I miss my Poops! He is 3 ft tall, 34 lbs...growing into such a handsome and beautiful little boy and I cant stand to be away from him any longer. I will be 10x happier when I can just hold him, kiss him, and watch him sleep at night. When he calls out to me "ma-Mama" and I can just walk into the next room and scoop him up. When he can sit in m lap while I read him a book! I miss everything about him. His screaming, his crazy little laugh and his soft and chubby arms and legs.
I feel like shit...why have I left him for so long? I have missed a total of about 6 months out of his life from birth to now. Mom and Dad took him Summer 2010 for 58 days and I almost died. He went back Dec '10-March 10' b/c I was SURE I was moving back home in February and NOW that I am finally moving June 2011, he has been gone since the week before Easter.
Wtf am I doing? No one can really understand how I feel. What mother in the right mind would leave their child for extended periods of time? me. Because somewhere in my delusuional mind I believed I could really make a way for us and do it MY way. I have missed soooo much that I can't get back and every day I'm away from him, I understand more and more why I should have waited to be older and married to have him. None of this is fair to him...He didn't ask to be born and now I am responsible for providing him the best life that I can and I swear on my life I won't let him down...I can't.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
What's On Your Mind?
#NP Toni Braxton Station Pandora Internet Radio
Until today both of my laptops have been down and I'm glad I FINALLY got to
This pivotal question is always asked on Facebook on my HTC eris FB app...a talk with my friend Monica got me to thinking tonight...
1) I was pissed b/c of something she mentioned that someone we know said that was contrary to information I had previously believed to be true...I was semi-pissed at her for believing it and annoyed in general when the more I thought about it...but as usual with that hoe lol we're good...
2) I began to think about love. that dirty little 4-letter word. It destroys lives, can bring you up or take you all the way down. I believe love at this point has taken me down. Possibly to a place that I may never return from. Not to be melodramatic, but that is how I truly feel.
So we began to talk about my previous, crackhead of a relationship with "ol boy" and now looking back on the events that transpired I realize that we were through before we started. Neither of us were in a position to be in a relationship. He was grappling with his own demons and I was/am still learning how to put myself out there fearlessly.
What I needed from him was affection, security and a TRUE sense that he wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him. I wanted to know that I can actually be in a relationship that worked. Maybe I did miss what it was like to be a relationship. Maybe I missed being apart of a couple. But I was NOT desperate. I knew what I wanted, but I was/am afraid to put more out than I was getting.
I had a nagging suspicion in the back of my mind that something would go wrong between us and that it would be like EVERYTHING I had ever gone through before. I knew that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that I wasn't either, but against even my own better judgement I decided to try it anyways. I wasn't sure wtf I was really doing. but I tried to go through it and give him a chance, a fresh start and let the past be that and start anew...All I know is that with him, something was stirred inside of me, he made me want to try again and TRY to trust someone. I wanted to believe in him...
Then came the situation where everyone (at least those close to him wanted to put in their 2 cents about OUR situation). No one knows how I felt and a couple of people ventured to ask me. But at the end of the day, maybe I wasn't as affectionate as I could have been, maybe I didnt "show" that I really was feeling him but there was also much going through my mind...
Another tidbit of advice I always heard was to "whip him" into shape. That's not me. I'm all about doing the right thing by someone b/c that what YOU WANT to do. I don't want to force someone into doing anything, especially not being with me. If I'm what you want...why is it so hard?
I had talked to him about some of the things I didn't like that he did: making jokes about personal and intimate things that went on between us in front of a group of people. Granted I did know the group he joked in front of...but still I'm a private person. I don't like MY business out on public display. "I acted like I didnt really like him"...most of the time when I would see him, I didnt feel comfortable going up to him and kissing him etc b/c I always got a stand-offish/wall up vibe from him and most of the time my vibes arent wrong. So why would I want to invade his space if I got a sense of hostility from him?
I dont even know if this even makes sense to explain now...what does it really matter?
All that happened/happens is for a reason...this one though? I may NEVER know...
I did learn more about myself. I truly dislike people in general. I honestly feel whatever ppl can do to f**k you over they will and in the end there is only YOU and God. I also learned that despite the things I look for in a man, I continue to find the ones that hurt me. Maybe it IS me? Do I subconciously enjoy the pain? Does bitterness give me some kind of sick pleasure? Nope, it actually doesnt! I just want to be f**kin happy. Maybe my hamartia, my fatal flaw in the Greek Tragedy of my life is that I ALWAYS try to see the good in people for better or worse. Something in me feeels the need to give people a chance. I don't care about where you come from, what you do/don't have or about your other flaws. When I love you, I love you for you. Despite the fact you're 5'6 (on a good day lol), have multiple issues you are grappling with or whatever. What I can't deal with is a blatant slap to the face, for someone to purposely sabotage a situation..
What I think I would like is to hurt someone the way I've been hurt. But because that is not my role, it will possibly NEVER happen.Is it wrong to just be able to know what it's like on the other side? I dont care if the grass is greener or not. I'm just tired of being the one always hurt and always picking up the pieces and having to glue my shit back together to save face. Fuck it! Yes I still love him...so the fuck what? It obviously didnt matter to him then and currently it doesnt matter to me now. I don't know what else to do. It works that I'm leaving I guess. I need a break from all this shit. *sigh/*
Until today both of my laptops have been down and I'm glad I FINALLY got to
This pivotal question is always asked on Facebook on my HTC eris FB app...a talk with my friend Monica got me to thinking tonight...
1) I was pissed b/c of something she mentioned that someone we know said that was contrary to information I had previously believed to be true...I was semi-pissed at her for believing it and annoyed in general when the more I thought about it...but as usual with that hoe lol we're good...
2) I began to think about love. that dirty little 4-letter word. It destroys lives, can bring you up or take you all the way down. I believe love at this point has taken me down. Possibly to a place that I may never return from. Not to be melodramatic, but that is how I truly feel.
So we began to talk about my previous, crackhead of a relationship with "ol boy" and now looking back on the events that transpired I realize that we were through before we started. Neither of us were in a position to be in a relationship. He was grappling with his own demons and I was/am still learning how to put myself out there fearlessly.
What I needed from him was affection, security and a TRUE sense that he wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him. I wanted to know that I can actually be in a relationship that worked. Maybe I did miss what it was like to be a relationship. Maybe I missed being apart of a couple. But I was NOT desperate. I knew what I wanted, but I was/am afraid to put more out than I was getting.
I had a nagging suspicion in the back of my mind that something would go wrong between us and that it would be like EVERYTHING I had ever gone through before. I knew that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that I wasn't either, but against even my own better judgement I decided to try it anyways. I wasn't sure wtf I was really doing. but I tried to go through it and give him a chance, a fresh start and let the past be that and start anew...All I know is that with him, something was stirred inside of me, he made me want to try again and TRY to trust someone. I wanted to believe in him...
Then came the situation where everyone (at least those close to him wanted to put in their 2 cents about OUR situation). No one knows how I felt and a couple of people ventured to ask me. But at the end of the day, maybe I wasn't as affectionate as I could have been, maybe I didnt "show" that I really was feeling him but there was also much going through my mind...
Another tidbit of advice I always heard was to "whip him" into shape. That's not me. I'm all about doing the right thing by someone b/c that what YOU WANT to do. I don't want to force someone into doing anything, especially not being with me. If I'm what you want...why is it so hard?
I had talked to him about some of the things I didn't like that he did: making jokes about personal and intimate things that went on between us in front of a group of people. Granted I did know the group he joked in front of...but still I'm a private person. I don't like MY business out on public display. "I acted like I didnt really like him"...most of the time when I would see him, I didnt feel comfortable going up to him and kissing him etc b/c I always got a stand-offish/wall up vibe from him and most of the time my vibes arent wrong. So why would I want to invade his space if I got a sense of hostility from him?
I dont even know if this even makes sense to explain now...what does it really matter?
All that happened/happens is for a reason...this one though? I may NEVER know...
I did learn more about myself. I truly dislike people in general. I honestly feel whatever ppl can do to f**k you over they will and in the end there is only YOU and God. I also learned that despite the things I look for in a man, I continue to find the ones that hurt me. Maybe it IS me? Do I subconciously enjoy the pain? Does bitterness give me some kind of sick pleasure? Nope, it actually doesnt! I just want to be f**kin happy. Maybe my hamartia, my fatal flaw in the Greek Tragedy of my life is that I ALWAYS try to see the good in people for better or worse. Something in me feeels the need to give people a chance. I don't care about where you come from, what you do/don't have or about your other flaws. When I love you, I love you for you. Despite the fact you're 5'6 (on a good day lol), have multiple issues you are grappling with or whatever. What I can't deal with is a blatant slap to the face, for someone to purposely sabotage a situation..
What I think I would like is to hurt someone the way I've been hurt. But because that is not my role, it will possibly NEVER happen.Is it wrong to just be able to know what it's like on the other side? I dont care if the grass is greener or not. I'm just tired of being the one always hurt and always picking up the pieces and having to glue my shit back together to save face. Fuck it! Yes I still love him...so the fuck what? It obviously didnt matter to him then and currently it doesnt matter to me now. I don't know what else to do. It works that I'm leaving I guess. I need a break from all this shit. *sigh/*
Monday, May 23, 2011
Last Day in the M-I-A!
So I without a doubt enjoyed my time here in the 305. Cant believe it is over and in 24 hrs from now, I will be sleeping and preparing for a day at work :/ I needed the sun, the new atmosphere. Now back to reality...the reality of my broke ass, currently going nowhere life. I'm ready to be with my Poops again, I am ready to begin making $$$ and be able to take care of my responsibilities. *sigh* In 24 days I need to be moved out of Beach 68th street, have most of my shit sold and figure out wtf to do with Roofis (the car).
Also, the child support hearing is coming up June 8. REALLY ready to get that over and done with!
Finally, finally, finally getting over this dude! omfg took waaay longer than it should have. but why o why should i continue to care about some1 who doesnt give 2 shits about me?!? oh yeah i shouldnt!!!
Write more later...
Also, the child support hearing is coming up June 8. REALLY ready to get that over and done with!
Finally, finally, finally getting over this dude! omfg took waaay longer than it should have. but why o why should i continue to care about some1 who doesnt give 2 shits about me?!? oh yeah i shouldnt!!!
Write more later...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Taking Initiative!
So I know where I have been going wrong! I need "to get up, get out and do something"! Many things have occurred to me in the past few weeks: I am responsible for my OWN success! I need to revisit my goals and make it happen. I fell into a rut and I'm stuck there and I refuse to be THAT woman anymore!!
I am Cicely! Mother of Liam, Aspiring Plus Size Model, Aspiring MUA entrepeneur & future lawyer/judge. I CAN and I will do it all! I refuse to be anything less than successful and happy. If other people can do it...why can't I? Kimora Lee, Queen Latifah, Oprah, Star Jones,Wendy Williams...all of these women have one thing in common they are MOGULS! They are at the top of their game, they saw what they wanted and they went for it and they GOT IT! Now they are UNSTOPPABLE! I want to be unstoppable.
Soon I hope to add Cicely N. Carter, Esq. to that list!
Before I turn 30 February 1, 2018 - not in order!
1) lose 75lbs - healthier, happier + moving towards living a longer and more fruitful life!
2) successfully run LIAM Artistry, LLC (profit, clients & revenue)
3) start law school
4) become a professional/agency signed model or freelancer
5) be debt free w/ a credit score of 700+
6) be completely financially independent
7) make sure Liam is healthy, happy and in a positive environment
I am Cicely! Mother of Liam, Aspiring Plus Size Model, Aspiring MUA entrepeneur & future lawyer/judge. I CAN and I will do it all! I refuse to be anything less than successful and happy. If other people can do it...why can't I? Kimora Lee, Queen Latifah, Oprah, Star Jones,Wendy Williams...all of these women have one thing in common they are MOGULS! They are at the top of their game, they saw what they wanted and they went for it and they GOT IT! Now they are UNSTOPPABLE! I want to be unstoppable.
Soon I hope to add Cicely N. Carter, Esq. to that list!
Before I turn 30 February 1, 2018 - not in order!
1) lose 75lbs - healthier, happier + moving towards living a longer and more fruitful life!
2) successfully run LIAM Artistry, LLC (profit, clients & revenue)
3) start law school
4) become a professional/agency signed model or freelancer
5) be debt free w/ a credit score of 700+
6) be completely financially independent
7) make sure Liam is healthy, happy and in a positive environment
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Saturday Morning Insomnia
As usual, there is alot on my mind. Mostly $ related, but basically encompassing everything. I hav an interview this a.m. @ 11 in JFK for a retail store there. At this point I need a second job to finish paying off these bills :/ before I leave. So we'll c how that goes.
There is just never enough $ I just cant seem to make enuff.:/ I miss Mr.Poops :/ tomorrow is Mother's Day. No I didnt even get shit for Mom, 2 pts for me :-(
So I will probably see MPL today & I resolved that I wont cry. I fuckin refuse. I also am not even gonna talk about whatever happenes b/w us. Its dead, ya se acabo todo. I really just cant go back there & I really dont want to. *sigh* fml
Until again,
FLMM
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
This Right Here's For You...
Elijah,
Before I dont ever get the chance to talk to you again, I realized that keeping things inside is hurting no one but myself. I am still in love with you and I love you. You continue to tell me that I can do better. You can also do better than what you're doing. Who you are right now does NOT have to be who you continue to be and who you will end up being.
I know a lot of bad things have happened in your past and you still have to deal with that. Way before you met me, you had so much to live for and people who love you and will have your back no matter what. As long as you are alive, tomorrow is another day, another chance to do right. It's painstakingly clear to me that you dont understand how I truly feel about you, maybe you never will. When I look at you , I dont see everything bad. I see someone who has so much love inside of him, who is lost from the things he set up to do and who, just like me, is still trying to figure out the person he will become.
I know how it feels to give someone so much of yourself and for them to rip you apart. To make you question everyone and everything. To make you wonder what you ever did that was so bad and so wrong to make someone treat you like that. You start to wonder how and if you offended God and what you can do to right the wrong things you might have done. I understand all too well about that.
Before I met you I resolved that I was never going to fall in love again, that for 2011 and on my life would be focused on reaching my dreams and raising an intelligent, wonderful man. Then, I met you and for whatever reason we liked each other and there was something about you that I couldn't shake. I can't explain why I feel the way I do about you, but I know what's in my heart and what I'm compelled to say. I know that thinking of you would make me smile, that seeing you play with Liam made me happy, that the small amount of time that we spent together I was happy (well mostly).
So I know that it was hard for you to believe me and I'm not even too sure that it really matters right now. But it matters to me to tell you, so that it was never a secret: if and when you needed me, I would have been there for you. I have never let my friends or my family down and I love those people like none other. The love I have for you was/is on the same level, but in a different way and I've never let them down and never will. With you I saw a chance for me to do something different, to let myself go and try to trust someone for the first time in three years. I never worried about me breaking your heart, but somehow I knew it would be you that would break mine. I am always the one who ends up losing in the end because I take a chance on people. I see the best in others, sometimes when they can't even see it in themselves. It is because I open myself that I am prone to getting hurt. Nothing would have been perfect between us but I can guarantee I wouldn't have broken your heart and when things were bad or worse, good or better, I would have been there through it all start to finish.With me, you never would have been alone (in the non-stalker way of course)...
I don't even know if any of this matters anymore, if you even care or what it will change if anything. All i know is that you changed me. Almost as soon as you ignited something new inside me, you also put out that fire in the same breath. I don't know what this means to you and I have no control over your reaction. What I do know is that aside from the hate I used to carry in my heart towards Liam's father and the undying love I have felt for Liam since he was inside my tummy, this is the realest thing I've ever felt.
So I laid all that shit bare and I put it out in the atmosphere and it's there. Do what you want with it, don't care, ignore it, cry about it, sleep on it, mull over it, do what you please. I'm done
Good bye,
Cici
Before I dont ever get the chance to talk to you again, I realized that keeping things inside is hurting no one but myself. I am still in love with you and I love you. You continue to tell me that I can do better. You can also do better than what you're doing. Who you are right now does NOT have to be who you continue to be and who you will end up being.
I know a lot of bad things have happened in your past and you still have to deal with that. Way before you met me, you had so much to live for and people who love you and will have your back no matter what. As long as you are alive, tomorrow is another day, another chance to do right. It's painstakingly clear to me that you dont understand how I truly feel about you, maybe you never will. When I look at you , I dont see everything bad. I see someone who has so much love inside of him, who is lost from the things he set up to do and who, just like me, is still trying to figure out the person he will become.
I know how it feels to give someone so much of yourself and for them to rip you apart. To make you question everyone and everything. To make you wonder what you ever did that was so bad and so wrong to make someone treat you like that. You start to wonder how and if you offended God and what you can do to right the wrong things you might have done. I understand all too well about that.
Before I met you I resolved that I was never going to fall in love again, that for 2011 and on my life would be focused on reaching my dreams and raising an intelligent, wonderful man. Then, I met you and for whatever reason we liked each other and there was something about you that I couldn't shake. I can't explain why I feel the way I do about you, but I know what's in my heart and what I'm compelled to say. I know that thinking of you would make me smile, that seeing you play with Liam made me happy, that the small amount of time that we spent together I was happy (well mostly).
So I know that it was hard for you to believe me and I'm not even too sure that it really matters right now. But it matters to me to tell you, so that it was never a secret: if and when you needed me, I would have been there for you. I have never let my friends or my family down and I love those people like none other. The love I have for you was/is on the same level, but in a different way and I've never let them down and never will. With you I saw a chance for me to do something different, to let myself go and try to trust someone for the first time in three years. I never worried about me breaking your heart, but somehow I knew it would be you that would break mine. I am always the one who ends up losing in the end because I take a chance on people. I see the best in others, sometimes when they can't even see it in themselves. It is because I open myself that I am prone to getting hurt. Nothing would have been perfect between us but I can guarantee I wouldn't have broken your heart and when things were bad or worse, good or better, I would have been there through it all start to finish.With me, you never would have been alone (in the non-stalker way of course)...
I don't even know if any of this matters anymore, if you even care or what it will change if anything. All i know is that you changed me. Almost as soon as you ignited something new inside me, you also put out that fire in the same breath. I don't know what this means to you and I have no control over your reaction. What I do know is that aside from the hate I used to carry in my heart towards Liam's father and the undying love I have felt for Liam since he was inside my tummy, this is the realest thing I've ever felt.
So I laid all that shit bare and I put it out in the atmosphere and it's there. Do what you want with it, don't care, ignore it, cry about it, sleep on it, mull over it, do what you please. I'm done
Good bye,
Cici
Heartbreaks & a Few Mistakes. Meantime In Between Time
TGTIT - Thank God Tomorrow is Thursday (i.e. pay day lol) Uggh this day is dragging. Been at work 3 hrs and 35 minutes and I'm #done, #overit and #hatedit right now lol. Also have been a much more active member of Twitter and I must admit it is actually REALLY fun! :)
I miss my Poopsalopolous :/ lol Yes a new found nickname. My lil baby boo. He is getting too grown. I miss him so much and hope and pray we never have to be separated like this again at least not until he goes to college!
808s & Heartbreaks continue...but not for much longer! I have decided, especially in light of recent events that all I can do is tell MPL how I feel and felt and move the hell on. At this point, after I leave NYC I may never see him again and even if I do, I may never have the chance to tell him all that I feel & purge these feelings out of me. He will probably never understand that I would have been there through the rough times he's going through now and the brighter times in the future. He will never understand that I want Liam to have a REAL Dad and eventually want to have more kids and it COULD have just possibly, maybe been with him. He will never understand that I just wanted him to put in the effort like I was and man up. I realized he didn't have alot to offer (in terms of tangible things), but the intangible (love and the way he could have treated me) would have been enough until he could get the rest of his life together. He will never understand that had he just been 100% with me from the beginning, it would have been easier for both of us to walk away.
He will never understand that I actually do understand the hurt he has left over from his ex, as I had something of the same extent happen to me. I'm not completely recovered yet, but everyday I get closer. I know what is like to need the time to heal from something so terrible. But I am still living and trying to better my life. All I wanted was for someone to love me, support me and to be apart of my son's life. Yes, I want a fuckin family! Well obviously. But you know what at the end of the day I won't sweat it. I'm not desperate and I realize what I have: a beautiful son that makes me eternally happy, a loving family, great friends and the drive and ambitions to do and accomplish everything I put my mind to. Yes, that is a FutureLawyerModelMama. That's what makes me who I am and makes me one of a kind. If any man who wants to be involved with me can't see that...I'm not the one to force him.
June 17/18 I'm outta NYC!!!!
I miss my Poopsalopolous :/ lol Yes a new found nickname. My lil baby boo. He is getting too grown. I miss him so much and hope and pray we never have to be separated like this again at least not until he goes to college!
808s & Heartbreaks continue...but not for much longer! I have decided, especially in light of recent events that all I can do is tell MPL how I feel and felt and move the hell on. At this point, after I leave NYC I may never see him again and even if I do, I may never have the chance to tell him all that I feel & purge these feelings out of me. He will probably never understand that I would have been there through the rough times he's going through now and the brighter times in the future. He will never understand that I want Liam to have a REAL Dad and eventually want to have more kids and it COULD have just possibly, maybe been with him. He will never understand that I just wanted him to put in the effort like I was and man up. I realized he didn't have alot to offer (in terms of tangible things), but the intangible (love and the way he could have treated me) would have been enough until he could get the rest of his life together. He will never understand that had he just been 100% with me from the beginning, it would have been easier for both of us to walk away.
He will never understand that I actually do understand the hurt he has left over from his ex, as I had something of the same extent happen to me. I'm not completely recovered yet, but everyday I get closer. I know what is like to need the time to heal from something so terrible. But I am still living and trying to better my life. All I wanted was for someone to love me, support me and to be apart of my son's life. Yes, I want a fuckin family! Well obviously. But you know what at the end of the day I won't sweat it. I'm not desperate and I realize what I have: a beautiful son that makes me eternally happy, a loving family, great friends and the drive and ambitions to do and accomplish everything I put my mind to. Yes, that is a FutureLawyerModelMama. That's what makes me who I am and makes me one of a kind. If any man who wants to be involved with me can't see that...I'm not the one to force him.
June 17/18 I'm outta NYC!!!!
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