Annoyed & Overwhelmed

This is actually Thrs, November 11, 2010 :)

I will admit it...sometimes I look @ my life and wonder what the hell I got myself into?
#1 Being a single mother is NOT something I would EVER repeat. You could say I "knowingly" agreed to the situation, but I honestly used to think that people can change and do the right thing - yeah only if they want to. To each their own, but the stress especially at this point in my life is overwhelming. I don't even feel like myself anymore...I feel like the 20 year older version of...that has less to do with Liam and more to do with the fact that his father is a piece of s%*!, but that is another post for another day. I don't feel comfortable leaving Poops overnight and I don't think I can compromise that comfort to go out for a night on the town :/ So pretty much, since I havent been working, he and I are together ALL day and ALL night. And then I start to feel bad because I NEED a break. Just 1 day a week alone to think, do some soul searching and be myself - or at least try to figure out who the hell i am anymore. I wonder for other people is it hard to find the balance between who u used to be and now being someone's mom too? It's not as simple as I thought at the beginning :(

#2 I must have been smokin' crack - obvs not LITERALLY - when i REALLY thought that I could see where things could/would go with the guy mentioned wtf was I thinking? I'm leaving NYC in 3 months? Who knows if I ever will come back? I'd like to, I'm planning to, but who knows what will happen between now and  2012?!? Maybe I was just tired of being alone and not having someone to talk to and someone to relate to in a romantic way..idk...that's the strange part about me that is truly an Aquarian trait. I am an extrovert but I also need alone time. But I don't like to always be alone and when I feel a certain way, I feel it all the way. Example: When I am frustrated, i'm just outdone! When i'm angry, I am truly pissed. Sadness becomes almost like depression. So my emotions run pretty deep. But then again, i do know what I was thinking: I am almost 23 years old and I have a 13 month old baby, I have solid plans for my career and have a very clear sense of the direction I'd like my life to go in...maybe, just maybe I can be all the happy. Maybe I can have everything all at once. Great kid, great life and great relationship...apparently I asked for too much :/
--> i began to think deeper about this issue and get pissed off when having a conversation with dude and because we are not "together" and admittedly like each other, he called me his "special friend". i was offended because that just sounds sleazy imho. we're not sleeping together and this is not a friends with benefit situation....so im confused as to why that wld b the appropriate lingo? i told him look i'm not your SPECIAL friend, I'm just your friend, plain and simple. so no, we r not in a rela
--> then, right on the coattails of that conversation, we begin to talk about February - which is our birthday month,Valentine's day and the month I leave NYC...jokingly i told him i wanted something nice for V-day and it turns into him thinking i want something elaborate (i.e. $$$$) and i just got pissed b/c REALLY??!? REALLY? No asshole, let's try the good ol' i wld like to feel appreciated! ugggh bugger off!  if i was gonna date a guy for $, i wldnt b involved with the broke ass bastards i go for!!!

lmmfao i guess i will just find me a man in law school! hahahaha