Mama's Back in the Dating Game!!!

Oh yes honey you read that right! This Mama is back in the dating game. I have decided life is entirely too short, I'm entirely too awesome and hell I deserve to be treated. So starting around August...I am going to begin a free loving affair with MYSELF! :) Feels good to say it.

I don't spend nearly enough time on the maintenance of moi and it's loooong overdue. I'm currently in the midst of my own self-imposed hot mama body challenge and when I lost these next 20-30 lbs you ALL are gonna know about it!

I'm going ALL out! Through the help of Groupon for some beauty discounts and pulling together my other resources. I'm going to get my hair did (long hair dont care), mani/pedi, bikini wax, new dress, have my makeup done and then I'm going to take myself on a date!!! Yes I'm gonna go to the nicest restaurant in Lexington, KY and get a couple of cocktails and LIVE!!!

Songs of my Hot Mama Body soundtrack (these are the songs that will be playing in the background when I walk down the street 30 lbs slimmer, with waist length hair in a new dress and heels with my shellac mani/pedi lmmfao)

"Make Me Proud" - Drake ft. Nicki Minaj
"Fancy" - Drake
"Feelin' So Good" - J.lo
"Bon, Bon" - Pitbull
"La Negra Tiene Tumbao" - Celia Cruz
"Dale Caliente" - Daddy Yankee
"Feedback" - Janet Jackson

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Poetry Just Breathed New Life Into Me...

Omg found my Poetry manuscript from my Advanced Poetry workshop from Spring 2010...:)!!! It just gave me life. I have to write an essay on my hair and kind of do a memoir type thing for a scholarship contest to win $1,000 towards tuition...I remembered I wrote a prose poem about my hair and BAM! I found it. I'm so excited.

This certainly tells me that one day (in 20 years or so), I will have to return to school for my MFA! Writing and poetry gives me life I tell you LIFE!!!! :) I'm on a high right now. I will post one of my favorites right now!

Remember all these poems were written by me in 2009 or 2010

Poker Face

"Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(she's got me like nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face(she's got me like nobody)" - Lady GaGa

As much as I am an extrovert, I am very in tune with my own feelings. Sometimes forcing me into a dream like state in the middle of the day (actually sometimes during a conversation lol). I have the ability to slip inside myself at intervals and get lost in thought. This past week there was much of that going on.

I have finally found the problem with DD. Since he is still in the middle of the divorce (they are  separated and not living together), he is not far enough removed from it to move on yet. I'm pretty sure he is still in love with her.  I do think he is branching out and trying to forget, trying to bury those muddled, confused and scattered feelings he has inside. Which is where I step in and why he has been dating in the first place. I really should have seen this coming. You can't get over a 16 year marriage in a few short months. He is only 42, so most of his adult life was spent loving and caring for the same woman. I don't fault him for that. I have finally reached the point at the end of last year, beginning of this year that I can truly say I am 100% over Liam's father and the damage he caused. Still scarred, but I know for a fact that there are no feelings left there. I have moved on. I am also about three years removed from that situation. DD is not. Time heals all as they say and I hope that with time things become easier and clearer for him and that he can actually forge a new life.

He truly is a great guy and under different circumstances, things could have developed much differently. I don't fault him at all because I am a sucker. I am a sucker for a guy that treats me right and as much as I put up a front, I am a sucker for love. I was overzealous. I enjoyed his company,our conversation and even if only for a few short hours having the attention of this man. One of my fatal flaws is caring too much and it always has been. When I'm a friend to someone, I am there 100%. When I am in relationship I don't think I have ever given 100%, but it has been pretty damn close and every single time I am let down, cheated on, toyed with and left scarred. So that the next time, there is less of me in the reserves to give. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When watching Desperate Housewives a few weeks ago,there was a flashback to Brie (spelling?) Van De Camps' childhood. Her mother taught her a lesson about composure and never revealing how you really feel even at crucial moments when you are expected to crack. This is my defense mechanism. I refuse to let anyone,especially a man, know how I feel. When DD and I were out on our dates and he would constantly stare at me and remark how "beautiful","stunning" I looked or how "intoxicating my smile is" and there was the part of me that just thought "wow, he's dreamy" and the other part (dominant) that thought "he is really full of shit/how many chicks does he use THIS on"? He also complimented me on my drive, my personality and how I really am how he expected after months of emails, texts and calls.

It has nothing to do with self esteem. I love myself and who I am as a person. Flaws and all. What I don't get is how so many people can tell me I'm great, beautiful etc...but that no one ever taken the chance to appreciate and cherish that about me. Being pretty is great and having a nice body is too, but these things are fleeting. I want someone to appreciate me inside and out. All or nothing. I think the years of being taken for granted have put a damper on the more vivacious parts of me. Some of my friends tell me that I have a light, an electricity about me,something magnetic...I don't get how that is when I can't seem to find someone, the Right One.

I don't think that DD was/is "the one" for me, but I did expect this to have a little more potential than what reality seems to be playing out. It seems every time I am positive and willing to open up some, it does not work. As I talked about this briefly with my friend Katherine, at least I got wined and dined for a week right? lol (as I sit here typing this laughing and in tears). But that's not how I looked at it. That can happen with anyone. I like(d) this guy and it made it that much better to spend time with someone I actually wanted to. What I am going to do is just fall back. Less calls, less texts and an occasional check-in (although maybe not romantically, I would still like us to cross paths. Just to know he is doing alright and things in his life are better). It is totally my lot in life to meet someone great and it not be able to work out. I don't want to be a rebound, a second choice, better of two choices or something to do to pass the time.

I have learned a few things over this week.One of those being that this is the type of love I want. I see this man fighting so hard to save his marriage, to save himself and his family and to make sense of the changes that are happening so swiftly. I hear and see this pure vulnerability. His entire life is changing and to a large extent, there is nothing he can do about it. I find it admirable that someone would fight so hard. It proves how much she/their life/their kids and all this really means to him.   It makes me realize that in a similar situation that I would very well do the same thing. I want a man who will fight like that for me...*sigh* I'm a hopeless f**king romantic. It's in my nature .

*Side note* He is also an amazing photographer. In a strictly business way, I totally want him to shoot me one day. We were playing around with his camera one day last week and he got some very nice shots of me. I believe in his ability behind the camera and mine in front of it...we will both certainly get portfolio quality work.

I'm 100% sure it is time to enact a hiatus from dating again. There will be no more Match.com. That has run its course. I really want to believe that things will be different and that life won't be this complicated. I'm not angry or disappointed. A little sad maybe, but I see this as another learning curve. All I can really do now is what I've always done: focus on me and of course my better half and continue to give my readers some hell of some blog entries to ponder. :)

So to exit with more poignant song lyrics:

"Back to life,

back to reality.

Back to the here and now"- Soul 2Soul

Until next time,
Cicely

The Requisites

Today has been an interesting day, I have been thinking about a lot about my romantic life (not nearly as active as I'd like) and discussing with a couple of friends different aspects of my life. Do I want to get married? Is that REALLY a possibility in my future? If I met the "right"guy, would I know it and how would I react?


I'm going to layout the things I want/require in a man. If he exists/existed, this is what he would be like: (not in order)

1) intelligent (I prefer some college education - at least a year- and beyond)

2) charming (romantic,a good flirt)

3) health conscious (works out, eats healthy most of the time; I woud like for this to be something we enjoy together and as a family unit w/ Liam)

4) relationship-ready (no baggage, no hangups, ready to love and be loved)

5) prepared to be a father FIGURE (not a replacement father to my son, but someone who is willing to help me raise and mentor him. Help him develop into a good man)

6)  at least 6 years older than me(no more than 20 years my senior though)

7) gainfully employed (I mean he is not still wondering and contemplating where to begin his career. He is already established in his field(s)and seeks only to further educate himself not b/c he just figured out what he wanted to do but b/c he is seeking enrichment)

8) treats me like a Queen and an equal(I want to be respected, cherished, loved, pampered to an extent, yet treated like a partner and not someone beneath him)

9) responsible and serious about the future (this can take on many forms, but I do mean financially stable, retirement/investments, possible property owner) Please just know what a retirement fund is and know the importance of saving $.

10) has some type of religious faith and/or spirituality

11) 2 kids or less (and that's only if they are from the same woman/marriage and even then, it could still be a deal breaker depending on the details of your situation)

So idk...that's just my take on things...What about you guys out there?Do you have the "List"or do you just play it by ear? Let me know :)

Single Mama vs. Divorced Dad & Single Guy

I have been reading through some new blogs and thinking a lot about the dating process. I have been thinking about my place as a Mom, a woman and a single woman/single mom. One interesting thing that came up is the transition from single and alone mom to single and dating mom. Eventually (years from now) will I become The Married Momtrepeneur? lol I still think that no matter my relationship status I may always on some level operate as a single mom. But THAT is just a random thought.Now on to the meat and potatoes of this post:

I have a couple of like interests (because love is entirely too strong of a word). The DD (divorced dad) is currently the strongest contender. I really like this guy. He is witty, educated, has good conversation, has piercing blue eyes, was previously a photographer whose current job is working on planes. He is the father of 2 biracial children and seems to be a good dad. He is 19 years my senior (turning 43 in April) and claims to be"smitten" with me. His words, not mine. He is a total silver fox and definitely my type. But he is on the end of a divorce and I really don't know where things could or would go. Actually, I will be straight up, the only thing I think that can come out of this is a rebound on his part. It seems to be much easier for men to come out of a divorce and begin actively dating than for a woman. Not that I can even blame him, that is the situation and that's life. I'm 100% sure that a divorce, custody proceedings and the financial strain puts anyone in a bad, needy, emotional space. I understand where he is coming from in that aspect. So what can I do? Keep my guard up...as usual. See where things go but keep my expectations low and my guards high. But no matter what, I know my worth.

Frankly, I am truly tired of having to guard myself against everyone and everything. I am mentally ready for a REAL, strong, healthy, long lasting relationship and have finally (mostly healed) from the debacle that was 2.5 years of my life with Liam's father. Why is it so hard to find a quality man? I know I have a lot to offer the right person. I know with the right person by my side, I can continue to develop and flourish as a woman/person. I know that I can be a great girlfriend/significant other/wife. Thus far, I have not been in the right relationship with the right man to let my true, giving self shine through. 

Let's move on to the second guy, SG (single guy). He is a very nice guy.I feel like he is the type of person that has truly learned from his past negative experiences.We have talked about lots of deep things and have really gotten to know each other pretty well.He is not the best looking guy but he makes up for that by being a seemingly good person. He seems mature, wants to one day be married or at least in a serious, long term relationships. He currently has no kids, but would like to in the future (yeah I'm still on the fence about the another kid thing, just not sure if it is my cup of tea. It would have to be at least 7-10 years from now) Problem is I like him, but I'm not into him.I don't like him like THAT. The other problem is that he is into ME like that and I really don't know what to do. He is a sensitive guy and I think that me telling him that things won't work out between us won't go so well. I would like to still talk to him occasionally, just not romantically maybe. The way I feel about it is that he may think I am leading him on, which I honestly didn't intend to do. I do like him and have told him that, but I never said I was ready to jump into a relationship with him. Especially because this relationship would be long distance. I just don't have the same type of feelings I think that he has for me and I'm not sure how that is going to work out. How the hell do I get myself into these situations? *sigh*