Thursday, October 27, 2011

Stuck in a Funk

Yep it happens to the best of us. I have been in an inexplicable funk for about a week now. Life is just on a downward slope right now. I am exhausted, yet I have been up since 3:30 am. In all honestly I am mostly stressed about this custody bullshit and the impending loss to funds that I will have coming up in about 3 weeks.

Visitation was decided by referee as follows:

Liam to visit father Nov 22-Nov 26. As ALWAYS, I'm charged with bringing him TO NYC, his "father" is supposed to bring him back to KY.

I am #1 not over the moon about the idea of MY child being in that person's vicinity for that long and #2 not spending Thanksgiving with my family for the SIXTH year in a row, but more importantly not spending it with Liam...

This trip is going to cost me in more ways that one...I have to take time off from work and DRIVE. I'm just so over it right now. Both spending money that I need to be alotting to pay off debt and time that I should be at work earning money for me and my son to live. I'm tired of this f&*#er getting off easy. I am truly tired of getting the shit end of the stick EVERY TIME. I should have just dipped outta NYC without a word instead of "doing the right thing".

You know what I truly think about doing the right thing? It fuckin' sucks and gets you nowhere...well at least the places it gets you are stuck in situations of hardship that could have been avoided if you had just done with your impulses told u to.

I just feel like my efforts of being a good person/good mom are being thwarted and minimized each day. My son deserves so much more than this and so much better. I'm not optimistic about the future like I used to be, I no longer believe that people are inherently good. :/

I am just ready for this shit to go to trial to FINALLY prove to the family court that I am not only the better parent but that "father by genetics only" is a non motherfuckin factor. I am not a happy mama bear and I am truly not going to give up in this fight. Liam is MY son and i won't let anyone hurt him. Emotionally OR physically. I'm not depriving Liam of anything b/c guess what? His "father" already makes ZERO effort to contact/interact with Liam. In his 2 years of life, "ol' daddy dearest" is still the same p.o.s. of a person he has always been. Whether we lived around the corner from him for 2 yrs or around the globe, it will never matter because he will NEVER be a REAL father. Staking claim as a father is NOT ur natural born right, u have to earn that shit. I'm tired of people trying to enjoy the perks of what they havent earned and MOST importantly trying to upset the balance of MY son's life.

I am trouble, tired and upset beyond words...

#end rant


Monday, October 24, 2011

New Revamped Blog...Coming 2012

So after much consideration and soul searching, I will rename and refocus this blog :)

It will be what it always has been and a little more. I want to take my stance as a serious blogger in the blogosphere and I am on a mission to be self employed by the end of 2012. My blog will focus on my business ventures both in makeup/esthetics, health/wellness AND plus size modeling.

I will continue to talk about my personal/every day life and also about single motherhood! I don't like to define myself under one label, but this name is something that TRULY fits my purpose and ME right now! :)

So in 2012 I will reintroduce my blog as

So stay tuned and thanks for helping me take it this far :)


Shedding Weight

-12 lb overall and I'm starting to shed some emotional baggage too!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

And Another 1 Probably Bit the Dust...

I am so frustrated right now. EVERY single time I have an opportunity to do something with modeling, there is ALWAYS something in the way and I mean ALWAYS. Wtf does it mean? If I wasn't meant to do it would I be so close to doing it so many times? Wtf am I doing wrong? The timing is always so bad!

This time is actually LESS of a money issue and now is a scheduling issue. I have to work at job #2 Fri Nov 4 10a-3p, that means I would have to leave for NYC Wed Nov 2 and return in the night of Thrs Nov 3..which wouldn't be an issue if I could find flights during that time...which at this point I can't. Man Idk wtf I'm doing wrong. I'm trying to pay off my debts and settle things the right way and it is a HUGE impediment to me being able to do the things I love.

I'm truly on the verge of putting my aspirations to be a plus size model on the back burner for good. Something that will go under the category of; I came, I saw, I tried, it didn't work. Smh...idk wtf to think about it all...really.

I am in such a shitty mood. I just don't know wtf I am doing wrong. Every now and then I get this overwhelming feeling that I won't ever accomplish the things I want to or the things I was meant to do. I feel like all the things I planned are not what is really going to happen. I am scared of the future at times. More than that I am scared of failing. I can't spend my life TRYING to make it something I just have to do it. And it's like for every small triumph I have, I am left to face a bigger setback/obstacle...I truly don't know what to do anymore. I feel kinda lost.

Significant Crossroads in Plus Model Career

As has ALWAYS seemed to happen to me with modeling, I once in a while come across some great opportunities...but something always seems to be in the way of me realizing that particular goal at that particular time. It makes me think, I truly believe God puts obstacles in our way to see how we handle it. Like you SAY u want to do this, here is the opportunity I have bestowed upon you, how are YOU going to make it happen?

That is just where I am at right now! I have the ambition, the drive, now I need the means. I budgeted out my money and I will have enough to get what I need for the shoot and transportation once I'm there and work is no problem, BUT the biggest issue is now how the f--k am I gonna pay for the round trip plane ticket? I really only have a day or 2 to come up with the $/means/someone else's money to do it and I'm truly stuck...It's about $330 and that is as cheap as they come. From Louisville to MacArthur in L.I...I really want this and it would be awesome to update my portfolio. With about 36 hours left, what am I gonna do?!

Here are some deets of the shoots:

Client: Eddy and Bri

Specs: The shoot is TFP but lunch will be provided. An MUA will be on location for makeup but you will be required to come hair ready. You will also receive tear sheets from the shoot once the photos are posted to the site.

- 5'8" or taller - CHECK
- Size 14-24; You must be proportionate -CHECK
- You must know how to pose and take direction -CHECK!

This is an awesome opp and I have to make this happen?! I will update you as soon as I know how/if I can make this happen!

Friday, October 14, 2011

Updates :)

Wow! I have been slacking here because I have been working on fine tuning so many other areas of my life!

#1 now have a 2nd day time job; started this past Monday, I don't know how much longer it will last for the simple fact that I may have TWO job offers in the wings
a) received a call from Smashbox cosmetics to do freelance for them
b) have an interview with MAC for Freelance/Oncall or PT (12 hr/week) positions

#2 I have been going hard trying to lose this weight! Man I will do my official weigh-in tomorrow and hope to be another 2lbs down

#3 Liam is turning 2 on Sunday and even tho I have to work @ job #2 that day, we are gonna do cake and ice cream social when I get in from work :) I'm so happy for my lil man I can barely stand it!

#4 I am now an associate of Voyager Health and will be selling an AWESOME weight loss supplement called V3. I tried a sample and really liked the way it worked! So I decided to sell it and try to get a lil money on the side. It's much easier to push a product you believe in and KNOW is beneficial ! Check my website - contact me for info :)

#5 I'm trying to grow business for my makeup biz! I want to be self employed by this time next year. I don't mind still doing freelance makeup for other companies, but I want to be self sufficient with MY business and be able to live off of that solely and do the freelance to keep my skills sharp rather than out of necessity!

#6 STILL dealing with custody bull...I'm sending it up to God and moving on. He knows that His will be done and I'm going to keep doing what I'm supposed to do/been doing...take care of MY best man, my only son and my motivation :)

Follow me on YT for more current updates - MissCicelyCarter :) Thanks for reading guys! <3

Saturday, October 8, 2011

I'm Losing it! -7.2 lbs that is!

lol Yeah I'm LOSING WEIGHT! #pow. I will be down to my first goal weight by the end of this year and nothing can keep me from it!

#empowered #teamkickass

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Healthy IS Happy

There is a direct correlation to people in good health and higher levels of happiness :)

Just some food for thought for the day :)

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Poetry Pause

written 10/2011 - sole intellectual propety and original concept of Cicely N. Carter

This is because I have never truly been seen.

Not one has felt the warmth from the fire that gleams within
or bothered to feed those flames.

There hasn't been one time where the enigma of my Aquarian mind
has been caressed and coddled
where my wildest dreams were fashioned into a reality by a vision other than my own

This is because no one sees me,
they don't care to discover the entricacies of my heart
unsheath the mind that covers my razor tongue
unearth the bare soul that lies within this vessel.

they see what they want and what they see is what they get.

Because I Care...About Me

The older I get the more I decide the less bullshit that I'm going to deal with. I am far from being the person I dreamed I'd be at this age, but I refuse to be derailed any further on my path to success. I have had to do some real soul searching these past few months and I'm not standing for the bullshit/fuckery/buffoonery of any kind. If you are not aiding me in reaching my destination, you are a deterrent and must be eliminated from my life.

My flaw when I was younger was letting too many people in, not appreciating myself and not TRULY valuing myself as a woman, person and someone who can contribute great things to the lives of those I encounter and this Earth.

The true purpose of this post is to affirm that I am done wasting time. I value myself, my life and the life of my son to do so anymore. If I'm taking steps, it HAS to be in a positive direction.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Losing Weight, Gaining Life

So I wanted to post about my successes thus far since being on my weight loss journey. I have had more time evaluate and reflect on myself as well...I see where I am, where I was and where I want to be. I'm going to write a list of The 5 Reasons I HAVE to Lose Weight:

1) My health - this is priceless. Once your health is gone, so is your quality of life. I am too young to not be LIVING & enjoying it. I want to see my son grow up and help guide him through life.

2) Liam - almost like #1, but I have to be a positive example for him. Being obese is not the lesson I want him to take from me. I want our family/household to be active and healthy. It starts with me.

3) I'm tired of being unhealthy - So I am generally a confident person, but the weight I have gained in the past couple of years has really taken a toll on me. I feel like and look like I have let myself go. Not good. I want to feel good in my clothes; sexy, confident, strong like I did when I was younger.

4) To be able to have a career as a plus size model - let's get real. Big can be beautiful but out of shape and proportion is not. I need to be toned, healthy and beautiful. I want all three of those things and NEED them to be working as a model. My goal is a size 16. If I became a 14, I wouldn't have a problem with that

5) to show off - yes I am being vain right now, but when you lose weight and tone your body and train it into shape, you have a right to show it off. I'm going to be classy, not trashy but sexy all the way. Mini skirts, fitted dresses, fitted tops and dare I say a 2 piece bathing suit one day?! Oh boy! I am truly looking forward to being comfortable and looking good in all that I wear! :)