the Bad, the Worse & the REALLY Ugly...Who Has This Shit All Figured Out Anyway?!

August 2011 - So I'm finally working (20 hrs/week for the time being) and I still feel like my life is as stagnant as it has been since I got my degree September 2010. I have been desperately clamoring for job #2, but to no avail. 1 year later and I don't have SHIT to show for it :(. Oh yeah, monthly student loan bill, creditors that I owe and unpaid doctor bills for me and Poops. On top of having to live with Mom and Dad (which isn't as horrible as before), I have gained like 10 lbs since I have been home. I link that directly to stress. I am stressed the hell out: the custody bullish, semi-depressed about the direction of my life, not having enough money and really having no one to help me sort all this shit out...IDK wtf to do anymore honestly. I need more money and I have got to lose some weight.

I am slowly killing myself...it hurts my fuckin soul to write this number down...I got on the scale last week and I weigh 328 lbs!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! *tears* I wanted to scream! I was horrified by that number... I never thought I would get there.  I am fuckin disgusted by that, dee-skus-tid! I've never weighed that much EVER. My weight before I was pregnant with Liam was like 278, while pregnant with Liam b/w 258-260, my weight post pregnancy 250...In March/April 2011 when I was working out with Diane - I was @ 312lbs, I lost 6 lbs while working with her and got down to 306lbs....since 2009 I have gained +/- 70-85 lbs!!!! Omg!!! How the fuck did I let this happen??!!! I really need help. This is truly a psychological problem for me. I eat when I'm not even hungry, it's a stress reliever for me and I'm 100% sure it is directly linked to a traumatic event in my past.

I feel like such a loser - too bad not in the losing weight sense. I am desperate for things to do. Something to change. The more stressed I am, the more weight I gain, the more I get depressed. My clothes don't even fit right anymore. :/ I feel truly helpless to all this shit right now. But I know I have to take action. I did apply for financial assistance so I could use the local YMCA, but I won't know anymore about that until this week. I am certainly not reaching for sympathy b/c there are people who are much worse off than I am. But today, August 14 2011 and forward, I really have no clue wtf im gonna do with my life, myself and most of all for the baby! I just need a sign that things are going to be alright and i won't feel nuts, depressed, alone, angry, confused, disillusioned for much longer...

This custody/visitation shit is draining me both mentally and financially. I have to spend most of Liam's child support money and my 1st paycheck to do this shit. I hope and pray to God i am doing the right thing. I hope that Liam's interests prevail in this case. God knows his "father" does not love him, i just pray the courts can see that. IDK wtf to do anymore, I'm truly exhausted! I need a restart and a jumpstart button on my life. I am barely holding on...