Where to start? Where to start? *sigh* I think I am going through a mini-depression without the Poopster here with me. I just feel like I am missing so much of this important stage of his life (it's only been a week) and feel that somehow that makes me not so good of a Mom :(.
I realized I already missed 58 days of his development back in the summer when my parents enthusiastically suggested to watch him so I could finish the last 9 credits of undergrad and get some study time in for the LSAT. Granted, I was thankful for the time to focus on school for about 2 months, but I missed him too much. Again, I am feeling the same symptoms of withdrawal.
I just feel so unproductive and stagnant. I still have no job offers, I really don't see a chance of me being able to stay in NYC. It's a sad, sad feeling. This city has kicked my ass when I was down and out and chewed me up and spit me out, but through all the b.s., the tears and the trials I am still here and alive and fighting for me and Liam.I just don't know if what I have to fight with is enough anymore? It's a pivotal moment in your life when you realize that sometimes all you as a human can do is not enough for the forces of the Earth.
I had a long talk with my Dad about some of this stuff. I just told him that even though I am not even 23 (in about 27 days), I feel like I'm 40 and that my life should already be progressing in some way towards my career and happiness. One thing that needs to change immediately is my health. I have gained about 30 lbs since I gave birth to Liam (roughly 2lbs a month since his birth) and I am now experiencing back problems. My health, if it continues to wane, will affect my future career in plus size modeling, how well I can take care of Liam and basically how well i can do anything. I don't want to be a be a 23 y.o. trapped in a 50 y.o.'s health problems. Currently, that is how I am feeling. I just don't know what to do to get out of this funk.
There are so many things I need and want to do. My modeling career, my future cosmetics business, my law degree, opening up my own business(es) and most importantly raising my son to be emotionally, physically and financially well taken care of. The latter is what I owe to him as a mother.This is so depressing! I will write again with any profound thoughts or good news...bleh!
Wow. Kudos to you. I am balancing single motherhood, being a fulltime student, and working fulltime. So I know first hand what struggle is. I couldn't imagine being away from my daughter for so long...even though I am so busy. But we all sacrifice, and I hope his being away helps you better yourself.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember Rome was not built in a day. So while your to do list is long, tackle one thing at a time.
I am also on a weight loss journey and if you'd like an accountability partner let me know.
Good Luck.
Hey thanks for the support! it was actually easier when i was in school ft, working ft and being a mom ft...i felt like i had a purpose and was constantly busy and things got paid on time!! Since I've been underemployed...not so much. I will let you know how things go, but i definitely have to get my health on track! It's out of control. but no more excuses cuz we're not gettin any younger! but good luck with the mamavation contest! Hope u get it
ReplyDeleteSigh.. story of my life.
ReplyDeleteI'm the single mother of two and it's very, very hard. I won't tell anyone that taking care of children, going to school full-time, and working full time is a walk in the park. I've cried rivers, but through it all, I've also built bridges to get over whatever I was crying about.
You have a plan. That's important. You believe in yourself. That's needed. You have a primary and main focus, and hun, that's what matters most!
There are times where my children stay with their grandparents and Godparents so I can get some things done. I still feel guilty about it. But, I'm doing something constructive while they're away, I'm not partying. It helps to think about it that way as well.
Stay strong and good luck with the testing! =)
Hi Carla,
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing your support and insight. I can only imagine how much harder it would b with Poops x2. I think sometimes ppl dont realize that a lot if single moms dont have a lot of support where they are if any at all! I am thankful to have an amazing family even tho 700+ miles away. But ppl keep telling me I will look back on these times one day and laugh...i sure as hell hope so.