What's On Your Mind?

#NP Toni Braxton Station Pandora Internet Radio

Until today both of my laptops have been down and I'm glad I FINALLY got to

This pivotal question is always asked on Facebook on my HTC eris FB app...a talk with my friend Monica got me to thinking tonight...

1) I was pissed b/c of something she mentioned that someone we know said that was contrary to information I had previously believed to be true...I was semi-pissed at her for believing it and annoyed in general when the more I thought about it...but as usual with that hoe lol we're good...

2) I began to think about love. that dirty little 4-letter word. It destroys lives, can bring you up or take you all the way down. I believe love at this point has taken me down. Possibly to a place that I may never return from. Not to be melodramatic, but that is how I truly feel.

So we began to talk about my previous, crackhead of a relationship with "ol boy" and now looking back on the events that transpired I realize that we were through before we started. Neither of us were in a position to be in a relationship. He was grappling with his own demons and I was/am still learning how to put myself out there fearlessly.

What I needed from him was affection, security and a TRUE sense that he wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him. I wanted to know that I can actually be in a relationship that worked. Maybe I did miss what it was like to be a relationship. Maybe I missed being apart of a couple. But I was NOT desperate. I knew what I wanted, but I was/am afraid to put more out than I was getting.
I had a nagging suspicion in the back of my mind that something would go wrong between us and that it would be like EVERYTHING I had ever gone through before. I knew that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that I wasn't either, but against even my own better judgement I decided to try it anyways. I wasn't sure wtf I was really doing. but I tried to go through it and give him a chance, a fresh start and let the past be that and start anew...All I know is that with him, something was stirred inside of me, he made me want to try again and TRY to trust someone. I wanted to believe in him...

Then came the situation where everyone (at least those close to him wanted to put in their 2 cents about OUR situation). No one knows how I felt and a couple of people ventured to ask me. But at the end of the day, maybe I wasn't as affectionate as I could have been, maybe I didnt "show" that I really was feeling him but there was also much going through my mind...
Another tidbit of advice I always heard was to "whip him" into shape. That's not me. I'm all about doing the right thing by someone b/c that what YOU WANT to do. I don't want to force someone into doing anything, especially not being with me. If I'm what you want...why is it so hard?
I had talked to him about some of the things I didn't like that he did: making jokes about personal and intimate things that went on between us in front of a group of people. Granted I did know the group he joked in front of...but still I'm a private person. I don't like MY business out on public display. "I acted like I didnt really like him"...most of the time when I would see him, I didnt feel comfortable going up to him and kissing him etc b/c I always got a stand-offish/wall up vibe from him and most of the time my vibes arent wrong. So why would I want to invade his space if I got a sense of hostility from him?
I dont even know if this even makes sense to explain now...what does it really matter?
All that happened/happens is for a reason...this one though? I may NEVER know...

I did learn more about myself. I truly dislike people in general. I honestly feel whatever ppl can do to f**k you over they will and in the end there is only YOU and God. I also learned that despite the things I look for in a man, I continue to find the ones that hurt me. Maybe it IS me? Do I subconciously enjoy the pain? Does bitterness give me some kind of sick pleasure? Nope, it actually doesnt! I just want to be f**kin happy. Maybe my hamartia, my fatal flaw in the Greek Tragedy of my life is that I ALWAYS try to see the good in people for better or worse. Something in me feeels the need to give people a chance. I don't care about where you come from, what you do/don't have or about your other flaws. When I love you, I love you for you. Despite the fact you're 5'6 (on a good day lol), have multiple issues you are grappling with or whatever. What I can't deal with is a blatant slap to the face, for someone to purposely sabotage a situation..

What I think I would like is to hurt someone the way I've been hurt. But because that is not my role, it will possibly NEVER happen.Is it wrong to just be able to know what it's like on the other side? I dont care if the grass is greener or not. I'm just tired of being the one always hurt and always picking up the pieces and having to glue my shit back together to save face. Fuck it! Yes I still love him...so the fuck what? It obviously didnt matter to him then and currently it doesnt matter to me now. I don't know what else to do. It works that I'm leaving I guess. I need a break from all this shit. *sigh/*