The More I Do, The Less is Done

Let me begin by saying that I know that I was not ready to be a mother at 21, I wasn't even sure if I wanted kids  until I was MUCH older or at all, but when I decided that being a mother was going to be the next step in the journey of my life, I have been trying to dedicate my life and myself to making a wonderful life for Liam.

There always seem to be outside forces looming overhead making sure I know I'm not doing a good enough job with him and frankly, it pisses me off. When someone attacks the way I do things and then later has NO solution for me to do them better, I want to tell them to f**k off. Interestingly enough, these statements are often made outright by my father and oh so subtly by QFC. I'm sick and tired of it.

To start with Dad, "in my opinion you are just not a good mother. u weren't made to be a mother and I wonder why you made that decision"...umm thanks a f**kin' lot...KEY WORDS: in YOUR opinion. Again, I'm not the BEST mother I can be, but I can honestly say I am working on it. Yes I get frustrated, yes I am impatient sometimes, but Jesus! I'm trying to juggle EVERYTHING else and have to hear constant f**king nagging on top of what I have to deal with in court and every other thing in life. It is unbearable sometimes and I really don't know how I keep from exploding. Truly amazing. 

I don't take court serious enough - REALLY?!!?!!?!!?!?!?!? I call/email/text/postal mail my lawyer every week...couldn't get in touch with him the last 2 weeks because he was OUT OF THE COUNTRY. I fax/mail him papers that NEVER get seen in court, hell I don't even know if he reads them. I have to constantly prove to them that I am a good parent. I have to account for everything I do. I have to use MY money to travel with Liam to NYC and NEVER once asked for anyone else's. I am the one who initiated this case, I was trying to be responsible and establish some stability in both of our lives. It turns out to the SECOND biggest mistake of my life. Once I relay information to the lawyer that he has to relay to the judge, if he doesnt do HIS job, there is nothing that I can do! I have no contact information for Liam's crt appointed lawyer, I have no information on how to set up his evaluation and no on seems to have any answers!!! #DONE

So then I'm selfish too. "If I were you, I'd work 3 different jobs to support my son"...oh yeah dumbazz...I do!!!! My job at the library is only 20 hrs a week and I am grabbing ALL the Benefit dates they are giving me and have already booked EVERYTHING Smashbox on the Spring roster. No other jobs in this area that match my skill set are going to pay like the freelance job or even like the library job even with a Bachelor's degree! So wtf am I supposed to do? I am working in a field that fits my personality, my time constraints, my  skills and certainly has great pay. In 7 months in this wonderful state I have found NOTHING else that works with that.

I go to the gym - yes because I don't want to be fat and unhealthy anymore. My actions, eating habits and physical activity all will have a positive influence on Liam and also allow me to spend more time and energy on and with him...so RIGHT.

It's not a good idea for me to go back to school right now, I should wait...til when? the 2nd coming of Jesus? If I have the opportunity to go to school and I don't have to quit the library immediately WHY would I not take it? This makes zero sense. The perfect job for me would be a Retail Account Manager for Benefit or a Regional Artist for MUFE, but guess what? Those jobs require traveling 75% of the time. If I was selfish I wouldn't care that I would hardly see Liam, I would hire a nanny and take the job anyways! Those would be career positions, ways that I could advance in the near future, but I have scrapped that idea because I can't stand to be away from him like that anymore. So how could starting a much more open, flexible and non saturated career in Nursing be a bad move?!

Yes I'm not the best housekeeper - the only thing I can say to that is I can do much better, but my better will never be YOUR version of clean/tidy etc...

I am beyond frustrated. What was a decent week has now gone to hell! Thank you Dad for reminding me what a P.O.S. I truly am! Gotta have people around like you to keep me on my toes and let me know how I'm not good enough, I'm constantly selfish and I'm a terrible mother. This post is dedicated to YOU!!!!