When Does it End?

photo courtesy of : mothersonmission.blogspot.com

I have been in some type of funk. Starting in the middle of this week and continuing on to today...I just get down some days. I didn't get to run my race for a few reasons, but mostly because I was not physically nor mentally prepared. There are those days where I wonder why I'm not further than where I am today. Like wtf am I doing/or not doing that I can't reach where I want to be?

Why do I feel bad for wanting to reach my dreams AND be a mom? Why does it always seem I might have to choose between the two?! I can't seem to figure out something that works for US. Me and Liam. Our 2 person family. Why do I suck at life sometimes? How can I make this boy's life better? How do I become a better person and a better mom? Am I doing any damn thing right?! WOW!

I'm not losing weight although I do know why and someone who I thought would remain in the past has popped up again. Trial  is coming up. Class starts in a little over a week and I'm emotionally drained. I have worked 6 days a week for the past three weeks straight. My car still needs to be fixed - new engine (well another working one). Bills, bills, bills. Preschool, speech therapy.  Jesus take the wheel.

I'm so tired my life seeming like it is going to pass me the hell by. I have a fear that I will wake up and be 40 years old and nothing will be better than it is right now. I could NOT live like that. I can't keep being dependent on my parents. :(

I'm really sorry that I had to rant and leave so much negativity today, but I had to put it out there because internalizing it has me about to explode. I have to find a way to make everything work...I have to.

I'm not meant to be here. I'm not meant to be doing this...

"A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step"

title quote by Lao Tzu.

Someway, somehow this weekend I got a wild hair and decided that I am running one of the most popular 5Ks in Lexington: A Midsummer Night's Race on August 11, 2012...Umm wow! I am sooo excited and soooo nervous ALREADY lol.

I know that this type of challenge is necessary in my weight loss journey and for my life.I have had some experience in overcoming obstacles (especially those unforseen ones). This race would come at a great time symbolically and practically in my life. Symbolically, it will be right around the time last year that I began my weight loss journey. Practically, it's a couple of weeks before school starts and I can corral my family and friends to come out and support me.  Now, I am setting myself up purposely for a huge challenge. Mentally I am ready, physically it will take ALL of the next 2 months to get there.The training begins this week.

I have Google'd "running a 5k for beginners", "running a 5k for fat girls" and a plethora of other queries. I have found some great info and very positive encouragement. There is still a part of me that thinks I'm nuts.This is my inner fat girl. She's screaming out #girlbye lol. But this is something I truly feel compelled to do.

My goals for this race are simple: 1) to RUN the whole time 2) to finish 3) to survive it lol. I don't care about placing, I sure as hell am not trying to win the thing. I want to do it for me, for Liam, for everyone that reads this blog, for my friends, for anyone on a weight loss journey, for my future clients when I become a nurse personal trainer/health & wellness  nurse.

When this year began I said I wanted it to be different than last year. I made my dream board. I kept vlogging about my weight loss journey to be held accountable, even when I gained weight. I told myself and envisioned this year as different and better than ever before. I said I'd give love (well at least dating) another try.  I wanted to be fearless, determined, dedicated, finally make some dreams come true. I am doing it! Struggling and slipping sometimes along the way, but I am doing it. Since January 1 (not counting Aug-Dec 2011), I have lost close to 30 lbs. I started doing my prereqs for Nursing school knowing that this is the path I was meant to take. I started working on being a better mom and being more present in Liam's life. This is a great feeling. I can't wait to look back on this post, my future 5k and see how far I have come.

There is a quote that has been especially inspirational to me as of late: "We must let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us" - Joseph Campbell.

Life 5:29

Wow! Can't believe May is coming to a close. I'm currently in week 3/8 for school. Can't believe I'm  almost 1/2 done with my 1st semester back! Grades so far: 83% in Anatomy (blah, just got an 80% on my 1st test), 80% in Psych (have to bring this up, was late turning in assignments from the first week) and 114% in Sociology (lol I shit you not, I have extra credit working for me).

We spent our Memorial Weekend in NYC and it wasn't as hellish as I knew it'd be. I found a new neighborhood in Brooklyn to love lol. Clinton Hill, which is right on the edge of Bedstuy, is gentrifying but it's a pretty cool 'hood with wine bars (you know these are my faves lol) and it's close to the A/C line and actually has ample parking. Plus,plus and plus.  Liam's father is still no better and we haven't reached any type of agreement, so to trial we go! *sigh* Liam seems to be doing fine after the visit, except the 8 mosquito bites in various places on his face, legs and arm. I wish those people knew how to use bug spray cuz they know those squitoes are bananas out in Rockaway!

This weekend had me truly contemplating if I want to really return to NYC. To deal with Liam's father, NO...but to accomplish my dreams and build a life for me and my son, YES. I just want to do the right thing for him and for us both. Sometimes I'm not 100% sure what that means. I know that I have to be better than I am now and be the best person I can be. I truly believe that something great is awaiting me and us and our lives. I can feel it. I'm so sick of being on the cusp of great things and not getting there. I am ready to get there. I have to get there for me and most importantly for Liam.

Also, I am really trying to narrow and hone in on the schools I want to apply to, continue to activate my plan and keep it moving towards my aBSN. Honestly, Stony Brook, NYU and Columbia are looking like my best bets in NYC. As usual, MIAMI (money is a major issue), but I'm looking at a scholarship program w/ a stipend through HRSA. So I'm hoping something works out with that and other things I can come up with from Fastweb and any institutional scholarship I may be able to get.

I have been really thinking about my next tattoo. I want to get something that has to do with Liam. I'm thinking L.I.A.M. on my right ring finger. I'm not 100% sure where to get the tat yet, but when I do I will of course post the pics. And for those you who know about my 1st tatt "amor y vida" you will know that it is going to be small lol. I have a low threshold for pain.

On another note, for real this time (I know I have said this like 2x before), but I am DONE with dating for a while. I'm looking at age 30 right now. Nothing more has really happened in that aspect of my life, but I'm tired of knowing what I want and not being able to get it. I'm no longer going to put myself in ridiculous situations. In a situation where someone still has feelings for another person, it will always be a lose lose situation on your end. Nothing good can come out of it...pero es la vida! I'm over the way my "luck" seems to happen and I have to keep my focus on things that I know I can change like the life my son and I are going to live and where.

Until next time :)

Cicely

Tales of a Hot Mess Mommyhood

  There are times when I seriously feel inadequate as a mother. This mostly comes from me comparing myself to other women/families and comparing my child to theirs. I love Liam more than life itself, but I can’t help but to look at him some days and feel I have failed him. I feel bad that I can't do more for him because he deserves it. I know that sounds nuts, but it is true. I feel like his life would have been better had I A) been older and more stable when I had him or B) if he had been born into a much different situations with two parents.

#1 – No Dad around (ok fine a 1/10 time Dad…he’s around him about 10% of the time and has contact with him about as much)

#2 He has a slight speech impediment and will be meeting with a speech pathologist next month to address and treat the issue. I somehow feel there is something I could have done to prevent or correct this, even though I know it’s just one of those things.

#3 Preschool – he didn’t get in. He is young for his “grade” (mid-October birthday) and none of the schools around here really accept children before the October 1 cut off. I just feel that I didn’t prepare him enough. I didn’t ready with him enough or something. I know that this is not entirely true, but I always feel like when I can’t provide him the best opportunities available it’s my fault

#4 I work 6-7 days a week sometimes…enough said. There are times I get home and I’m just so tired and he wants to be around me and play and all I want to do is lay down. I feel bad about that.

#5 Our family unit has been blended with that of my Mom and Dad. I feel like my sense of family with him is fading away slowly. Before it was just me and him with everyone else visiting. Now sometimes I feel like a visitor in his life. L

#6 The fact that I don’t have my ish together is an impediment for him. With everything that goes on with court, life and negative crap I hear, I feel like what I’m doing is never good enough. Ever.

                It drives me up a wall! I know and God knows I am doing the best I can with what was dealt to me. Sometimes I just don’t feel like my life is moving forward. I moved back to Kentucky 11 months ago and I still don’t have shit to show for it…ok fine aside from the 44 lbs lost and a healthy and happy baby. Besides that, my life remains the same: all work, no play, stressed out, planning my next move in life and to the next state and trying to get shit together. This is why I want to be older. I know that I won’t be living like this in 10 years, hell I hope not in 5 years! There has to be a better way. This can’t be life. 

Poker Face

"Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(she's got me like nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face(she's got me like nobody)" - Lady GaGa

As much as I am an extrovert, I am very in tune with my own feelings. Sometimes forcing me into a dream like state in the middle of the day (actually sometimes during a conversation lol). I have the ability to slip inside myself at intervals and get lost in thought. This past week there was much of that going on.

I have finally found the problem with DD. Since he is still in the middle of the divorce (they are  separated and not living together), he is not far enough removed from it to move on yet. I'm pretty sure he is still in love with her.  I do think he is branching out and trying to forget, trying to bury those muddled, confused and scattered feelings he has inside. Which is where I step in and why he has been dating in the first place. I really should have seen this coming. You can't get over a 16 year marriage in a few short months. He is only 42, so most of his adult life was spent loving and caring for the same woman. I don't fault him for that. I have finally reached the point at the end of last year, beginning of this year that I can truly say I am 100% over Liam's father and the damage he caused. Still scarred, but I know for a fact that there are no feelings left there. I have moved on. I am also about three years removed from that situation. DD is not. Time heals all as they say and I hope that with time things become easier and clearer for him and that he can actually forge a new life.

He truly is a great guy and under different circumstances, things could have developed much differently. I don't fault him at all because I am a sucker. I am a sucker for a guy that treats me right and as much as I put up a front, I am a sucker for love. I was overzealous. I enjoyed his company,our conversation and even if only for a few short hours having the attention of this man. One of my fatal flaws is caring too much and it always has been. When I'm a friend to someone, I am there 100%. When I am in relationship I don't think I have ever given 100%, but it has been pretty damn close and every single time I am let down, cheated on, toyed with and left scarred. So that the next time, there is less of me in the reserves to give. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When watching Desperate Housewives a few weeks ago,there was a flashback to Brie (spelling?) Van De Camps' childhood. Her mother taught her a lesson about composure and never revealing how you really feel even at crucial moments when you are expected to crack. This is my defense mechanism. I refuse to let anyone,especially a man, know how I feel. When DD and I were out on our dates and he would constantly stare at me and remark how "beautiful","stunning" I looked or how "intoxicating my smile is" and there was the part of me that just thought "wow, he's dreamy" and the other part (dominant) that thought "he is really full of shit/how many chicks does he use THIS on"? He also complimented me on my drive, my personality and how I really am how he expected after months of emails, texts and calls.

It has nothing to do with self esteem. I love myself and who I am as a person. Flaws and all. What I don't get is how so many people can tell me I'm great, beautiful etc...but that no one ever taken the chance to appreciate and cherish that about me. Being pretty is great and having a nice body is too, but these things are fleeting. I want someone to appreciate me inside and out. All or nothing. I think the years of being taken for granted have put a damper on the more vivacious parts of me. Some of my friends tell me that I have a light, an electricity about me,something magnetic...I don't get how that is when I can't seem to find someone, the Right One.

I don't think that DD was/is "the one" for me, but I did expect this to have a little more potential than what reality seems to be playing out. It seems every time I am positive and willing to open up some, it does not work. As I talked about this briefly with my friend Katherine, at least I got wined and dined for a week right? lol (as I sit here typing this laughing and in tears). But that's not how I looked at it. That can happen with anyone. I like(d) this guy and it made it that much better to spend time with someone I actually wanted to. What I am going to do is just fall back. Less calls, less texts and an occasional check-in (although maybe not romantically, I would still like us to cross paths. Just to know he is doing alright and things in his life are better). It is totally my lot in life to meet someone great and it not be able to work out. I don't want to be a rebound, a second choice, better of two choices or something to do to pass the time.

I have learned a few things over this week.One of those being that this is the type of love I want. I see this man fighting so hard to save his marriage, to save himself and his family and to make sense of the changes that are happening so swiftly. I hear and see this pure vulnerability. His entire life is changing and to a large extent, there is nothing he can do about it. I find it admirable that someone would fight so hard. It proves how much she/their life/their kids and all this really means to him.   It makes me realize that in a similar situation that I would very well do the same thing. I want a man who will fight like that for me...*sigh* I'm a hopeless f**king romantic. It's in my nature .

*Side note* He is also an amazing photographer. In a strictly business way, I totally want him to shoot me one day. We were playing around with his camera one day last week and he got some very nice shots of me. I believe in his ability behind the camera and mine in front of it...we will both certainly get portfolio quality work.

I'm 100% sure it is time to enact a hiatus from dating again. There will be no more Match.com. That has run its course. I really want to believe that things will be different and that life won't be this complicated. I'm not angry or disappointed. A little sad maybe, but I see this as another learning curve. All I can really do now is what I've always done: focus on me and of course my better half and continue to give my readers some hell of some blog entries to ponder. :)

So to exit with more poignant song lyrics:

"Back to life,

back to reality.

Back to the here and now"- Soul 2Soul

Until next time,
Cicely