Teenage Dream

I want a love like this! How corny am I? Yep I know #dontjudgeme...we can all dream! lol

Nothing is ever gonna b the same...and I'm just fine with that :)

I will officially make this title my life motto :). Sorry guys! My babydaddy (aka my bff Mo-neezy lol) told me that I need to be blogging again and yep she's right! I've been running around the WHOLE week and it seems as if this week just flew by LITERALLY! Where did it go? Slipped right through my fingers that's where!!  I start my job at the library and I am excited. I need to buy some more biz casual clothes but otherwise I am ready.

Updates:
Me and Myia went to NYC last week to deal with the court stuff. Liam's father is trying to fight me for visitation - blah! Anyone who knows me and knows this situation knows how BULLSH!T that is. Liam has been out of NYC since April and his father has NOT ventured to call/text/email/fb msg or anything about him ONCE. He makes me sick *throw up*. Next hearing is Sept 21 - before that Liam has to be tranported to NYC for a whole week to spend time with his "father" - but we all know that his Grandmother will be watching him damn near the whole time. Uggh the situation has me all aggy again! hmph! All I know is that I am doing what I'm supposed to and have put that situation in God's hand. He is better equipped to handle it than me, the mere mortal.

No 2nd PT job - the translator job fell through b/c now they are looking to hire someone full time for the position! Kinda sucks but oh well, I have faith that I can find another PT or even a FT position to go with the library job.

Working out - I have got to get on it! end of summer is acutally the best time to start. Have months to go before it is Spring/Summer again and I need to get on track. I'm going to do it. ASA I get the $, looks like a YMCA membership is in my near future. I am aiming for September

LSAT - I'm a loser! I havent studied at all in recent weeks! Aug 1, 5 hours a week shall commence! I have to do this, I REALLY do! I need to structure it and make it happen - no more excusas por favor!

Love? - So about a week ago a close friend of mine had an altercation w/ an exbf...my understanding of the story and what I believe to be true is that they got in an argument and then the situation turned physical. She was kicked, choked, slammed against a wall and ultimately punched in the face...all in all reality literally came crashing down :/. I feel no type of way about the dude involved in the situation b/c he initiated the physical contact first. I am all for self defense but if a man defends himself against a woman, since when does doing all the things mentioned above become necessary? Yeah..u can miss me with the bullshit. I am really just disgusted with the whole situation and tired of people treating others like shit and people i know and love being treated like shit! When does it end? Why can't people my age just get shit together? I know this person deserves so much more and life and she will have it. It just makes me so sad that she has to go through all THIS to get where she wants to be. Makes me doubt sometimes if decent people can ever really be happy? What does it take? Why can't we win on Earth as well as in Heaven? In the end I know things will work out for her, but it really sucks to see a situation unfolding and to not be able to do anything about it/make a real difference...especially from 740 miles away :/

Liam - still the light of my life. He tries my patience every day...but I love him too much :) He makes life worth it. I will always love my Poops :)

Love life/extracurriculars - NEXT ---> lol

There is not much more to update right now, but I will write more that comes to me...I havent been inspired to write poetry lately...that needs to change.

Until again
FLMM

Model -Agencies That Represent Plus Size

I decided to do my reasearch the other day and found a few more agencies than had been in previous years, besides the "big names" that represent models:

Ben Barry Agency (names like Fluvia Lacerda, Denise Bidot)
IPM Model Management (Alex Wise - a friend of mine,
Flaunt Models (Lisa Scott, Griselangel P)
Dorothy Combs- well respected Miami based agency (size 10-16)
FORD +
Wilhemina (W Curve sizes 10+)
Model Service Agencey (formerly Goddess Models)

So I've got my work cut out for me, but I'm ready for the challenge.

FLMM

Final Law School Decisions 2011 edition

I made this list back in November 2010, I have since had much to think about and cosider since then and have somewhat revised those same decisions. So here is my new list. I will now be applying for 2013 admission. I am going to do this before I am 30.

Harvard - A definite REACH, but I figured what the hell?! - would be awesome, but maybe not practical even if i got in! high cost of living and rent and who would watch Poops? i didnt read about on-site daycare facilities
          
Hofstra Law- they have an awesome fellowship program dealing with Child and Family law. I'm very interested in this and it would be an awesome way to start my career as a family court judge. They have both a PT & Ft program which gives me options. They are located in Hempstead, L.I. which drives the cost of living down somewhat for me. I will of course need a car, but I will be in the financial position to afford it esp if I get the fellowship.

Fordham - Fordham  is #3 school in NYC, but doesnt fare so well nationally in rankings. I do like that the school is located near 59th street. They also have a great English M.A. program which is right up my writer's alley! So a dual degree is what I would consider doing here. They also have a Child/Family fellowship program and one of the top ranked PT/night programs in the nation! As we all know living in nyc is expensive enough without adding $50,000/yr + in law school debt!

UK Law - it's a good enough school, I just don't know if I can stomach KY living again! They don't have a dual M.A. program in what I would want (an MFA that is) - cheapest option

U of Cincinnati - great choice b/c it's close to family, but not in KY AND i can get in state tuition, not sure how i feel about their program overall - 2nd cheapest option

This is going to be a difficult decision no matter what. Let's just pray I get into a variety of schools so that my options are more open. I have to blow the LSAT out of the water! ALL the way! My top 2 choices are Fordham and Hofstra based on location and other factors. I want to be back in my 2nd home, equally pursuing both of my dreams!

Summer 2011 - L.A.

This is

the reason

I live

and

breathe.

My Own Worst Enemy...

As I have known for a few years, I can be and sometimes am my own worst enemy. I know what I want to do, but I don't always know when/how/where those things will work out.

My  biggest aspirations are:
1) to be a successful agency represented plus size model @ a size 16
2) to be a lawyer and eventually a judge
3) last but NOT least to be the best Mom I can be and raise my son

So  it is very simple. I can have it all and I will. Just not all at the same time. But something tells me that if modeling was not meant for me, I wouldn't still have the passion for it that I do. I wouldn't continue to think about it every day and be so into fashion. I can feel it. 2012 will be my year. At 24 years old, I will relaunch and reboot my modeling career so that I can truly do one of the things I feel I was meant to do. I will probably move back to NYC and I will work my ass off to model and to be the best law student and eventually best lawyer I can be.

I realize that I do LOVE makeup, but it is a hobby of mine. Not a passion. I am passionate about doing it, but I cannot see myself doing it for years to come or the majority of my life. Now I know what I want to do and where I want my life to go, it is up to me to make it happen...

What To Do?

I have had much to think about in the past few days...I have had conversations with Mom & Dad and have been very introspective lately. I feel something off/out of balance with my life and I'm not sure what it is or how to shake it. I feel like for a few months, I'll have it together and be motivated and driven and seemingly have things figure out, but then all of a sudden I lose steam and somehow get lost in the shuffle as well.

I'm feeling like I don't even know which direction to go in anymore...
there are logical directions: make money doing something I truly enjoy, wait a few years to go to law school, maybe never have a modeling career? Be a breadwinner and provider like I'm supposed to and  be...miserable? I was sure at one point in life that I could do it ALL. Now I'm not so sure. I'm very uncertain about everything...wtf can I do besides pray?

It came to a decision I have to begin to make on Friday. I love makeup, I enjoy doing it, I enjoy learning about it and helping people. But I'm not 100% sure I can be happy for YEARS to come doing it. It will always be something that I enjoy doing, but maybe it falls into the hobby category along with poetry. Something  I truly enjoy, but may not be meant to be for a life career.

About law school: Next year is not going to happen, but I think I should do it in 2013...I realized what am I waiting for? I'm tired of just working jobs. I want a meaningful career. I also realized that I will never be a "rich" lawyer and I actually don't really have a problem with that. My reasons for wanting to be a lawyer: I have always loved to help people. I used to volunteer. I enjoying bridging cultural and language gaps, I enjoy the satisfaction of truly helping people and changing "the world" even if it's just one person's life. I think that I will be a passionate and just lawyer. I am truly committed to helping families and kids, which is why I'd love to be a family court judge or work in juvenile justice...
 

There are just so many things to consider and I only have my ENTIRE life riding on my decisions. Save for meeting a few people in my life I have no regrets of any decisions I have made. All I know is that I want to be a better person and I want to work in a place where I can have personal and emotional fulfillment along with being able to make a change. But the adventurer in me wants to see the world, the country at least, and travel and be on the move as I always have. *sigh* I really don't know what to do anymore. But there is so much riding on my decisions...My future, Poops' future and yeah...I don't know what this really all means! I am in a million different directions going 1000 mph and i need the emergency break STAT!!! :/

100th Post - Dedicated to the LoML - Liam :)

My life has certainly changed for the better and I have this lil man to thank for it. My baby will be 21 months this Saturday. Can't believed I've been blessed with his presence for almost 2 years now :). IDK about anything else, but the love I have for him is certain, pure and true. Nothing compares to how I feel about my Poops :)

#np "How To Love" - Lil Wayne

I Can't Love You This Much. No, I Can't Love You This Much

The funny thing with people is sometimes you find out things that change how you look at them. Not necessarily makes you love them any less, but brings the reality of the situation to light. MPL is certainly not the worst person in the world (I think Osama is front running for that one), but he does seem to use people excessively and I REALLY don't like that.

I'm not gonna play the holier than thou card. We all use everyone for something, but if there is a situation where the using is mostly one sided, then there r issues. I can't speak on the entire situation, cuz I can only go off of what I know to be true, what I have seen and heard. All of those things don't necessarily equal the truth, but they are the truth as far as I will probably ever know them.

He used me, hell I used him too. The diference was intention. His intentions were probably that of every other male, get what you want and leave. Mine were well this situation has presented itself, I have a choice, nothing will come out of it #leggo. One thing about him is I ALWAYS saw the person he could be, his potential, that man he wasn't living up to. So when he did dumb shit, that was the main reason I'd be pissed. Why can't you be the man you're supposed to be?

When everything was said and done, I realized that no matter how good I was or the things I put up with until he decided to make the change, things would never work. He may never wake up and be the man he's supposed to be. Not for me, but for himself. But it is there. I thought by loving him, it would be enough to spark that motivation in him, to make him WANT to do things differently. But it's not true. I won't let him use me. Only Monica knows how I still truly feel about him and that's the way I'm going to keep it. It's better for me to suffer in silence, than to tell him how I feel just for nothing to come out of it and to look like a damn idiot. I said my piece to him and now i have to move on. Cuz at the end of the day, I never meant shit to him...or maybe how Ive heard it before, "maybe the way he loved me was the best way he could". Well in this case, his best wasn't good enough. And I can't put myself in that situation anymore. #1anddone

Solo Me Importas Tu - Enrique Iglesias

AaLiyah- Come Over

Tamia - Officially Missing You

Ugggh...Those Feelings...

FML...or at least certain aspects of it...i have purposely avoided talking to MPL or having really that much contact with him. I know how I am and the nature of my heart. If I can avoid a person or a situation long enough, it is enough for me to put the situation behind me...Not this time...WTF is going on? Why do we as humans always do things that we KNOW are not good for us to do? My mind knows what I should really do - leave him the hell alone and never look back!! My heart sings a completely different tune :( I am still in love with this dude and only time will change that. But I refuse to put myself back in that position. I cant and i wont.

It's funny cuz we talked last night on the phone for the first time in a long time and all those f-in feelings came back. He asked me about things that were on my mind...I wanted to tell him, I "still fuckin love u but it's pointless to tell u b/c even tho u alledgedly felt that 1 at one point, who knows if u still feel that way and even if u did...what would u do about it but fuck it up and hurt me AGAIN?"

uggh i despise men sometimes...no correction...i despise anyone that plays with people's feelings and thinks that shit is ok!!! :/ NOT

Where I am, Where I Want to Be...How in the Hell Do I Get There?

No that's not the title of a self-help book, that's what is currently rolling around in my head at this very moment! I KNOW I will one day be successful, but i am not sure exactly in what way. What I do know is that what is important to me right now is establishing a career(s). I want to find gainful and meaningful employment in the beauty industry AND become a successful plus size model. My own company and law school are still apart of my plans, but I want to prioritize. I know I want to be a model, I know at one time I had what it took to get there. I want to put my efforts into making those dreams come true. I can do that AND have a thriving career in beauty at the same time. At the end of the day, not only do these things give me a purpose, they are also setting an example for my son and will be providing for him as well.

I'm thinking very seriously about revisiting the title and purpose of this blog. I'm not saying law school will never happen, but maybe right now that is not the direction my life is meant to be in. I think it may go that way one day, but maybe not now. And you know what? There is nothing wrong with that. I'm going to pray on the matter and see what direction God believes I should take...

Until again,

FLMM

How To Love...

It's been a minute...there has been much on my mind...

I'm swimming around trying to find my place in this world still. I somehow things would get easier. Did I expect things to fall into place on their own? I have had what seems like a million job interviews and prospects but the right one has not come around yet. I return to NYC July 21 briefly to resolve the custody hearing issue! I honestly cannot wait until that is over. Til this day no child support payments, no calls about Liam. That dude truly makes me sick to stomach. I am disgusted with myself for EVER having loved a person that despicable and for subjecting an innocent baby to this shit! But this is the path I chose and I am dealing with it the best way I can.

I have been thinking about the previous situation with MPL and I can honestly say I am not in love anymore...I can't be. I refuse to let myself go there again or stay there anymore. I deserve so much more, so much better. I may never find it in someone else, but I am going to find it for myself and in myself. I still do have love for him, but I cant keep giving of myself to people who can't/won't/don't know how to appreciate me and the things I have to offer. i just miss the good thing I liked about him, that I grew to love about him, but what can I do? I am but a woman  who turned into a fool for love, who tried to believe in people again, who was proved wrong and who is still trying to pick up the f-in pieces and figure out who/what/when/why and where?! It still makes me sad to think about it, but it happened for whatever reason...that reason I am still not even sure of!

July 26! My baby daddy aka Liam's aunt/god mother should be here! I'm excited. I have something to look forward to. I need my buddy back. :/

That concludes this episode of the Adventures of FutureLawyerModelMama...

until again,
FLMM