Friday, March 11, 2011

"808s and Heartbreaks" : FLMM Edition

Sometimes it takes me a while to sort of the words to accompany the things that I feel. At least to be able to VERBALLY express things. Through writing as usual there is no issue. This week I have written about 5 poems which says alot since I havent written anything since Nov 2010. I needed to vent, to let out some pent up emotion and that's exactly what I did. Problem is, I need to convey all these feelings to one person and I'm pretty sure he will never get it!

I have tried to discuss things at many times, but the opportunity/mood wasn't right or there was alcohol involved. Well it's time for me to stop with the p*ssyfootin' and bullsh!t and get real, get raw and get to the point. Said person claims they "love" me. I'm skeptical about that statement. When I say something and mean it, I verbalize it and externalize it. I say it and show it...for sake of anonymity we will call him MPL...

This is technically our 2nd go-round of being considered a "couple". I broke up with him b/c I didn't believe he was sincere, once I spoke with him and cleared it up, I was inclined to give him a 2nd chance. Now is where I'm trying to figure out if I made a mistake. Everything  that has gone on since then points to that.
He also claims that he "loves me" and wants to see where things go b/c I accepted him at his worst point. I think he may have doubted my sincerity as well, but I quickly cleared that up. I'm not going to judge someone b/c of some bad choices they may have made or the negative things that are going on in their lives. To me, I saw someone who I could relate to on certain levels and someone who had a story to tell. Deep down I felt like we were searching for the same thing: love.

But somehow, something changed. I don't know what it was and now I don't know what to do/how to fix it. What I do know is that it wasn't me. So I'm gonna pose some questions:
Is it wrong to want affection from the person who is supposed to be your significant other? (i.e. cuddling, kissing, etc)
Is it wrong to want to talk to them and have a conversation about how their day went and anything that might be on their mind?
Is it ok to NOT want to talk to them when they are in a stage of drunken ignorance?
Can I feel a little sad if I don't feel like I'm getting the attention I need or deserve?

The bottom line is I don't feel like he is putting enough anything into this alledged relationship. I keep using that term b/c I feel like that's all it is: ALLEDGED. I am honestly confused as to why he would want to be in a relationship and do NOTHING to develop it. I will say that he has made small steps, but HE was the one who asked ME out! So if you feel the way you say u do, then why why why why why why why are not NOT showing me?

When I love a person I show it. I don't feel like he is giving me the chance to do that. I'm not happy, when I'm not happy it's time to change things! I am gonna put it out there...yeah I love him, but the feelings are starting to go away. I'm starting to wonder if I really was fucked up in the game thinking there was a possibility for me and him to EVER work? Yes he has problems, as do I, but if you are not willing to work on things and grow together and open up: THERE IS NO POINT.

You can't be in a successful relationship and have no trust, communication or sense of commitment. Yeah I'm a serial monogamist, but I do finally now understand why all of my relationships thus far have gone south. Communication! MPL doesn't want to communicate with me, doesn't want to open up and put himself out there, then I can't force him and I don't want to be with him.

If MPL is truly ready to take the plunge and accept the challenge, then I know for a fact we'd actually stand a chance. When I'm in love and in a relationship, I am committed to making things work. I believe that partners should empower each other and spark something inside one another. I should feel motivated, understood,  supported and loved by my partner and will give the same in return. Notice how none of this boiled down to material things: money, car or what you can do for me.

MPL, you need to understand that you had none of those things when I met you and that I am willing to be there for you when shit is good, bad and worse. I knew/know what the situation is and I still decided to stick around. You still got to meet Liam and I still want you to be apart of our lives. I'm not saying it's easy to let someone in, cuz it's not. But if you are sincere in your motivations and really want to be in my life and Liam's life, then you will understand that as long as you need us, we'll be around. I'm not easily persuaded and I know what I feel. I feel like it's time for you to man the fuck up and realize who and what you have in front of you. It's me Cici: the smart ass, the mother of Liam, the aspiring lawyer, the intelligent woman who can cook when she really wants to or feels like it, that came from KY home of the Waffle House, aspiring model and currently makeup artist, fun to chill with, can tell her anything, can bring her home to meet your mama, always ready for a debate, has a good heart, who fell in love with a Marine, who is ready to give it her all. Nothing in life is easy, but you don't have to shut everyone out. I'm like Tevin Campbell "I'm Ready". I'm not perfect and all I can do is strive to be a better person. I am putting it all out there and if you don't want to accept it, then I can't make you. But you are not letting me be anything at this point and if that's how it has to be then, it's over.


Signing off,
FLMM

1 comment:

  1. I understan where you are coming from relationships are a two way street. It's unfair for you to keep giving and giving without receiving anything in return. I hope things workout.

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