Wedding Bells...not for me of course!

So it seems to be that time of year again, where EVERYONE is getting engaged and planning their happily ever afters. I am so veyr happy for the 3 people I know who will be wed next year, but it also makes me have an even sadder outlook on the way my life was supposed to be. Somehow, someway I thought it would be me getting married around this age. Back when I was 16/17, I just KNEW that I would be married by 25, kids by 30. That was the plan and I was sticking to it...until I turned 21...then all of that was out of the window.

Now with all the things I've been through, I somehow think marriage is just a pipedream. I wanted to be a young bride (like in the 24-27 range) and I wanted to have an amazing time with my husband before we welcomed our first kiddies into the world...not turning out like that. Obviously before I get married I would have to find A) someone worthy of marrying B) someone who wants to marry me.

I would like to believe that there is someone out there who is ready to be A and will want B, but I dont know. Each passing month I spend in this state, I realize I am wasting my "marrying years" (lol a colloquialism of course). Maybe marriage is not for me. Maybe God put this wonderful deviation from my well thought out dreams/plans because this is what and who I am meant to be. Maybe I should just embrace my role as a single mom and focus on my health and growing my handsome little boy into a handsome, educated, mannerly and respectful man. Maybe this is where I belong in life....

With those thought I can honestly say it makes me sad. Not that motherhood is not the best thing that's happened to me, but I sometimes feel like my life ends now. I have no problem with thinking for the both of us and making those decisions, but I'm inclined to believe that I will never have 25 years of marriage like my M&D or 56 (?) years of matrimony like my grandparents. It truly makes me sad. I don't think I am THAT bad, I've known worse people to get married lol. But for whatever reason, God does not see that as an option anywhere in my forseeable future.

So maybe I should just push the notion of getting married out of my head at all. When Liam is grown and gets married himself, I can focus on being a great mother in law and a great Grandma. I can do what I always do and divert the sadness I feel about my situation in the love for caring and nuturing someone else...Am I really a loser for wanting to be happy with not only my career and motherhood but also with someone else other than my family and friends?  I only really thought about this seriously when I was pregnant with Liam...I realized finally at that point around 5/6 months pregnant that I was going to be a single mom, I would NEVER marry the man I was a having a child with and that my plans may permanently be derailed. Sometimes that realization just makes it's way back to my consciousness and I can't shake the feeling, the seemingly inevitable that while raising Liam and especially when he leaves home to start his own life, I will be alone forever....WOW...