Damn Near July!!

and I still havent found a job and am no closer to my dreams than before...:/ Slightly f-in depressing! I just want to get this rent from NYC paid off, move out my parents house and get my life together. I want to be a successful plus size model, I want to run my own company successfully, I want to do so much.I want to be a good mom, I want Poops to have the best I can afford and even more...

I am tired of being overweight and out of shape and I am tired of writing about being overweight and out of shape. Time to get off my ass and do something! Now is the time. No more f--kin excuses. I am my biggest obstacle.

Overall fitness goal: size 16 or 18. I WILL make this happen. I have enlisted Alison's help as my buddy in accountability and hoepfully we can get this baby off the ground!!

#teamlose100lbs in full effect!!!

:)

Almost 2 Weeks

So I have been back in the Bluegrass for almost a full 2 weeks now and steadily searching for a new job! Dios mio! The market here is shittay! I really and truly miss NYC already. One thing is for sure, I have to get some things together in my life. I really need to figure out the direction I'm going in! I need my life to be back on some kind of track. I'm seriously considering doing a 1800 hr cosmetology course here and hoping that can help me get on a steady course to achieving my dreams of being not only self-employed but successful and able to provide for my family.

I still want to model. But I need, HAVE to lose weight. I need to be a size 16/18. There is just so much I have to do and I dont know how exactly to get there.  I will write more a little bit later when I can clear my mind a little more. It is back to the ground running tomorrow. Liam, Mom and I are all going to Michigan for the weekend to see my Uncle that had a stroke a few months back. I'm glad I get to see him, it's been a few years.

Until again,
FLMM

More Realizations to Round Out the Week...

I am officially done with it all! I honestly don't know what to think about anything or anyone...I am really at a point in my life I'd never thought I'd be in the worst way. I feel like a loser and that I have actually accomplished NOTHING. I feel things spiraling/have already spiraled fully out of control...Not a good feeling whatsoever.

I am seriously thinking I never should have left NYC, but when I look at it financially, I really didn't have a choice...But I feel like I left my life behind there. It wasn't much of one, but it was mine and what I made. I didnt have a million friends but i did have a few that mattered and I left it all behind...to come here...

Most of it boils down to issues with money, but even still it is so much bigger than that. I feel like I have failed as a parent already and @ this point I really don't know wtf to do with myself/my life? I am disillusioned by people, by the way things are supposed to be, by the way they are not, by every f--kin single detail of life. I know there are things I need to do I just don't know wtf to do and htf I am going to get there.

Try as they might, my parents arent really all that supportive which sucks even more. When I try to discuss with them ideas I have, they never offer any true opinion or it's a negative one. I need to fucking get away from everyone. Poops & I need to hop on a one way something and get the hell outta here. I really just dont know what to do anymore...

Also on another depressing note, it truly makes me sick how people treat each other. How people we love treat us and how no one can ever just tell the fuckin truth and be real anymore. The only love I believe in is that between parent and child or other adults and children and the love those children feel back. Im so tired of being crapped on and having those I love be treated like Sh!t too. It's just not fair. I have truly lost hope in ever finding the right person for me. I tried to have an optimistic outlook, but too many bad things keep happening for me to continue to set myself up for failure and I won't do it anymore...nope I wont.

Back in the 8-5-9...

#NP "Far Away" - Marsha Ambrosius

I'm not gonna lie. I have been back in the "great" state of Kentucky about 48 hours and part of me is already questioning my decision. As much as I want to do in and with my life, I am still afraid to fail. I'm afraid that I may never get to reach my dreams, that I am already a failure.

My parents try to support me, but I just don't think they get it most of the time. Living back at home makes me feel like a fcuking loser! No matter what the reasons! I have to better my life for myself and the only man I love, Liam. So many things I thought would happen in my life, I just don't seem coming to fruition. I truly don't think I will ever get married and I DON'T want to have more kids. It seems early to make decisions like that, but I know how I feel. If I did have another child, I would HAVE TO be married and it would have to be 8-10 years from now!

Right now I just want to focus on paying off my debts and getting our lives on track. I <3 Poops w/ all my heart, but I really and truly understand now more than ever that I was NOT ready to be a mother at 21, even now at 23. There are just so many things I want to do for him and for myself that I am not the position to do now and possibly ever. That is a shitty feeling to think your child could have had a better life if it hadn't been for your dumb ass decisions in life :/ *sigh*

As shitty as my life in NYC was, I do miss it already...but please God give me the strength to do what I need to do here and get my life on track and get the hell outta Dodge!


Hopefully Optimistic,
FLMM

My Hamartia: the hopeless optimist

hamartia - the character flaw or error of a tragic hero that leads to his downfall

So I know my true issue - well at least one of them. I am always the optimist. Almost no matter what a person does, I TRY to find the best in that person and make things alright. Every time I try this, it seems to be with the most undeserving people and I always end up hurt and disillusioned in the end. That is me, that is the character I am in the Greek tragedy of my life. It might possibly destroy me one day...

I dont know why I thought otherwise. Actually, I didn,t. It was my heart telling me that something might be different, but my mind and my gut knew it wouldnt. I partied last night with the Gays lol and had a good time. As I expected, MPL left the club with someone. It didnt even piss me off, it disappointed me more than anything. We had spent about an hour talking about life and where we want to go in our lives, Christianity, Islam, just whatever. I have to come 100% realize he is full of shit. My brother used to tell me that men will always sell dreams to you and MPL talked a good game, but in my mind, I already knew none of those things would happen b/c HE is not going to change.

I might have been in love with him yes, but please don't try to fuck with my feelings. I may still be a naive, country girl at heart, but I'm not an idiot. He is a good man underneath ALL the bullshit but he may never realize his potential and I'm not gonna wait for him to do it. For me, it was so much more than physical, but again he may never understand. I just dont/cant/wont care. I'm not chasing anything but my dreams. Lord willing, I/ will become a better person b/c of this.

Poetry Pause

New Your City

I'm trying to capture her in that area of my mind
I want to remember her just like this: urban and demure.

She changed me forever,
changed the course of the life I was sure I wanted,
was sure I was going to have.

She houses that place on Central Park West where I first explored, dreamed and struggled,
she is the Upper East Side where I had foolish, drunken nights.
she is Rockaway where I feel in love with the devil himself.
She is that Jamaica 'hood where I spent my entire pregnancy.

She helped me give birth to my Liam right there on 59th between 9th and 10th.
She is Nassau County where I feel in love again,
soaked up my angry, heartbroken tears on Sunrise Highway and LIRR.

She is just as beautiful as she is evil,
that cruel bitch forced my change from naive @ 18 to Mom @ 21.
She got me just like I got her, even though we had our differences,
She made me believe anything was possible...


original piece by Cicely N. Carter written 6/2/2011 - currently rough draft unfinished
sole intellectual propety and original concept of Cicely N. Carter

#Icant: Life or Something Like it Edition!

So interesting how life changes within one second, one glance, a yes or no answer to a simple question. There are about 5 days til I'm out of NYC and as much things that will be the same alot is also ever changing/going to chnage for some people that I care about.

I thought I would be living it up tonight and be a hot, drunken, sloppy mess but right now Im not even feelin' that whole shit right now...I am more focused on spending the last moments I have with ppl
I care about...

It's funny b/c somewhere i had hoped that I'd see MPL again before I left but then I realized that is a #dead situation. I 1/2 expected him to make a way to see me today or while I was here in LI, but I knew from the get, it would not happen. I do not matter to him in the same way he is starting not to matter to me...He and I can NEVER have or be anything ever again. I am finally to the point where I dont think about him so much where I realize that I really cant love him anymore. He doesnt give a shit about me and even if he does he doesnt appreciate me enough to do anything about it. He went from one bad situation to another and I fuckin refuse to continue livin' my life waiting for him to get his life and be the man he can and should be...MPL I still love you (not in love but love you as a person) but it will NEVER be more than my son or myself and I will ALWAYS choose us over you. I deserve more and better and much to my dissapointment, you may never be mature enough to handle the kind of love I had for you....anyways #next

To my ace boon coon lol Shit is hard and really sucks right now but u will make it through this like u have everything. Just take it one day at a time, always follow a combination of ur heart, ur gut and ur mind and in the end do what you have to do and do what's best for you. You will always b my ace and pretty much a sister/close cousin to me...can't choose ur family, but we r damn sure lucky we can choose friends!

Much on my mind...