! I'm going to title this phase of my life: New Year, New Me, New Body, New Mind. I want to do a complete change of how I have been doing things in the past!

For L.I.A.M. Artistry, LLC
* I will create online visibility through youtube, facebook, modelmayhem and increase traffic on my website
* I will do a tutorial every week via YT showcasing makeup application on myself or a subject (under LIAM Artistry, not MissCicelyCarter)
* try to give the company a seperate identity apart from me
* I will revamp my website
*I'm going to enlist the help of a friend from high school who has his own advertising company to tie together the missing pieces
* build my kit (incl all new brushes)
*advertise and network the hell outta myself.
* I have a goal to make $3,000 in this business next yr. That is about $250/month. Totally doable!

For Single Momtrepenuer brand
* I'm enlisting the help of a fellow mommy blogger "Being Mrs. Jones" to redesign and redefine my blog image. I believe I have finally found my niche in the blogging world. (That will happen in January/February next yr) I was thinking of making this blog a dot com, but until I am generating hits and revenue like can wait lol
* blog consistently! 3-5x/week
*have contests and giveaways
* the subjects covered on my blog will be something like this (I will have a menu with tabs! ^_^)L
About Me - a couple of paragraph explaining who i am, purpose of blog, my intentions, my life etc; The Mom - posts/pics of and relating to raising Liam, being a single mom, the struggle, the joys, the frustrations, Liam's milestones, the preschool process etc; The Makeup Artist- will talk about my adventures in freelancing, feature client (vids and pics), makeup trends, makeup reviews etc; The Weight loss Journey - all about my goal to reach a size 16, become healthy and be a successful plus size model.

Plus Size Modeling Career
*time to REALLY be serious
* toning my body is one facet only
*goal: do a photoshoot every 2-3 months (starting February)
*skin care regimen
*FFF Week 2012
* practice walking in heels again
*practice FACE
*practice runway walk

All this will be mine cuz I claim it. Now it is time to get my friends and family on board. I need all the support I can get. This begins today! Let's get it family. I'm not chasing dreams, I'm making them happen! Ms. Carter is about to be REAL busy!

Friday, November 18, 2011

It Was a Happy Day for Happy Feet 2!

Liam, Dad and I all went for an afternoon treat of Happy Feet 2 and Applebee's. I had a great day w/ 2 great men. I needed a day out and glad I got to enjoy it with them. I don't ask for much, I truly don't. It's moments like this I truly appreciate and am thankful for what I have.

<3 Cicely

A Mix of Feelings

So I have been dreading this trip since I knew about it last month and now the time is almost here. Liam's Thanksgiving visit to see his "father". People who don't know me may always wonder why I am such a Negative Nancy when it comes to this issue?
Here are the reasons:
1) the missing genetic piece in this equation has not had ANY sort of contact with Liam since April; no phone calls, no emails about him, no NOTHING

2) he is still behind on child support and ONLY began to pay child support b/c it was court ordered & the garnished it from his wages; prior to that in 18 months he had given me and Liam 2 small packs of diapers, $80 and yeeeaaaah that's about it

3) he is an idiot! there is no reasoning, no negotiating with this guy. He wants to have control over this situation. YET he has done nothing to augment the daily care, physical/mental development of my son and still feels it's his "right" to tell me what to do and how WE should live our lives.

4) I moved out of NYC b/c I could/can no longer afford to live there, he straight up  lied to the judge and told her I took him away w/o letting him know. His WHOLE family including him had known since last Christmas

5) I honestly feel he can't add anything positive to Liam's life: he can't teach him to be a better person, he can't teach him to be a real man, he can't teach him to be a father, he's not even intelligent and conscious enough to appreciate and understand the value of education.

He has fulfilled his role as a sperm donor, now if he will step aside and let me continue with REAL parenting, I have no objections to that! These are honest feelings and opinions, if you don't believe in my parenting style/ability, then that is on you. I know my son and I know my situation and this is currently what it is for us.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Afro-Kinky - Hair Chronicles

Since getting my last relaxer in 2007  and going through much trial and error I have come to appreciate the unique texture of my hair and its complexities. One thing that I don't like is the length or lack thereof. As of today I am in the 7-10 inch range. 7" being the shortest and 10" the longest, which isn't terrible. But not all of my hair is healthy. I badly need a trim and I need to begin the process of deep conditioning my hair every week for the next 5-6 weeks. Let's start with my natural hair type: I have some combination of type 4 hair.

I have found some amazing products that REALLY work for me and Liam's hair:

Oyin Handmade - they have an amazing lotion, detangler, deep conditioner & I also use their juice and berries detangler and refresher hair spray.

Bitoin and prenatal vitamins - I think have helped my hair growth, I know at least my nails r growing quicker.

Cantu Shea Butter deep conditioner - pretty good, costs around $6-7, was using it every day as a hair dress.

My Financial Future

So after reading a post by Candace from , I decided to revist my own spending habits budget!

* I am 3 payments from paying off one of my biggest CC debts (last payment due January 2012)
* I do have a budget in place (not updated currently but I'm working on it)
* I am FINALLY finding the value in buying things DISCOUNTED - anything I can get on sale, no more full price unless it is necessary

What to improve:
*I need to start a college savings for Liam
* I need to begin my ROTH IRA once tax season hits
* I need to start my own personal "rainy" day savings (let's say $15 per pay period)
* tackle the rest of my CC debt

I am seriously considering becoming an Associate for Isagenix. I will try it for let's say 3 monrths and if nothing comes out of it and I don't make residual income, then I will continue to purchase their products at the discount price and that will be all.

I will continue to develop my makeup biz, spending some of my tax return on much needed supplies to keep me going. I'm hoping by freelancing w/ Smashbox I can generate more clientele.

I have much to work on and I'm going to take small steps to get there! Share with me some budget/money saving tips...What do you do to save on necessities?/What do you splurge on?

Monday, November 14, 2011

Single Life

Yep my dating life is bout as blank as the rest of this post lmfao! *sigh* There is NO scene in KY :(. Wacktastic!

Weigh-In Week 12 November 12, 2011 - link to my vid, come check me out

The Deets:

weight: 314.2 = -0.6lbs lost since last weigh-in :/
Goal: 19 lbs to lose by December 31, 2011
Total weight lost: 14.6 lbs
To final goal:  94

This week:
* Workout out 5x - start 1 day of 2x/day (before and after work)
* Start v3 (November 14)
* eat more times. less food
* check out personal trainers in the area

#Random Post: Rihanna - music opinion

I am not normally a HUGE fan of singers. I have a great respect for artists and musicians and those whole evolve in their craft. I'm not always into her style and hair choices, but even though Rihanna doesn't have the best voice, her music IS changing, evolving and she is GROWING as an artist. As Jay-Z's protege, he couldn't really ask for me. I read a stat where she is either tied with Janet Jackson's record or has already suprassed it for most #1 singles! That shit kray! lol. I will be the first to admit when Rihanna first came out I didn't think she would last because her image was too sqeuaky clean and her facade was not believable to me...

Since then, her music has gotten grittier, sexier and much more real. That is in part to her growing up and changing as a person and the unwavering skill of these people writing her songs hit after hit. Her two newest singles "We Found Love" and "You Da One" are truly in line with the type of hits she has been putting out in recent years and I truly don't think she is going anywhere soon. I purchased her last CD "Loud" and wasn't impressed much beyond her standout singles, but I do think with the two afromentioned leading singles I will either purchase those from iTunes or possibly even buy her next studio effort.  "We Found Love"

"You Da One"

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Hump Day November 9, 2011

So I'm here at work at the library. I should be working on some type of programming plans for our winter break programs here at the library but instead I am blogging lol. I need to get another laptop as I have finally killed off the 2 I had (1 REALLY old and the other fairly new). I realize I must get some better tools in order to perfect my craft :).

I've had a really good week thus far and will share with you guys some of the highlights:

1) being off Sunday - spending time with Poops
2) working early both yesterday and today and getting to spend more time with Poops
3) finishing up my book discussions with the Linlee School and feeling like I was really reaching out to the kids and learning things from them - they even surprised me with a gift card to Applebee's - TOTALLY unexpected, but definitely appreciated.
4) I quit job #2 and will have my last day there Nov 19 - praise God!
5) I'm just in a general good mood

I hope things are going well for everyone else out there and until next time this is Single Momtrepenuer signing off. :)

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Weight Loss Updates/ Goal Breakdown

Yes, I am still fat. No, I'm not as fat as before lmfao!
This is 11/5/2011 weight: 313.8 (-15lbs)

Now to break down my goals into what would be ideal for me, FFF Week '12 and just in general:
My 1st major goal = Dec 31, 2011 - weigh-in at 295
February 1, 2012 (my 24th birthday *cringe*) - 285
March 15, 2012 - 275 (this is around the time of that I would submit for FFF Week auditions by video and application online)
May 15, 2012 - 255
June 1, 2012 - 250
Aug 1, 2012 - 235
Oct 16, 2012 (Liam's 3rd bday; at this weight I would be 45 lbs UNDER my pregnancy weight) 220 FINAL GOAL!!!!!!!!!!

Some people will think I am nuts b/c I want to weigh 220. But if you see 220 lbs worth of fit lean, feminine body mass you would understand what I'm trying to do. I am an aspiring PLUS SIZE MODEL. The industry is over run with size 12s and 14s. I want to be a fit, flat tummied, cellulite free, rubenesque, curvy size 16. That is ok with me. :) If I am healthy, workout regularly and eat right, who is to tell me that a size 16 is still fat?! I won't care. I have seen fat. At my heaviest weight 328.8 lbs - THAT is fat. Wearing almost a size 24 W...THAT is fat. So when I get to my beautiful size 16, you, you and you over there, can't tell me nothing! :)

I Love Your Smile, Face & Oh, Yeah Pretty Much EVERYTHING About You!

Funk Be Gone - Happy November & Other Updates

Over a week ago, I wrote about my inexplicable funk. But chile, I'm better now lol. I have been able to put things into perspective and try to get a grasp on wtf is going on in my life! My #1 problem (and one I ALWAYS face) I am overextending myself. I put unnecessary pressure on myself and attempt to do 8 millions things at one time, by myself and sometimes in multiple directions! I decided I need to slow tf down and live my life piece by piece, section by section and most importantly, with less on my plate.

#1 - Job #2 has GOT TO GO. When I started there I had a specific goal in mind, but now that I have some financial help (in loan form), I am able to fulfill a debt that had a deadline swiftly approaching. I have my 2nd interview with MAC and will be freelancing for Smashbox in addition to my primary library job...what more could a girl want?

#2 - I got back (well better) into my workout groove. For the 2nd week in a row, I have only lost 1 lb each week but I will take it! I am no 19 lbs away from my first major milestone - getting back UNDER 300lb. Thank you God!

#3 - I am trying to stress less about this custody situation. Even though I have to begrudgingly spend my Thanksgiving in NYC, I am going to make the best of it. All I can do now is hope the judge sees how utterly useless and unfit to parent Liam's "father" is

#4 - I am going to rearrange and revamp my budget (again) and get tigther reign on my expenses and spending.

#5 - I am going to focus and schedule my time better with Liam. He deserves my <3 and attention and I owe him at least that much. Now that he is 2 y.o. We are going full force into Spanish, ABCs, #s and potty traning (revisited). I am pledging to spend an hr per day (not all in 1 block) towards his over development and of course look into gettin him into activities this winter time :)

I am just taking a step back, looking at my life and making the changes I see fit. My life HAS marginally improved since I moved outta NYC and that WAS the goal. Helathier, Happier and out of debt. I am slowly making it towards that EVERY day. I thank God for that. I have met some awesome people in the blog world and via Youtube on my weight loss journey. I am excited as to where this blog is taking me and where my life is headed as well.

Until again
The Single Momtrepeneur :)