When Does it End?

photo courtesy of : mothersonmission.blogspot.com

I have been in some type of funk. Starting in the middle of this week and continuing on to today...I just get down some days. I didn't get to run my race for a few reasons, but mostly because I was not physically nor mentally prepared. There are those days where I wonder why I'm not further than where I am today. Like wtf am I doing/or not doing that I can't reach where I want to be?

Why do I feel bad for wanting to reach my dreams AND be a mom? Why does it always seem I might have to choose between the two?! I can't seem to figure out something that works for US. Me and Liam. Our 2 person family. Why do I suck at life sometimes? How can I make this boy's life better? How do I become a better person and a better mom? Am I doing any damn thing right?! WOW!

I'm not losing weight although I do know why and someone who I thought would remain in the past has popped up again. Trial  is coming up. Class starts in a little over a week and I'm emotionally drained. I have worked 6 days a week for the past three weeks straight. My car still needs to be fixed - new engine (well another working one). Bills, bills, bills. Preschool, speech therapy.  Jesus take the wheel.

I'm so tired my life seeming like it is going to pass me the hell by. I have a fear that I will wake up and be 40 years old and nothing will be better than it is right now. I could NOT live like that. I can't keep being dependent on my parents. :(

I'm really sorry that I had to rant and leave so much negativity today, but I had to put it out there because internalizing it has me about to explode. I have to find a way to make everything work...I have to.

I'm not meant to be here. I'm not meant to be doing this...