Hunger

It's been a few days. I have been busy to say the least. I have succumbed to working 6-day weeks, I'm sure it will be 7 in some cases. I am on a mission. I refuse to let anyone or anything stand in the way of my dreams. I am constantly planning, thinking and developing ideas for my business. I NEED to get back to LSAT study and I have a couple of tutors in mind to work with, hoping to commence that end of February. I definitely need to get my health together as well. I'm going to begin Weight Watchers with my friend and REALLY try to bust my ass this time around. I will never be skinny, but I will also never be a plus size model again at this weight. It's now or never. I need to scour preschools in the coming months so that Liam can get into a good 2s program. I need to start my LLC and develop my business and I need to work on being a better person/mom.

If I have it my way, I will never have to leave Poopy for bouts of time so I can get my ish together. He belongs with me and I belong with him and I'm not having it any other way. I'm gonna get through this and WE are going to make or I'm going to die trying. God give me the strength to do the things I need to do and the energy and passion to put into those things. Working again FT has made me definitely focus on the things I want to do and be in life, I know who I am and and I know where I want to go. Let's make it happen.

Until again

FLMM

Hump Day!

Well guys, it's Wednesday and for some reason this week is kinda dragging by for me! Guess cuz I'm working 5+ days/week now. The apartment hunt still continues. I'm skeptical about the probability of me getting into some of the building my realtor friend is having me look at...most require the applicant to make 40x the monthly rent (around $40,00/yr) and/or the guarantor to make 80x the monthly rent (around $80,000)...with only my father and I working, that leaves us combined making around $55k....yeah, riiiiight. So I doubt I will even be able to get into a nice building. I will have to try my luck with by owner apartment and hope and pray I don't have a fall out like the place I currently live in.

As with everything, I do believe something will work out. I am even considering apartment shares with no more than 2 people. I have to get my money up and I have to provide stability for Liam. No small task when it's all up to you to do it, but I'm certainly up for the challenge and before I get lost in the midst of all the million things I have going on, let's not forget LSAT study. I'm acing this test baby. I'm going to buy 2 or 3 more books and then get some tutoring/take a prep course with a woman recommended to me by my former Pre-Law class professor! Sky's the limit...Judge Carter coming your way soon than you think lol :)

Until again,
FutureLawyerModelMama

Mama's 1st Day on the New Job

So I began my first day of training on the job today @ my new place of FT employment at L.C. - I'm just putting initials b/c I want to protect myself just in case they google themselves and turn up in my blog lmfao! But it is going to be a fairly easy job. I'm working in the call center booking consultations for a laser clinic. I have goals to reach and I get paid a yearly salary with bonuses for surpassing different tiers of goals.

I know it is going to be easy, but slightly challenging in terms of dealing with customers. But I will have some downtime which gives me a little leeway to get my business plans rolling and hopefully some other misc. things. I just know that this year I am going to get closer to my dreams and closer to the things I have planned in my life.

So I will be sure to write another entry ASAP and I want to thank all my followers for the continued moral support :). It means a lot and I'm glad I have some support here in the blogspot community :)

Good night,
FutureLawyerModelMama

Mama Decided...

Me and my Poopster will remain in NYC...that is until the sh!t hits the fan and things get too real...lmao j/k But I felt compelled to make this decision based on so many things. Living your dreams is about taking risks, educated ones, but risks none the less. If, when I have tried everything I can do and it still yields no results, only then will I return home. I love my parents and know that they want the best for me, but this is my life, our life and most importantly now Liam and I are my family unit. Everything I do for me/us is because I know in the future it will directly affect him. I don't know what the ultimate outcome of my decision will be and I know there will still be hard times, but in my heart this is what I feel I need to do.

And yes, Dad flipped a sh!t, but we all knew that was going to happen. I understand where he is coming from although I know he thinks I don't. I just don't know if my Dad has ever been this passionate about something or ever this brave (or stupid -depends who you ask) to take this risk. It's not like I'm just diving in with no direction. I know who I am, who I want to be and where I want to go. I know I won't have the physical and monetary support of my parents, but what I do have is everything they taught and a natural fighter instinct I inherited form my Mom.

I am no stranger to hard work and if what I am doing now will allow Liam to go to private school, allow me to get my JD/MFA, give me the opportunity to model and be an MUA, be financially successful, work for myself and at the end of the day still be a good mom, it's worth it to me. I don't want to realize when I'm 40 that I didn't chase my dreams and have nothing to show for it. Success to me is doing the things you love with the people you love and being able to take care of those you love. When it's all said and done, I want to be the one taking care of my Mom and Dad, cuz it's what they did/do for me.

I choose to stay because I don't want to look back on this and have any type of regret. I had a child too young, something I don't regret. I chose to stay here through my pregnancy and the stress surrounding it and I have no regrets. I damn near killed myself finishing my last 2 semesters of undergrad and subsequently studying for the LSAT and I have no regrets.

So cheers to no regrets, chasing dreams, growing up and the adventures that lie ahead

Signing Off,
FutureLawyerModelMama

Bad News Mama, Good News Model

So here I am again, on the day of my fated decision. I havent decided anything...YET. In my heart I know where I want to be, but if the other forces of nature don't come together to make it happen, it just won't be a possiblity. Apparently an apartment share with a woman and small child is 2nd only to having the plague or some or highly communicable disease...makes me remember the days when I was 7.5 months preggo + and scoruing apartment listing in Brooklyn and Queens.

The places I have inquired about thus far are almost mini suites within a bigger apartment that would allow a bedroom and office type small room or a bedroom and another room that could be used as a sitting area/living room. No luck with any of those wanting babies around. I'm not crazy, I get it! If I was a single person w/o kids, I can't honestly say I'd want a little snot nose running around either...but in this case the snot nose is mine and well where I go , he goes. Obviously our best bet is to try for our OWN apartment...but yea with the millions of $ I make a year...baahaha. It also doesnt help that b/c of my careless ways in my late teens, I jacked my credit. I am paying off the debts now, but it won't begin to positively affect my credit score for another few months at the least!!

The employment situation is kind of middle ground news, not great not terrible. If i take the FT position. With the 2 freelance positions I will gain about an extra 20 hours a month. That pretty much means working 6 sometimes 7 days a week, but hey I actually wouldn't mind.

Good news in the modeling world....
I'm signing up for a runway workshop to take place January 22. Yep I'm excited
and I got an email from a photog who wants to work with me TFCD for a beauty shoot for an online hair/makeup magazine...that will take place January 23...Umm yep excited again :)

I will keep you guys updated...back to apt hunting *sigh*

FLMM

Wheels in My Head Turn Round & Round…Pros vs. Cons

            So it is 4:41 AM and of course my mind is running 238 mph. I am just thinking, planning, figuring out sooo many things. One thing that has been weighing on my mind is that you must take risks in life and that most of the times when there is an important decision to be made, it is never quick or easy to reach a decision. I have been thinking about the plans that I have and how to get there. Each option that I have laid out before me has its own pros and cons and so to clear my head of the stuff rolling around up there I’m going to write them down

KY Pros

*save more $ essentially/reduced cost of living (assuming I find a job within the first 60 days of my moving back to KY)

*unlimited familial support J

*no rent

*no babysitting woes

KY Cons

*for my career/life plans, it is not where I want to be

*may not be able to find a job within a reasonable time frame (c.c. debt and student loans are lingering)

*I can still work on my LLC, but won’t be able to bring in as much revenue b/c of smaller population

*slow pace of well EVERYTHING

*limited modeling opps

NYC Cons

*EXPENSIVE

*more difficulty coordinating childcare

*less $ for play

*b/c of distance less support (babysitting/monetary) from Mom & Dad

NYC Pros

*FT employment offer (benefits after 3 months)

*2 Freelance positions

*Gma #2 and friends for Liam support

*can get Esthetics license (PT about 10 months) – personal development for LLC and also other employment opportunities

*LSAT prep course with Mrs. Nelson

*modeling

*more cultural opps for me and Poops (need to take advantage of)

*M-F work schedule @ FT job (1 Saturday/month)

*overall better employment opps for the things I want to do

*can begin to tackle debt immediately

*WLS

*HRA assistance (food stamps, Medicaid and child care)

*start, develop and bring in revenue for my LLC

*law school!

Down & Out in New York City

That's actually a rephrasing of a book I read in AP English in high school. It was actually titled Down and Out in Paris and London . I don't remember the author or much of the plot, but i do know that it chronicled the life of a broke, European white guy navigating his way through expensive Euro cities in the early 1900s...fast forward to my story: young, single, college educated, underemployed mom of color navigating her way through the largest city in America in the 2000s....lol

Sounds like I need to buy a new book. Any suggestions? What are you ladies and gents out there reading? The countdown is on: 26 days til my 23rd bday and about 40 days til I leave NYC for an 18 month sabbatical (bahahaha! - if thats what you really want to call it). Short entry...more like a blurb.

Signing off

FLMM!

Wordsmith Wednesday Pt. 2

A poem I wrote over the summer in poetry workshop @ Hunter College. One of my favorite poems that I have written to date:

Time

by Cicely Carter

I saw her ½ naked pictures,

that hideous face beaming up at me,

seductively disgusting.

I took my suitcase & never looked back.

5 months later, the bulk of my pregnant stomach,

had become the weight of my newborn’s head,

resting in the crook of my neck.

I saw my face in his

and had no regrets.

*all above words, ideas and poetry is the sole property of creator/writer Cicely N. Carter. Any theft or borrowing of above work is a direct violation of copyright law*

Wordsmith Wednesday

So whenever I have an abundance of emotions, I turn to my trusted friend: POETRY. Here is a raw poem (no edits, no revisions - just as it flowed from my brain to the paper) that I jotted down yesterday on the back of my resume while returning from a job interview:

Unmaking - 1/4/2011

How did I fall so far?
To be nowhere near childhood dreams?
 I failed the test,
exhausted all auxiliary of things divine.

 Now it's me
twenty-three
4 year degree
raising my own family
law school dreams
and I can't come up with a scheme...
to deliver me to my destination

I pray and pray
and awake
to the same shit every day.

Past depression,
I feel the world's compression
of my soul
my heart
my brain

I'm tipping  the scale of all things sane

I only love Liam,
even more than myself.

*all above words, ideas and poetry is the sole property of creator/writer Cicely N. Carter. Any theft or borrowing of above work is a direct violation of copyright law*

I Must Be Feelin' Some Kinda Way...

Where to start? Where to start? *sigh* I think I am going through a mini-depression without the Poopster here with me. I just feel like I am missing so much of this important stage of his life (it's only been a week) and feel that somehow that makes me not so good of a Mom :(.

I realized I already missed 58 days of his development back in the summer when my parents enthusiastically suggested to watch him so I could finish the last 9 credits of undergrad and get some study time in for the LSAT. Granted, I was thankful for the time to focus on school for about 2 months, but I missed him too much. Again, I am feeling the same symptoms of withdrawal.

I just feel so unproductive and stagnant. I still have no job offers, I really don't see a chance of me being able to stay in NYC. It's a sad, sad feeling. This city has kicked my ass when I was down and out and chewed me up and spit me out, but through all the b.s., the tears and the trials I am still here and alive and fighting for me and Liam.I just don't know if what I have to fight with is enough anymore? It's a pivotal moment in your life when you realize that sometimes all you as a human can do is not enough for the forces of the Earth. 

I had a long talk with my Dad about some of this stuff. I just told him that even though I am not even 23 (in about 27 days), I feel like I'm 40 and that my life should already be progressing in some way towards my career and happiness. One thing that needs to change immediately is my health. I have gained about 30 lbs since I gave birth to Liam (roughly 2lbs a month since his birth) and I am now experiencing back problems. My health, if it continues to wane, will affect my future career in plus size modeling, how well I can take care of Liam and basically how well i can do anything. I don't want to be a be a 23 y.o. trapped in a 50 y.o.'s health problems. Currently, that is how I am feeling. I just don't know what to do to get out of this funk.

There are so many things I need and want to do. My modeling career, my future cosmetics business, my law degree, opening up my own business(es) and most importantly raising my son to be emotionally, physically and financially well taken care of. The latter is what I owe to him as a mother.This is so depressing! I will write again with any profound thoughts or good news...bleh!

2011 Aquarius Astrological Outlook

We shall see if any of these things come into fruition this year...

 

Aquarius

1/20 – 2/18

Year 2011 Career

Fame and success just have a way of finding you -- especially over the past 14 years. In fact, you often take for granted how popular you are because there is always a part of you that dwells alone in your thoughts away from the crowds that follow you. Now that Neptune, the planet of glamour and spirituality is getting ready to leave your stars and move on to Pisces, you can settle back down to a more grounded existence -- and this includes your work life. No more swimming in the unknown when it comes to your career path; you can now get a handle on what it is you truly want to do with your Aquarian genius.
In 2011 you're on a crazy crash course intensive to learn everything you can about ... well ... everything! You can't seem to get enough information to feed your inquisitive gray matter. With the crazy burst of Aries energies in your communication and thinking sector this spring, it's no wonder your mind will give new meaning to the concept of overdrive. Venus brings the sweetness to your career sector in October and November. As of May 1, there will be six planets occupying this sector of your horoscope at the same time. Aries is not known for patience, so instant gratification serves you best between April and August. Ingenuity, invention and bold experimentation serve you well over the next 12 months. Dare to dare!

Year 2011 Romantic

Lovers and friends that enter your life in 2011 feel like destiny. With the Nodes occupying your love and social sector this year, you'll have scores of interesting and beautiful people crossing your path, perhaps taking up permanent residence. Expect quite a wonderfully romantic and social year. Don't feel as though you must choose between your lover and your friends. There is an imperative to give equal weight to both since you need the equal presence of each to keep you truly the most fulfilled. You'll have plenty of romance in your friendship, and friendship in your romance. That ever-elusive balance somehow feels easily obtainable now that planets are cooperating. In any case, you won't be spending as much time alone.
Being tagged as the free spirit of the zodiac, you're always looking for that ideal smart-as-a-whip partner who will give you the right mix of space, mental compatibility, and kinky romance. This year you just might snag such a tall order. The contradictory mix of loyalty and detachment is essential to prevent the restless Aquarius from getting bored or complacent in the romantic sphere. Venus brings the good life to your sex sector in June. This is the time of the year when you look and feel the most beautiful. You're a proverbial date magnet through most of the summer, culminating with Venus showering her gifts in your partnership sector in August. Let your original and wildly eccentric nature shine on!

http://shine.yahoo.com/astrology/aquarius/yearly-career/20110101/

1st Post of 2011, 50th Post

Hello Ladies & Gentlemen! lol So the new year has arrived, finally. I can honestly say that I don't plan on changing anything I have been done doing for the past couple of months, save for a couple of things which I will update you on as soon as those things get into full motion. I am still going to be job hunting, freelancing with Benefit, studying for the LSAT and overall trying to make life for me and Poops better. So 2011 is accomplish my goals or bust and you guys will be along for the bumpy ride :)

FLMM