Even though I am a self proclaimed hard-ass (actually I am that hard sucka! lol) There are times when even Xena Warrior Princess (i.e me) has to take a break from the battle and have a break down or two or three...Without the Poopster here with me in the past month, I have been so lonely...not alone, but actually lonely. His absence makes me think about my life and the things I want to do and sometimes it puts me in a very sad place...I'm not going to lie I think about the situation with me and his father sometimes. I want to kick my own ass for EVER falling for a dude like that, I get sad when I think about how Liam could have had better parents and a better life if maybe I wasn't his mother. I have no one to really relay this feelings to, so why not on blogspot? It's a very difficult situation and set of feelings to explain.
There is some part of me, the dreamer I guess, that truly believes maybe one day my family will be complete...But 99% of me believes that it will never happen. It has been so much easier to be a complete b!tch to guys and put up my bullsh!t blockers and continue my semi-happy existence in life. I'm just so over the bullshit...like why can't I just find somebody f%^kin' normal (as in not a psycho or a loser) and be happy? Being in a relationship does not make me feel more complete, but I feel like I'm on the brink of great things and it will just be me and Liam. But even eventually he has to leave me and begin his own life and then who/what will I have?! I don't know why I'm getting all depressed and emotional about this but it's something that has been weighing heavy on me today.
I guess the emotional damage is still healing. Whenever I like someone, things will go ok at first, but then I try to sabotage things by being reclusive, by playing the dude and not showing my feelings. I just don't think I can put myself out there again...When someone truly breaks your heart for the first time and subsequent times after that, it becomes harder and harder to bounce back. My mom (the nurse) told me that when you have a heart attack, that part of your heart dies. Oxygen is cut off and it blackens...that's how I feel right now. My heart is warm and pumping all kinds of love and happy thoughts for Liam, but when it comes to the other stuff, that part is so damaged I don't know if it will EVER recover.
until again,
FLMM
This really spoke to me today. Especially thinking that my child could have a better life / better parents...if only I weren't a part of it. Lately I feel like I've struggled and struggled for nearly 8 years and there's still no end in sight. I feel envious of the "normal" families who don't realize all the little things that make their lives manageable. Things we don't have when we're out here on our own. Not even a reliable father figure for our kids to call up. All this time, I've been all about showing the world that a single parent IS just as good as 2 parents...and WE ARE! But there is no doubt that we work twice as hard and reap not even half the rewards. With every victory, I find that there's yet another mountain to scale...that I didn't even know was there until I got over the first one.
ReplyDeleteI am lonely, too. My daughter is asleep and hopefully dreaming wonderful things for herself. I am sending my love your way tonight. Be strong. We may be lonely, but we're never alone in our struggles.
<3
p.s. I couldn't find you on fb...look me up: R.M. Broadwell
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouraging words. I knew it was something another single mom/parent would understand. There is heavy emphasis on the SINGLE part in our jobs. Thankfully we both have great parents, but unfortunately they live MILES away :(. I know we will get through this, but some days I really just don't know wtf to do or how to do it...just like your other posts, we all have those days where we get really down on ourselves. We made it this far though! :)
ReplyDeleteAwww man, I'm sorry you have to go through those spells but there is a reason Liam was given to you, because YOU are the perfect mother for him. Try to remember why he isn't with you right now and let that help to motivate you to do your thing and rock this legal world. As for the relationship side, the hard, stay over there position is natural but eventually it has to come down a little. Put the block on the bs no matter how cute he is but allow yourself to open to the sweetheart, even if he's too nice or soft. It will be the perfect way to get yourself back in the game. Good luck girlie!
ReplyDelete@ NY State of Mom - thanks for the encouragement, it's really every once in a while I feel this way. normally i am so busy it slips my mid, but it has all caught up to me at once...so yeah..had to do a little venting. but thanks :) Good luck with potty training btw :)
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