It's the Way I'm Feelin', I Just Can't Deny

Days like this I sit around and contemplate my life. I think about what my life would have been like if I was still a carefree girl in her early 20s without a child to care for. I wonder if my life would be any better. I wonder what I would be doing without Liam here with me.

I still maintain that Liam is the best decision I have made in my life thus far,but I have to be honest in admitting that sometimes I don't know who I am anymore. If you had asked me that 3 years ago I could have told you with a concrete answer, I was sure. Now I feel like some days my 20s are passing me by in a whirlwhind, like I will wake up tomorrow and be 30.

I can't lie sometimes I need a break. From life, work, Liam, everything. I wish I could pause time and return and press play whenever I felt like it. I know I haven't lost myself, but I'm just not 100% sure what being ME means anymore. When you become a mother sometimes your identity becomes so defined by your child that you forget who you were before that blessing came into your life. I remember I used to laugh a lot. I was almost always smiling. I had great friends. I went out and had a GREAT time. I drank, I pulled all nighters, I ate junk food lol.

Besides the week of dates with DD back in April, the last time I had gone out was in June 2011...I know life is not all about partying, but I worry sometimes that I may not be able to strike and keep a balance. I don't want to be that mother who is running out every other night and living it up and not spending time with her child, but I don't want my 20s and 30s to pass by without me enjoying my life as a woman either.

I used to be so sure of myself and have these awesome,amazing, off the wall ideas and plans for my life and now most of them can't happen within the time frame I would have liked. I'm not blaming Liam and I'm not regretting my decision. I guess sometimes I just wish I could have my old life back for a little bit. Being a mother has forced me to grow up,to come to grips with the harsh realities of life.

I now worry about moving back to NYC. Maybe Mom and Dad have been too much of a crutch for me. How am I going to coordinate childcare? Who will watch Liam if I need a night/overnight/weekend/day to myself? How will I make the time to study? How often will I be able to work out? Will doing freelance makeup even be a possibility anymore? Can I really, truly do this alone with all the crazy things that life throws at me?

I worry if I will ever really have a modeling career? How the hell will I have enough time/energy/money/resources to get all this done? What will this mean for Liam? *sigh*  I'm going nuts just thinking about it...

I have been at a weight loss plateau for the past 3 weeks. I have weighed the same. I fear I might be psychologically sabotaging myself. The most weight I have lost at any time is around this amount (44 lbs). I have been eating more and bad foods and being way less diligent about tracking my eating...Idk wtf is going on with me.

I hate being a worrier, but these are things that keep me up at night. I hate the feeling of lost control.