Poker Face

"Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(she's got me like nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face(she's got me like nobody)" - Lady GaGa

As much as I am an extrovert, I am very in tune with my own feelings. Sometimes forcing me into a dream like state in the middle of the day (actually sometimes during a conversation lol). I have the ability to slip inside myself at intervals and get lost in thought. This past week there was much of that going on.

I have finally found the problem with DD. Since he is still in the middle of the divorce (they are  separated and not living together), he is not far enough removed from it to move on yet. I'm pretty sure he is still in love with her.  I do think he is branching out and trying to forget, trying to bury those muddled, confused and scattered feelings he has inside. Which is where I step in and why he has been dating in the first place. I really should have seen this coming. You can't get over a 16 year marriage in a few short months. He is only 42, so most of his adult life was spent loving and caring for the same woman. I don't fault him for that. I have finally reached the point at the end of last year, beginning of this year that I can truly say I am 100% over Liam's father and the damage he caused. Still scarred, but I know for a fact that there are no feelings left there. I have moved on. I am also about three years removed from that situation. DD is not. Time heals all as they say and I hope that with time things become easier and clearer for him and that he can actually forge a new life.

He truly is a great guy and under different circumstances, things could have developed much differently. I don't fault him at all because I am a sucker. I am a sucker for a guy that treats me right and as much as I put up a front, I am a sucker for love. I was overzealous. I enjoyed his company,our conversation and even if only for a few short hours having the attention of this man. One of my fatal flaws is caring too much and it always has been. When I'm a friend to someone, I am there 100%. When I am in relationship I don't think I have ever given 100%, but it has been pretty damn close and every single time I am let down, cheated on, toyed with and left scarred. So that the next time, there is less of me in the reserves to give. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When watching Desperate Housewives a few weeks ago,there was a flashback to Brie (spelling?) Van De Camps' childhood. Her mother taught her a lesson about composure and never revealing how you really feel even at crucial moments when you are expected to crack. This is my defense mechanism. I refuse to let anyone,especially a man, know how I feel. When DD and I were out on our dates and he would constantly stare at me and remark how "beautiful","stunning" I looked or how "intoxicating my smile is" and there was the part of me that just thought "wow, he's dreamy" and the other part (dominant) that thought "he is really full of shit/how many chicks does he use THIS on"? He also complimented me on my drive, my personality and how I really am how he expected after months of emails, texts and calls.

It has nothing to do with self esteem. I love myself and who I am as a person. Flaws and all. What I don't get is how so many people can tell me I'm great, beautiful etc...but that no one ever taken the chance to appreciate and cherish that about me. Being pretty is great and having a nice body is too, but these things are fleeting. I want someone to appreciate me inside and out. All or nothing. I think the years of being taken for granted have put a damper on the more vivacious parts of me. Some of my friends tell me that I have a light, an electricity about me,something magnetic...I don't get how that is when I can't seem to find someone, the Right One.

I don't think that DD was/is "the one" for me, but I did expect this to have a little more potential than what reality seems to be playing out. It seems every time I am positive and willing to open up some, it does not work. As I talked about this briefly with my friend Katherine, at least I got wined and dined for a week right? lol (as I sit here typing this laughing and in tears). But that's not how I looked at it. That can happen with anyone. I like(d) this guy and it made it that much better to spend time with someone I actually wanted to. What I am going to do is just fall back. Less calls, less texts and an occasional check-in (although maybe not romantically, I would still like us to cross paths. Just to know he is doing alright and things in his life are better). It is totally my lot in life to meet someone great and it not be able to work out. I don't want to be a rebound, a second choice, better of two choices or something to do to pass the time.

I have learned a few things over this week.One of those being that this is the type of love I want. I see this man fighting so hard to save his marriage, to save himself and his family and to make sense of the changes that are happening so swiftly. I hear and see this pure vulnerability. His entire life is changing and to a large extent, there is nothing he can do about it. I find it admirable that someone would fight so hard. It proves how much she/their life/their kids and all this really means to him.   It makes me realize that in a similar situation that I would very well do the same thing. I want a man who will fight like that for me...*sigh* I'm a hopeless f**king romantic. It's in my nature .

*Side note* He is also an amazing photographer. In a strictly business way, I totally want him to shoot me one day. We were playing around with his camera one day last week and he got some very nice shots of me. I believe in his ability behind the camera and mine in front of it...we will both certainly get portfolio quality work.

I'm 100% sure it is time to enact a hiatus from dating again. There will be no more Match.com. That has run its course. I really want to believe that things will be different and that life won't be this complicated. I'm not angry or disappointed. A little sad maybe, but I see this as another learning curve. All I can really do now is what I've always done: focus on me and of course my better half and continue to give my readers some hell of some blog entries to ponder. :)

So to exit with more poignant song lyrics:

"Back to life,

back to reality.

Back to the here and now"- Soul 2Soul

Until next time,
Cicely