Sunday, January 19, 2014

"Funny how the heart can be deceiving, more than just a couple times..."

I am of the belief that everything in life happens for a reason. Even with that belief at my core, it is still heartbreaking/disappointing and sometimes devastating when something I feel is right goes horribly wrong. I thought I had met the One and not just ANY One, the Right One. Turns out (again), this man wasn't who I believed him to be. Maybe deep down I really am a hopeless romantic. A friend of mine even told me that below the hard exterior (sometimes you have to dig real deep) is a great person and a great woman.

It was a whirlwind romance and it probably happened too fast, but in a short amount of time I began to see the flaws. Not just small things we could overcome, but things like jealousy, acting controlling and being unreasonably angry about things that were so insignificant. I saw those signs and tried to work through them, but I realized it was making me unhappy.

I am not a woman to be controlled or tamed. I'm a free, loving spirit. The man who has my love has it forever if he chooses, but not because he manipulates me and controls me into being his. I honestly thought things could last forever. At the start he made me so happy, he treated me perfectly. Never raising his voice to me, complimenting me daily and always letting me know how he felt about me. He made me feel loved, treasured and wanted. All the things a woman wants to feel when in a mutually exclusive relationship/courtship. 

Then the problems began and I realized it was beyond me. He has issues from his past relationship he still needs to fix and he can't possibly do that with me unless he is REALLY going to make the change. He's not at the point where he really can. It makes me feel even worse because I let him into Liam's life as well as mine. No, I don't believe he would ever cause any harm to Liam, but now I'm letting happen to Liam what I said I never would. I'm letting yet another man walk out of his life (the first being his sperm donor - or sorry biological "father"). It truly hurts me that I let someone into his life just to have them leave or taken away. I called things off because I couldn't take being made to feel like I was always doing something wrong or that  the things I were doing were never good enough...

The other part is that I finally gave my heart away again after 4 long years of trying to heal and repair the damage that had been done. I know it won't be another 4 years, but it WILL be a while before I can put that type of trust in any man ever again. Not to mention at the end of last year I also had a female friend break up with me as well, but that's another story. I'm not depressed about either really, I just want to know when and if EVER I will ever be truly happy giving and receiving passionate, true love from another person that is long lasting, truthful and more than just words tossed around meaninglessly. When will it be my turn? 

I want my family to be complete (by my definition). I want to be married. I want another baby. I want a dog. I want a house and I want my amazing little boy to grow up with a stepfather who loves him with the love he deserves to have. I want so much, but I'm beginning to wonder if those things are even in the cards for me...ever.So here I am ending my last days at 25 single and starting of the 2nd half of my 20s as a soon to be 26 y.o. single mom with a broken heart and a head full of dreams. 

Until again,


  1. I'm sorry to hear about this. It's not easy dealing with losing someone you love and thought would be a part of your life forever. But remember time will heal all wounds. And just like before you thought you would never find someone and will again. <3

    1. time does heal and thanks for your comment :). Hope all is well


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