The One
I'm just a sorry excuse for a sometimes girlfriend,
Good enough for some things,
but not to really trust.
Tell me u love me,
then throw it away just like me, the piece of trash I am.
I'm the same one that never had a good thing to say,
that never asked how you were doing or hoped to make your day better,
I never actually gave a f*ck about anything you ever confided in me.
I went back and told EVERYONE.
I actually was just using you,
In fact, I plotted on you the first time we met,
to be sure I could come and completely destroy your life.
I never cared about the fact that you drink away your problems,
that you get so drunk you pass out and wake up the next morning to start it all over again.
I never liked your kisses or laying next to you with my head on your chest,
Anything you ever told me, I made sure to judge you about your lifestyle, the decisions you made and the way you chose to deal with your problems.
I never saw a future with you anyways,
I decided to string you along and play with your emotions,
and make sure you got hurt.
When I told you I loved you,
I didn't mean it.
Jk...Jk...
sole intellectual propety and original concept of Cicely N. Carter
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Poetry Pause
Clouds
The paper gets cloudy, soggy with tears
I made the effort to be with you and buried my fears.
It wasn't enough and I began to see,
no matter what I did we could never be.
I wish I were wrong, could change your mind,
but all hope for that has been left behind.
I tried in vain, it just wasn't enough,
guess for me Cupid has run out of luck.
The tears fall heavier with each word I write,
blurring my vision 'til paper's out of sight.
I broke the one promise I made to myself,
I shouldn't have loved you, so hard like I fell.
original work and sole intellectual property of Cicely N. Carter 3/8/2011
The paper gets cloudy, soggy with tears
I made the effort to be with you and buried my fears.
It wasn't enough and I began to see,
no matter what I did we could never be.
I wish I were wrong, could change your mind,
but all hope for that has been left behind.
I tried in vain, it just wasn't enough,
guess for me Cupid has run out of luck.
The tears fall heavier with each word I write,
blurring my vision 'til paper's out of sight.
I broke the one promise I made to myself,
I shouldn't have loved you, so hard like I fell.
original work and sole intellectual property of Cicely N. Carter 3/8/2011
ObviouslyVeryEmotionalResponse (O.V.E.R.)
It only took a few weeks to come into fruition,
a lonely stroll down 6th Avenue on a bustiling after-work evening.
The tears that ran down my face couldn't be sabotaged
by the wide grin and chuckle that escaped my gnarled mouth.
I smiled because it was so simple, laughed because of the situation I had landed my self in this time.
What I really wanted to do was throw a fuckin' tantrum.
Sob uncontrollably until I'd wrung out the last tear.
original work and sole intellectual property of Cicely N. Carter 3/8/2011
a lonely stroll down 6th Avenue on a bustiling after-work evening.
The tears that ran down my face couldn't be sabotaged
by the wide grin and chuckle that escaped my gnarled mouth.
I smiled because it was so simple, laughed because of the situation I had landed my self in this time.
What I really wanted to do was throw a fuckin' tantrum.
Sob uncontrollably until I'd wrung out the last tear.
original work and sole intellectual property of Cicely N. Carter 3/8/2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
I Have Returned!
So sorry everyone! My life has been kinda hectic lately. I get home and crash and then wake up early to do it all over again. Finally, I have www.liamartistry.com and my biz is in the process of being a registered LLC!!! So I am now the Chief MUA/Founder of L.I.A.M. Artistry, LLC. I'm so happy about that.
Work is going ok. I am currently here in KY to pick up my Liam. We are going to be driving back to NYC in my car with Monica, who now also lives with us. (yes, MY car). It's a '95 Buick Century Special and yes...I love it lol. I need to get a CD/mp3/radio for it and some better sound but otherwise he's gorgeous I basically live on the border of Queens and Long Island, so this is TOTALLY a plus for me in many ways:
1) chores like grocery shopping and laundry become MUCH easier
2) more frequent trips to L.i. :)
3) able to travel for mua work in NJ and Long Island
I need to get back in my groove and resume studying for the LSAT once again. My goal is to now study 3 hours a week and then do practice tests biweekly up until the big day. I need to REALLY focus on cracking logic games and I know I can ace this one. So much has been going on with me lately. I am thinking and thinking and maybe I will still apply for L-school for fall 2012. I will see what score I get on the LSAT and then take it from there.
I am also now working with a personal trainer, although it hasn't been yielding the rapid results I would have hoped. I'm sure 99% of that is my fault for slacking on the DIET part of it. But Diane is really cool and gave me a great price for a package of workouts with her. I just know I have got to get into plus model shape for real this time. 75 lbs is my goal to lose by February next year.
As much as I hate to admit it...I think I have fallen in love again..."if NOT, he is the prototype" lol This whole situation happened out of nowhere. Certainly didn't expect and still dont know what to think. I feel a connection with him. He is eccentric, complex, guarded and sometimes nuts. But then he can be sweet, serious and loving at the same time. I really don't know where this all came from...I don't know what it means. What I do know is that I want him around and I want to see where this goes...
I will be trying to write 2 entries/week and stay on top of things!
Love,
FLMM
Work is going ok. I am currently here in KY to pick up my Liam. We are going to be driving back to NYC in my car with Monica, who now also lives with us. (yes, MY car). It's a '95 Buick Century Special and yes...I love it lol. I need to get a CD/mp3/radio for it and some better sound but otherwise he's gorgeous I basically live on the border of Queens and Long Island, so this is TOTALLY a plus for me in many ways:
1) chores like grocery shopping and laundry become MUCH easier
2) more frequent trips to L.i. :)
3) able to travel for mua work in NJ and Long Island
I need to get back in my groove and resume studying for the LSAT once again. My goal is to now study 3 hours a week and then do practice tests biweekly up until the big day. I need to REALLY focus on cracking logic games and I know I can ace this one. So much has been going on with me lately. I am thinking and thinking and maybe I will still apply for L-school for fall 2012. I will see what score I get on the LSAT and then take it from there.
I am also now working with a personal trainer, although it hasn't been yielding the rapid results I would have hoped. I'm sure 99% of that is my fault for slacking on the DIET part of it. But Diane is really cool and gave me a great price for a package of workouts with her. I just know I have got to get into plus model shape for real this time. 75 lbs is my goal to lose by February next year.
As much as I hate to admit it...I think I have fallen in love again..."if NOT, he is the prototype" lol This whole situation happened out of nowhere. Certainly didn't expect and still dont know what to think. I feel a connection with him. He is eccentric, complex, guarded and sometimes nuts. But then he can be sweet, serious and loving at the same time. I really don't know where this all came from...I don't know what it means. What I do know is that I want him around and I want to see where this goes...
I will be trying to write 2 entries/week and stay on top of things!
Love,
FLMM
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
FLMM's Work is Never Done
I just want to thank everyone for tolerating my ramblings and complaining lately. I have not been at peace with myself lately. I have been grappling with some emotional demons and trying to figure my life out. A few things I have decided: Law school will wait until I'm 28 years old (i.e. 2016) . Yes, 5 years from now when I have a rambunctious 6 soon to be 7 year old, FLMM will finally begin her JD/MA and go to school FT and earn both degrees in 4 years. I have not given up on my dream of being a judge at all, but what has happened is I realized that even though I have very little patience, this is not a decision I can afford to take lightly. Doing the math, with about 4 years in school, I might very well be $200,000 in loan debt. Even though I do plan to work for the gov't after lschool, in the event I can't find a gov't job and work there for 10 years, unless I win the lotto, the chances of EVER paying back that loan are VERY slim!
Also, by that time all of my debt WILL be paid off and I can NOW work on being more stable financially in order to REALLY be able to afford to go to school FT and work on the side doing my own projects with makeup and/or modeling.
So this year I'm going to do something I have kind of been neglecting to do since Liam was born: REALLY take care of myself! I have neglected myself for far too long and the negative side effects are showing. I <3 my Poops dearly of course, but in order for me to be the best provider and mother, I have to have my mind and my health right. And as of late, both are falling by the wayside! I'm being run ragged and there is no end in sight if I don't do something soon.
Stay tuned :)
Until again,
FLMM
Also, by that time all of my debt WILL be paid off and I can NOW work on being more stable financially in order to REALLY be able to afford to go to school FT and work on the side doing my own projects with makeup and/or modeling.
So this year I'm going to do something I have kind of been neglecting to do since Liam was born: REALLY take care of myself! I have neglected myself for far too long and the negative side effects are showing. I <3 my Poops dearly of course, but in order for me to be the best provider and mother, I have to have my mind and my health right. And as of late, both are falling by the wayside! I'm being run ragged and there is no end in sight if I don't do something soon.
Stay tuned :)
Until again,
FLMM
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Thoughts, Ramblings and the Future
Sitting around and thinking about things, always leads me to new conclusions and new ways to get to where I want to be. I still very much want to go to law school and very much want to be a judge. But at the same time, I want to work for myself and accomplish my personal goals as well as my professional goals. SO I am currently and seriously considering holding off on my law school goal for about 5 more years.
I mapped it out something like this:
*This year and next few years leading up to law school, I will pay ALL my debt off
*develop L.I.A.M. Artistry, LLC and make some money working for myself.
*get in the best shape of my life
*develop my modeling career
*spend QT with Poops
*develop my writing
*go to law school when I'm 28 and Poops is in elementary school and I will literally be able to cater my class schedule/work schedule to his school schedule and be able to pick him up from class :)
Reasons
Law school even if I can get a summer paid stipend/internship/scholarships/grants....I'm going to end up borrowing close to $200.000 on top of the almost $20k that I am in debt now. I am not financially able to incur that type of stress and debt right now. When I go I want to have put a dent in my undergrad debt and be in better shape financially to deal wit the stress of gettin my JD/M.A....curious to know what you think?
Until again,
FLMM
I mapped it out something like this:
*This year and next few years leading up to law school, I will pay ALL my debt off
*develop L.I.A.M. Artistry, LLC and make some money working for myself.
*get in the best shape of my life
*develop my modeling career
*spend QT with Poops
*develop my writing
*go to law school when I'm 28 and Poops is in elementary school and I will literally be able to cater my class schedule/work schedule to his school schedule and be able to pick him up from class :)
Reasons
Law school even if I can get a summer paid stipend/internship/scholarships/grants....I'm going to end up borrowing close to $200.000 on top of the almost $20k that I am in debt now. I am not financially able to incur that type of stress and debt right now. When I go I want to have put a dent in my undergrad debt and be in better shape financially to deal wit the stress of gettin my JD/M.A....curious to know what you think?
Until again,
FLMM
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Single Mama vs. Co-parenting
When you give birth to a child and have been responsible for 99.5% of their lives/well being/being the caretaker by yourself imo are the ONLY parent that child has. I'm so tired of this dude (i.e. Liam's biological father) butting into our business. My parents have always taught me a valuable lesson in life: You have to pay the cost to be the boss. I work 3 jobs to support me and my son and when it comes to people and their interference and their opinions, I really can go without them! His bio-dad is soooo annoying. Trying to get any $ out of this guy to help pay for anything is such a process. I have decided from now on, to not even ask for his money. I am so over it. If it is something Liam and I dont have but we need, I will have to find another way to do it. I just cant take it anymore.
If co-parenting was the case, we would be getting alot more help and I wouldn't be so stressed out about this idiotic situation...All i know is that when Liam has to start day care, if I cant get any income based adjustments....$500/month will be a lot to bite off :(
If co-parenting was the case, we would be getting alot more help and I wouldn't be so stressed out about this idiotic situation...All i know is that when Liam has to start day care, if I cant get any income based adjustments....$500/month will be a lot to bite off :(
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Stuck in a Funk: Day 2
So today was not much better than yesterday. On top of everything else I'm feeling...I just happened to get pummeled with a big ol' bout of homesickness...fml right now, really. I am just really not in a good place in several ways. I miss Liam so much and my mom tells me tonight he has been running a low fever and been stuffed up all day, yet she FAILED to tell me this earlier today and waited until tonight when I called. REALLY?!? "I didn't want you to be worried for no reason". Well guess the f--k what? I AM worried for all sorts of reasons.
I just really don't know if I am doing the right thing sometimes. It seems like everything is right there, but still so far away. I am trying, but in my book TRYING isn't ever good enough. Either you are or you arent and right now I feel like there is a bunch of ain't going on....
God, just let me make it through another year without a complete mental breakdown and I know I can make it through the rest of my life :)Amen lol
Until again,
FLMM
I just really don't know if I am doing the right thing sometimes. It seems like everything is right there, but still so far away. I am trying, but in my book TRYING isn't ever good enough. Either you are or you arent and right now I feel like there is a bunch of ain't going on....
God, just let me make it through another year without a complete mental breakdown and I know I can make it through the rest of my life :)Amen lol
Until again,
FLMM
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Lonely, I'm Still Lonely....
Even though I am a self proclaimed hard-ass (actually I am that hard sucka! lol) There are times when even Xena Warrior Princess (i.e me) has to take a break from the battle and have a break down or two or three...Without the Poopster here with me in the past month, I have been so lonely...not alone, but actually lonely. His absence makes me think about my life and the things I want to do and sometimes it puts me in a very sad place...I'm not going to lie I think about the situation with me and his father sometimes. I want to kick my own ass for EVER falling for a dude like that, I get sad when I think about how Liam could have had better parents and a better life if maybe I wasn't his mother. I have no one to really relay this feelings to, so why not on blogspot? It's a very difficult situation and set of feelings to explain.
There is some part of me, the dreamer I guess, that truly believes maybe one day my family will be complete...But 99% of me believes that it will never happen. It has been so much easier to be a complete b!tch to guys and put up my bullsh!t blockers and continue my semi-happy existence in life. I'm just so over the bullshit...like why can't I just find somebody f%^kin' normal (as in not a psycho or a loser) and be happy? Being in a relationship does not make me feel more complete, but I feel like I'm on the brink of great things and it will just be me and Liam. But even eventually he has to leave me and begin his own life and then who/what will I have?! I don't know why I'm getting all depressed and emotional about this but it's something that has been weighing heavy on me today.
I guess the emotional damage is still healing. Whenever I like someone, things will go ok at first, but then I try to sabotage things by being reclusive, by playing the dude and not showing my feelings. I just don't think I can put myself out there again...When someone truly breaks your heart for the first time and subsequent times after that, it becomes harder and harder to bounce back. My mom (the nurse) told me that when you have a heart attack, that part of your heart dies. Oxygen is cut off and it blackens...that's how I feel right now. My heart is warm and pumping all kinds of love and happy thoughts for Liam, but when it comes to the other stuff, that part is so damaged I don't know if it will EVER recover.
until again,
FLMM
There is some part of me, the dreamer I guess, that truly believes maybe one day my family will be complete...But 99% of me believes that it will never happen. It has been so much easier to be a complete b!tch to guys and put up my bullsh!t blockers and continue my semi-happy existence in life. I'm just so over the bullshit...like why can't I just find somebody f%^kin' normal (as in not a psycho or a loser) and be happy? Being in a relationship does not make me feel more complete, but I feel like I'm on the brink of great things and it will just be me and Liam. But even eventually he has to leave me and begin his own life and then who/what will I have?! I don't know why I'm getting all depressed and emotional about this but it's something that has been weighing heavy on me today.
I guess the emotional damage is still healing. Whenever I like someone, things will go ok at first, but then I try to sabotage things by being reclusive, by playing the dude and not showing my feelings. I just don't think I can put myself out there again...When someone truly breaks your heart for the first time and subsequent times after that, it becomes harder and harder to bounce back. My mom (the nurse) told me that when you have a heart attack, that part of your heart dies. Oxygen is cut off and it blackens...that's how I feel right now. My heart is warm and pumping all kinds of love and happy thoughts for Liam, but when it comes to the other stuff, that part is so damaged I don't know if it will EVER recover.
until again,
FLMM
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Oldest Chick on Blogspot! :) lol Happy Birrrthday to meeeee!
This day in history 23 years ago...a Future Lawyer, model, mama was born :). I feel blessed. I am broke after paying bills, going out and gettin my hurr did last week, but I am still happy. I am gonna be so corny right now...but I wasnt sure I would make it to this point in my life. Despite the "bad" things that I have endured, I'm still alive and thriving (mostly). I need to get my budget and my weight on track so that I can live another 23 years and another 23 after that and maybe another 23 lol.
I now look at birthdays as another year that I'm alive to do something good, to accomplish my dreams and to continue to see my son grow up until he is *gasp* my age. So shout out to my family and friends that did and will give me birthday wishes! :) I love all you guys and appreciate all the bday love!
FLMM
I now look at birthdays as another year that I'm alive to do something good, to accomplish my dreams and to continue to see my son grow up until he is *gasp* my age. So shout out to my family and friends that did and will give me birthday wishes! :) I love all you guys and appreciate all the bday love!
FLMM
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