Blame Game

From a recent Facebook discussion among women that I know, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about my previous relationships, what went wrong and how and most importantly who is to blame? My friend Monica said in her piece for the discussion something similar to that no matter how a relationship ends, both parties have to stake their claim in the ending of the relationship. There is never one completely "clean" party. I believe this is true as well. So before you go all "what the hell is she talking about?", hear me out.

The biggest example I have both recent and most significant is the time I wasted (yes, I still do think it was ultimately a waste of time, though I did learn valuable life lesson) with Liam's "father". Alot of wrong things went down in that relationship and in all honesty, it started with me. I knew deep down he was NOT the right one for me, but in the beginning he treated me well. We went out, he bought me things, he treated me the way I thought I deserved to be treated. I was 19 and it was only my 2nd serious relationship & I thought maybe this was what love really was. Then, came the baby mama drama, the text messages from random girls, the random drive by internet posts on his various social media pages and slowly but sruely shit began to deteriorate. I became more and more unhappy as the months and weeks passed by.

I was in love and for a little while believed some of the dumb shit and ridiculous stories he would tell me. I was such a fucking idiot- NO! really, don't sugarcoat it! I was. That was my biggest fuck-up, that was how I led to the ending of our relationship. I loved too hard, trusted too much and didn't walk away when my gut told me to do so. There were red flags, screaming horns and writing on the wall and I ignored it all. My final and ultimate moment of revelation came when I found out I was pregnant with Liam. When I knew there was no chance of us raising this baby together, no chance of us living together, no chance of me having a family with this dude and of course NO chance of us ever getting married, I realized that it wasn't what I wanted.

I reevaluated my life during those months of pregnancy and realized if the love I had felt for this man at one point were reciprocated, I wouldn't be pregnant and alone. I wouldnt be broke and figuring out how I'm going to move and where I'm going to live with my newborn baby. I wouldn't have had any of the negative experiences I did during my pregnancy. Things just became so clear and I felt so fucking dumb. It took 2.5 years to realize and confront and face the same things my parents and friends told me. WOW!

So I blame him for being such an asshole and taking advantage of the things I gave to him and the love I thought we shared, but I place the blame solely on myself for being the idiot that stuck around and continued to be mistreated. He should have never called me out of my name, he should have never pushed me when I was 7 months pregnant with my son, he should have never been cheating on me various time throughout our rocky relationship, he shouldn't have ever disrepected me,my family or my friends. I shouldn't have believed anything he said the times he came in late from work with me waiting for him and not able to sleep becuase I was worried and pissed. But most importantly, I NEVER should have tolerated that shit!!!

I now see what I want, deserve and will tolerate in a relationship. My tolerance for bullshit is so low, I don't know if I can ever be in another relationship. I see people much clearer now and when I see a negative picture I run clear in the opposite direction!

I know my worth now and I know how I want to be treated. At this point, it's not just me I need to think about, but also the most important person in my life, Liam. I can not afford to be in another unhealthy situation. Who cares about how it affects me? I care about the potential damage and danger it has for Liam. I will always listen to my gut, because it is never wrong.
So what about you? Who was to blame in the dissolution of your marriage/relationship? Do you accept blame for your role in the situation? How do you feel about it and what have you learned?

Until again,
Cicely