Sunday, November 17, 2013

Struggle: The Movement

A lot of times (and a lot these days especially) I'm not always 100% sure about things. I've had enough people tell me that I inspire them and it FEELS good. It feels like I am actually making a contribution to this world, that I am not just some mass taking up precious space and Oxygen on this Earth. Even though Liam has not been officially diagnosed by a medical professional with Autism...I'm pretty sure he does have it. From the ADOS and ADIR tests at school and about a year of compiling observations and trying different strategies with him...I can at least confirm that the signs of a high functioning autistic child are there.

But I will not let this/these things define him. Above all else he is Liam, my first born and only child and an amazing little specimen of a human. I am now confronted with the task of getting him the help he needs and the therapy/help/support we need as a family to thrive. I have accepted that and I am ok with it. I just want him to be the best Liam he can be. I am the mother of an awesome, intelligent handsome little boy who happens to have Autism.

Then there are days like I have had lately where I feel myself becoming sad, disillusioned, unsure of the next step. Days when I'm just here...not actually present in the things I am doing, but simply floating. I am now tipping the scales with a 30 lb weight gain (yes of the 50 I lost). I have all these amazing plans to help and change the world, to be there for those who need it...How can I do these things when my life sometimes is on the verge of spiraling out of control? When sometimes I eat just to feel better, because it is one of few things I can control? How can I inspire someone to be better when I'm not even being the best version of myself. It's a strange place to be...

I don't define myself by my weight/size, but I do recognize when things are not on track. Whenever something seriously stresses me out, I pack on the pounds. This is not good for my physical or mental well being.

In my dreams/my thoughts/my goals/aspirations I see:

Cicely Carter, RN, NP, CPT and Health Coach (registered nurse, nurse practitioner, certified personal trainer)

Today, Sunday November 17 2013 I feel so far removed from that, I'm not sure how I'll ever get there. I usually don't get this deep, but today it was necessary. I feel like I have let my life spiral out of control...starting today I'm going to fight to get it back. I need balance in my life. Fun/work/personal goals/motherhood (i.e. time with Liam) and I just need some sense of peace and some help.

Help to get myself back on track, help to figure out how the hell I'm going to make it through my first semester of Nursing school and help to do everything I can to make sure Liam thrives...

I am putting these thoughts into the atmosphere and being conscious of what is going on in my life.

I'm asking you guys to keep me in your thoughts, good vibes and prayers if that's your thing...I need it today, I need it right now.

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