#NP "Far Away" - Marsha Ambrosius
I'm not gonna lie. I have been back in the "great" state of Kentucky about 48 hours and part of me is already questioning my decision. As much as I want to do in and with my life, I am still afraid to fail. I'm afraid that I may never get to reach my dreams, that I am already a failure.
My parents try to support me, but I just don't think they get it most of the time. Living back at home makes me feel like a fcuking loser! No matter what the reasons! I have to better my life for myself and the only man I love, Liam. So many things I thought would happen in my life, I just don't seem coming to fruition. I truly don't think I will ever get married and I DON'T want to have more kids. It seems early to make decisions like that, but I know how I feel. If I did have another child, I would HAVE TO be married and it would have to be 8-10 years from now!
Right now I just want to focus on paying off my debts and getting our lives on track. I <3 Poops w/ all my heart, but I really and truly understand now more than ever that I was NOT ready to be a mother at 21, even now at 23. There are just so many things I want to do for him and for myself that I am not the position to do now and possibly ever. That is a shitty feeling to think your child could have had a better life if it hadn't been for your dumb ass decisions in life :/ *sigh*
As shitty as my life in NYC was, I do miss it already...but please God give me the strength to do what I need to do here and get my life on track and get the hell outta Dodge!
Hopefully Optimistic,
FLMM
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